Won't surprise me if I'm dead within a month
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 440
Won't surprise me if I'm dead within a month
I'll keep my anonymity, and won't tell anyone, but I've got the rope. And the solid branch.
I dunno, I feel like no one likes me.... I'm just a burden - may as well just be done with it.
Scared of dying, but want to get out of here. This is so confusing.
I'm not going to tell anyone, as the police/ambulance would be here in a few seconds - and I'd be brought to a mental institution about 3 hours from here.
Been there before, and to put it lightly, not.... very..... fun....
i'm one of those people you gotta get to know to like. my parents like me. my sisters do.
no one else does....
and well, when you've thought about suicide for the last 20-something years ..........
why postpone it. life is pain.
I dunno, I feel like no one likes me.... I'm just a burden - may as well just be done with it.
Scared of dying, but want to get out of here. This is so confusing.
I'm not going to tell anyone, as the police/ambulance would be here in a few seconds - and I'd be brought to a mental institution about 3 hours from here.
Been there before, and to put it lightly, not.... very..... fun....
i'm one of those people you gotta get to know to like. my parents like me. my sisters do.
no one else does....
and well, when you've thought about suicide for the last 20-something years ..........
why postpone it. life is pain.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
There's always people to call and talk to if you need help.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ease-read.html
The best thing I ever did for my mental health was stop drinking and drugging. It didn't completely 'cure' me of my depression or despair but staying sober did give me a clearer perspective on what to do and where to go for help.
I've been there I think most of us here at SR have.
I would have missed out on a lot of good things in my life had I reacted to how I was feeling on those bad days back in the 90s.
Get some rest and give yourself a break from drinking.
D
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ease-read.html
The best thing I ever did for my mental health was stop drinking and drugging. It didn't completely 'cure' me of my depression or despair but staying sober did give me a clearer perspective on what to do and where to go for help.
I've been there I think most of us here at SR have.
I would have missed out on a lot of good things in my life had I reacted to how I was feeling on those bad days back in the 90s.
Get some rest and give yourself a break from drinking.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 440
I don't really feel like talking to anyone.... I'm always misunderstood.
A year ago or so I made an attempt.... the usual 'down the road' thing with a razor blade. My hallways literally got flooded with blood. Still, didn't work, and I decided the best option was to call an ambulance, as this obviously needed to get stitched.
I've got scars on both my forearms, for a long time, so I don't even think about it. Still wear T-shirts. Also, when you observe, and are not so self-observant, you do notice others ..... who may not have been doing so well.
Not that it matters - well, it does make me sad, that some people do it. What I am dead scared of is that my youngest sis think about it. Why? She resembles me of me....
A year ago or so I made an attempt.... the usual 'down the road' thing with a razor blade. My hallways literally got flooded with blood. Still, didn't work, and I decided the best option was to call an ambulance, as this obviously needed to get stitched.
I've got scars on both my forearms, for a long time, so I don't even think about it. Still wear T-shirts. Also, when you observe, and are not so self-observant, you do notice others ..... who may not have been doing so well.
Not that it matters - well, it does make me sad, that some people do it. What I am dead scared of is that my youngest sis think about it. Why? She resembles me of me....
Member
Join Date: May 2021
Location: England
Posts: 1,850
I don't know why you are sad, but I know drinking wont help it. People here are listening to you, caring about you, trying to give advice. I guess what we all believe and know is that drinking alcohol will not help anything.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 69
It sounds like some tough times and not to sound generic but you are not alone. The fact is you've stuck it out as long as you have which speaks volumes.
Maybe it's where you don't want to live but you also actually want to live partly as people just don't understand (I relate to that and can actually say that some problems are so complex that not many people do understand. I post things on MH forums but it's too frequently misunderstood and people jump to the wrong conclusions, then when I add more detail to explain it better, the post is way too long as I never have a response). It's absolutely exhausting explaining things and just always being misunderstood. I've even completely disengaged with doctors because of them repeatedly misunderstanding time and time again.
