Where's the balance???
Queen of one liners
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Where's the balance???
Hi! Here's the facts and I will welcome ANY input.
My 12 yr old granddaughter lives with us most of the time, therefore has her own bedroom....
IT'S A MESS AND THAT'S PUTTING IT MILDLY! If I clean it then I m snooping, Yes, I know it's our house, the program says to find the balance...choose our battles, practice tuff love, have no expectations (searching started this with the daily meditations post so I am trying NOT to blame her for this post).
Yes alcoholism & drugs are the reasons our 2 grandchildern live with us most of the time...
Dad has cusdity of kids, bio-mom gone now for 5 yrs, no contact.
Question is: How do I find the balance between trying to teach responsiblity and not having expectations with this girl...I have only raised boys so I really don't know girls but it seems to me the chore thing should be the same...so far I am the only one in the house this bothers...Everyone else's soluation is "just close the door."
She is really angry,especially at or with me ( didn't used to be) and seems to have a real low self esteem. Isn't doing well in school at the moment. I suggested counciling but that went no where...
Denial is every where...I would really like to have the relationship with her I had 2 years ago. I realize that takes her co-operation.These days she acts like she really doesn't want it. So I have backed off but still try to let her know I love her.
I don't think I am trying to "save her" from what God has in store for her or what others have done. I have only wanted to make a possitive difference in her life...
Most of the time I can "NOT LOOK" at her room but it bothers me that she COULD CHOOSE to grow up totally irresponsible..
Even after all this time in the program, Al-Anon, I still have a problem finding the balance. OF course I see everything black or white...IN this case clean or not clean. At the moment I am NOT cleaning the room and haven't for 5 wks...but then neither has she..(I would love to just go in and shovel it out but I realize that would be letting her off the hook. Also, I have told her I AM not cleaning her room again..
I know this is all minor to what some of you are going through but pain is pain and insane is insane....AND
FOR SOME REASON THE GIRL'S ROOM IS REALLY DRIVING ME UP THE WALL TODAY...
My 12 yr old granddaughter lives with us most of the time, therefore has her own bedroom....
IT'S A MESS AND THAT'S PUTTING IT MILDLY! If I clean it then I m snooping, Yes, I know it's our house, the program says to find the balance...choose our battles, practice tuff love, have no expectations (searching started this with the daily meditations post so I am trying NOT to blame her for this post).
Yes alcoholism & drugs are the reasons our 2 grandchildern live with us most of the time...
Dad has cusdity of kids, bio-mom gone now for 5 yrs, no contact.
Question is: How do I find the balance between trying to teach responsiblity and not having expectations with this girl...I have only raised boys so I really don't know girls but it seems to me the chore thing should be the same...so far I am the only one in the house this bothers...Everyone else's soluation is "just close the door."
She is really angry,especially at or with me ( didn't used to be) and seems to have a real low self esteem. Isn't doing well in school at the moment. I suggested counciling but that went no where...
Denial is every where...I would really like to have the relationship with her I had 2 years ago. I realize that takes her co-operation.These days she acts like she really doesn't want it. So I have backed off but still try to let her know I love her.
I don't think I am trying to "save her" from what God has in store for her or what others have done. I have only wanted to make a possitive difference in her life...
Most of the time I can "NOT LOOK" at her room but it bothers me that she COULD CHOOSE to grow up totally irresponsible..
Even after all this time in the program, Al-Anon, I still have a problem finding the balance. OF course I see everything black or white...IN this case clean or not clean. At the moment I am NOT cleaning the room and haven't for 5 wks...but then neither has she..(I would love to just go in and shovel it out but I realize that would be letting her off the hook. Also, I have told her I AM not cleaning her room again..
I know this is all minor to what some of you are going through but pain is pain and insane is insane....AND
FOR SOME REASON THE GIRL'S ROOM IS REALLY DRIVING ME UP THE WALL TODAY...
Last edited by Daffodil; 02-27-2003 at 02:34 PM.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Daffodil,
Somehow I think that this is not about the room. Tell her to clean it and she won't have any privilages until it is done.
I have a grandson who lost his mother to a heroin overdose and his father (my son) is an addict who has very little to do with him. He lives with his other gramma and visits us every other weekend for the whole weekend. I have a very difficult time laying down the law. And if he balks I bend. I can easily foresee a problem in my future. I feel like this little guy has been through so much why should I be coming down on him. He is 5 so I am not there yet but I can see myself as a gray haired old woman trying to convince myself that he should pay his OWN bills. Yikes!
You are for all practical purposes her mother and you have valuable experience that you can rely on plus your program. If your intuition says councelling... do it...she is 12. How about Alateen? I can't count the times I ignored my intuition with my own son.
I sound real certain right now, but with this 5 year old coming down the pike...stick around. I may need you some day...
Ahhh...if "they" had just told me what would happen when I had kids...
Hugs,
JT
Somehow I think that this is not about the room. Tell her to clean it and she won't have any privilages until it is done.
