How do I Co-parent during recovery?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 2
How do I Co-parent during recovery?
Hi FFA,
This is my first post. I have spent a few hours reading the forum and I now know how similar my story is to many of yours.
I have been with my AH since we were young and love him desperately - I do not want to leave him. We have a 13 year old daughter. We have a family history of alcoholism on both sides of our family in current and past generations.
My AH has not been able to hold a job in 9 months, and his addiction has escalated steadily over the 18 months. He went from social drinker to turning into both of our alcoholic fathers in less than 2 years.
I am the sole financial provider, and I travel occasionally for my job. Just to add to the complexity, our daughter goes to a charter school without bussing - so her SAHD drives her and friends several times a week for carpool. Our daughter knows/sees everything and has a therapist of her own (not something a parent hopes is necessary for a 13 year old).
5 months ago, a parent at her dance studio congratulated me that my AH "seemed to be doing well and rarely smelled like alcohol these days." Needless to say, I was horrified, and had no idea that he was day drinking and then driving the kids. I searched the house and cars, bought a home breathalyzer for use before carpool - you all know the drill based on the posts I have read.
My AH has been doing intensive outpatient rehab for the last 6 weeks and we celebrated 35 days sober yesterday. This was his last week of rehab.
He relapsed yesterday by secretly drinking a bottle of wine over the course of several hours, and then being verbally abusive to his sister in front of our daughter. He lied when I confronted him and then tried the suck instead of blow technique on the breathalyzer to hid it from me (thank you BACtrack for making it whistle when they try that)!
I travel for work in 9 days which leaves him home alone with driving responsibility for our daughter and others children.
I can barely stand to hold his hand today and he just wants physical affection from me. I am so angry but will not take it out on him because that could trigger more drinking - so I avoid him. I feel guilt, anger, shame - which leads to more guilt that I am ashamed when - I know he can't control himself.
Here are my question for all of you. How do I NOT mother, boss, judge, enable, and still keep my daughter and her friends safe? Is inpatient rehab any better than outpatient if he already made it 35 days in outpatient and inpatient is only 14? Should I tell other parents in the carpool that he relapsed?
Thank you for listening and sorry for the long post!
This is my first post. I have spent a few hours reading the forum and I now know how similar my story is to many of yours.
I have been with my AH since we were young and love him desperately - I do not want to leave him. We have a 13 year old daughter. We have a family history of alcoholism on both sides of our family in current and past generations.
My AH has not been able to hold a job in 9 months, and his addiction has escalated steadily over the 18 months. He went from social drinker to turning into both of our alcoholic fathers in less than 2 years.
I am the sole financial provider, and I travel occasionally for my job. Just to add to the complexity, our daughter goes to a charter school without bussing - so her SAHD drives her and friends several times a week for carpool. Our daughter knows/sees everything and has a therapist of her own (not something a parent hopes is necessary for a 13 year old).
5 months ago, a parent at her dance studio congratulated me that my AH "seemed to be doing well and rarely smelled like alcohol these days." Needless to say, I was horrified, and had no idea that he was day drinking and then driving the kids. I searched the house and cars, bought a home breathalyzer for use before carpool - you all know the drill based on the posts I have read.
My AH has been doing intensive outpatient rehab for the last 6 weeks and we celebrated 35 days sober yesterday. This was his last week of rehab.
He relapsed yesterday by secretly drinking a bottle of wine over the course of several hours, and then being verbally abusive to his sister in front of our daughter. He lied when I confronted him and then tried the suck instead of blow technique on the breathalyzer to hid it from me (thank you BACtrack for making it whistle when they try that)!
I travel for work in 9 days which leaves him home alone with driving responsibility for our daughter and others children.
I can barely stand to hold his hand today and he just wants physical affection from me. I am so angry but will not take it out on him because that could trigger more drinking - so I avoid him. I feel guilt, anger, shame - which leads to more guilt that I am ashamed when - I know he can't control himself.
