It's time to be NEW!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 6
It's time to be NEW!
Good Morning Everyone,
So this is my first day.
I have been on medication and abusing alcohol for a long time now and have had enough. Just a little background....I am 29 - I have been taking Xanax (prescribed) for 10 years after I had a massive debilitating panic attack. I started at 10 pills a month, and am now up to 60 pills a month (.5 mg)- which I have been on for about 5 years. I was taking Zoloft as well (100 mg), but have decided to stop that about 2 weeks ago... still withdrawing a little, but it's getting better. I take Trazadone to sleep (100 mg) - for now, I am still taking that. Along with that I drink heavily on the weekends...to the point of blacking out almost everytime. I usually run out of Xanax about 2 weeks before I am able to get a refill so that means I was taking 60 pills in 2 weeks.
When I didn't have medication, I was taking muscle relaxers I would steal from my parents or tylenol with codene... anything to take the edge off. I have forgotten how to deal with life without medication. I have embarrassed myself at work functions, cut myself while drinking, fighting... everything you can possibly think of, yet I continued to take meds and drink. I have a master's degree and a great corporate job- however, I now need to drink to be around people and do things. I am married yet I get drunk and hit on other guys. I drink on long car rides... my husband will drive and I will drink to deal with it for fear of a panic attack. I take about 5 xanax along with that. I have lost friends and respect. My husband doesn't know what to do anymore as I continuously embarrass him. I write all of this down and think.... really? Is this worth it? Yet, I have been giving up for years - now I can't even look at myself in the mirror. Has anyone else been here? Can I make it? Please help!!!
So this is my first day.
I have been on medication and abusing alcohol for a long time now and have had enough. Just a little background....I am 29 - I have been taking Xanax (prescribed) for 10 years after I had a massive debilitating panic attack. I started at 10 pills a month, and am now up to 60 pills a month (.5 mg)- which I have been on for about 5 years. I was taking Zoloft as well (100 mg), but have decided to stop that about 2 weeks ago... still withdrawing a little, but it's getting better. I take Trazadone to sleep (100 mg) - for now, I am still taking that. Along with that I drink heavily on the weekends...to the point of blacking out almost everytime. I usually run out of Xanax about 2 weeks before I am able to get a refill so that means I was taking 60 pills in 2 weeks.
When I didn't have medication, I was taking muscle relaxers I would steal from my parents or tylenol with codene... anything to take the edge off. I have forgotten how to deal with life without medication. I have embarrassed myself at work functions, cut myself while drinking, fighting... everything you can possibly think of, yet I continued to take meds and drink. I have a master's degree and a great corporate job- however, I now need to drink to be around people and do things. I am married yet I get drunk and hit on other guys. I drink on long car rides... my husband will drive and I will drink to deal with it for fear of a panic attack. I take about 5 xanax along with that. I have lost friends and respect. My husband doesn't know what to do anymore as I continuously embarrass him. I write all of this down and think.... really? Is this worth it? Yet, I have been giving up for years - now I can't even look at myself in the mirror. Has anyone else been here? Can I make it? Please help!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Great White North
Posts: 212
hey merusso, wellcome to the site.
i had alot of problems with panic attacks and anxiety too, and while taking my medications, also drank on them all the time.
do you think your panic attacks were brought on by alcohol? i think thats what started mine...didnt stop me for another 5 years though. lol
after having a bit of time sober, my anxiety almost completely went away...something i thought would never happen!! lol although it came back when i started drinking again. :/
hang in there! and good luck!
i had alot of problems with panic attacks and anxiety too, and while taking my medications, also drank on them all the time.
do you think your panic attacks were brought on by alcohol? i think thats what started mine...didnt stop me for another 5 years though. lol
after having a bit of time sober, my anxiety almost completely went away...something i thought would never happen!! lol although it came back when i started drinking again. :/
hang in there! and good luck!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 645
Merusso,
Have you considered calling the Employee Assistance Program at your workplace? It is free and confidential, and they can help you get started on the right track. It sounds as if, given your history, you probably need medical assistance with detoxing. Detox from alcohol can be life-threatening, and detox from xanax can create serious health risks as well. Many of us on this site have found recovery from drugs and alcohol. You can too.
Susan
Have you considered calling the Employee Assistance Program at your workplace? It is free and confidential, and they can help you get started on the right track. It sounds as if, given your history, you probably need medical assistance with detoxing. Detox from alcohol can be life-threatening, and detox from xanax can create serious health risks as well. Many of us on this site have found recovery from drugs and alcohol. You can too.
Susan
One moment at a time.
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 213
Hey murusso...
To answer your question... Yup, I've been there, I've done that, I've lost control.
You definitely are not alone here and you are in a good place. This site is a great start to recovery and a sober life. There are plenty of people here who have been in your same shoes and in the same size. Soak in as much info here as you can, and get yourself a support group, get out in to real world meetings and meet other sober addicts/alcoholics and make new friends and learn a way of life that is a God sent miracle and just know that you have made the right decision to get clean.
Also if you ever pick up again or relapse remember that you DID NOT FAIL most of us here have been there to especially myself. Just pick yourself up, dust all the nonsense and ****** feelings and whatever else you may be holding on to off, and get back in to what ever program (if you choose to use one, and I suggest you find something) you decide to use.
I would also like to suggest possibly seeking medical support quickly because trust me.. The withdrawels are not fun, and they can also be life threatening.
Again, welcome! I am happy your here.
To answer your question... Yup, I've been there, I've done that, I've lost control.
