whatnow2

So here's the last communication AH and I had...

I write...

Recap:

Monday-You wake up angry Monday morning because you spilled juice all over and are angry because now I have something to be angry about. I am told F U, shut up you make me sick...you sleep all day, until I take the kids to get something to eat and then you go to the "gas station" (at 9:00pm). You come home around 11:30, completely wasted, and start banging things in the laundry room, drag out the shampooer and ask how do you work this thing...I tell you the kids are all sleeping, this is not the time. So you pass out on couch, but get up to vomit several times. Then you come to bed and I watch you running across the room, barely able to make it to the bathroom to vomit some more, so I go sleep in ------'s room.

Tuesday-I try to wake you for work several times. You get angry and say I aint gettin up. You stay in the room all day sleeping, except when you come out for snacks. You have nothing to say to me except late last night when you got cereal and said "I'm not coming in there"

In case you misinterpret my lack of communication with the "silent treatment" , I would love to speak with you If and when you decide to treat me with respect and get some help, I won't let anyone verbally abuse me one day and think it's ok to just forget it. If it happened once and you apologized, that is one thing. I am CONSTANTLY sworn at and called hateful names whether you are drunk or not. I still hope things will work out, but I am not optimistic.

His Reply...

the big move screwed me up big time. Not being allowed to be exhausted without the accusations didn't help. Things will not work out BECAUSE you are not optimistic....you never were. I don't have much else to say as anything I say can and will be used against me.


My Reply...

....what does that mean??? So it is EASIER for you to give up!!!!!!! It is completely up to you, How could I possibly be optimistic with you repeatedly vomitting???

So what I'm hearing is that you are going to decide on whether or not to get better based on how I feel. If you are not going to try to get healthy for your own good then you will not likely be successful. My feelings are my own and I am entitled to feel them without reprocussions from you.

That was the end of my reply.

I took care of some financial things and am in a position now, where the kids and I can get by for a few months, while I can figure out a longer term plan to get by(been a stay at home mom for 7 years and we have lots of debt)...I'm going to check into trying to go to an alanon meeting tonight. Last time I stood my ground and refused to react to him, he left and went on a 2 week drinking binge.

If he leaves again and refuses to support his family, I will go ahead and file for divorce. Things are leading that way. If he stays and makes some kind of effort, I plan on giving it a little more time. We'd be married 20 years in May. Might give it til our anniversary and then say, ok, it's time the kids and I do what is best for us.

geees poncho

Sounds like a good plan.

NYC_Chick

(((Whatnow2))) Sorry you are in so much pain.

His response is just blame shifting. My xabf used to tell me all the time (before I knew he was an alcoholic) that he was the only one for hope in our relationship and my negative attitude toward it was going to ruin everything. Don't listen to him. Do what is best for you and your children. It's possible. Just pray a lot for strength and your answer will become more clear.

I think they all have the same script!!!

Bernadette

Heya Whatnow2--
Sending you a big (((HUG)))

Ugh. What a miserable atmosphere to be trying to live in.

When dealing with alcoholics, until something changes it is all talk.

EXCELLENT to hear you have a little financial plan in motion for you & the kids. You all deserve far far better than this. Try to conserve some of that energy you are expending on "communicating" with him. Just let it go - he is in serious active addiction and he does not hear anything you say. Seriously. All his mind can do is twist every word to suit his addiction.

A concept I had a hard time accepting when I first started AlAnon was: Nothing gets in the way of their drinking.

It took me a long time to see what that meant in terms of behavior. I guess it explains why sometimes the alcoholic can hold down a decent job (money for booze/social status to deflect criticism of drinking) or can be sweet to loved ones (buying time, building "credit" for future disaster relief) or can make loved ones feel responsible for the problem (keeps them from facing facts:denial!!). All of these things enable them to keep drinking.

Stay strong for yourself and your kids. I hope you can make an Alanon meeting and you find some help and relief there.

You sound like a strong person but this has gotta be very hard on you.

Peace,
B.

sailorjohn

That is the only thing I would quibble with. I think a large majority of the folks in recovery were dragged kicking and screaming by family or the courts. IF he decides to sober up, even for the wrong reason, when his brain clears something might click, so initially it doesn't matter if he sobers up for the right reason or not.

best

The part I left in quotes is the better reply.
Actions or holding back actions are a much better reply.
Boundaries in action speak more then any words.
Soft spoken words speak louder then any yelling.
As he sees you taking care of yourself and doing things for yourself, it yells louder then Attila the Hun getting in his face and telling him what is what.
Soft monotone replies from my wife left me speachless more times then not. They also left me with a question inside of thinking...wow she really means it this time.
As for using Attila the Hun in my example *LOL*
No I am not saying that is you or was you... Just used it to show the contrast.

denny57

No need to read any further. That is abuse. I had to figure out why I accepted it.

Shivaya

Hi Whatnow2, I can definitely relate to what is going on in your home. My AH and I have been together for 19 years (married 14).

My AH has informed me that he will never quit drinking. So...I am accepting this. I'm not going to try and get him to do what I want him to do. I am going to take care of myself and my children.

I have set boundaries with my AH, and they have been working well for me. I'm not telling him what he can/can't do, but rather, letting him know what is/is not acceptable behaviors to me.

And I take action if he oversteps my boundaries. I asked him not to drink in front of myself or the kids. We were out in the neighborhood one afternoon and we was offered and accepted a drink. I excused myself and my daughter and left the scene. I did tell him later that he violated my boundary, and to please not drink in front of us again. So far, he has respected this.

I have also let him know that passing out/blacking out are completely unacceptable to me, and that I will file for legal separation/divorce if he drinks himself into one of these states.

I do attend alanon and see a counselor almost weekly, as well as posting on SR. All very helpful tools that are allowing me to stay in this relationship and not go completely insane or lose myself....

I am not an alcoholic. My father was an alcoholic and my husband is an alcoholic. I'm going to do my best to assure that my children have the love, guidance, and tools they need to make better decisions than I did in love and life....

Please keep us posted on your journey. You are not alone.

Shivaya