prodigal

Yep, it took 72 hours, and that has ALWAYS been the magic number. Long story made short ... AH is fine for the first 72 hours we're reunited, then he reverts to the same old junk. It took him 72 hours to start behaving like a nut after he came home from nine months in the Mideast. I should have known from previous experience what I was in for.

However, let's forget him for now and deal with ME. After all, I have to live with myself whether I like it or not. I don't have to live with him. I left him a note Sunday night requesting that he give me a call to give me an estimate as to when he'd be home. We had mutually agreed that I'd cook dinner while I was out of school so he could focus on getting back into his job, going to meetings, doing chores around the house. So I waited and waited on Monday afternoon. I got dinner ready. I put dinner in the fridge. I couldn't reach him via phone or email (big boss was in town which is why his cell was turned off). I thought maybe I should go to the 5:30 step aerobic class at the gym, but decided not to. He had been interested in knowing my schedule so we could synchronize the dinner "thing." I didn't want to mess that up his first week home. Besides, we were under the official 72-hour mark when he goes nuts so I didn't see the lunacy coming my way.

So, here I sat waiting. At 8 pm I get a call. He's five minutes away. He's figured out what was causing the weird smell in our R.V. (propane leak, according to him). I asked him (for about the millionth time) to take the R.V. to the shop so if it's a leak the repairman could fix it before we take it on the road a week from Thursday. I think it was a build-up of all the stuff he didn't do around here and all the stuff I had to shoulder to keep this house going while he sat around drunk 24/7 the first two months we had the house. I think it's how he has discounted my voice, my opinions, my suggestions completely from the get-go. Just my feelings, mind you; but my feelings nonetheless.

Oh, what the hey, there is still a lot of residual anger that kicks in when I "hear" certain internal triggers that get me extremely perturbed. He ignored my note to call, he's back into himself except now instead of alcohol it's his job, his meetings, his repair projects. It certainly ain't me that gets any attention unless it's on HIS terms. Never a "what would you like dear?" - just does what HE thinks I want. Yeah, I try to tell him what I want but he doesn't seem to "get" it.

So he walks out last night. I didn't say a word when he got home. Better to shut up than say something I'd regret. He pulled the same old, "Hmmm, dinner looks great," routine. That was it - anger time was over. I had gotten angry at him on the phone. That was 12 minutes before he came in the door. My time was up. Now he was going to take charge of what transpired. "Do you want me to stay or leave?" he asked. I didn't say a word. Somehow, I don't think that decision was mine to make. This reminded me of the kid who got ticked off at the other kids, picked up all his marbles, and stormed off saying, "I'm going to take my marbles and go play by myself at home - nahhh!"

He showed up around 7 tonight. Asked if I needed anything done around the house. Asked if I fed the dog. Asked if there was any mail. Walked the dog. Then proceeded to revert to "drama queen" going about the house gathering more of his things. Finally I went out to the garage and asked him what he was hoping to accomplish by walking out on me. "I just want to stay sober today and work on the R.V. to get the t.v. repaired." Okay. I just said, "Too bad you don't think your marriage is as important to work on as an R.V."

That was it. He left. I went back to watching t.v. I thought brief mutual apologies for the misunderstanding would suffice. Now this has been blown up into WWIII. He flounces in. I suppose to assert his control "thing" and make it clear that he will NOT tolerate my silences for more than 10 minutes.

Lessons learned are best learned from experience. Yeah, he's the same old pill he was before he got sober. He was always flouncing out like the grande dame in some soap opera. So I'm baffled. I gave him his space. I went back to doing my business. I guess he'll return when he decides he wants to return. No discussion. No apologies. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I just have to learn to get on with my own business and not let this type of stuff get under my skin.

Bottom line: I just don't think my husband likes me. I don't know if he really even knows who I am, but I don't think he likes me. Not that it's my business if he does or doesn't like me. But I like me. I can't conform to what someone else wants me to be. On the other hand, neither can he. Maybe there is nothing to be baffled about. Maybe we just don't fit, with or without the booze.

