Angelscry

I feel like such a failure today, we are finalizing our books at work and its a mess. And it is all my fault because last year I have been so distracted with my husbands addiction and I was on maternity leave and still working and now I just made a mess of things. I know I cannot blame it on him or his addiction but it did contribute some. I was the only one working I was so stressed, had so much to deal with. And I neglected my work, I feel so bad that I let my boss down, I feel like I should be totally in control of my life and and I am not, Everything is starting to go wrong and I feel like I cant handle it at the moment. I feel so alone and I have no one to talk to so thats why I am venting here.

I am just so overwhelmed my baby is sick, my husband had a relapse on Saturday so he is not in the best of moods. My house is a mess and I can't seem to get it in order. We had a major argument this morning about the house being a mess, and I told him if it bothers you do something about it. I had a sick baby to tend to so there was no time to clean the house and its not like he offered to help. I feel like I am loosing control of my life. I know I have to leave some or other time. I am so scared, there I have said it. I am scared of leaving, scared of giving up hope, scared of losing my marriage and my family. And I am a coward for allowing myself to go through all of this sh:t. and for not leaving. I really pray and I really try to work on me, but today is just not a good day. How much more do I have to go through before I finaly break down? I thank God for keeping me going, I have been through allot latelly and I am gratefull for all the blessings in my life. I just hate this feeling of being lost and out of control. This is bigger than me so much bigger than me. I don't think I can do this anymore and just thinking that hurts so much.

Katiekate

Awwwwwwww, honey.

Deep breath, one thing at a time.

You are not a failure, man, all that stuff you have on your plate, it is huge, big stuff.

Seriously, let up on yourself, just a little, breath, the reality is, that anyone who is under the stress you are would feel a mess.

You are here, it's going to be okay, so glad you posted, it shows you are still able to take care of yourself.

This will pass, I'm am so sorry you are hurting.

How is the baby today??? In this picture , the two most important things are you , and the baby, yes???

Sending big hugs and lots of love your way. Katie xoxoxox

Kindeyes

Whew......breathe.........

You're looking at the whole picture all at one time and that can feel so overwhelming. Not all of that has to be dealt with all at one time. The sick baby and you are the priority. You don't have to be perfect. None of us are.

I left my XAH when the fear of leaving him became less than the pain of staying with him. I had a toddler. I lost my house to foreclosure. I had to ask for help. And I felt like a failure. I felt ashamed of my inability to hold it all together. But I am not a failure......and neither are you.

Take care of you and that little one.

gentle hugs
ke

Angelscry

Thank you Katie, the daycare phoned and said she is doing much better than yesterday. I am so glad for that. Thank you for your kind words, yes my kids (I have an older son) they are the most important things right now. Like you said I just have to breathe, putting all my thoughts down in writing and having a good cry helped to.

thank you :-)

Angelscry

You described how I feel, I really feel ashamed of not being able to 'hold it all together'. Thank you for the kind words and for sharing your feelings with me. It helps to know someone else also felt the way I feel today. I felt better after writing it all down and reading the comments.

thank you
A

zoso77

Sometimes we have to do the unthinkable. And the unthinkable is more often than not scary as hell. But when you think about how scary leaving would be, compare that to staying in a situation where you and your baby are compromised and then ask yourself which is worse.

ZoSo

EnglishGarden

I understand your feelings so well. I remember the days when my son was a baby and I felt so overwhelmed and tired and if the baby was sick, and there was no one to help me (narcissistic cold husband and no family in the city), I was an emotional mess. I remember being up all night and all the following day with a colicky infant, my body still recovering from pregnancy and childbirth, my hormone levels trying to stabilize, my mother's milk ebbing and flowing, having no chance to shower or prepare a meal.....and my selfish and indifferent husband walking in and chastizing me because the kitchen table was a mess. Had I had a significant job and another child to care for....I don't know where I would have found the necessary energy. You have great challenges in your life.

We didn't have much money. But had extra money been available, I would have hired a housecleaning service and a reliable babysitter and perhaps had groceries delivered. All with the goal of setting my home life in order and getting some essential rest. If any of those things are options for you, I encourage you to make use of them.

When you get rest, your mind will not feel so overwhelmed and the future will not look so unmanageable. You will feel capable of directing your own life, making healthy decisions for yourself and for your children, and eventually confronting the reality of being married to an addict. You will find your confidence.

This is a fragile, emotional time for you. However you can get it, try to find some outside assistance to lessen your load. We are so vulnerable when we are exhausted.

I'm glad your little baby is doing better now. You are blessed.

Vale

You are not a failure and you are not a coward.

No pep talk BS here. Just know your SR friends care
and that you will get through this.