i'm new
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: kansas city mo
Posts: 15
i'm new
Hi I'm new..and a bit nervous. I basically got clean so I wouldn't get in trouble. I don't know if I would say I was a drug addict or an alcoholic, but I had a problem with it. It just didn't get very far.
I would take pills..whatever I could get, but lately it was xanax. I took about 30-60 mg a day. I got pills legally through my doctor and illegally too. I did this for about 6 months. I'd also drink every day and smoke pot every day. I did all of this until I passed out.
About 2 years ago I had a problem with Ritalin. I'd take 6-10 pills at a time a few times a day. And also did all of the above..but not so much xanax.
Right before I got caught I was starting to take coke too. It wasn't a problem though.
Part of me wants to change and be happy. I've had 20 days without anything. I slipped up once and before that it would have been 37 days clean. I'm constantly thinking about getting wasted though.
Almost all of my friends do something. My fiance is addicted to codeine/opium, but it's mostly for pain. I don't know how to get rid of my friends b/c it hurts them and they take it personally.
Even though I'm not taking drugs or alcohol I find myself going back to my eating disorder habits...that I had for 10 years. When I got more into getting wasted it went away mostly. I don't feel happier..in fact I hate myself more. I just want to die part of the time. I wouldn't kill myself though..
I feel stuck. I don't know how to help myself or what steps to take. I get panick attacks sometimes b/c I really want to get wasted. I'd rather feel the withdrawal still.
I have to go for an evaluation for the court. I'm not sure what for..but he is basically there to see if I'm a drug addict/alcoholic. I'm thousands of dollars in debt b/c of being caught and in the month I was caught I just about cleaned out my bank account buying stuff. So I ended up selling part of it to get some money to pay rent when I stopped. Not smart I know..
I just feel like a broken plate that needs to be glued back together. I know if I go back to my old ways I'm just going to get worse than before. Using stronger stuff to try to numb me.. I was about to get heroin before. I'm a bit leary about that though b/c around me there's been some bad heroin that has killed a few people. Yet, I still want to...what the hell's wrong with me??
Sorry to go on and on.. I just have so many thoughts racing in my head.
bluebird
I would take pills..whatever I could get, but lately it was xanax. I took about 30-60 mg a day. I got pills legally through my doctor and illegally too. I did this for about 6 months. I'd also drink every day and smoke pot every day. I did all of this until I passed out.
About 2 years ago I had a problem with Ritalin. I'd take 6-10 pills at a time a few times a day. And also did all of the above..but not so much xanax.
Right before I got caught I was starting to take coke too. It wasn't a problem though.
Part of me wants to change and be happy. I've had 20 days without anything. I slipped up once and before that it would have been 37 days clean. I'm constantly thinking about getting wasted though.
Almost all of my friends do something. My fiance is addicted to codeine/opium, but it's mostly for pain. I don't know how to get rid of my friends b/c it hurts them and they take it personally.
Even though I'm not taking drugs or alcohol I find myself going back to my eating disorder habits...that I had for 10 years. When I got more into getting wasted it went away mostly. I don't feel happier..in fact I hate myself more. I just want to die part of the time. I wouldn't kill myself though..
I feel stuck. I don't know how to help myself or what steps to take. I get panick attacks sometimes b/c I really want to get wasted. I'd rather feel the withdrawal still.
I have to go for an evaluation for the court. I'm not sure what for..but he is basically there to see if I'm a drug addict/alcoholic. I'm thousands of dollars in debt b/c of being caught and in the month I was caught I just about cleaned out my bank account buying stuff. So I ended up selling part of it to get some money to pay rent when I stopped. Not smart I know..
I just feel like a broken plate that needs to be glued back together. I know if I go back to my old ways I'm just going to get worse than before. Using stronger stuff to try to numb me.. I was about to get heroin before. I'm a bit leary about that though b/c around me there's been some bad heroin that has killed a few people. Yet, I still want to...what the hell's wrong with me??
Sorry to go on and on.. I just have so many thoughts racing in my head.
bluebird
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
At least you are truthful and that is a good start.
Read over your own post... Was going to but was caught...but it wasn't a problem.
I know I will only....
I know if I go back to my old ways I'm just going to get worse than before.....
Yet, I still want to...what the hell's wrong with me??
Nothing is wrong with you for feeling like that. It is the drugs talking. They will pull us all in if we let them.
What to do about it?
Start going to NA meetings and gather up some support and infomation from them.
As you look over your own post, you will see that using only brings problems and empty bank accounts.
As for friends that use feeling bad... if they feel bad, it isn't because you said you can't hang with them any more...they feel bad because of the guilt they have inside that tells them.... Gee you are right and if you are right, I must be wrong...so they get upset because of their own guilt.
