love vent
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 63
love vent
This is pretty much a vent about my lost love. I'm having a bit of an issue with letting go of my ex. I loved him so much, I thought we would get married one day and have children and a house, travel, the whole 9 yards. I had NO idea when I fell in love with him he was an addict. He left me out of it completely, he didnt borrow money from me to buy drugs, ask me to drive him random places to pick things up, never stole anything from me. The only thing was he lied but it was all to cover his addiction, he didn't lie about his feelings for me. I know it was a lifestyle he was living so I'm sure everything he said was a lie to some extent, about where he was and who he was with.
Not to mention how GORGEOUS he is, and how even MORE gorgeous he is now that he's in recovery (we broke up b/c he had a relapse last month and the reality hit me). I melt when I see him, he really did treat me right. As much as he could with all the demons and personal issues he had, which was good. I always think if I was so happy with him then think of how much happier I could be if he stays sober. We actually really did always have fun together and wanted to be together non stop. I'm not an addict, dont do any drugs and rarely drink so it's not like we had crazy fun and I fed into his addiction. Just normal stuff- watch tv, play games, talk for hours and hours, eat! We spent the majority of the day together. It didnt seem like we ever had problems getting along with each other. We constantly wanted to be with each other.
However- Maya Angelou said "every woman should know how to fall in love without losing herself." I lost myself in that relationship. Perhaps I was codependent.
Inner conflict- part of me knows recovery is lifelong and relapse can happen any time, and the other part of me wishes that in a couple years when he's put back together we could be together again. Unfortunantly there's too much damage and hurt for me to say ok let's get back together. We've been through so much and tried to work through so many different things, and we would, but there were just too many issues that hurt me that I'd want to start over fresh.
Basically, if you've been in a relationship with someone how do you make it when you see that person you love? I've only seen him once in a month, I know when I see him I melt, I just want to reach out and touch his face like I use to.
More time, time makes all things more bearable. I just have to keep moving forward, do what I'm doing and let time solidify me, make me stronger.
Thanks for reading a poor broken girls heart : ) lol.
Not to mention how GORGEOUS he is, and how even MORE gorgeous he is now that he's in recovery (we broke up b/c he had a relapse last month and the reality hit me). I melt when I see him, he really did treat me right. As much as he could with all the demons and personal issues he had, which was good. I always think if I was so happy with him then think of how much happier I could be if he stays sober. We actually really did always have fun together and wanted to be together non stop. I'm not an addict, dont do any drugs and rarely drink so it's not like we had crazy fun and I fed into his addiction. Just normal stuff- watch tv, play games, talk for hours and hours, eat! We spent the majority of the day together. It didnt seem like we ever had problems getting along with each other. We constantly wanted to be with each other.
However- Maya Angelou said "every woman should know how to fall in love without losing herself." I lost myself in that relationship. Perhaps I was codependent.
Inner conflict- part of me knows recovery is lifelong and relapse can happen any time, and the other part of me wishes that in a couple years when he's put back together we could be together again. Unfortunantly there's too much damage and hurt for me to say ok let's get back together. We've been through so much and tried to work through so many different things, and we would, but there were just too many issues that hurt me that I'd want to start over fresh.
Basically, if you've been in a relationship with someone how do you make it when you see that person you love? I've only seen him once in a month, I know when I see him I melt, I just want to reach out and touch his face like I use to.
More time, time makes all things more bearable. I just have to keep moving forward, do what I'm doing and let time solidify me, make me stronger.
Thanks for reading a poor broken girls heart : ) lol.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
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Originally Posted by Soleus 
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Inner conflict- part of me knows recovery is lifelong and relapse can happen any time, and the other part of me wishes that in a couple years when he's put back together we could be together again. Unfortunantly there's too much damage and hurt for me to say ok let's get back together. We've been through so much and tried to work through so many different things, and we would, but there were just too many issues that hurt me that I'd want to start over fresh. .
Inner conflict- part of me knows recovery is lifelong and relapse can happen any time, and the other part of me wishes that in a couple years when he's put back together we could be together again. Unfortunantly there's too much damage and hurt for me to say ok let's get back together. We've been through so much and tried to work through so many different things, and we would, but there were just too many issues that hurt me that I'd want to start over fresh. .
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 63
a little more
I just thought a little more about the issue.
I know he loves tremondously, a real passionate love. He adores me, worships the floor I walk on. And it really sucks to turn down his love, and it hurts me to know that I hurt him. Its strange to refuse someones love even though you love them back. To see and hear the love and reciprocate but have to reject it because it's too risky of a future, for both of us.
I know I can find someone else to love me, without the extra baggage and turmoil. I feel guilty to say that :/ To be like- oh I love you but you just have way too many issues for me, there's someone else out there I can handle. It's ok though, getting back to reality it is the healthier, smarter choice. It is the right thing for a young person like myself to do, to remember to take care of me and let others take care of themselves.
I know he loves tremondously, a real passionate love. He adores me, worships the floor I walk on. And it really sucks to turn down his love, and it hurts me to know that I hurt him. Its strange to refuse someones love even though you love them back. To see and hear the love and reciprocate but have to reject it because it's too risky of a future, for both of us.