You definitely are not alone here and you are in a good place. This site is a great start to recovery and a sober life. There are plenty of people here who have been in your same shoes and in the same size. Soak in as much info here as you can, and get yourself a support group, get out in to real world meetings and meet other sober addicts/alcoholics and make new friends and learn a way of life that is a God sent miracle and just know that you have made the right decision to get clean.
Also if you ever pick up again or relapse remember that you DID NOT FAIL most of us here have been there to especially myself. Just pick yourself up, dust all the nonsense and ****** feelings and whatever else you may be holding on to off, and get back in to what ever program (if you choose to use one, and I suggest you find something) you decide to use.
I would also like to suggest possibly seeking medical support quickly because trust me.. The withdrawels are not fun, and they can also be life threatening.
Again, welcome! I am happy your here.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi merusso4
Welcome!
Freedom is very possible when we want it enough - you will find a lot of support here
Have you seen your Dr yet? Thats a lot of medication to be mixing with alcohol merusso - I recommend you get a doctor on board to help you deal with all the issues you've raised in your post...be honest and open.
D
Welcome!
Freedom is very possible when we want it enough - you will find a lot of support here
Have you seen your Dr yet? Thats a lot of medication to be mixing with alcohol merusso - I recommend you get a doctor on board to help you deal with all the issues you've raised in your post...be honest and open.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 6
Hi all... yeah - you know Vanilla, I had anxiety when I was younger, but I think it did really get bad when I was drinking heavily (unmanageable). I think I may actually call the EAP -I am having a hard time focusing and sweating and very tired!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 6
Yes, I have been to my doctor, however, I have not actually been completely honest, so that might be the best place to start. I think the pattern started like this.... drinking, medication, more drinking and more medication, destructive behavior, more medication and more drinking. Granted I know, I have not drank or taken Zoloft in a few days, but I feel like crap. Sometimes it feel like life can't be fun if I don't drink or take meds... does that sound crazy?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I think many of us have that fear merusso yeah - it keeps a lot of us in the cycle.
I'm sure you're like me tho and you dream of the kind of life you want - and it's not the one you're living now.
Look around - there's hundreds of folks here having fun, and feeling good, experiencing joy - all sober.
You'll be ok
D
I'm sure you're like me tho and you dream of the kind of life you want - and it's not the one you're living now.
Look around - there's hundreds of folks here having fun, and feeling good, experiencing joy - all sober.
You'll be ok
D
Still trying to figure it out
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by merusso4 
Yes, I have been to my doctor, however, I have not actually been completely honest, so that might be the best place to start. I think the pattern started like this.... drinking, medication, more drinking and more medication, destructive behavior, more medication and more drinking. Granted I know, I have not drank or taken Zoloft in a few days, but I feel like crap. Sometimes it feel like life can't be fun if I don't drink or take meds... does that sound crazy?
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
Welcome to the best recovery site everywhere! Yes, you can make it. Stay sober one day at a time and put up with the ups and downs of early sobriety. Things will smooth out but it takes time.
Yes, you can make it. Stay sober one day at a time and put up with the ups and downs of early sobriety. Things will smooth out but it takes time. Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Great White North
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by merusso4
Yes, I have been to my doctor, however, I have not actually been completely honest, so that might be the best place to start. I think the pattern started like this.... drinking, medication, more drinking and more medication, destructive behavior, more medication and more drinking. Granted I know, I have not drank or taken Zoloft in a few days, but I feel like crap. Sometimes it feel like life can't be fun if I don't drink or take meds... does that sound crazy?
you said you havent taken taken your zoloft in a few days....i would recommend maybe talking to your doctor before just stopping those cold turkey, ive heard the withdrawl from anti's cant be pretty nasty...im too chicken to quit mine lol
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
hi merusso- It's scary to think about getting off alcohol/drugs, I know. I spent my day walking a tightrope, trying to drink enough to feel a little better than normal and avoid all that anxiety/depression/irritability between drinking periods. I knew I'd have to quit soon or start suffering some real health problems.
None of us can do this without support - that's why we're all here. And doctors are there to help, too. Lots of treatment centers offer short stays for detox, which wouldn't be a bad idea considering you're dealing with more than one substance.
You're not alone and you really can have a new life.
None of us can do this without support - that's why we're all here. And doctors are there to help, too. Lots of treatment centers offer short stays for detox, which wouldn't be a bad idea considering you're dealing with more than one substance.
You're not alone and you really can have a new life.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
I sure do understand how hard it is to imagine life without the benefit of numbing myself. That's the nature of addiction and how it keeps us hooked.
I also think that talking to your dr and being honest is a good place to start. And, you will find lots of support here.
I also think that talking to your dr and being honest is a good place to start. And, you will find lots of support here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
Welcome Merusso..Panic attacks left rather quickly after I stopped drinking..I felt a calm that I have not felt for a long time just after 2 weeks. I am a firm believer that alcohol was at the root of my attacks..I wish you the best!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 6
Well I spoke with my doctor last night and she said if I wanted to wean myself off the medications, that I would need to do it slowly. We had a long conversation and we are going to start by doing 1/2 pill of zoloft for a month, then go to 1/2 pill every other day for 2 weeks, then 1/2 pill every 2 days for 2 weeks and I should be okay. As far as the Xanax, I am completely limted to 10 a month for now, but hopefully will be able to decrease this as well. She agreed that as the drinking continues to stop, I should start to feel less panic. Well I have not drank since Friday so I guess it is a good start!! Thank you for all of the support! I hope we can continue to chat... keep the posting I love hearing your stories and motivations!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