I tell you this but you can read it for yourself... People live happy lives without drugs or alcohol. People get clean and sober every day.
There is support and info all around that can show us how.
You will be a lot better off not taking the drugs and you won't need worry about getting caught or arested either.
Read over your own post... Was going to but was caught...but it wasn't a problem.
I know I will only....
I know if I go back to my old ways I'm just going to get worse than before.....
Yet, I still want to...what the hell's wrong with me??
Nothing is wrong with you for feeling like that. It is the drugs talking. They will pull us all in if we let them.
What to do about it?
Start going to NA meetings and gather up some support and infomation from them.
As you look over your own post, you will see that using only brings problems and empty bank accounts.
As for friends that use feeling bad... if they feel bad, it isn't because you said you can't hang with them any more...they feel bad because of the guilt they have inside that tells them.... Gee you are right and if you are right, I must be wrong...so they get upset because of their own guilt.
I tell you this but you can read it for yourself... People live happy lives without drugs or alcohol. People get clean and sober every day.
There is support and info all around that can show us how.
You will be a lot better off not taking the drugs and you won't need worry about getting caught or arested either.
bella
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: G.T
Posts: 52
Good morning bluebird and welcome to SoberRecovery. My name is Isabel and I am definitely an alcoholic/addict. When I first was introduced to the 12 step program 11 years ago, I felt the same way you are feeling now. It doesn't matter how you got here-you are here now. Being honest,open-minded,and willing is how we work the 12 steps. If you have a doubt that you are an addict, what my sponsor asked me was that if I was using drugs,alcohol,pills,etc. to change the way I felt I said yes. The 1st step says "We were powerless over alchohol -our lives become Unmanageable". In your case pills it's the same thing because it is a mood-altering substance. Then she asked me when I put these substances into my body does my life become unmanageable I said yes. According to the program I am an addict. I don't make any wise decisions when I'm under the influence. I had to change old people,places,and things NO MATTER WHAT! I'm no good for myself or anyone else if I'm not clean. Bluebird, if you don't remember anything I said Please keep coming back this program works only if you work it. May God Bless you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 224
Welcome to SR, BlueBird,
Glad you are here..I have found this site to be the best for support, and i agree with Best, go back and re-read your post..we get a lot out of our own journaling..it may help you see more than you realize..keep coming back..You are doing wonderful, and it does get better..
Glad you are here..I have found this site to be the best for support, and i agree with Best, go back and re-read your post..we get a lot out of our own journaling..it may help you see more than you realize..keep coming back..You are doing wonderful, and it does get better..
ndgrace
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: VA
Posts: 72
Bluebird,
You are experiencing the same thing we all did, "feeling" after being numb. I agree with Best, you are hearing the voice of addiction that wants us to give up, that is why for me going to AA has been SO important. It has been there and here posting that I learned more about my symptoms, AND what to do about them. I too had an eating disorder before I started drinking, and now struggle with that again, BUT I am sober and learning the tools to stay that way. Getting straight and being honest is awesome! But we also need to start the work of getting our thinking right, we have what I hear called "stinking thinking". This is not happening over night for me, but it took many years to get this way, so I guess I need to be patient and listen to others that have been successful in this program! Keep reading the posts and anything you can on addiction, it really helps when you realize you are not alone, You can do it!
Karen
You are experiencing the same thing we all did, "feeling" after being numb. I agree with Best, you are hearing the voice of addiction that wants us to give up, that is why for me going to AA has been SO important. It has been there and here posting that I learned more about my symptoms, AND what to do about them. I too had an eating disorder before I started drinking, and now struggle with that again, BUT I am sober and learning the tools to stay that way. Getting straight and being honest is awesome! But we also need to start the work of getting our thinking right, we have what I hear called "stinking thinking". This is not happening over night for me, but it took many years to get this way, so I guess I need to be patient and listen to others that have been successful in this program! Keep reading the posts and anything you can on addiction, it really helps when you realize you are not alone, You can do it!
Karen
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Blueburd,
Welcome and good work staying clean for 20 days!
I think what you're experiencing is that you've stopped using drugs, but that's it. Yes, that's a huge step, but it's only the beginning. As addicts we generally use drugs to mask our feelings, to numb ourselves. You need to learn how to live life as it comes along, without the drugs.
There's lots of information and support here at SR, so keep posting.
Welcome and good work staying clean for 20 days!
I think what you're experiencing is that you've stopped using drugs, but that's it. Yes, that's a huge step, but it's only the beginning. As addicts we generally use drugs to mask our feelings, to numb ourselves. You need to learn how to live life as it comes along, without the drugs.
There's lots of information and support here at SR, so keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Somwhere over the rainbow
Posts: 1,175
Broken Plate, you may want to review posts by livewire... very stricking similarities to the experiences I've seen shared by livewire in some respects... maybe even personal message livewire.
