fourhourdelay

i read a thread on here created in 2008 by ChadDJC - the first post was this:

"My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year and are in our mid-twenties. We both have jobs and have gone through "College life" where drinking is a daily activity... We are both, today, "normal" or casual drinkers, we don't need to drink everyday (and we don't), we have some wine with dinner from time to time, and go out sometimes on weekends. Ever since I met her (a year ago), I noticed that she has a drinking problem, which I will explain shortly. We have had many, many discussions about it and even she admits she has a drinking problem (vs being an alcoholic, which we researched online, that she doesnt NEED a drink daily) but that she could easily control it and it's no big deal (first red flag for me).

So, here's the situation: When she's drinking alone with me i.e. share a bottle of wine with dinner on the weekend, everything is fine. We will finish off the bottle, usually after her 2nd glass she says she's had enough, after the wine we might have a glass of port, we're both a bit tipsy, life is great and the rest of the evening is perfect. On other occasion, she will not drink, or simply have 1 glass. This is what I consider "normal" drinking... no abuse, just for fun.

The problem is whenever she drinks with friends, either at someone's house or in a club, she can't stop drinking. She will drink as long as there is alcohol, and some of her friends are also really not the best of influences on her. Not only does she get completely wasted, when she gets that drunk she becomes extremely abusive towards me (not physically but verbally) and always tries to pick a fight. If I ignore her, she continues, but if I reply then we argue. Also, if she's drunk and I say "Babe you've had too much to drink, let's go to bed and discuss this tomorrow" she gets extremely angry at me and is even more abusive. These evenings usually end with her passing out on my couch or in bed. Lately she's also been having black outs the next day. The rock bottom was when she was so drunk she got kicked out of a bar... Not only does she drink when other people drink, but I've been in situations where we would be 5 or 6 people casually drinking at a friend's house on a Friday night, and by 10 pm everyone had had 2-3 drinks and was fine, except for her, she was already wasted. She can't seem to "pace" her drinking...

In the year we've been together, I honestly can't recall one time where we had a big argument and she was sober. If she's sober, our relationship is incredible. But every time she gets really drunk, it's a disaster. I have tried filming her, once we're back home and she's abusive, and then showing it to her the next day. She's always embarrassed after a night like that (especially the time I filmed her, or if some of her friends tell her how bad she was), apologizes for hurting and insulting me, says things like "you know I don't mean the things I say when I'm drunk" etc. Fortunately, this doesn't happen every day, although there was a period during the summer where it was once a week, sometimes twice. Normally, it happens once or twice a month (which is still WAY too often...).

Now I know this is not a relationship advice forum, and my question is really more on her drinking. Do you think it can really be just a phase? after all, we're still young. Also, how can you explain that her drinking habits change if she's with me vs with her friends (and I would not consider it peer pressure because no one forces her to drink). Finally, how do you explain the extreme change in personality after too many drinks? Can this change with time, or is she doomed?? Also, I have seen her, although very few times, go out with friends, we have several drinks, nothing in excess, we get back home and everything is fine. I have seen her do it, I know she can do it, which for me adds up to the mystery of why sometimes she has no control...

I know I'm seeking a lot of information, but I've been seriously thinking of ending this relationship. It would be a very easy decision if overall, I wasn't happy with her. But as I previously mentioned, when she's sober (which is most of the time), our relationship is really perfect.

Please let me know what you guys (and girls!) think, it is much appreciated! "

and it's pretty much what i'm dealing or trying to deal with right now. if you please have the time to read this post and offer any advice.

i've read all the other posts but the OP never posted the outcome. and i'm just wondering if any of you have been in a similar situation before...how did you deal with it? and what happened when you confronted the person about the alcohol abuse?

CodeJob

Hello 4hourdelay, welcome to SR.

Daily drinking in college is not normal in my opinion. It is a red flag.

The bingers I knew used alcohol as an excuse to let go and take things too far. Frankly I avoided these people bc of the stupid dramas they created. This most be a real mess now with FB, Twitter and Instagram apps. Now I have some people I work with who still do this crappy drama as if the fact they were wasted makes it all OK. If you think u need to get drunk to have a "good" time there's a problem. What is funny and cute about a young woman who has no self restraint? How can you take her to a work party? I find this behavior disconcerting at any age. I was in NOLA and saw a woman in her 50's get hit by a car bc she was wasted at 10 am. WTF?

