InLimbo

As Im getting my things together Im being called a F-ing C (you know.. the bad C word we all hate) and also a F-ing B

Long story short A works outside all day and its been so HOT the past few days (@ 105 ) so last night he felt he deserved to drink and let off steam.
(He knew he was taking today off because he needed a brake from the heat)
So no big deal for me I ate dinner and went to bed while he was at the bar.
I heard him come in @ 12.30 and was supprised because this was early for him. I always get up after he goes to bed to make sure the doors are locked because he tends to leave them open when he comes home in a stooper.
I noticed his car was not in the driveway. I was glad because I hate when he drinks and drives.

So this morning hes still funny from last night.
He says to me "so you ready" I said ready for what. He says "your taking me to my car".:uzi2: I said NO Im not. Im not going that way I have a few stops to make before I go to work. I said you got it there you get it home...

One thing lead to another and he is spitting fire calling me all kinds of names
He says to me YOU try working in 100 degree weather blah blah blah... Like its my fault its so dam hot........

So I left for work closing the door and hes still yelling that dreaded C word at me. I said to him Have a good day off baby, in a happy, what your saying doesnt bother me kind of tone..

Here I am at work and inside im in a rage... want to kill him....
Needed to vent and get that off my chest...
thanks for listening...

denny57

InLimbo, internalizing rage can be dangerous to your health, so venting can be good. What are you doing to deal with what is causing the rage? When you first posted here, he was your fiance. Have you gotten married?

No one deserves to be called the names he is calling you. I used to brush it off as just my AH venting, but the damage was done every single time they were uttered. It is not how normal people speak to someone they love.

Do you attend Al-Anon or some other group therapy? Individual counseling?

Sorry you have to hear this stuff from him - it's soul destroying. Take care of yourself.

sunshine003

Ditto what denny said.

But you know what else? You're sitting here stewing and it will consume your day if you let it but I bet you'll go home and he'll act like nothing. He'll be nice and normal as if that never took place.

I hated when my ah would do that. But I hated more how I'd spend the day upset and he wasn't. Don't give him that much credit, he isn't as mad as he sounded, he is shocked that you wouldn't give him a ride and his reaction was what it was. Don't add to it by letting it ruin your day. It isn't ruining his, that's for sure.

InLimbo

I have attended a few al-anon meetings. I do handle things much better than I would have before. Thats for sure..
I cant say his actions will ruin my day, I do feel angry but not to the point it is going to consume my day.. Not at all.
I know his routine by now and you are right sunshine003, I will go home and he acts like nothing.. Its that way all the time.
And no Denny57 I have not married him. I truely know what I should do but for some reason Im not at that point yet. I know I will get there.

deax

Yeah, he was just tantruming because he didn't get you to fix his problem for him. I agree also that this won't ruin his day, which is probably even more frustrating for you (was for me) and which raises a good point.

Many of the Al Anon readings say (in my understanding) to do pretty much what you did- don't react angrily, don't have a venomous tone, don't say mean things back, don't let the situation disrupt your plans, etc. Recognize the disease and see through it. But the question I've always had about that is exactly your issue- after you handle the situation properly, which I think you did, how do women who are living with this not FEEL angry even if they don't drop down to their level and show it? Sounds like that's what you're sruggling with, and I don't fully understand how one could do that without some internalizing, either... I also stryggle with understanding how a relationship could be so detached and still have room for there to be anything whatsoever emotionally rewarding.

I know no one else can make us feel anything without our permission, but outright verbal abuse is a lot to handle.... And like the other thread is discussing, it's hard to determine where the truth lies in what they say. Must take a lot of strength and recovery time to get the point where one can stay in a relationship and "handle" that kind of namecalling and verbal abuse.

Not sure if any of the above makes much sense, but just wanted to tell you that, on my own level and in my own way, I struggle with these issues too, how not to let the A ruin my day and make me feel bad.

I'm so sorry you were spoken to that way, it must feel awful. You don't deserve that.

As for the "it's so hot out I deserve to drink a cold beer" mentality, that was my bf's favorite!

minnie

Surely getting angry is a sign that there are things happening that one needs to examine to see if they are acceptable or not?

I guess accepting the situation and the drinker for exactly what they are could lead to a place where co-existence is possible. Co-existence wasn't enough for me, though.

Emotionally rewarding? With a active drinker coupled with verbal abuse? Do you think it's possible?

ASpouse

It's a matter of choice. You can choose to feel angry or you can choose to "Let Go and Let God". It's as simple as making the choice.

denny57

Attending meetings and working the program/steps are different beasts. I've said it here before, but my experience has been in talking with those who stay that for the most part their A's do not act out in ways that would be destructive to a realtionship under any circumstances.

As Aspouse says, it's a choice. It's letting go of the idea he needs to change before you can live with him and his addiction. If you can't live with the way he is right now then you have to make a different choice.