I know I can find someone else to love me, without the extra baggage and turmoil. I feel guilty to say that :/ To be like- oh I love you but you just have way too many issues for me, there's someone else out there I can handle. It's ok though, getting back to reality it is the healthier, smarter choice. It is the right thing for a young person like myself to do, to remember to take care of me and let others take care of themselves.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 24
You really are doing the right thing for yourself in the long run. I know the love you are talking about, we probably all do. I too in the beginning was not aware of my husbands problem. He drank alittle and he was fun and it was all the warm fuzzy feelings like it should have been. We moved out, got married and all was well. It was only then that I realized he drank alittle more than most people. I hardly ever drink. I'm considered a t-totaller according to AA terms. A few years later, we had our first child. It was then that I realized he had a problem that he could not quit. Slowly it started coming out how when we were dating, when the date was over, he went home and got drunk. I never knew! Once our child was born, I expected him to grow up and act like an adult. He did the exact opposite. A few years later, he got sober for a while and then we had our second child. Life was good! After 5 years of sobriety from alcohol (that's all he did then), he got a kidney stone which he took pain pills for and that was the beginning of the end. He can't go without them now and its been going on for 6 years with no end in sight. Now here we are and it hurts like crazy. It's a terrible way to live for both myself and our children. I look back at the person he was before and I miss that person so much....I had so much love for him that I thought my heart would burst!
But, everything changed and now I can barely even look at him. I've wasted alot of years dealing with addiction and would not wish it upon my worst enemy!!
Save yourself the heartache and just hold on to the good memories...you will thank yourself!!
But, everything changed and now I can barely even look at him. I've wasted alot of years dealing with addiction and would not wish it upon my worst enemy!!
Save yourself the heartache and just hold on to the good memories...you will thank yourself!!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I think the healthiest relationship/marriage I have ever seen is my AA sponsor (also a black belt Alanon), and his Alanon wife.
They are both independent people, yet love each other very much. They have some common interests, and a lot of separate interests.
They stay out of each other's programs. Yes, they've weathered some rocky times, but have always come out stronger and better.
She is already retired (10 years older than he is), and he will be retiring this coming October. It will be interesting to see how that works out as he's always been an OTR driver, and gone for 1-2 weeks at a time! They've both told me how important their 'alone' time away from each other is.
They sold their very large house/property a few years back and bought a much smaller place that is easily maintained by a single person. They think about things like that, how one will manage after the other is gone.
They both have been married multiple times, but once each started his/her own journey in recovery, their paths crossed, and they have been happily married for 19 years now.
They are both independent people, yet love each other very much. They have some common interests, and a lot of separate interests.
They stay out of each other's programs. Yes, they've weathered some rocky times, but have always come out stronger and better.
She is already retired (10 years older than he is), and he will be retiring this coming October. It will be interesting to see how that works out as he's always been an OTR driver, and gone for 1-2 weeks at a time! They've both told me how important their 'alone' time away from each other is.
They sold their very large house/property a few years back and bought a much smaller place that is easily maintained by a single person. They think about things like that, how one will manage after the other is gone.
They both have been married multiple times, but once each started his/her own journey in recovery, their paths crossed, and they have been happily married for 19 years now.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Watching the sunrise
Posts: 104
Originally Posted by Soleus
I had NO idea when I fell in love with him he was an addict.
The only thing was he lied but it was all to cover his addiction, he didn't lie about his feelings for me. I know it was a lifestyle he was living so I'm sure everything he said was a lie to some extent, about where he was and who he was with.
he really did treat me right. As much as he could with all the demons and personal issues he had
Unfortunantly there's too much damage and hurt for me to say ok let's get back together. We've been through so much and tried to work through so many different things, and we would, but there were just too many issues that hurt me that I'd want to start over fresh.
The only thing was he lied but it was all to cover his addiction, he didn't lie about his feelings for me. I know it was a lifestyle he was living so I'm sure everything he said was a lie to some extent, about where he was and who he was with.
he really did treat me right. As much as he could with all the demons and personal issues he had
Unfortunantly there's too much damage and hurt for me to say ok let's get back together. We've been through so much and tried to work through so many different things, and we would, but there were just too many issues that hurt me that I'd want to start over fresh.
I have been where you are....in love with, then married to, an addict.
I know you trust that you knew him and you had good times together, but, believe me when I say if he doesn't find recovery he will choose drugs over you and everyone and everything else in his life.
In my case, the person I fell in love with slowly disappeared and finally ceased to exist altogether. When I look back, I see all the signs were there when we were dating, but I rationalized them away in favor of "the good times."
Addiction is progressive and fatal. My ex died of a drug overdose 2 years ago. I had been divorced from him for 25 years and yet still grieved for the loss of the "good" person he was.
Whether the relationship works out or not, your heart will be stronger in the broken places. I'm so glad to hear you are moving forward and giving yourself some time. SR is one of the best places to do that.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
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THank you for all your encouragement. It helps to know I'm doing the right thing. I have a friend whos my age with a 1 year old and she said she couldn't IMAGINE having a child with someone who has such an uncertain future. She couldnt put it in words for me, she was really scared and worried for me if that were to happen in the future.
He is in recovery, he was in rehab for 4 months, got out has been sober almost 3 months. He had a relapse a few weeks ago but he says he's been staying on top of things since then. He has been making efforts and trying, I know that I have to step down in his life and let him put his recovery first. We tried being together when he got out but I feel like I was too much of a distraction for him. I was taking away the time he needed to focus on recovery and do whatever recovery things he needs to do, reading, meetings, I don't know whatever it is you do in recovery. This is the best way to look out for us both.
He is in recovery, he was in rehab for 4 months, got out has been sober almost 3 months. He had a relapse a few weeks ago but he says he's been staying on top of things since then. He has been making efforts and trying, I know that I have to step down in his life and let him put his recovery first. We tried being together when he got out but I feel like I was too much of a distraction for him. I was taking away the time he needed to focus on recovery and do whatever recovery things he needs to do, reading, meetings, I don't know whatever it is you do in recovery. This is the best way to look out for us both.
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