I'm against the grain of most people here and I widely believe that contrary to what people say about drinking being bad for mental health problems, I've found it to be good for my mental health. In the short-mid term when the chips in life are down and times are way too tough (especially with being misunderstood so often), drinking can provide a much needed boost while having to try and "survive" without the right support because of constantly being misunderstood. Yet, as in my case, it can actually turn dangerous depending on how long it's used in this way for (more or less 10 years).
Things can get better, you've made it far so hang in there a bit more!!
Maybe it's where you don't want to live but you also actually want to live partly as people just don't understand (I relate to that and can actually say that some problems are so complex that not many people do understand. I post things on MH forums but it's too frequently misunderstood and people jump to the wrong conclusions, then when I add more detail to explain it better, the post is way too long as I never have a response). It's absolutely exhausting explaining things and just always being misunderstood. I've even completely disengaged with doctors because of them repeatedly misunderstanding time and time again.
I'm against the grain of most people here and I widely believe that contrary to what people say about drinking being bad for mental health problems, I've found it to be good for my mental health. In the short-mid term when the chips in life are down and times are way too tough (especially with being misunderstood so often), drinking can provide a much needed boost while having to try and "survive" without the right support because of constantly being misunderstood. Yet, as in my case, it can actually turn dangerous depending on how long it's used in this way for (more or less 10 years).
Things can get better, you've made it far so hang in there a bit more!!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,060
Looking back 16 years, I can't imagine checking out the way I had planned to. Every day now is a marvel, a wonder, and a miracle. Each day brings new reasons to be smile, be happy, and be grateful. Heck, over the weekend I learned how to fish from a kayak and throw axes!
What I'm saying is that taking your life or taking a drink solves nothing. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. There are hundreds, thousands, millions of people out there who are willing to help anyone who is serious about sobriety find their way to recovery. How about reaching out for it?
Stick around here, find a recovery meeting, and don't take another drink. It will take time, maybe a long time, but life will get better. It's really kind of a wild ride that you don't want to miss. I'm damn glad I haven't missed a sober day yet, and I pray for many more ahead.
What I'm saying is that taking your life or taking a drink solves nothing. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. There are hundreds, thousands, millions of people out there who are willing to help anyone who is serious about sobriety find their way to recovery. How about reaching out for it?
Stick around here, find a recovery meeting, and don't take another drink. It will take time, maybe a long time, but life will get better. It's really kind of a wild ride that you don't want to miss. I'm damn glad I haven't missed a sober day yet, and I pray for many more ahead.
Want to form an alliance? :.)
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 220
Keep your chin up.
Polaroid, I can relate... I've spent the better part of my last 20 years thinking about suicide (assuming I'm interpreting your post correctly). After years of hard work, very difficult experiences, and eventually finding different kinds of help, I managed to correct things enough to understand myself and the world I exist within and in time, manage my emotional turbulence. One thing that helped me through the worst of times (times when I thought I might actually do something rash) was to understand and accept that it wasn't the actual act of harming myself that was alluring, but rather, the act of escaping the things which brought me pain. I've come to believe that no living thing ever wishes to literally kill themselves as it conflicts with our biological foundations. However, it's escape from our pains and grief that we desire during those darkest times and once you understand that, the razor's edge of Death's scythe dulls to form a better level of control over its impulses. (Just my two cents on the subject and how I've learned to view it. Take it all with a grain of salt.)
Anyway, I'm not sure what's going on in your life but in mine, it's been pretty rough, too... I've been dealing with tons of really expensive home ownership issues centered on my basement and it's caused so much anxiety in my life that it's really been a struggle to stay frosty about everything, to maintain perspective, etc. It's also my first home, which makes it worse! (Although, I sometimes laugh about it as you might as well laugh about things than cry, right?) Among all of that, I've also been dealing with a lot of stressful issues within my family... My alcoholic mother (whom I haven't spoken to since high school) finally died a couple weeks ago and it's caused some problems in how I view those closest to me who are still alive from a standpoint of feeling like I've never been as important to them as I once wanted to believe. Whether that's true or not is something I'm working through but the point is that it's caused some serious problems in my life during a time when I was already stressed out, ruminating about dark things, etc. As if that wasn't enough, throw in all the Covid-19 messes and how it's changed people in so many ways and, well, it's a perfect storm for massive anxiety problems, depression, feelings of hopelessness... You name it.