Here are my question for all of you. How do I NOT mother, boss, judge, enable, and still keep my daughter and her friends safe? Is inpatient rehab any better than outpatient if he already made it 35 days in outpatient and inpatient is only 14? Should I tell other parents in the carpool that he relapsed?
Thank you for listening and sorry for the long post!
Last edited by Ph0en1X; 09-21-2019 at 05:29 PM. Reason: spelling and grammar
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 81
Originally Posted by EMBuck 
Hi FFA,
This is my first post. I have spent a few hours reading the forum and I now know how similar my story is to many of yours.
I have been with my AH since we were young and love him desperately - I do not want to leave him. We have a 13 year old daughter. We have a family history of alcoholism on both sides of our family in current and past generations.
My AH has not been able to hold a job in 9 months, and his addiction has escalated steadily over the 18 months. He went from social drinker to turning into both of our addictive fathers in less than 2 years.
I am the sole financial provider, and I travel occasionally for my job. Just to add to the complexity, our daughter goes to a charter school without bussing - so her SAHD driver her and friends several times a week for carpool. Our daughter knows/sees everything and has a therapist of her own (not something a parent hopes is necessary for a 13 year old).
5 months ago, a parent at her dance studio congratulated me that my AH "seemed to be doing well and rarely smelled like alcohol these days." Needless to say, I was horrified, and had no idea that he was day drinking and then driving the kids. I searched the house and cars, bought a home breathalyzer for use before carpool - you all know the drill based on the posts I have read.
My AH has been doing intensive outpatient rehab for the last 6 weeks and we celebrated 35 days sober yesterday. This was his last week of rehab.
He relapsed yesterday by secretly drinking a bottle of wine over the course of several hours, and then being verbally abusive to his sister in front of our daughter. He lied when I confronted him and then tried the suck instead of blow technique on the breathalyzer to hid it from me (thank you BACtrack for making it whistle when they try that)!
I travel for work in 9 days which leaves him home alone with driving responsibility for our daughters and others children.
I can barely stand to hold his hand today and he just wants physical affection from me. I am so angry but will not take it out on him because that could trigger more drinking - so I avoid him. I feel guilt, anger, shame - which leads to more guilt that I am ashamed when - I know he can't control himself.
Here are my question for all of you. How do I NOT mother, boss, judge, enable, and still keep my daughter and her friends safe? Is inpatient rehab any better than outpatient if he already made it 35 days in outpatient and inpatient is only 14? Should I tell other parents in the carpool that he relapsed?
Thank you for listening and sorry for the long post!
This is my first post. I have spent a few hours reading the forum and I now know how similar my story is to many of yours.
I have been with my AH since we were young and love him desperately - I do not want to leave him. We have a 13 year old daughter. We have a family history of alcoholism on both sides of our family in current and past generations.
My AH has not been able to hold a job in 9 months, and his addiction has escalated steadily over the 18 months. He went from social drinker to turning into both of our addictive fathers in less than 2 years.
I am the sole financial provider, and I travel occasionally for my job. Just to add to the complexity, our daughter goes to a charter school without bussing - so her SAHD driver her and friends several times a week for carpool. Our daughter knows/sees everything and has a therapist of her own (not something a parent hopes is necessary for a 13 year old).
5 months ago, a parent at her dance studio congratulated me that my AH "seemed to be doing well and rarely smelled like alcohol these days." Needless to say, I was horrified, and had no idea that he was day drinking and then driving the kids. I searched the house and cars, bought a home breathalyzer for use before carpool - you all know the drill based on the posts I have read.
My AH has been doing intensive outpatient rehab for the last 6 weeks and we celebrated 35 days sober yesterday. This was his last week of rehab.
He relapsed yesterday by secretly drinking a bottle of wine over the course of several hours, and then being verbally abusive to his sister in front of our daughter. He lied when I confronted him and then tried the suck instead of blow technique on the breathalyzer to hid it from me (thank you BACtrack for making it whistle when they try that)!
I travel for work in 9 days which leaves him home alone with driving responsibility for our daughters and others children.
