Update & Help needed.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: West Midlands, UK
Posts: 107
Update & Help needed.....
Hello All,
I haven't posted in a while but have been checking on you all regularly and adding replies where I feel qualified to!
I've no reason to post really just that I've been feeling really down recently. To update you all... My XA of 5 years left me and my 1 year old girl last October after a particularly bad spell which culminated in him setting fire to my kitchen and me having a breakdown of sorts. I have been on anti depressants since and am due to start Cognitive Behavioural Therapy soon. I am working and managing reasonably well (to the outside world at least) since then. I have been having sporadic contact with him though the real reason that he left was because his A father came into several thousand pounds of welfare money and he is living there and they are still happily drinking it.
He has not helped me financially at all since he left, has purposefully lost his job so that even the CSA can't help (and he prefers to sleep til 4 then go to the pub anyway...) He also has not found barely any sober time to see our little girl despite it being Christmas and her 1st Birthday. As far as I can gather from others he has drank solidly every single day at least 8-10 pints per day sometimes all nighters/weekenders and continues to. The excuses he gives is that he believes he is going to prison for the fire attempt (which may well be the case) and that he can't see her or me because I am argumentative and will get him into further trouble. He is in total denial that he has a drink problem, he grew up watching his father doing the exact same and to him it is entirely normal.
Over the last few months I (although admittedly I know it's worng) have been wishing and begging and trying for him to come back. I understand the reasons for this are my text book co-dependancy tendancies but still couldn't stop them, also it seems the more he wishes to walk away and wash his hands of it, the more desperate I become.
This last week he has kept his phone switched off I think because he knew I would be short of money this week but it seems that now it is off and he enjoys the peace to be allowed to drink without my guilt inducing contact he will keep it that way and the cut of contact is really making me so irrationally sad and anxious, I can't bear it.
I just feel like I'll never ever be free of that terrible anxious unrequited love and it makes me so scared. I know on a logical level that I have calm and peace and that being without him is the best thing for my daughter also that I have a good job, a wonderful family and friends and beautiful bright little girl to love. I have lots to be grateful for and I know from speaking to his Sister that he probably isn't as happy as I'm imagining he is physically in poor shape and has the shakes on waking etc but he seems to be so happy and carefree and it's like I'm jealous of that. I also have this gripping fear that he will meet someone who he will become normal for because he loves her and she doesn't act like I did, when I think of it, the idea almost paralyses me.
I am hoping the CBT counselling will help and I am working through Co-dependant no more and admittedly some days are better than others but even then he is still on my mind from waking to sleeping. It's the switched off phone that has done it to me I think.
Does anybody have any advice or tips, no matter how brutal? I know I need to get through this the hard way but I am still waiting for me to change his mind and declare that he actually does love me because I can't accept that he doesn't I just can't. How do I rid myself of the want? All I have any desire to do these days is to sleep, I have been prescribed Temazepam which I fear Im becoming reliant on. I have no energy to clean up or pay bills etc. I was doing really, really well but I feel like I'm back at the beginning some mornings, desperate for anything from him, when he really couldn't care less. I know the man I met and fell in love with is gone but I still have to live with the happy memories and this twisted obsession of mine with him.
Sorry to rant on, I just wanted to appeal to anyone who has been in my shoes now and ask how I can progress if you have any advice I would be extremely grateful.
With love.
bf x
I haven't posted in a while but have been checking on you all regularly and adding replies where I feel qualified to!
I've no reason to post really just that I've been feeling really down recently. To update you all... My XA of 5 years left me and my 1 year old girl last October after a particularly bad spell which culminated in him setting fire to my kitchen and me having a breakdown of sorts. I have been on anti depressants since and am due to start Cognitive Behavioural Therapy soon. I am working and managing reasonably well (to the outside world at least) since then. I have been having sporadic contact with him though the real reason that he left was because his A father came into several thousand pounds of welfare money and he is living there and they are still happily drinking it.
He has not helped me financially at all since he left, has purposefully lost his job so that even the CSA can't help (and he prefers to sleep til 4 then go to the pub anyway...) He also has not found barely any sober time to see our little girl despite it being Christmas and her 1st Birthday. As far as I can gather from others he has drank solidly every single day at least 8-10 pints per day sometimes all nighters/weekenders and continues to. The excuses he gives is that he believes he is going to prison for the fire attempt (which may well be the case) and that he can't see her or me because I am argumentative and will get him into further trouble. He is in total denial that he has a drink problem, he grew up watching his father doing the exact same and to him it is entirely normal.