One thing I've done during these situations is approach it with as much rationality as possible and to think about it all using cognitive reasoning and pragmatism. For example, I've made it a normal routine to get out and do things each day that I enjoy. Believe it or not, that's not as easy as it sounds because when you're trying to save money and don't drink, your options get reduced, but I still like to exercise, so I do that every other day (which, for me, is a good balance between exercising and rest). I also make daily forays over to my local Starbucks with a book that I enjoy reading, which lets me socialize with people and dive into worlds full of heroes and scary monsters that Stephen King has always been so talented in making out of thin air. If Starbucks, reading, etc. isn't your thing, just substitute that with something else that you enjoy but try to embrace something that pushes you out into society. In other words, try to find something that can be done around people. Away from being alone. As irritating as some people can be, don't let those bad apples spoil your perspectives about society or finding someone you enjoy being around. People need people as much as people might deny it. The trick is just finding people you enjoy being around. That's the hard part, but give it time and with a little persistence, I'm confident you'll find some friends that you enjoy talking to, being around, etc.
Make sure you exercise. I know it sounds cliche, but it's important and for a billion reasons that go beyond this discussion. You don't have to train for the Olympics, but just get out to grab some fresh air and maybe walk around the block for a few minutes if you don't wish to do anything more strenuous. Try to do that each day or at least every other day because it helps generate the "feel good" chemicals that our biology, ecology, etc. depend on to maintain a healthy balance of things ranging from proper physical health to mental-emotional harmony.
Once you establish a decent routine, try to change it a little bit at a time each day. Take baby steps doing this but understand that the intention is to increase the likelihood that you'll meet new people or someone you enjoy being around. It's also done to keep providing your mind with new things to experience, which is also healthy. It's easier said than done, I know, as I sometimes struggle with this, too, but try to do it as it's something I think you (and I) could benefit from because you sound like someone who could benefit from a daily change. And obviously it goes without saying that if you've reached a point where you're thinking about doing something rash, whether that be suicide or taking a drink, whatever, to not take that lightly and be okay with reaching out for help. Like Astro suggested, keep coming back here, find a meeting, something, but focus on health and safety. Everyone needs help from time-to-time. There's nothing wrong with that.
Whatever happens, don't do anything rash. People on this site are warm, welcoming, and very helpful. Keep coming back. I know things can often seem hopeless and if I had a dime for every moment I thought about doing something rash to or for myself, I'd be a millionaire, but never give in to it and always try instead to understand the reasons for those thoughts as it will lead to enlightenment. Hang in there, man. The storms always pass. I hope this helps.
Anyway, I'm not sure what's going on in your life but in mine, it's been pretty rough, too... I've been dealing with tons of really expensive home ownership issues centered on my basement and it's caused so much anxiety in my life that it's really been a struggle to stay frosty about everything, to maintain perspective, etc. It's also my first home, which makes it worse! (Although, I sometimes laugh about it as you might as well laugh about things than cry, right?) Among all of that, I've also been dealing with a lot of stressful issues within my family... My alcoholic mother (whom I haven't spoken to since high school) finally died a couple weeks ago and it's caused some problems in how I view those closest to me who are still alive from a standpoint of feeling like I've never been as important to them as I once wanted to believe. Whether that's true or not is something I'm working through but the point is that it's caused some serious problems in my life during a time when I was already stressed out, ruminating about dark things, etc. As if that wasn't enough, throw in all the Covid-19 messes and how it's changed people in so many ways and, well, it's a perfect storm for massive anxiety problems, depression, feelings of hopelessness... You name it.