Ironically I married an A in the making, so take what you need and leave the rest!

Hawkeye13

Hi 4hourdelay;

I'm a "double winner" in that I grew up in an alcoholic home and am also a recovering alcoholic now. I'm turning 50 this year and was a drinker for 35 years or so.

I disagree that not "needing to drink everyday" means you are not an alcoholic.

I was a lot like your girlfriend early on--could go days, weeks, and even occasionally months between drinks (when I was in training) in my 20s, 30s, and early 40s.
I could have a couple of glasses of wine, a microbrew beer, a single drink before dinner and it was not an issue quite often.

I'm assuming that she can go at least 30 days without alcohol no problem?
If you don't know, you guys should try it because that is a common (though not definitive) "test" of sorts to see if you have alcohol issues.
This should be fairly easy for someone who truly doesn't have an issue but very hard or impossible for someone who does--they sneak drinks, say its stupid, refuse to do it, etc.

I could do it, with effort, for years but I still had a serious problem building. By the time
I decided to stop, my drinking was daily or every other day and I too was being abusive to
my spouse verbally and unable to stop with a reasonable amount most times.

But when I was younger
I would sometimes "binge drink" (like your girlfriend is doing) In the early years
I didn't get mean or abusive--that came later. But by your definition, I was not "alcoholic"
yet.

For all of this time, I worked full time, finished multiple university degrees, never missed a payment for anything and barely ever a day at work but I began to binge more often.

My point is that if your GF is young, it seems she already has serious issues.
There is a problem if you feel there is a problem. Verbal abuse, drinking to passing out
or incoherence, is not OK whatever you choose to label it, nor will it get better if she keeps drinking.

Living with a person with alcohol issues is no fun and ultimately a downhill road to He - -
I put my husband through a great deal of crap the last 10 years or so as I began to do
what your girlfriend is doing now--saying rude or unkind things drunk and then apologizing for them later. It does a terrible amount of damage, and you need to protect
yourself from such treatment.

I guess I'm saying, don't worry about the label, but the behavior that is showing itself.
Actions are what counts here, because those are the real indicators I've learned.

Good luck to both of you.

doggonecarl

Rare is the alcoholic who, when confronted about their alcohol abuse, admits it is a problem. Rarer yet is the alcoholic who does anything about it.

Care to elaborate on your paticular situation?

hopeful4

I have been in this situation. I got pregnant with my first daughter and married him. Things continued to progress until he got in serious trouble with the law, nearly caused me a nervous breakdown, has damaged my life and that of my children. His touch with the law did change some things. He does not drink to that point anymore but he is on probation and is extremely scared of going to jail. I would love to say it's change because of us, but it is not. Once he is off probation I am very aware it can spiral out of control again and I WILL LEAVE if that happens. I won't get back on the crazy train again.

My life with him is not good. I am not able to focus on me and my girls and am quite detatched from him. It is not a happy marriage at all.

He did go to rehab. The worst mistake I ever made was to let him come back home, I should have divorced him after his run in with the law and not looked back. However, I did not so here I am.

If you are going through this yourself, run...run now and run fast and don't look back. Not trying to be harsh, just honest.

Good Luck and God Bless.

honeypig

Welcome, 4hourdelay. Don't know how much you've had time to read here, but alcoholism is a progressive disease. My best guess as to why your GF doesn't get abusively horribly blackout drunk every single time she drinks is b/c she hasn't progressed to that point yet. For now, if she's in a quiet, one-on-one situation, she is able to control her drinking, but if she's in a looser, party-type atmosphere, she drinks w/o restraint, resulting in the behavioral changes you've seen.

I'm sorry to say, but it's pretty likely that things will progress over time and the uncontrolled drinking will become the norm, unless she decides she has a problem and seeks help.

Again, if you've been reading posts here, you've probably seen any number of us saying "but I LOVE him/her when she's sober, he/she is just the GREATEST person!" Unfortunately, the drunk, abusive, embarrassing person is the SAME ONE as the sweet, attentive sober person. As time passes, you'll see less and less of the person you love and more and more of the "evil twin." It's not pretty, not something you want to be right up close and personal with.

Hawkeye's post hits a lot of the pertinent points, I think. Please keep on reading here and learn all you can about what you're up against. As you say, you're young. With your whole life ahead of you, you should think very carefully before deciding to tie yourself to an alcoholic. Better to make the break now than 15 years, 3 kids and a house and mortgage later....