Over the last few months I (although admittedly I know it's worng) have been wishing and begging and trying for him to come back. I understand the reasons for this are my text book co-dependancy tendancies but still couldn't stop them, also it seems the more he wishes to walk away and wash his hands of it, the more desperate I become.
This last week he has kept his phone switched off I think because he knew I would be short of money this week but it seems that now it is off and he enjoys the peace to be allowed to drink without my guilt inducing contact he will keep it that way and the cut of contact is really making me so irrationally sad and anxious, I can't bear it.
I just feel like I'll never ever be free of that terrible anxious unrequited love and it makes me so scared. I know on a logical level that I have calm and peace and that being without him is the best thing for my daughter also that I have a good job, a wonderful family and friends and beautiful bright little girl to love. I have lots to be grateful for and I know from speaking to his Sister that he probably isn't as happy as I'm imagining he is physically in poor shape and has the shakes on waking etc but he seems to be so happy and carefree and it's like I'm jealous of that. I also have this gripping fear that he will meet someone who he will become normal for because he loves her and she doesn't act like I did, when I think of it, the idea almost paralyses me.
I am hoping the CBT counselling will help and I am working through Co-dependant no more and admittedly some days are better than others but even then he is still on my mind from waking to sleeping. It's the switched off phone that has done it to me I think.
Does anybody have any advice or tips, no matter how brutal? I know I need to get through this the hard way but I am still waiting for me to change his mind and declare that he actually does love me because I can't accept that he doesn't I just can't. How do I rid myself of the want? All I have any desire to do these days is to sleep, I have been prescribed Temazepam which I fear Im becoming reliant on. I have no energy to clean up or pay bills etc. I was doing really, really well but I feel like I'm back at the beginning some mornings, desperate for anything from him, when he really couldn't care less. I know the man I met and fell in love with is gone but I still have to live with the happy memories and this twisted obsession of mine with him.
Sorry to rant on, I just wanted to appeal to anyone who has been in my shoes now and ask how I can progress if you have any advice I would be extremely grateful.
With love.
bf x
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
(((bearfeet)))
The switched off phone is a gift to you. Have you tried to go no contact before? It has helped me immensely and given me a whole new perspective on things. Maybe you should stop finding out about him through others.
What is it you want from your AH? He obviously couldn't care less about you. Why are you wasting your time thinking about him? Shift that focus to YOU! What do you need right now? What can you do for you today that will make you happy? Even if it is something small, every little helps!
I don't have any specific advice, but I can tell you what I'm trying to do for myself. I suffer from depression and have done so for a large part of my adult life. At one point, I recognised that, at some level, I wanted my AH to 'make it all better' for me. He can't. I'm the only one who can do that. I'm the only one who can be my own knight in shining armour. I have to be the one in control of my 'mental care' since I'm the only one who can ever know what's going on in my head! I am responsible for me.
I started with learning to appreciate myself. Gaining self esteem and self belief - something I'm finding is much easier to do without the AH in my life. Doing little things for me that make me smile. Learning to love me. How can I love anyone when I don't love me? Taking care of my own needs and feeling a sense of accomplishment at thriving rather than just surviving without my STBXAH. I'm still not there yet. I still have a little voice in my head that beats me up for not doing stuff it thinks I 'should'. I'm more unkind to myself than anyone else - though I am working on it! Progress not perfection and baby steps...
Let it all go. All the worry, anxiety and fear. Work the first steps. And take care of you.
:ghug3
The switched off phone is a gift to you. Have you tried to go no contact before? It has helped me immensely and given me a whole new perspective on things. Maybe you should stop finding out about him through others.
What is it you want from your AH? He obviously couldn't care less about you. Why are you wasting your time thinking about him? Shift that focus to YOU! What do you need right now? What can you do for you today that will make you happy? Even if it is something small, every little helps!