One thing I've done during these situations is approach it with as much rationality as possible and to think about it all using cognitive reasoning and pragmatism. For example, I've made it a normal routine to get out and do things each day that I enjoy. Believe it or not, that's not as easy as it sounds because when you're trying to save money and don't drink, your options get reduced, but I still like to exercise, so I do that every other day (which, for me, is a good balance between exercising and rest). I also make daily forays over to my local Starbucks with a book that I enjoy reading, which lets me socialize with people and dive into worlds full of heroes and scary monsters that Stephen King has always been so talented in making out of thin air. If Starbucks, reading, etc. isn't your thing, just substitute that with something else that you enjoy but try to embrace something that pushes you out into society. In other words, try to find something that can be done around people. Away from being alone. As irritating as some people can be, don't let those bad apples spoil your perspectives about society or finding someone you enjoy being around. People need people as much as people might deny it. The trick is just finding people you enjoy being around. That's the hard part, but give it time and with a little persistence, I'm confident you'll find some friends that you enjoy talking to, being around, etc.
Make sure you exercise. I know it sounds cliche, but it's important and for a billion reasons that go beyond this discussion. You don't have to train for the Olympics, but just get out to grab some fresh air and maybe walk around the block for a few minutes if you don't wish to do anything more strenuous. Try to do that each day or at least every other day because it helps generate the "feel good" chemicals that our biology, ecology, etc. depend on to maintain a healthy balance of things ranging from proper physical health to mental-emotional harmony.
Once you establish a decent routine, try to change it a little bit at a time each day. Take baby steps doing this but understand that the intention is to increase the likelihood that you'll meet new people or someone you enjoy being around. It's also done to keep providing your mind with new things to experience, which is also healthy. It's easier said than done, I know, as I sometimes struggle with this, too, but try to do it as it's something I think you (and I) could benefit from because you sound like someone who could benefit from a daily change. And obviously it goes without saying that if you've reached a point where you're thinking about doing something rash, whether that be suicide or taking a drink, whatever, to not take that lightly and be okay with reaching out for help. Like Astro suggested, keep coming back here, find a meeting, something, but focus on health and safety. Everyone needs help from time-to-time. There's nothing wrong with that.
Whatever happens, don't do anything rash. People on this site are warm, welcoming, and very helpful. Keep coming back. I know things can often seem hopeless and if I had a dime for every moment I thought about doing something rash to or for myself, I'd be a millionaire, but never give in to it and always try instead to understand the reasons for those thoughts as it will lead to enlightenment. Hang in there, man. The storms always pass. I hope this helps.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 440
Well, it's been a month or so, and I'm still here.....
I guess I don't see suicide as a solution anymore... I tried to when I was younger.
Been sober for about a month as well, and idk, I just kinda feel very.... depressed?
Thanks for your replies - and well, in no way did I intend this to be a "threat" or whatever - I was drinking.
The worst day sober is better than your best day drinking, I figure.
I'll try not to go, I'll keep fighting this - It amazes me really, that I've been almost 4 weeks sober (while NOT in rehab). That hasn't happened in like 10 years.
I guess I don't see suicide as a solution anymore... I tried to when I was younger.
Been sober for about a month as well, and idk, I just kinda feel very.... depressed?
Thanks for your replies - and well, in no way did I intend this to be a "threat" or whatever - I was drinking.
The worst day sober is better than your best day drinking, I figure.
I'll try not to go, I'll keep fighting this - It amazes me really, that I've been almost 4 weeks sober (while NOT in rehab). That hasn't happened in like 10 years.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,420
Originally Posted by Polaroid 
Well, it's been a month or so, and I'm still here.....
I guess I don't see suicide as a solution anymore... I tried to when I was younger.
Been sober for about a month as well, and idk, I just kinda feel very.... depressed?
Thanks for your replies - and well, in no way did I intend this to be a "threat" or whatever - I was drinking.
The worst day sober is better than your best day drinking, I figure.