You are doing the right thing in coming here if you want sobriety... although from your post, I am not clear that that is what you want. Perhaps that is where you need to begin your journey here... deciding if you really want sobriety... if you don't want it you will likely relapse and become quite frustrated.
In any event, welcome and good luck.
Peace, Levi
You are doing the right thing in coming here if you want sobriety... although from your post, I am not clear that that is what you want. Perhaps that is where you need to begin your journey here... deciding if you really want sobriety... if you don't want it you will likely relapse and become quite frustrated.
In any event, welcome and good luck.
Peace, Levi
Living and Loving.
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Saratoga, California
Posts: 475
Welcome bluebird to SR!
Keep posting and keep questioning your addictions and thinking about how you want to live your life. You can make a change for the better... it's all up to you.
Suga
Keep posting and keep questioning your addictions and thinking about how you want to live your life. You can make a change for the better... it's all up to you.
Suga
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 491
Welcome to SR! You are doing a good job so far, keep it up! Look, from what I have read & experienced, putting yourslef in positions of being around the stuff is only asking for trouble. I know that you love your fiance' and your friends but if they get mad at you for standing up for yourself then they are not very good friends! If you want to & need to change your life then they should be happy for you and if they are not then it is their own addiction talking, wanting you to live like they are living! That is not fair to you! Distance/Separate yourself from the situation even it that means making some of them mad. If they truely care about you then they will understand and be happy for you and encourage you!
GP
GP
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: kansas city mo
Posts: 15
Thanks for your replies you guys. 
Today is a better day. Things still aren't great..but they've gotten a lot better.
I was talking to one of my friends/co-workers and she said I seem to have changed lately. That the past few months I had gotten really different.
I think back to when I first stopped. I gave someone all of my pipes/weed and the rest of my stuff. I was too paranoid to just throw it out..and he doesn't do anything besides smoke weed. I was so paranoid I thought cops were hiding in the bushes and that they planted a bug in my apartment. I couldn't sleep or even sit still. Along with the withdrawals and excessive shaking.
I was on the edge of killing myself and completely not myself. It's weird to think that it wasn't that long ago...2-3 weeks ago. I've gotten a lot better since then. I still feel weird physically..but I don't know what that's from.
I remember thinking when I was locked up in jail that I wish things could just be simple again. Even if I am depressed...not to have to worry about getting in trouble with the law and everything else.
I could never be in jail for a long time. And I know if I continue on the path I'm on it could happen. I never thought I'd get caught.. The one kid who hung out with all my friends died on dirty heroin..and nobody ever thought he'd die.
I don't know if tomorrow will be as easy as today. This is how I feel right now..but maybe I can feel like this more often.
Thanks for your replies.
bluebird
Today is a better day. Things still aren't great..but they've gotten a lot better. I was talking to one of my friends/co-workers and she said I seem to have changed lately. That the past few months I had gotten really different.
I think back to when I first stopped. I gave someone all of my pipes/weed and the rest of my stuff. I was too paranoid to just throw it out..and he doesn't do anything besides smoke weed. I was so paranoid I thought cops were hiding in the bushes and that they planted a bug in my apartment. I couldn't sleep or even sit still. Along with the withdrawals and excessive shaking.
I was on the edge of killing myself and completely not myself. It's weird to think that it wasn't that long ago...2-3 weeks ago. I've gotten a lot better since then. I still feel weird physically..but I don't know what that's from.
I remember thinking when I was locked up in jail that I wish things could just be simple again. Even if I am depressed...not to have to worry about getting in trouble with the law and everything else.
I could never be in jail for a long time. And I know if I continue on the path I'm on it could happen. I never thought I'd get caught.. The one kid who hung out with all my friends died on dirty heroin..and nobody ever thought he'd die.
I don't know if tomorrow will be as easy as today. This is how I feel right now..but maybe I can feel like this more often.
Thanks for your replies.
bluebird
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
I still feel weird physically..but I don't know what that's from.
You have a good way of looking at things.... Today you feel ok
I don't know if tomorrow will be as easy as today. This is how I feel right now..but maybe I can feel like this more often.
One day at a time isn't just a fancy slogan. We take one day at a time and we can only live one day at a time.
Today has been a good day. Any day clean and sober is a good day.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Life Is Short
Posts: 2,017
Hi and welcome to SR Bluebird.
Congrats on your sober days and chosing sobriety.
Wishing you all the best in your journey to recovery, you've found a good place with tons of knowledge, plus the best gang around.
Congrats on your sober days and chosing sobriety.
Wishing you all the best in your journey to recovery, you've found a good place with tons of knowledge, plus the best gang around.
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