I don't have any specific advice, but I can tell you what I'm trying to do for myself. I suffer from depression and have done so for a large part of my adult life. At one point, I recognised that, at some level, I wanted my AH to 'make it all better' for me. He can't. I'm the only one who can do that. I'm the only one who can be my own knight in shining armour. I have to be the one in control of my 'mental care' since I'm the only one who can ever know what's going on in my head! I am responsible for me.
I started with learning to appreciate myself. Gaining self esteem and self belief - something I'm finding is much easier to do without the AH in my life. Doing little things for me that make me smile. Learning to love me. How can I love anyone when I don't love me? Taking care of my own needs and feeling a sense of accomplishment at thriving rather than just surviving without my STBXAH. I'm still not there yet. I still have a little voice in my head that beats me up for not doing stuff it thinks I 'should'. I'm more unkind to myself than anyone else - though I am working on it! Progress not perfection and baby steps...
Let it all go. All the worry, anxiety and fear. Work the first steps. And take care of you.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Bristol UK
Posts: 11
I can undestand where you're coming from BF. I have recently told my AGF that I don't want to be with her any more. I just can't help thinking about her and wishing that we could get back together but realistically in the cold light of day deep down in my heart I don't imagine that either of us can be happy together. My A functions fine on a daily basis but she goes on benders regularly (no pattern to them and no idea of what triggers them) so basically I awalk on a tightrope even when she is sober. I feel so guilty because I reckon that if I just hung around and put up with it she may stop and we can go somewhere.
Anyway, i have no answers for you. I just want you to know that I am in a similar position.
Anyway, i have no answers for you. I just want you to know that I am in a similar position.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: still getting there
Posts: 33
I too, am in a similar situation. I am the one though, who turned off my phone. My abf knows he can only spend time with me when he isn't drinking. I do not want it in my house. So he spent the night with me Thurs. night. Friday I took him home around noon. He was off work and I was off work, so I thought it would be nice to spend the day together. But he said he needed to get home to do some laundry. So I took him. (he's got a dui and no license right now.) Well, I found out later that as soon as he got home, he called a cab and spent the afternoon at the bar. Wasted a beautiful day and a lot of money in the bar.
I tried calling and his phone was turned off, so I left a message asking very sweetly (yet sarcastically) how his laundry was coming and did he need a cab to do his laundry? lol
So he called me later and said we needed to talk. I told him I couldn't talk because I was tired of sitting home alone while he's out drinking, so I was going out with friends. Not true, but I had to say it. So he said I'm an f-ing nut for snooping and finding out about the cab. So I turned off my phone.
He has left several messages since then, the first ones were totally mad, but the one he left last night said he understands that I need to have a life and he loves me no matter what.
BF, thank God I have no children with this man. He chose to spend the day drinking, instead of with me. He thought the little time he spent with me the night b4 would tide me over. Oh yea, he fixed my leaking kitchen sink b4 he left that day. I think he does just enought to get by, then uses it against me if I say anything about his drinking. After he fixed it, he even said "does that give me enought brownie points for a couple of days." I can take a joke, but deep down he means that.
I am getting so tired of being second choice. It is such a blow to my self esteem to be second to anything, let alone beer. Keep your phone off, then you are the one in control.
I tried calling and his phone was turned off, so I left a message asking very sweetly (yet sarcastically) how his laundry was coming and did he need a cab to do his laundry? lol
So he called me later and said we needed to talk. I told him I couldn't talk because I was tired of sitting home alone while he's out drinking, so I was going out with friends. Not true, but I had to say it. So he said I'm an f-ing nut for snooping and finding out about the cab. So I turned off my phone.
He has left several messages since then, the first ones were totally mad, but the one he left last night said he understands that I need to have a life and he loves me no matter what.
BF, thank God I have no children with this man. He chose to spend the day drinking, instead of with me. He thought the little time he spent with me the night b4 would tide me over. Oh yea, he fixed my leaking kitchen sink b4 he left that day. I think he does just enought to get by, then uses it against me if I say anything about his drinking. After he fixed it, he even said "does that give me enought brownie points for a couple of days." I can take a joke, but deep down he means that.
I am getting so tired of being second choice. It is such a blow to my self esteem to be second to anything, let alone beer. Keep your phone off, then you are the one in control.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: West Midlands, UK
Posts: 107
Bookwyrm your reply was very inspiring and all of your words make perfect sense. On good days I do just what you say and it does work, I just wish I could keep the momentum up.