I can barely stand to hold his hand today and he just wants physical affection from me. I am so angry but will not take it out on him because that could trigger more drinking - so I avoid him. I feel guilt, anger, shame - which leads to more guilt that I am ashamed when - I know he can't control himself.
Here are my question for all of you. How do I NOT mother, boss, judge, enable, and still keep my daughter and her friends safe? Is inpatient rehab any better than outpatient if he already made it 35 days in outpatient and inpatient is only 14? Should I tell other parents in the carpool that he relapsed?
Thank you for listening and sorry for the long post!
Unfortunately if he’s in active addiction he can’t be trusted to care for your child and you are at risk at failing to protect if you don’t make alternative arrangements and you knew and something happens.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Originally Posted by EMBuck
Here are my question for all of you. How do I NOT mother, boss, judge, enable, and still keep my daughter and her friends safe?
Thank you for listening and sorry for the long post!
Thank you for listening and sorry for the long post!
So yes, you will need to get someone else to look after her while you are away. Either they will have to take over his carpool duties or you will have to opt out, for now and the foreseeable future he can't be part of that.
None of that has anything to do with "boss" or "judge" or anything else, your number one priority must be the safety of your child. period. He cannot be trusted right now, so it's 100 percent up to you.
As for telling the other parents he has relapsed, do they know he is an alcoholic? I don't see how sharing that with them would help anyone at this point. In fact if I was one of those parents and I discovered this information about him driving the children drunk I would immediately report him to CPS and I would sue him as well (not being harsh here btw, just honest).
So sorry this is happening, I know it must be so tough. You need to look after yourself.
I am so angry but will not take it out on him because that could trigger more drinking - so I avoid him. I feel guilt, anger, shame - which leads to more guilt that I am ashamed when - I know he can't control himself.
Really it's time to take the focus off him and put it on you and your Daughter. You say he can't control himself, well he knows the drill and he knows what to do.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
So sorry you've been left in this situation. The lying makes it more complicated too.
He's left you with no choice but to take him right out of the parenting equation. Alter your mind-set to thinking without him as an option and you may get some clarity about what you should do.
Is there anyone you could hire to take over the rides? Possibly talk to an employment service.
He's left you with no choice but to take him right out of the parenting equation. Alter your mind-set to thinking without him as an option and you may get some clarity about what you should do.
Is there anyone you could hire to take over the rides? Possibly talk to an employment service.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 2
Thank you for the clear advice.
I will arrange for others to take over the carpool and drive some myself. I am still working on finding someone to stay at the house while I travel or see if she can stay with a friend.
Has anyone seen great success with inpatient verses outpatient rehabs? Also, any advice on immediate action to take when a relapse occurs?
I will arrange for others to take over the carpool and drive some myself. I am still working on finding someone to stay at the house while I travel or see if she can stay with a friend.
Has anyone seen great success with inpatient verses outpatient rehabs? Also, any advice on immediate action to take when a relapse occurs?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
we celebrated 35 days sober yesterday.
unless you also had committed to not drinking for the past 35 days, there is no WE here. his recovery, or lack thereof, belongs solely to him.
as it is, he drank again. treatment doesn't cure anyone, it is still up to the alcoholic to NOT drink.
i'm glad you got clarity on him driving children anywhere. no need to report his relapse to the carpool group, simply take him out of the equation. and that includes at home.
as you are learning his drinking is worse than you though or considered. there is always more to the story. thankfully no child was harmed or any pedestrians or other drivers.
all of this has a detrimental impact on the child. as you think about next steps, please put your DD as the primary filter for any of your choices. what is best for HER. and of course what is best for you. let the other adult sort his own stuff out. possibly he needs to do that while living elsewhere. your child should not have to be shuttled off all the time while daddio gets the house to himself while you are gone....
unless you also had committed to not drinking for the past 35 days, there is no WE here. his recovery, or lack thereof, belongs solely to him.
as it is, he drank again. treatment doesn't cure anyone, it is still up to the alcoholic to NOT drink.
i'm glad you got clarity on him driving children anywhere. no need to report his relapse to the carpool group, simply take him out of the equation. and that includes at home.
as you are learning his drinking is worse than you though or considered. there is always more to the story. thankfully no child was harmed or any pedestrians or other drivers.
all of this has a detrimental impact on the child. as you think about next steps, please put your DD as the primary filter for any of your choices. what is best for HER. and of course what is best for you. let the other adult sort his own stuff out. possibly he needs to do that while living elsewhere. your child should not have to be shuttled off all the time while daddio gets the house to himself while you are gone....
