Fireside

For the first time this morning he said the words, "I'm an alcoholic". Many of you may remember a month ago he said he was done drinking when I gave him an ultimatum...shape up or ship out. I told him he had until the end of the summer to show me is was serious about turning this around.

Of course he thought he could do it himself. But as many of you reminded me, without a recovery program then he wasn't a recovering alcoholic, he was just an alcoholic who wasn't drinking. So last night he passed the bar and everyone was celebrating some coworker's departure. He was sucked in and stayed there for 6 or 7 hours.

So he wakes up this morning feeling awful...sick and disappointed with himself. He said, "I guess I am an alcoholic".

This is where I need the advice of the more experienced....his next question was, "Can you help me?" followed by "What do I need to do?".

See my first response probably would have been a "yipee yes" followed by a long list of people, places and resources to put him in touch with. But I heard all of you in the back of my mind, the collective voice of SR, shouting....don't do it!

So what do I say to him? Do I just pretend that the conversation never occurred? Do I even tell him that this is HIS battle, not mine? I walk the thin line of putting this out of my mind entirely (avoidance) and reacting in a healthy way. What is healthy?

Thanks in advance!

LaTeeDa

If it were me, I would do both of those things. Then step back and see what happens. But, that's just me.

L

denny57

It's a tough one. He must know he can open the phone book and get the number for AA. Or go in and talk to his doctor. So as I type this I think, if it were me, I'd offer my support but wouldn't do any of the work. If there is a conversation to be had, maybe a response would be "what do you want to do?" I look forward to reading other responses.

Cynay

Hey... a yipee is in order I think, that is supose to be the hardest part is admitting he is an Alcoholic.

I dont see the harm in giving him the information or your support.... the harm comes from forcing a solution or doing the work for him. If he wants to get help for himself he needs to call rehab/AA/Doctor or whoever ...

Once you gave him the information though I would not bring it up again... You have to remember this is HIS issue and you dont own it.

Minx1969

Well..my exabf said he had a drinking problem too and wanted my help and support..

I told him he could go to a therapist, AA, etc..whatever he needed to do..I told him to talk to one of his friends that had been sober for a few years.

A few days later, his problem went away. (he didn't have a drinking problem AGAIN)

As far as I know he's still drinking...

I wouldn't get too excited yet..

If he wants to get help - he knows where to go.

Hands off..let him figure it out.

Can't remember - do you go to Alanon?

That's one thing you can do for you (and for him)..If you are leaving his recovery to him and your recovery to you - you can both get healthy.

jackson123

I gave the support again, again and again. Set boundaries.

laurie6781

Well Fireside, it's a start. At least he finaly said the words that he is an alcoholic. As to his asking " "Can you help me?" followed by "What do I need to do?". I would simply say, it's your problem, why not start with the phone book and get AA's phone number, and go see your Doctor.

That's all you need to do really. Oh, and then sit back and watch his "Actions", and don't listen to the wods coming out of his mouth.

Keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care.

JMHO

Love and (((((to all))))),

Pick-a-name

My AH has never gotten to that point, however my sister did.

The first time, we looked around for her (she was in w/d and bad shape). She relapsed and she decided she needed help. The next time I gave her a few phone numbers and told her to call them and/or her doctor.

I also told her when the open AA meeting was and that I had gone to it several times and if she ever wanted to go to it with me to call. (She later did! She has been sober a little over a year...even talked to my H once and encouraged him to give it a try!)

robina

I would give him the information as a courtesy. Once you have given him the information, at least you know that you have done your part. (Giving him the information will help you to feel better, but the danger is the unspoken message that you are willing to own his problem...)

I think a lot of co-dependent family members (us!!) think we should "help" the alcoholic with their recovery. I learned the hard way that I was doing a lot more work on my daughter's recovery than she was. That's when I started setting better boundaries. I informed her that I would no longer take her to AA meetings, therapist appointments, etc...

And guess what? She is somehow able to manage these tasks all on her own now, even though she continues to drink...

The moral of the story is that the more you do for them, the less the alcoholic is inclined to do for themselves.

God bless!

Zoey

I do believe it would be good to attend his first meeting with him, if he calls AA. Be sure it is an open meeting. Better if his sober friend would go with him. Hope he keeps the want to. I agree with whoever said, "Ask what he wants, or where he wants to start?" It seems to be best to not say, "You SHOULD" " "You better", Just my thoughts.

dollydo

Sorry to say, you cannot solve his problem for him. He is an adult, he knows how to use the phone book, if he serious he will let his fingers do the walking, not his mouth do the talking.

Words are just that, words, actions speak for themselves.

Take care of you,

Dolly