* hope *

This is the first thread I have written, just joined the site today! Never thought of searching the net for answers before. I have heard so many "i understand(s)" off people who just cant relate to meto last me a life time!......................

I do not want sympathy, but I have never spoke about my alcoholic to anyone! in 12 years, I just thought id tell my story in brief here to stop my head from exploding!....

Im 20 years old and my alcoholic was supposed to care for me all my life(she did for eight) now i'm doing the rest!....because of course my mum hasn't got a problem!....so she says, shes been drunk EVERY day for the last 18 months atleast(the brief dry spell being re-hab) which she managed to get kicked out of for the 4th time!.........she had even managed to sneak the lethal white water(Vodka) in there too....

The longest time in 12years being dry, i think was about 4months....the best 4 months of my life

Through a life of watching the most stunning, caring, kind, generous and loving person in the world, deteriorate into the bottom of an empty vodka bottle(1ltr) sometimes two a day!....I am stuggling to keep sane!

I don't know what more I can do!.........

I used to be so happy and outgoing, but working 10hour days to try and replace some of the £ HUNDREDS spent a week feeding an addiction, then playing "mum" in the house work etc etc...... and on top of that having everyones problems pushed on me(apparently i'm good to talk to to!) Im that wrapped up in trying to exsist i'm forgetting how to live!

This is effecting my relationship with everyone,(especially with my wonderful boyfriend-bless him) ive just turned to snapping at everyone, and ive just realised.....i don't know if its my way of coping or depression......I feel so sorry for my mum that when she appologises for hospitalizing me(happen a few times in the past...I forgive her...EVERYTIME!..asi know its not her!...Ive gone beyond trying the soft approach and im just angry that I can not do anything to get my mum back!!.....i miss her so much even though she is never usually more than 10ft away!......

I cant talk to people face to face about my problems, believe i hate to burden people with my problems!.....not that you could tell the way ive rambled on!......

I was just wondering if anyone had any sugesstions, I feel at an all time low and just want to call it quits and walk away!..........

Thanks for listening..x

denny57

[QUOTE]I cant talk to people face to face about my problems, believe i hate to burden people with my problems!.....not that you could tell the way ive rambled on!....../[QUOTE]

Hi again, hope

Glad you started a new thread.

I was just like you - I NEVER talked to anyone about what I was going through. I thought I could (and should) handle it all on my own. Things got so bad and after several people, including our doctor, suggested Al-Anon to me, I went. It was a huge relief to be in a room where I felt less crazy, less angry and very accepted and understood. For those reasons, I always suggest it.

You've taken a great first step in coming here to talk about your concerns. I hope you find, like I did, that the more you open up about it, the more help you can receive.

You're very young and have been through so much. I'm glad you have a wonderful boyfriend who is there for you. Others will be along with some great insight. Glad you're here and keep coming back!

Pick-a-name

* hope *

Hi....I am so glad you are here! My story sounds very,very similar to yours (and Denny's). The alcoholic in my life that got me to this board is my exAH (ex-alcoholic husband...he just divorced my after 27yr so he could keep drinking,etc). I have learned so much from all the kind people here.

One of the most important things I learned are the "3 C's"...I/you did not cause this, you can not control addiction and you can not cure it...BUT....and here is the great part: you CAN learn new ways of thinking and behaving that will improve your own life and as a bonus, may even help your loved one decide to get help for themself!

I balked a long time at the notion I couldn't do anything about the drinking and crazy behavior. It IS maddening......but I was the one who was going crazy! AH was out having what he thinks is a dandy time! What is wrong with THAT picture?!!!

Post, read, learn about addiction (that helped me so much!), Alanon, open AA meetings......a few of the things that have really helped me get the focus off him and on to me...someone I CAN change!

"Under the Influence" and the "Getting Them Sober" books by Toby Rice Drews are two great books to start with, if you haven't read them (or even if you have! I regularly re-read them) GTS has a website where you can read portions of the books free online.

Stick around.....we all DO know how you feel! We have/are living it,too! Help is on it's way; we help each other everytime we post.

Looking forward to getting to know you.

Cynay

Welcome to SR we are glad you found us!

Cant offer much more then what is above but wanted to welcome you and let you know that your problems are in NO WAY a burden for us.

This is why we are here and Alcoholism is what binds all of us ... so keep posting and getting this out of you!

I look forward to getting to know you as well

Zoey

hope, I too want to welcome you here to sober recovery. This is the greatest site ever, as you can tell from your first 3 replys.

