Peacegirl

Hello,

So, at the suggestion of many on this site, I have ben reading "Codependent no more". I am only halfway through the book and although I knew I had a problem, I didn't realize the extent of the problem until I read a chapter last night. Talked all about doing things so the other person doesn't have to sufffer or be put in a bad situation. But always suffering ourselves. Example, I realized for years that because my husband never had ANY patience, I would walk on eggshells and try to intervene to take care of problems before he found out. When the kids were babies, I'd jump up quickly to get them before they cried too long so he would loose it. If I came home and one of the dogs crapped on the floor, I better get it cleaned quickly so he wouldn't come home and freak out. All the while I told myself that I did this cause I didn't want to hear it from him. Keeping peace... But in actuality, I shielded him from life because now he doesn't seem to know how to handle everyday situations that arise. Everything is a major problem when it really is just everyday stuff. I'm trying to back off and let him deal with issues as they arise also but its tough because he hasn't learned to have patience with anything in life yet...kids, dogs, work....
Has anyone else lived this?

Peacegirl

Tuffgirl

Guilty!

But its something I am working on and getting better at not doing!

But I don't think you created a monster. I think you enabled behaviors for a long time, but monster? I think if he's a monster, that's on him, not you.

Oh the dog poop...that was one of my big fears, not catching those accidents first. I felt responsible somehow, as if I have direct control over the dogs' bowels! It was this very thing that led me to separate - knowing I was driving myself insane to prevent stressful situations in order to keep some semblance of peace. And that I hadn't seen my kids much either, because in order to keep a stress-free and happy home, I was sending them to friends' homes more and more often. It all kind of hit me at Christmas in 2010, and it was truly a wake-up call.

Now I live in my own happy chaos. And its all ok! ; )

LifeRecovery

I know how hard this is but commend you both for recognizing it, while you were still in it.

I did this for all of my married life. Right at the end I realized what I was doing and stopped...it was amazing what he was capable of when I put some limits in place for myself.

For me it was a learned pattern way before my marriage....and I suspect for him also and we just brought it out in each other.

I am just grateful I have the willingness and the want to change, because I know it can happen.

NYCDoglvr

Oh yes, I've been there. When I was in the destructive codepenent relationship I rationized everything and my head was clouded by denial. It took a while to ask myself why I was obsessed over a guy I didn't like, trust or respect. It took even longer to realize what I called love was really need. One day I saw that I never looked at my part of the problem -- that I picked him and stayed with him. I learned to take responsibility for my part in creating the misery that was my life. I lived in Alanon during and after this low point in my life because I didn't want to pick another tortured soul.

ForeverOptimist

Oh yes... This is me to a "T"! I've also been dealing with an AH with no life skills. Now that I am letting him deal with life's stresses, he claims he needs me now more than ever. He is unable to handle things on his own. And that I am heartless because I won't step in and save him. Just this morning he said, "That's what marriage is!" Ugh...

dollydo

Me too, been there, done that.

Peacegirl

Good to know I'm not alone! To add to the whole "letting him learn to deal on his own", I find that I sometimes feel more like his mother than his wife. This is not good because nobody wants to sleep with their son!
Really though, this is very trying because he can blow up so quickly at the smallest stuff. I find that it starts putting me in a funk too if I don't watch out. Thing is, when he is acting like this, he says he isnt overreacting. I found myself arguing with him about his reaction to the situation and this is rediculous. I've started keeping quit and letting him go about his way. Sometimes this upsets him because he wants me to react how he does, but it just isn't me.
On the bright side....it can only get better.

StarCat

I was always solving his problems and never telling him about mine. I was expected to solve the problems he caused, but heaven forbid something happened that I needed help with, his life was ruined and it was my fault.

Redheadsusie

Peacegirl- I can relate totally - My AH who has moved out this week had zero patience and I like you tried to always keep the peace and it was awful for me. I try now to remember that he got along before me and he can get along now - someone will help him with life - the next woman I am sure. StarCat - You summed up my relationship to AH in a nutshell. I learned to never ask for help because I would just get yelled at and made to feel guilty for even asking. Sending love and support to you all!

Bubovski

I spent a fair portion of my life 'facilitating' for my ultra disturbed mother and half sister.
Some Buddhist call it 'Idiot Compassion'. We do too much for people, so as not to feel guilty for not interfering but we may make the other people emotional cripples.
Interference is a multi edged sword.

LifeRecovery

What was amazing to me was how hard it was for me to let go of all the doing.

It really brought up my own anxieties; and forced me to look at how I used them to numb out to the world. By always being busy, stressed and "doing."

That has been some of the biggest learnings/lessons I have needed.

Thelma

Count me in. And I still find myself doing it after reading the same book. I no longer step in to "save the day" so to speak, but I do try to keep the peace by cleaning up doggie poop, vomit, etc. to try to not have a reason to set him off.
As far as HIS everyday problems, I no longer try to solve them. I'm much better at just saying, "well you'll figure it out" or "I'm sorry you feel that way" when he can't handle the realities of life.
But I feel I choose my battles on what will in the long run effect MY inner peace, hence the scramble to clean up accidents caused by my furbabies. And it's as much to protect me as well as having him angry at them, and in return exploding at me. (he has never turned his anger on my animals no matter what mess they may make)