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I can only say you need to have someone else in charge of your child while you are gone. Until he can prove over the long term that he is not drinking and driving your child, or showing your child traumatic behaviors then he is not able to be a parent on his own. It's a hart truth, but it is what it is.
Recovery takes a long time, and unfortunately, relapse is a part of it. Only you can decide if you can live with that.
I am so sorry for what you are going through and send you a big hug. I say all of this kindly because I know it's painful.
Recovery takes a long time, and unfortunately, relapse is a part of it. Only you can decide if you can live with that.
I am so sorry for what you are going through and send you a big hug. I say all of this kindly because I know it's painful.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by Ph0en1X
Thank you for the clear advice.
I will arrange for others to take over the carpool and drive some myself. I am still working on finding someone to stay at the house while I travel or see if she can stay with a friend.
Has anyone seen great success with inpatient verses outpatient rehabs? Also, any advice on immediate action to take when a relapse occurs?
I will arrange for others to take over the carpool and drive some myself. I am still working on finding someone to stay at the house while I travel or see if she can stay with a friend.
Has anyone seen great success with inpatient verses outpatient rehabs? Also, any advice on immediate action to take when a relapse occurs?
My AH did inpatient detox (july 2018), IOP (aug 2018), a smattering of aa meetings, outpatient detox/rehab (December 2018/jan 2019), got a sponsor (march 2019), got a therapist (march 2019), inpatient rehab for 3 weeks (july/august 2019). And guess what? Drank through all of it including immediately after inpatient. All of this while getting physically sicker and sicker.
About a week ago he decided he was at his bottom. He has been without a drink for 5 days now. He says he hit his bottom and he is done. I know he is not drinking. Now this can (obviously) easily go right back. But IF he really is done and on the road to recovery there is no difference except HIS MINDSET. He has the same therapist same sponsor and going to meetings. My point is that if it does “stick” it is ONLY because he decided he had enough and wants to be sober. Don’t get me wrong. The tools are all important ‘but these things were all there before. None of it works unless the AH wants it. Badly.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This sounds super overwhelming but you've got this. I am a single mom. For YEARS I did not allow my XAH to drive my children or be with them alone. The thing is, you build up a network. You be honest about what you are going through and reach out and build up your people.
I have an entire tribe that would help me with my kids at the drop of a hat. They all know. I am not embarrassed about it at all, nor do I have any issue asking them for help. Just as I would and do help them.
I am a firm believer in that it takes a village. The stronger and bigger your village is, the better for you AND YOUR CHILDREN.
I have an entire tribe that would help me with my kids at the drop of a hat. They all know. I am not embarrassed about it at all, nor do I have any issue asking them for help. Just as I would and do help them.
I am a firm believer in that it takes a village. The stronger and bigger your village is, the better for you AND YOUR CHILDREN.
Originally Posted by batchel9
Yup, cut him out of the equation and just assume you have to handle it all.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Originally Posted by Ph0en1X
Hi FFA,
This is my first post. I have spent a few hours reading the forum and I now know how similar my story is to many of yours.
I have been with my AH since we were young and love him desperately - I do not want to leave him. We have a 13 year old daughter. We have a family history of alcoholism on both sides of our family in current and past generations.
My AH has not been able to hold a job in 9 months, and his addiction has escalated steadily over the 18 months. He went from social drinker to turning into both of our alcoholic fathers in less than 2 years.