They told you about the 3c's, very important to know we canot cure or controll an A. Sounds strange, but true. Good Book suggested I hope you obtain and read, open AA meetings are helpful, Al-Anon is great, sometimes we need to try 2 or 3 meetings, till we find where we fit best.

Read stickies at the top of 1st page.

Keep comeing back, and take what you can use and leave the rest.

Do come here and vent, ask questions etc. before you see your boyfriend,
then perhaps you will be less angry and you both can have more fun.

PaperDolls

Hi Hope. I don't have much to add either. I'm glad you are here. My mother is an alcoholic (as well as my dad and myself). I went through hell with my mother and I was sure she would die. She has now been sober for a little over 4 years and thinks are so much better. I completely understand when you say you miss her. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I just want you to know I really understand how you're feeling and I'll be here for you. I'll send some good thoughts your way.

~doll

* hope *

Thank you so much to the people who have replied so far, its just a really difficult time at the mintue......another hellist night lastnight! i feel helpless! so if i do not reply over the weekend its because "looking after mother duty" calls...Im working at the minute! my escape if you like!? I cant really escape here anyway, i get phone call afterphone call put through to my dek form my mum.....i bet people think she is so strange ringing atleast 4 times a day! not ringing about anything more about nothing! atleast i know she is alive when she rings ive nearly lost her 7times now.....each memory as vivid as the last....

so all your support and understanding...relating to what i am going through really helps alot! I will be back on this site.....again and agai nand maybe i will manage to get a few skeletons out the closet(if you know what i mean?)....

Thanks & Take Care

That little bit of * hope *

Pick-a-name

hope.........we'll be here when you can make it back.

I hope today is a better day, and your weekend is a quiet one!

gypsyrose

Just wanted to add my welcome. I can't add much right now, except I can relate to how lonely it can be to share a home with an alcoholic.

* hope *

Thanks to pick and gypsyrose means alot....
ill just try to hide! Lol..............worth a try!...

try and pop in over the weekend if i can....

* hope *

well not much to report.....was the weekend i expected and the aniversary of my aunty(mums sisters) death so that didnt go too well with the vodka. i really appreciate all the replies keeping me going latetly x

Pick-a-name

(((*hope*)))

* hope *

pick-a-name

PaperDolls

How's it going hope? I just wondered if you took/used any of Pick's advice here? It's some good stuff. I'll admit, I just muddled my way through it with my mother, it sure would have helped if I had used some of these tools while going through it.

~doll

* hope *

Hi Doll,

Yeas i did thanks, i though they were many words of wisdom too.
private messaged for the webs site for the books,
i will get round to having a look and let you all know how i got on ;-)

PaperDolls

Sounds good hope!

mfisher

Welcome Hope,
I am the mother of 3 children age 23, 21 and 19. My soon to be ex is an alcoholic. My children too felt and went through what you are going through. They are slowly learning to detach themselves and move on with their own lives.
It has been very difficult for my daughter who is 23 to realize she has lost her father. In fact just this morning she told me that she just came to the realization that she will never have a father/daughter relationship with this person. She is letting go of any expectations of him, to keep herself safe from the pain he has caused her. She knows she can't help him.
You need to go on with your life and separate the responsibility you feel for her.
She is your mother and you will always love her but she cannot be allowed to take you down with her.
Spending time with her needs to be your choice, not a duty.
I know this is very hard, as I have seed the pain my children have gone through, but you have to save yourself.
You have to find a place where you can go and have peace and be a young person. Don't make taking care of an alcoholic your life.
You deserve the best and it sounds like you have already paid your dues.

* hope *

mfisher:

Thank you so much for your input and i agree with EVERYTHING you have said. I cant remember ever having a mother/daughter relationship but i suppose if i dont know what one is like then i cant miss it. I imagine it would have been nice but this has gone on too long now.

it really does sound like a similar situation, my dad has left and come back a couple of times the "shock tactic" he called it to make my mum realise, but she is still set in her ways and he still sticks by her. it must be hard for him too, but he just hides away on his computer all day(he gave up his job to be a "carer") although i still get the short straw! He never wants to talk about it and says he will go if it carrys on.....

my brother n the other hand is always out of the house. His escape i suppose but he never wants to discuss it either. If anything goes wrong he just rings me or my dad on our mobile phone. eg: the other week my mum fell in our back garden and split her head open(not the first time) he rang my dad to take her to the hospital because he was embarrassed....

I have a wonderful boyfriend though who i would go insane without. he is so understanding and i can be so short tempered with him (because of the situation) I think i am going to have to detach soon as i am so arfaid of losing him and thats what will happen...

Thanks again for your insight and i hope all goes well for you with you life and the path you want to choose..