I have a grandson who lost his mother to a heroin overdose and his father (my son) is an addict who has very little to do with him. He lives with his other gramma and visits us every other weekend for the whole weekend. I have a very difficult time laying down the law. And if he balks I bend. I can easily foresee a problem in my future. I feel like this little guy has been through so much why should I be coming down on him. He is 5 so I am not there yet but I can see myself as a gray haired old woman trying to convince myself that he should pay his OWN bills. Yikes!
You are for all practical purposes her mother and you have valuable experience that you can rely on plus your program. If your intuition says councelling... do it...she is 12. How about Alateen? I can't count the times I ignored my intuition with my own son.
I sound real certain right now, but with this 5 year old coming down the pike...stick around. I may need you some day...
Ahhh...if "they" had just told me what would happen when I had kids...
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
Hi Daffodil,
That's OK, I'll take responsibility for the post. If my meditation got you thinking about issues in recovery, than that is a positive.
I sort of have a similar situation in that I have a step son who lives with us. I have similar issues but my step son is 8 so it may be a little different. I most certainly make him clean his room, he also does the dishes. Everything is a huge drama getting him to do anything, but I firmly believe that if we don't teach them to be responsible for themselves they will grow up thinking everything comes easy. When I first met my step son at 2 it was already starting, he feels very entitled. He's shocked when he has to do something resembling work. He wanted a puppy but does not ake ANY responsibility with it. He sees his mother every other weekend and he has loads of grandparents. Because of his situation and not seeing him much they indulge him and he is not thrilled that we make him do his homework and brush his teeth. He has actually asked me to blow on his soup or him when it was too hot. This was a few weeks ago.
As far as having expectations, I have learned that having expectations with my husband sets me up for dissappointment. It's hard not to have expectations of your kids. I don't have expectations that he will clean his room, but I guess I do expect that he try.
I do think as a parent we do have a responsibility to teach our kids how to be independent and how to take responsibility. If it's a 12 yr old girls, she's most likely starting to get hormonal and probably pretty defiant. If it a HUGE headache I guess for sanitys case I would close the door. When it comes to my 38 yr old husband it's too late for him to change his ways in that regard and it's not my responsibility to teach him, I've just excepted it as my fate to clean up after him. He does make the money after all.
Anyway, that is my 52 cents worth. It's all just my opinion. I'm sure some of the pros have learned the hard way to let things like this go, although I do remember one of the girls here saying to do anything you can until they are 18 while you still can. I would take priveledges away if she refuses to clean her room. In my opinion if you are asking her to do it and she's not doing it, then she is disrespecting you.
That's OK, I'll take responsibility for the post. If my meditation got you thinking about issues in recovery, than that is a positive.
I sort of have a similar situation in that I have a step son who lives with us. I have similar issues but my step son is 8 so it may be a little different. I most certainly make him clean his room, he also does the dishes. Everything is a huge drama getting him to do anything, but I firmly believe that if we don't teach them to be responsible for themselves they will grow up thinking everything comes easy. When I first met my step son at 2 it was already starting, he feels very entitled. He's shocked when he has to do something resembling work. He wanted a puppy but does not ake ANY responsibility with it. He sees his mother every other weekend and he has loads of grandparents. Because of his situation and not seeing him much they indulge him and he is not thrilled that we make him do his homework and brush his teeth. He has actually asked me to blow on his soup or him when it was too hot. This was a few weeks ago.
As far as having expectations, I have learned that having expectations with my husband sets me up for dissappointment. It's hard not to have expectations of your kids. I don't have expectations that he will clean his room, but I guess I do expect that he try.
I do think as a parent we do have a responsibility to teach our kids how to be independent and how to take responsibility. If it's a 12 yr old girls, she's most likely starting to get hormonal and probably pretty defiant. If it a HUGE headache I guess for sanitys case I would close the door. When it comes to my 38 yr old husband it's too late for him to change his ways in that regard and it's not my responsibility to teach him, I've just excepted it as my fate to clean up after him. He does make the money after all.
Anyway, that is my 52 cents worth. It's all just my opinion. I'm sure some of the pros have learned the hard way to let things like this go, although I do remember one of the girls here saying to do anything you can until they are 18 while you still can. I would take priveledges away if she refuses to clean her room. In my opinion if you are asking her to do it and she's not doing it, then she is disrespecting you.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Daffodil
I agree with JT - tell her all privileges including going out are suspended until the room is clean....that's called a boundary.
I find that direction given with love works for children who tend to test the power waters. You are the adult, she is the child. Adults teach children responsibility, and that there are consequences when cooperation is not given.
And after what she has been through, perhaps couselling would be good for both of you.
My prayers go out for your and your family.
I agree with JT - tell her all privileges including going out are suspended until the room is clean....that's called a boundary.
I find that direction given with love works for children who tend to test the power waters. You are the adult, she is the child. Adults teach children responsibility, and that there are consequences when cooperation is not given.
And after what she has been through, perhaps couselling would be good for both of you.
My prayers go out for your and your family.
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