I am the sole financial provider, and I travel occasionally for my job. Just to add to the complexity, our daughter goes to a charter school without bussing - so her SAHD drives her and friends several times a week for carpool. Our daughter knows/sees everything and has a therapist of her own (not something a parent hopes is necessary for a 13 year old).
5 months ago, a parent at her dance studio congratulated me that my AH "seemed to be doing well and rarely smelled like alcohol these days." Needless to say, I was horrified, and had no idea that he was day drinking and then driving the kids. I searched the house and cars, bought a home breathalyzer for use before carpool - you all know the drill based on the posts I have read.
My AH has been doing intensive outpatient rehab for the last 6 weeks and we celebrated 35 days sober yesterday. This was his last week of rehab.
He relapsed yesterday by secretly drinking a bottle of wine over the course of several hours, and then being verbally abusive to his sister in front of our daughter. He lied when I confronted him and then tried the suck instead of blow technique on the breathalyzer to hid it from me (thank you BACtrack for making it whistle when they try that)!
I travel for work in 9 days which leaves him home alone with driving responsibility for our daughter and others children.
I can barely stand to hold his hand today and he just wants physical affection from me. I am so angry but will not take it out on him because that could trigger more drinking - so I avoid him. I feel guilt, anger, shame - which leads to more guilt that I am ashamed when - I know he can't control himself.
Here are my question for all of you. How do I NOT mother, boss, judge, enable, and still keep my daughter and her friends safe? Is inpatient rehab any better than outpatient if he already made it 35 days in outpatient and inpatient is only 14? Should I tell other parents in the carpool that he relapsed?
Thank you for listening and sorry for the long post!
This is my first post. I have spent a few hours reading the forum and I now know how similar my story is to many of yours.
I have been with my AH since we were young and love him desperately - I do not want to leave him. We have a 13 year old daughter. We have a family history of alcoholism on both sides of our family in current and past generations.
My AH has not been able to hold a job in 9 months, and his addiction has escalated steadily over the 18 months. He went from social drinker to turning into both of our alcoholic fathers in less than 2 years.
I am the sole financial provider, and I travel occasionally for my job. Just to add to the complexity, our daughter goes to a charter school without bussing - so her SAHD drives her and friends several times a week for carpool. Our daughter knows/sees everything and has a therapist of her own (not something a parent hopes is necessary for a 13 year old).
5 months ago, a parent at her dance studio congratulated me that my AH "seemed to be doing well and rarely smelled like alcohol these days." Needless to say, I was horrified, and had no idea that he was day drinking and then driving the kids. I searched the house and cars, bought a home breathalyzer for use before carpool - you all know the drill based on the posts I have read.
My AH has been doing intensive outpatient rehab for the last 6 weeks and we celebrated 35 days sober yesterday. This was his last week of rehab.
He relapsed yesterday by secretly drinking a bottle of wine over the course of several hours, and then being verbally abusive to his sister in front of our daughter. He lied when I confronted him and then tried the suck instead of blow technique on the breathalyzer to hid it from me (thank you BACtrack for making it whistle when they try that)!
I travel for work in 9 days which leaves him home alone with driving responsibility for our daughter and others children.
I can barely stand to hold his hand today and he just wants physical affection from me. I am so angry but will not take it out on him because that could trigger more drinking - so I avoid him. I feel guilt, anger, shame - which leads to more guilt that I am ashamed when - I know he can't control himself.
Here are my question for all of you. How do I NOT mother, boss, judge, enable, and still keep my daughter and her friends safe? Is inpatient rehab any better than outpatient if he already made it 35 days in outpatient and inpatient is only 14? Should I tell other parents in the carpool that he relapsed?
Thank you for listening and sorry for the long post!
There is a lot of great advice here. They are correct in that you need to act like a single mom and take control of everything. you cannot trust him or should you. He needs to get his act together. You need to look after the safety of yourself and kids first.
I like Hopeful4 it takes a Village. She is correct. the more people you have around you the easier everything will be. Don't be embarrassed by your AH. You didn't cause it. Just be honest with people and they will want to help most of the time.
We are here to help and listen. You have a great day and keep posting here. Be strong.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
