bella1

Hello everyone. I haven't written in forever. And normally I post on the Family of addicts threads...My brother is the addict in my life. DOC is heroin and anything in the opiate family. Don't see much of him because I just think it is better when I don't. Anyhow, I have a question or two. I saw him for the first time in many months two weeks ago and was floored at how thin he was again. Well, last night I saw him again. This time for a longer period of time. On his arms he has "faint" but apparent bruising. And one vein on his upper arm was bulging out. Most of his veins if not all are collapsed from years of his addiction. Obviously, from injecting. He was with me from 3 until 11pm. Nothing too unusual while he was with me. Pupils were not constricted. My question is this...how long do those bruises from injecting the crap stay on the arm? He has scars on his hands from prior usage and next to that one had a long cut that was pretty red. But his arm really bothered me. I wish I could say...I am not dumb and know what that is but maybe he is trying to get off the crap and they are "leftovers." Lets put it this way, I am not naive..he can't possibly be that thin just from walking everywhere. He ate a ton while he was here...antsy at the dinner table...said he craved sweets all the time..who knows. Anyhow, thanks for taking the time to read and answer my question.

aloneagainor

Hi Bella,
Curious, you were with your brother for seven hours, did you ask him your questions directly? Or did you avoid the issue that whole time. I understand you wouldn't want to upset him, though his addiction sounds very serious and addicts don't often recognize the serious nature of their situation especially while in active use, perceptions all distorted as they will be. I don't inject so I can't give you an answer to your specific questions, however I can say that those people who CARE enough to ask me the hard questions about my use (even though I might lie to them with my answer, their inquiries force me to THINK about what I'm doing) have been life-savers. And, when I've rapidly lost weight it's always because I'm in active addiction again. Those who know me and care about me recognize this and know to wake me up by asking me. Thank God for those who care. Knowing they care encourages me to care, for me AND for them.

bella1

aloneagainor...Thank you for your reply. Is it avoidance...certainly not. For 20 years my brother has been the addict in my family. WIth a family of my own and he over our house, the last thing I was going to do is create a scene with my children here. So avoidance...NO. I know what he is up to - it doesn't take a rocket scientist. My brother knows full well the seriousness of his addiction. He has been in and out of rehab, detox etc. etc. Prison, jail...hospitals...the list can go on.

You write: I can say that those people who CARE enough to ask me the hard questions about my use (even though I might lie to them with my answer, their inquiries force me to THINK about what I'm doing) have been life-savers.
YOu also wrote:
[QUOTE]Those who know me and care about me recognize this and know to wake me up by asking me. Thank God for those who care. Knowing they care encourages me to care, for me AND for them.[QUOTE]

Let me say this to you...I have been there for him many times hour after hour, rehab after rahab. He has had my ear for more than a decade and he has heard how I feel or what I believe is going on. There comes a point in time in the family members life to "let go and detach". All my questions etc, are not going to make him stop. He has got to want to get clean for himself.
So care, quite the contrary.
I guess my question was more of would hate to say something when maybe those bruises are left over and he is trying to get clean.
Anyhow, I do thank you for replying.

aloneagainor

I guess I don't understand. Seems the best way to get the answer to your question would've been to directly ask him. If he's staying clean he could respond "they're old scars" and if he's using he might deny or admit. I don't see the harm in asking. Are you afraid your asking might provoke him to use? Is that why you avoided, er, didn't ask, the obvious question?

bella1

I am not afraid my asking would provoke him to use. That is his CHOICE to use or not use. One can never make anyone do something. Why ask a question when you know they probably will not be telling the truth? I gues in someways I answered my own question by your response...Why bother? It is his life and his choice. He is an adult - 39 yrs. old - and when he "chooses" to be completely sober...I will know...b/c the "addict" behaviors won't be there.

aloneagainor

I hear so much hurt in your posts, Bella. Addicts, especially when actively using, can be so difficult to love, since they're not capable of loving others, much less themselves. Why bother asking, even while knowing his answer might be a lie? As I said, just to remind him that you care, that you wish him well, and to keep him THINKING about choosing to live rather than dwell in the horrors of selfish, loveless, hopeless addiction. By asking how he is doing you're keep the door open for him to know he can respond, that's all you can do, if you so choose. I wish you and your brother well.

bella1

I do ask "how he is doing" but I wouldn't ask about his bruises on his arms. I think that is where I was confused by your responses. I always ask how he is doing...but I always get "fine" "great" etc. He has only "one" time in his 20 years called asking for "HELP". He would much prefer doing things "his" way knowing that "his" way doesn';t work. As his sponsor once said months ago, until he realizes that "his program" (my brothers) doesn't work then maybe he will get it. But until then - he wants to make his own rules. But back to do I ask how he is...of course. Thank you for clarifying even if you didn't think you were.

aloneagainor

Hi Bella,
Again, thanks for continuing with this. We're speaking from opposite sides of the fence here, and I think there's value in seeing this from the other's side. Very much like your brother, when anyone asks me how I'm doing, the answer is ALWAYS fine, great...and quickly change the subject. I've never called anyone and asked for help. I might tell someone AFTER I've used (doing it MY way), but always follow it up with, "but I'm OK now", even when I'm not. That said, I DO take notice when people ask. I AM grateful to know that others care. It does impact my thinking, sometimes knocking some sense into me, when they notice I'm not doing well, because surely I'm not noticing it, I'm too consumed/ obsessed with my use. But say no-one stopped to ask, no-one bothered to notice, no-one thought to say that something looks wrong in me. No WAY would I see it in myself without outside perspective. An active addict is so self-consumed in and by their drugs, they can't see they're on a collision course with death. We NEED external input, because we can't well see clearly through the self-induced distorting haze. The few who do know me well and know I use will occasionally inquire into how I'm doing, and I'm never offended by their caring. They're not being pushy or nosy, just asking, they know I'm an addict, they're expressing that they care, and they hope I do too. It seems you know your brother well enough to ask the hard questions. Maybe he needs someone to ask him again now.

bella1

You really believe you or any addict can't see when or if they are on a collision course with death? My brother is no dumby - even though he still lies, manipulates etc. He is good at what he does - it just is more obvious now). I love him more than anything in the world...(next to my own children and husband and he knows I care and am here from him. But until he starts going to meetings and does what he needs to do and me do what I need to do, it sorta seems like I can't do or say anything to him until HE WANTS IT.
I agree we are on different sides of the fence and I agree that there is value, but that being said, there is only so much I can do and only so much HE wants to do. I may want his recovery more than he. There comes a point when all the wishing and wanting and caring goes right through and finally all of that gets exhausting and he or any other addict has got to do it because they themselves are sick and tired of being sick and tired.

aloneagainor

Yes. Or, see it and don't care, that happens too.

We're only "good at it" for so long. Eventually it comes to an end, one way or another. You're absolutely right, HE has to want it. Until then he won't get it.

That may be true.

I don't know Bella, you know your brother, and how much you can tolerate. I've been amazed how people continue caring about me sometimes. I push them all away, deceive, and avoid, but they still remind me they care. It keeps me on track more often than not, far more than I would be if/ when I think I'm alone.