Minx1969

Prod -

I know being with an alcoholic is hell..even when they get sober..

But sometimes, we have to cut them a little slack - especially if he is working his program.

It is NOT going to be better over night...I can't remember how many open AA meetings you have gone too..but I suggest you go to some more..

That helped me understand how difficult it is for the A's as well when they get sober..

I know you want him to be different but it's going to take months maybe years for him to change and only if he wants too..

Meanwhile you need to master your detachment and stop taking things personally.

It takes 2 to fight..so stop with the comments on the marriage yet..let him work on his sobriety first and then maybe you will be able to work on the marriage...

I'm not taking sides or making excuses for him - I'm just calling it as I see it..and I see this in my Alanon meetings all the time.

denny57

It sounds very frustrating. After you say the above, the entire post is about him. I don't have experience living with someone who is in recovery, so all I can offer is what has worked for me no matter what - getting to meetings, keeping the focus on me, etc.

Just want to say I'm sorry you're going through this very tough time and I hope tomorrow is a better day for both of you.

((()))

prodigal

Hmmm ... you have a point. Perhaps the entire post is about my perceptions and own fears and biases that I turn towards him rather than about him. After all, if he doesn't know who he is, how can I? Maybe my talking about the situation that transpired says more about me, even if it sounds as if I'm just focusing on him. I can only see people and things through the reality I perceive. That probably doesn't make much sense, but let me put it this way: what we say about other people says more about us than other people.

equus

I don't know if silences are the best way - maybe they are but I don't think I've ever seen it recommended as a means to make peace. Personally they have a deep negative impact on me, my best mate USED to resort to silence and it really hurt, left me confused and angry because I felt strongly that it's rude. How would you deal with silence?

You can shoot me for saying this if you want!!

On another note - is being busy part of his nature? I remember writing here how worried I became when D just slept because it's not his nature. He comes home from work and the 'us' time lasts about 30-40 mins, then he's off on the computer, reading books, making things, fixing things etc. We eat together but then he'll go back to his stuff - that's his nature and it isn't about me. Fow a while I took it personally and it took seeing that nature disappear and wishing it would return to jolt me into reality.

I've learned to ask for what I want and realised we have to talk about how our actions leave each other feeling - the bottom line is I don't want to change him, I want him happy and vibrant. I've got a load better at knowing it isn't all about me, and we've got better at compromise through talking to each other about how we feel rather than about what the 'other' is doing wrong.

I understand the frustrations but being very close while still being individuals with different natures and interests works for me. I enjoy it more now, I like his energy to be up and doing - I remember sharply how sad and frightening it was when that disappeared.

I'll go hunt down an ace website that might help and come back (it helped us ooodles!!).

Edit - here it is. It's a BBC 'experts' site on coping with conflict.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/c...mm_index.shtml

Take care

prodigal

Thanks for that website suggestion. I'll go to it ASAP. No, it's not my H's nature to be the busy sort. It's his nature to be detached. The problem, I once read, is that detached people need people to detach from. As far as discounting me, I told him once that I could understand how men tend to be "visual" and like looking at nude women. (After all Playboy magazine has been a staple in most men's life at some time or other.) However, when my H started downloading barely-legal girls and saving them in files, I was a bit hurt. I told him this bothered me, although I was not certain exactly why. I suppose his preoccupation with it made me feel "less than." Anyway, he shrugged me off by saying "It's only 'eye candy.'" Yes, perhaps it is, but the point was he missed my point and blew me off completely. I said something hurt me and got told I should not feel that way.

I began clamming up and getting quiet after I learned that saying I felt such-and-such didn't seem to matter. I figured keeping my mouth shut was better than not being heard. I'm sure he has plenty of beefs about me too. I've asked him from time to time if he needs to get something off his chest, I'll listen and not interrupt, but generally I don't get any feedback. I suppose he's the "turtle" type that prefers to stay in his shell. The only thing I can do is get over the rough humps, take care of myself, and let him deal with his own issues as he sees fit.

