ClayTheScribe

...I start looking at the forum for suicide survivors to see what kind of pain my family and friends would be left in if I departed this world. Wow, so many emotions. So much guilt, embarrassment and despair inside of me. Nowhere to run. I just exercised for half an hour and then came to my apartment and tore all the books off my bookshelf and off my desk. I think part of me wanted to "destroy" something and another part just wanted my apartment to resemble the mess inside of me. I am tired of this world. I feel like an alien on this planet and I always have. No one truly understands, nor do I want them to because it is so painful. My future seems even more uncertain than before. Not wanting to hurt those around me is the main reason I haven't exited yet. I was actually trying to rationalize how I wouldn't mind hurting my parents since they're the big reason I'm like this, just my brother and my friends would be scarred. I'm tired of this up and down rollercoaster and I don't know why I chose this life. I don't know why God has turned on me, but I'm sure I sent God away somehow. I get too caught up in happiness to realize it doesn't last for long. Suffering is always right around the corner waiting to punish me again. I cut myself twice yesterday just to see myself bleed and I'm tempted to do it again. As usual I piled on too much and it all came tumbling down like a house of cards. Yes I'm too hard on myself and I even know the part of my mind that does it and I don't have the power to fight my inner judge. I haven't drank yet. I would only do that if I needed to make things bad enough to let me leave this body. That and alcohol won't numb me like I crave. It will be agonizing, but I will somehow endure to spare those who foolishly love me from feeling what I feel.

milo88

(((ClayTheScribe))) I just wanted to reach out a hand to you - maybe just to say these feelings are not unfamiliar to me, and I have known a few who have felt that way too. I'm not feeling this any more, but I have done.
You know what, life really is suffering, or so much of it is anyway! That's why I started reading and listening to Buddhist talks. They speak honestly of the way life really is for ALL of us, and they also teach you ways of dealing with the undealable (I don't think that's a word!)
Sounds like you need to make some changes in your life. It's YOUR life after all, noone can tell you how to live it.
It would hurt others if you weren't here, but most of all it would hurt YOU. It's not your time. Take up the challenge, learn new ways. It's all out there if you want to find it bad enough.
Ha! I sound like an evangelist! Hang in there xxxx

NYCDoglvr

I've been where you are too and I promise it passes. I look back and only say thank god I didn't kill myself. Not that life has been all that great, but I really don't want to be dead. Stay with us so you can help someone else get through this terrible mental illness when suicide seems the only option. It's good to take stock to see what you can change in your life so you don't get here again.

Innerchild

Ive been there too and you are one of Gods children and you are loved. Pain is temporary.

Mo S

((()))

I've been there too. Life isnt suffering for me anymore as, just my experience, I got therapy to deal with all the feelings and behaviors like you are going thru - especially the self harm. I also joined another website for people with similiar issues called "anxiety tribe". I apologize if I shouldnt mention it here but it helped me with some specific issues more than SRC could.
I wish you the best.