Popsy

I wrote a thread this week as I got involved quite Intensely with a man who hasn't touched drink since a suicide attempt last summer. He was also an alcoholic and due to chronic back pain and depression he has antidepressants and has just stopped opiates for his back pain. They were making him terrible. Off the planet and his moods were horrendous.

The relationship ended Monday when he got mad at me asking him if he was sure committing to me was the right time. I have young children and his moods were awfully low and depressing last week. He wasn't eating and ignoring his phone alot. Short and hard to speak with.

Yesterday I spoke to him on the phone. He was contradicting himself alot. Firstly he made it clear he couldn't do it anymore because of me. He said he just wanted to work and save money. He said he hadn't been concentrating at work lately. I gave my blessing. I told him he could do that and I just thought we should end things on a nice note because we had some lovely times. He said he wanted me but couldn't handle the messages I sent doubting him. He said he can't do that anymore he feels horrible when I send them. I tried so hard to explain why his moods affect me. He refused to accept it. He said it's always other people worry about him and he's fine. But then he knows he isn't fine. He told me last week how sad he felt. How poorly he felt mentally. How he couldn't think of sex or talk about nice things like normal. So why is he refusing to remember that?

He continued to say he liked being single. He was used to being single now. But in the next breath he was lonely. He wanted someone. But not to be controlled. I reminded him this is why I question him. I said what sort of mother would I be if I didn't make sure it was right for them. He then said Ive always said you can have everything I have and your children I have always accepted will be apart of things and they are not an issue whatsoever.

I said in the end. We need to either go our own seperate ways completly or remain on a good note and hopefully we can be friends. But I don't want the bad feelings to be how we leave it. He said well there you go then. Let's stop being sad. Fresh start. Then he had to go back to work.

I got off the phone abit angry at myself. Because he's refused to see any of his own flaws and he's blaming everyone but himself. He's showing no balance with what he wants and he's basically told me he's a mess and doesn't know what he wants. He's also made sure I know I can't express concerns or doubts.

I am not getting involved again. But if anyone can explain how his minds possibly working. Is this to do with depression? The fact he's been sober for just 7 months? Stopping opiates just over a week ago? I just don't recognise him from who he was before new year when he seems to have changed.

Thank you for reading.

Dee74

Hi Popsy

Often another alcoholics actions are as big a mystery to us fellow alcoholics as they are to you.
It sounds like mixed messages to me.

If you've decided to move on is best for you then you should absolutely do that.

If all this has happened over the space of the last few days maybe some space will help you both?
Sometimes you can stay friends, and sometimes not....its just the way it goes?

D

biminiblue

Popsy, listen to your gut.

As far as recovery goes, it takes a very long time. VERY long. A week or two off opiates (or even six months off) and his brain is seriously spinning. There is a lot to unpack after addiction and only he can do it - if he really wants it - and most likely he's going to go back and forth for a while yet.

I wouldn't get romantically involved with someone in the first two years of sobriety. No way.

I'm also one who doesn't stay friends with exes. To me it's better to make a clean break. Otherwise I am just confused all over again every time I talk to them.

But again, listen to your gut. Trust yourself and take care of your family. There are red flags all over this.

Astro

Couldn't agree more with what's already been suggested, follow your instincts and do what is best for you and your family. If you haven't already visited our Friends & Family forum here on SR I'd encourage you to spend some time there and share, you may get many more responses.

I started having relationships 1 1/2 years into sobriety and looking back now I can tell you that I was a hot mess, I did end up marrying the woman I dated and we have a wonderful life together now, but I continue to make a living amends for the mayhem I put into our lives back then.

kevlarsjal2

Hi Popsy

I think addiction often causes and is caused by a somewhat immature approach to life. This isn't exclusive to addicts of course. But in many cases people in active addiction or early recovery have the coping mechanism, social skills and emotional maturity of a teen or at times those of a toddler. Not seeing one's own part in things, not taking any responsibility for their own actions, blaming, feeling like the victim, contradicting themselves in the most obvious ways and lying just to not be the one who's at fault or responsible. All these are extremely common behaviours amongst addicts. It can be as obvious as lying about having been drinking when they strongly smell of it and still have the bottle next to them. That's what normally we see in toddlers (Have you been eating chocolate? And they say they didn't while having it all around their mouth...)
And those behaviours don't just disappear or improve by removing the drug or drink from the person. It takes a long time and a lot of work either through therapy or 12 step programs. If you stop expecting him to respond or behave like a reasonable adult but maybe expect as much responsibility and thoughtfulness in his decision making like you would from a 5 year old his actions might make more sense to you.

Obviously a 5 year old might not make the best partner or father figure. And I think it's a good decision to not get involved again but that is obviously up to you!