I know how hard it is. You'll get to the right place when you're ready. It's baby steps.

megamysterioso

Well- the verbal abuse surely sucks and it was simply a tantrum b/c he didn't get his way. I applaud you for not taking him to his car. Your letting him own his own messes which is good. You sound pretty sensible about all this and I hope that your "enough is enough" moment comes to you sooner than later. I agree w/minnie that simply coexisting was NOT enough for me. That's why I got a divorce. As my mom recently said, "life is difficult enough without having the drama of an A and all the chaos it brings." So true Inlimbo. Life is too short!

deax

Is it a slippery slope to repressing your true feelings though? Like, I know for me I wouldn't be able to handle overt verbal or physical abuse, but for those who do and employ the letting go philosophy, I just wonder if that brings them peace in and of itself, without feeling their feelings... I'm sorry if I'm overthinking things again but this seems SO hard in some situations, even like InLimbo's case today, and easier in others (admittedly like mine, for instance). Or is it what denny and minnie said, about needing to recognize how much acting out you can bear and if it it's too much, then it's your obligation to leave for your own happiness? Just trying to understand... InLimbo I hope you find these same questions helpful to explore...

Well, no. I don't want to judge any woman's choices for staying with the unacceptable, I did it too, but that's what I was saying- if you get to the point where you need to detach enough to withstand even emotional/verbal abuse, then I haven't come yet to really understand what makes these women stay at all. They're in recovery and have learned alot if they were able to detach so succesfully- so then why do they stick around if there's nothing left?

MsPINKAcres

((InLimbo)) - First, congratulations on standing up for you and walking away from verbal abuse - that is a good step in a healthy direction. As far as being angry and hurt about the things he said - remember "Just because he said it, doesn't make it true" If someone walked up to you and told you the sky was green you wouldn't believe it, so don't believe those ugly words he said. You know they are not true!! Discount them just like you would someone saying the sky is green. Even when you are in the same room with him and he is saying those things over and over - in your head you can say "and the sky is green and the sky is green" - It may help you realize how untrue those words that are coming out of his mouth are!!

If you can, take special time at lunch to be good to you - take a relax moment for rest, quiet meditation, prayer or whatever relaxes you - You deserve a few minutes of quiet time after that stressful of a morning.

Hope that you will keeping attending those meetings, find a sponsor and work those steps - that is what helped me find the sanity, peace and serenity that fill my life today.

One Day at a Time,
Rita

megamysterioso

Very good advice Japic05 and do be kind to yourself Inlimbo-- for me this would entail a big bucket of spicy fried chicken!! My comfort attachment to food is a whole other issue though LOL.

Deax- I think that it is different for different people. I lean towards minnie's views b/c I think that marriage should be a partnership and there is no way to find that with an active A IMO. I have known a woman before though that stayed in this type of dysfunction b/c she was really not "in love" with him anyway, was financially well provided for and enjoyed living her very independent life without him emotionally involved. I'm NOT saying that's the only reason why some women stay with the active As in their lives that behave in this manner, but it is one example.

sunshine003

mega, I knew someone like that as well. Only, I think she loved her husband. I don't know if he was a A, I think he was just a jerk who stayed out partying alot and when he stayed out all night, it's cuz he was with some random girl. She said she turned the other way and acted as if she didn't know because she liked her life. She liked her home and she loved her husband ....that's how she dealt with it. she even said, "boys will be boys." I was floored. Not sure why, I just was. I'm not sad for her as she didn't appear to be sad for herself so who am I to assume she is? But, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. To each his own I suppose.

denny57

I got better when, after a long process, I started to understand that I needed to stop looking at everyone else and what they were doing and ask myself what did I want and need? It isn't my job, and certainly no longer my desire, to figure out what is going on in other's lives.

It took awhile.

megamysterioso

Sorry to get a little OT on you InLimbo . I would have been floored too sunshine b/c that is soooooo beyond the realm of my thinking and beliefs.

deax

Oh I understand that and don't mean to sound like I'm judging anyone else's decisions at all, I'm just trying to understand all the parts of what detachment and healthy responses mean in different scenarios because I still don't feel like I get a lot of it and it always seems like my reactions to things are never the "right" ones, lol...

Just trying to get it, thanks everyone for the explanations and examples. Lots to think about.

MsPINKAcres

Yea, Mega - comfort food - is a beautiful thing - we could start a whole new thread on comfort food - InLimbo - Not sure where you live - but if you want that spicy fried chicken Mega is talking about - Popeye's Fried Chicken is the best -
Okay - back on topic - hope you are good to yourself - us, Codies are so bad about not treating ourselves nicely and taking care of us - please do something nice for you!!
Just for Today,
Rita

InLimbo

My day has been better than my morning. Work is busy and Im happy to be here..
Im getting my hair cut after work then grabbing a bite o eat with a friend.
Japic05 I know all about popeye's chicken.. I live in NY. Its all over here.

MsPINKAcres

Enjoy that hair cut and meal out with your friend!!
Let us know how you are doing tomorrow,
Rita

InLimbo

Thanks everyone. Hope you all have a good night