I'll try not to go, I'll keep fighting this - It amazes me really, that I've been almost 4 weeks sober (while NOT in rehab). That hasn't happened in like 10 years.
I guess I don't see suicide as a solution anymore... I tried to when I was younger.
Been sober for about a month as well, and idk, I just kinda feel very.... depressed?
Thanks for your replies - and well, in no way did I intend this to be a "threat" or whatever - I was drinking.
The worst day sober is better than your best day drinking, I figure.
I'll try not to go, I'll keep fighting this - It amazes me really, that I've been almost 4 weeks sober (while NOT in rehab). That hasn't happened in like 10 years.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
I saw a quote early this morning on my Facebook
saying something like, God wasn't through with you
yet and I nodded my head up and down agreeing
with it, some 31 yrs ago when I too tried to end what
I thought was my miserable life.
I had hit bottom with my addiction and so many failed
attempts to stop drinking on my own. I had taken a hand
full of pills and called it quits not wanting to wake up
another day to face the music.
However, after my 2 precious little ones couldnt wake
me up, I heard a faint ringing of the phone next to my
bed. Groggily I reached for it hearing my mother in law
asking where I was with the kids for their last day of
bible school.
To this day that phone ringing was my Higher Power
calling me to let me know that He wasn't through with
me yet and it wasnt up to me to decide to exit first.
With slurred speech i explained what i did and she
yelled at me with so much concern and urgency to
get up. So I did and made my way to the bathroom
to force myself to throw up all that I had in my system.
Before long there were 2 officers in our house to
escort me to the hospital because my husband tried
to take me himself to get my stomach pumped and
I fought him off with every ounce of strength I had to
not go.
Out of concern, care and love, my family sought help
to place me into the hands of those capable to figure
out what was wrong with me.
Through a court order, I spent the first night in a psychiatric
ward to be evaluated the next day. Yes, it was a scary place
as I saw so many hopeless folks there and thought to myself,
I surely wasnt that far gone.
The next day I was evaluated and was told that my only
problem was, was a drinking problem. Addiction problem
that could be treated with knowledge learned about
addiction and recovery and change.
I spent 28 days in a rehab facility for those with addiction
listening, learning all that I could as the toxins exited my
mind and body allowing that knowledge to sink in.
Once i returned home, I began to build on that knowledge
and help me achieve what so many were achieving before
me. They all had what I so desperately wanted and I needed
to work for it on a daily bases to achieve health, honesty
and happiness.
My family, my HP and the program of AA is what got me
here today. Sober and addiction free for 31yrs one day at
a time continuously. For that I am truly grateful.
All those toxins had an effect on my heart, mind and
soul which kept me sick until I let it go and replaced
it with a recovery way of life.
The most awesome thing about living a recovery life
is that we are surrounded by many who are just like
us when it comes to addiction. No one has to question
us because they understand. Been there, done many
of the same similar things before, during and after addiction.
It takes one to know one. Family loves me, but they
dont get me or understand like so many in recovery
do. To me that is comforting.
Support strong here in SR and the rooms of recovery.
saying something like, God wasn't through with you
yet and I nodded my head up and down agreeing
with it, some 31 yrs ago when I too tried to end what
I thought was my miserable life.
I had hit bottom with my addiction and so many failed
attempts to stop drinking on my own. I had taken a hand
full of pills and called it quits not wanting to wake up
another day to face the music.
However, after my 2 precious little ones couldnt wake
me up, I heard a faint ringing of the phone next to my
bed. Groggily I reached for it hearing my mother in law
asking where I was with the kids for their last day of
bible school.
To this day that phone ringing was my Higher Power
calling me to let me know that He wasn't through with
me yet and it wasnt up to me to decide to exit first.
With slurred speech i explained what i did and she
yelled at me with so much concern and urgency to
get up. So I did and made my way to the bathroom
to force myself to throw up all that I had in my system.
Before long there were 2 officers in our house to
escort me to the hospital because my husband tried
to take me himself to get my stomach pumped and
I fought him off with every ounce of strength I had to
not go.