Thank you too Goodlukchrm, it sounds as though you have as much let down as I have had, I liked your laundry message it made me smile, It;s amazing what you can do in bars and pubs these days, laundry, food shopping or the best one for me - jobhunting!
It's stupid though but I know that I could keep my phone off for a year and it would make no difference as he wouold never call! It is hard having a child with him also. I never imagined (though somewhere in my core I had a nagging worry) that I would be raising her alone. I know that I'll do a good job and I couldn't have him live with us again whilst he is how he is at the moment, It would be dangerous. I had some involvement with Social Services after the fire, although she wasn't in the house at the time, and it terrified me that things had got to that point.
And thank you too Brizzlegal, oh I know that 'tightrope walk' only too well! how long were you and your partner together for? Again you seem to have a wonderfully sensible and insightfull attitude about it.
Well as for an update he actually turned up at my door midday Saturday, still in his crumpled clothes from the day before, he had been to a funeral and spent the night up drinking with friends so you can imagine how he looked and smelt, I should have turned him away but it's like I couldn't give up the chance to see him so I sent him up to bed whilst I made her lunch and gave her a nap. I had to sit a test in the sfternoon for a new job and he said he would have her but he was like the living dead and I couldn't trust him at all so I stuck to my original babysitting plans.
The test went well anyway and he met me and we had dinner and some drinks after, I stuck to halves but within an hour he'd had a good few his shakes had gone and he became animated and terrifiyingly 'normal' again. He had no money so I paid and then after a few more drinks he was going from angry to tearful, to normal in the space of one sentence, as I was sober I found it really unsettling and upsetting.
Anyway I left him too it after leaving him with some money to 'get himself home' and went home myself, he seemed to think we'd had a jolly old time and said to to call him today but I don't think I want to, I don't know what I want. I am aware his Dad's money will be running low now and he's lost his job so I want to be in a strong position emotionally because if he 'decides' he'll come back and try again, I desperately want to be able to same no, but don't trust myself to.
Argh!
Thanks again all. I don't know where I'd be without you's. It really helps to get no-nonsense advice from people who have or are going through the exact same thing.
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Thank you too Goodlukchrm, it sounds as though you have as much let down as I have had, I liked your laundry message it made me smile, It;s amazing what you can do in bars and pubs these days, laundry, food shopping or the best one for me - jobhunting!
It's stupid though but I know that I could keep my phone off for a year and it would make no difference as he wouold never call! It is hard having a child with him also. I never imagined (though somewhere in my core I had a nagging worry) that I would be raising her alone. I know that I'll do a good job and I couldn't have him live with us again whilst he is how he is at the moment, It would be dangerous. I had some involvement with Social Services after the fire, although she wasn't in the house at the time, and it terrified me that things had got to that point.
And thank you too Brizzlegal, oh I know that 'tightrope walk' only too well! how long were you and your partner together for? Again you seem to have a wonderfully sensible and insightfull attitude about it.
Well as for an update he actually turned up at my door midday Saturday, still in his crumpled clothes from the day before, he had been to a funeral and spent the night up drinking with friends so you can imagine how he looked and smelt, I should have turned him away but it's like I couldn't give up the chance to see him so I sent him up to bed whilst I made her lunch and gave her a nap. I had to sit a test in the sfternoon for a new job and he said he would have her but he was like the living dead and I couldn't trust him at all so I stuck to my original babysitting plans.
The test went well anyway and he met me and we had dinner and some drinks after, I stuck to halves but within an hour he'd had a good few his shakes had gone and he became animated and terrifiyingly 'normal' again. He had no money so I paid and then after a few more drinks he was going from angry to tearful, to normal in the space of one sentence, as I was sober I found it really unsettling and upsetting.
Anyway I left him too it after leaving him with some money to 'get himself home' and went home myself, he seemed to think we'd had a jolly old time and said to to call him today but I don't think I want to, I don't know what I want. I am aware his Dad's money will be running low now and he's lost his job so I want to be in a strong position emotionally because if he 'decides' he'll come back and try again, I desperately want to be able to same no, but don't trust myself to.
Argh!
Thanks again all. I don't know where I'd be without you's. It really helps to get no-nonsense advice from people who have or are going through the exact same thing.
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