I know everyone here who has dealt with an alcoholic has put up with a lot of crap. Melodie Beattie discusses the anger we feel a lot in her first book. In fact, if memory serves, she has a chapter devoted just to anger. It's bad to hold resentments, but sometimes they rear their ugly heads when we least expect it.

equus

Hey girl - that'd make me go silent at the very least as well!! I know situations are different, I guess I also know that there's more to that then an alcohol problem BECAUSE they're different.

What I wrote above was just based on the post and having got myself to a better place with what I THOUGHT you were dealing with. (*scuse caps - too lazy to bold!).

I haven't been through what you have, I don't think I would be equipped to deal with that in a relationship. I do think the website is good though because it's about knowing what we want and how best to be able to achieve that without hurting anyone else. Whatever the situation, whether the conflict will be long or short that has to be a bonus in my book!

Take care Prodigal - please don't think I'm judging because I'll be the first to say I haven't been in your shoes.

laurie6781

Prodigal I am not siding with him, do not get me wrong, however, having at one time been where your H is now I can tell you he is probably still functioning on 1 maybe 2 cylinders out of 8. He has a brain that is still mush and thick fog to work through. He doesn't know if he is coming or going, and the 'familiar' of the job he may be doing robotically.

Now is the time more than ever when you will have to work hard on you. You will not see 'dramatic' changes in your H. The changes come slowly (if he continues to use the tools he got in rehab) and hopefully gets a sponsor and continues with meetings. If he is really serious about his recovery, you may end up seeing less of him for the first 6 months than you ever imagined was possible.

Go slow, do a lot of deep breathing and watch the actions. That will tell you more than what he says or doesn't say.

Unfortunately, many of us early in sobriety (and yes I was one) try and fix everything we ignored for so long, (but its usually the physical stuff as we are in no condtion to deal with our relationships). It takes time in recovery for the person recovering to understand also that to go slow is to learn more.

Plese feel free to PM anytime you have a question. I remember my own early recovery very well and have worked with many sponsees over the years so am extremely familiar with the good and the bad that happens.

Keep posting, as we all know SR is a great pace to vent.

Love and hugs,

ASpouse

I have to agree with Laurie on this one, Minx also. Being as I have lived with a recovering A for 3 years, the beginning was hell for me. He seemed so selfish and self-centered and I was nothing! He never apologized, never confided in him how horrid he knew he was ....... nothing! I had to live with that and I had to learn not to take his behavior personally. That was hard as I had nothing to compare it to and for all of our years, I did take his behavior personally.

Now I could have resided in that state of mind, but I knew I was going to have to let him be and he would eventually find his way back to me and to us.

Another point was "now that he was sober, did I really like him?" That was tough. I think many people fall in love with alcoholics at first because they are funny, caring etc. The real person under the booze has not shown itself yet.

I think you are wrong prodigal to expect things to be better right off the bat and you don't trust his recovery so you are expecting what always was after 72 hours.

Take it easy with yourself and with him. This process takes a lot of time, but you will do it, I know you will.

LaTeeDa

Well, I'm still not cohabitating with my husband and he has nearly 10 months sober. I do not envy you being there and trying to get along when both of you are still hurting from the past.

Yes, both of you. It was very hard for me to understand my husband's resentments toward me. I mean, he was the one drinking and being a jerk all those years. How could he possibly be angry at me! I was the one doing all the chores, paying all the bills, taking care of the children. In fact, he ought to be grateful that I'm even still around after all he put me through! Damn ungrateful, selfish jerk!

I don't know if this is anywhere near your situation, but for me, I had to really accept that I was an equal partner in the destruction of the marriage. All those resentments I had built up toward him--he had just as many or more toward me. Ouch. I had to stop expecting him to "make it right" or "make it up to me." Just like I had no control over his drinking, I have no control over his feelings toward me. All I can do is clean up my side of the street, and try to become the kind of person I would like to be with. It is amazing what happens when you stop expecting love and kindness from the other and instead start giving love and kindness to them. (I know it's hard, but if you think about it, it's really all you can do.)