Out of concern, care and love, my family sought help
to place me into the hands of those capable to figure
out what was wrong with me.
Through a court order, I spent the first night in a psychiatric
ward to be evaluated the next day. Yes, it was a scary place
as I saw so many hopeless folks there and thought to myself,
I surely wasnt that far gone.
The next day I was evaluated and was told that my only
problem was, was a drinking problem. Addiction problem
that could be treated with knowledge learned about
addiction and recovery and change.
I spent 28 days in a rehab facility for those with addiction
listening, learning all that I could as the toxins exited my
mind and body allowing that knowledge to sink in.
Once i returned home, I began to build on that knowledge
and help me achieve what so many were achieving before
me. They all had what I so desperately wanted and I needed
to work for it on a daily bases to achieve health, honesty
and happiness.
My family, my HP and the program of AA is what got me
here today. Sober and addiction free for 31yrs one day at
a time continuously. For that I am truly grateful.
All those toxins had an effect on my heart, mind and
soul which kept me sick until I let it go and replaced
it with a recovery way of life.
The most awesome thing about living a recovery life
is that we are surrounded by many who are just like
us when it comes to addiction. No one has to question
us because they understand. Been there, done many
of the same similar things before, during and after addiction.
It takes one to know one. Family loves me, but they
dont get me or understand like so many in recovery
do. To me that is comforting.
Support strong here in SR and the rooms of recovery.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,060
Originally Posted by aasharon90
To this day that phone ringing was my Higher Power
calling me to let me know that He wasn't through with
me yet and it wasnt up to me to decide to exit first.
Through a court order, I spent the first night in a psychiatric
ward to be evaluated the next day. Yes, it was a scary place
as I saw so many hopeless folks there and thought to myself,
I surely wasnt that far gone.
The next day I was evaluated and was told that my only
problem was, was a drinking problem.
calling me to let me know that He wasn't through with
me yet and it wasnt up to me to decide to exit first.
Through a court order, I spent the first night in a psychiatric
ward to be evaluated the next day. Yes, it was a scary place
as I saw so many hopeless folks there and thought to myself,
I surely wasnt that far gone.
The next day I was evaluated and was told that my only
problem was, was a drinking problem.
God still ain't done with me, there are days when I'm spinning my wheels and not sure what direction he wants me to take, and then it becomes clear. Yesterday was extra special, he took me to my church to help cook breakfast for 50 men and hear a powerful message. I needed that, life is just jaw-dropping at times.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Hey Friend Astro
That had to be one more of many awesome forms
of service work you have experienced in your sober
lifetime. To cook for so many had to be so rewarding
and humbling.
This is one of several prayers I say daily, sometimes
more than once when needed.
"God, I offer myself to Thee - to build with me and to dowith me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self,
that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that
victory over them may bear witness to those I would help
of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 440
I'm okay, not great, but surely a lot greater than when I was drinking - Endless hospital detoxes and rehabs (tho I eventually, thought rehab was kinda cool, I have social anxiety, but in there I found it way easier to get to know people, and just be myself)
I'll admit I did relapse last weekend, but that lasted for one day. Withdrawals lasted for half a day.
Planning to go back to work on Monday or Tuesday (Monday, I have an appointment at the hospital, an MRI scan)
I've been working a lot on an app. I always thought I have good ideas and original thoughts, and I think I'm right
Not trying to sound cocky or anything, but if this one, very, very extensive app takes off - my financial worries will be gone. It's so much easier to program with a clear head.
I'll admit I did relapse last weekend, but that lasted for one day. Withdrawals lasted for half a day.
Planning to go back to work on Monday or Tuesday (Monday, I have an appointment at the hospital, an MRI scan)
I've been working a lot on an app. I always thought I have good ideas and original thoughts, and I think I'm right
Not trying to sound cocky or anything, but if this one, very, very extensive app takes off - my financial worries will be gone. It's so much easier to program with a clear head.
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