Tetrax

So I've been dealing with a lot of suicidal thoughts this week and I feel I've gotta write this somewhere so I'm writing it here.

This depression (+OCD) that was masked by my drinking and revealed by my sobriety is still so heavily on me at times there are hours when I can only find pleasure in researching suicide methods and such. And like actually look forward to doing so.

I think after I hit a year sober I crashed hard: it was something to focus on and aim for even with the lockdown going on, but since then (like ten days ago) I guess I've just been facing up to the reality of my situation: unemployed and barely employable in a halfway house with five other guys, one of whom has serious anger management issues. In lockdown. And no relationships with women for years.

I guess everyone's hit hard now of course. It just feels like a lifetime of cumulative emotional pain is upon me. If I thought I could've gotten away with it here I might even have drank. I don't know.

I'm medicated (which I think does seem to give me the odd good day here and there), have a support worker, exercise, eat well, practise mindfulness more than I used to...

I'm just so tired.

least

I have no advice or suggestions for you, but wanted to tell you that I've felt the same way myself. Fifteen years ago I was looking online for ways to kill myself and found suicide forum, which saved my life. I posted my feelings and people responded to me with love and caring. It made a difference.
https://www.suicideforum.com/community/ I hope you can find some solace there.

Astro

Your sober time is a huge achievement, and unfortunately there's no time clock that determines when the job and living situations etc. improve, but you yourself have improved by staying in recovery.

Your words resonate with me though because 15 years ago I was in the same place. Depressed, lonely, and looking for the quickest way out which in my mind was suicide. It's not. What I didn't know at the time was that the plan for me was something too big for me to comprehend which is the life I have today, but to get to this point I had to stay the course and commit to a lifetime of recovery from alcoholism. What if I hadn't stuck around until that miracle happened huh?

I encourage you to consider the community that least mentioned above, to continue to use SR as a resource and hopefully you find it to be a place of comfort, and to reach out whenever life feels like more than you can stand. It's worth it to keep living, I hope you'll stay with us.

Astro

There are additional resources located here.... https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ease-read.html

Coldfusion

I have had therapy and been hospitalized, but the thing that makes the biggest difference for me is AA meetings. I have heard in meetings people share thoughts of suicide, so at least one emerges feeling not alone. There are not many face-to-face meetings right now, but many meetings on line. I encourage you to look up your local AA group and see what they offer, but here is a 24/7 link:
http://www.247aaonline.com/

Tetrax

Cheers guys; it's definitely helped just letting it out somewhere. I may try that forum Least, thanks. And yeah I heard it a lot at meetings too; I haven't done Zoom yet but maybe. And though I've only just started getting into writers like Eckhart Tolle and Alan Watts, they are already showing signs of being of great help so I do think there could be some spiritual aspect to all this addiction/mental health stuff after all (from a garden variety cynic).

least

I found a lot of comfort at SF. I hope you do too.

Tetrax

Hi Astro, Least and Coldfusion, sorry you've all been through the mill; it seems you are great examples of recovery. I will have a go on that forum; yesterday was one of the good days but I can feel the darkness wanting to get in today. I am intrigued about the idea of identifying the true self, that it is separate from the ego, and I hope others there may be on similar paths. Thanks.

Dee74

I'm really glad reaching out has helped a little Tetrax.
Like others here I've been suicidal before - my 20s were unrelentingly rough for me...but things did get better in time.
I'm always glad now my plans didn't come to fruition then, cos I would have missed out on a lot of good things since.
We do get it tho..you're not alone Tetrax
D

Astro

I just can't imagine missing out on the life I'm experiencing now, and I used to shake my head in disbelief when people in recovery would tell me that I would have a life "beyond my wildest dreams and expectations". I do have that now, I get it.
I've been finding any kind of online meeting to be a huge help right now. I've been doing Men's meetings, Bible studies, etc. and they're all a huge help. Seeing other faces and sharing our struggles as well as some laughs has been good for my heart and soul.

Tetrax

Thanks guys, appreciate your words.

least

How are you feeling today? I can't 'do' anything to help you, but I can understand your feelings.

Tetrax

Gloomy.

Dee74

I'm sorry to hear than man - what have you been doing today?
D

Tetrax

I went for a walk but then spent the rest of it in bed. I reached out to people from the CBT course I did so that was something too.