The other thing that my counselor talked to me about is "sabotaging behavior." If I continued to behave in the same ways that I did when he was drinking, there was a greater likelihood that he would also revert back to his old behavior patterns. Not that I could cause him to drink, just that I could make it more difficult for him to remain sober.

Like the others, I'm not taking his side, but as Sunshine003 reminded me the other day--How proud you must be of him!

Do you go to counseling? I have to say that my therapist has not only saved my life, but possibly my marriage as well. I had to forgive all those things I was PO'd about. (Not forget, mind you, forgive.)

Keep the focus on you, and let him focus on what he needs to.

L

LaTeeDa

BTW, no need to be baffled about your actions. Old habits are tough to unlearn and I know I have as much to work on as my recovering husband. It's natural to want things to be all better. You will both get there, one day at a time.

L

MsPINKAcres

"Character Defects don't go away just because someone's not drinking or using."

That is still one of the hardest things for me to remember in sobriety. My AH & I were apart for the first 6 months of his sobriety, dating thru the next 6 and finally moved back in together after 15 months. The first 3 months we lived together (16,17 & 18 months of sobriety) was horrible.

We loved each other, but it was learning to live with the different people we had become since recovery. It was tough, learning to communicate different, live different, fight different, and sometimes it is still tough.

But that's ok - we had to learn to take it like the program - One Day At a Time - Today, I choose to be married and in this relationship -either one of us is free to decide to walk away if we want to but for today I decide to do my best to keep this relationship healthy, happy, joyous and free.

Do you want to be in a relationship with your AH? Give it a try - what have you go to lose? Remember if nothing changes - nothing changes - And you always have the freedom to walk away if it becomes to much -

Rita

prodigal

Thanks to all of you for your input. It made me pick up a book I bought some years ago called Compelled to Control by J. Keith Miller. He tries to control me, I try to control him, but neither of us can see our own controlling behaviors - we're too busy looking at what the other guy is doing.

Yeah, I definitely see what I'm doing wrong. I have this mistaken expectation that some blinding flash of light is going to hit him and he's going to suddenly start admitting wrongs, making amends, etc. On the other hand, I'm guilty of not doing that myself. Time to cut out the nonsense and work on me and get off his back.

It's time for me to just give him his space and respect his need to be alone for now. Jeesh - and here I thought I was the one doing everything right! - talk about arrogance!

denny57

That makes me think of when I'm at Al-Anon meetings and Understanding Ourselves is read. When they get to the part where it says "there are even those of us who are arrogant, smug, . . . " All the heads start nodding - yep, that was me!

LaTeeDa

Me too, Prodigal, me too.

Cynay

Me three.....

But there is a flip side to it as well which was brought up.

I think one of the first posts I had here was I liked him better when he drank... and to be honest I did. Once he got sober I did not like the person he really was. SO ... like any good codi I started to work on "fixing" him, Of course that went over about as well as a fart in church and he ended up cheating and we ended up breaking up. I cant tell you the anger and resentment I had... So 3 months later when we started talking again (looking back now) I started to punish him. I was not a nice person at all, he had 6 months then and I would do things like go to a birthday party for a friend and tell him if he wanted to see me he would just have to join "my life" so he ended up coming to the tavern the party was at ... and again I realized .... I just did not like who he was. Dont ask me why I still wanted to try to work on it....

After a Month or so of that I ended up ending it and changed my number and we have not had contact since. In the beginning I really felt guilty about not liking who he was mostly cuz I felt guilty and confused... but as time and recovery went on I realize ...

We are different people when you take his drinking out of the relationship... and when that happened I did not like what was left and Im sure he did not like the crazy lady I had become. There was just nothing left..

Not saying that is your situation, just a thought is all