Hope

My dad was mean yesterday and it really upset me so much that I couldn't focus on the test I had to study for which was today. My dad doesn't seem to care about me at all. He never really wanted a child so he has always looked at me as an inconvience to his life. He is a very selfish person so anytime I have ever asked him for help, he always finds some reason to not help me. I left class and I felt like crying but I was holding back because I had another class to go to. I forced the tears back in and I felt irritated at myself for getting so upset over things that in the long run may seem trivial.

Maybe this is just the normal cycle of emotions in early sobriety or maybe these are old feelings that are finally able to surface now that I'm sober. I'm home from class now and I couldn't hold the tears in any longer. The tears flowed and I just let them because my heart aches and I know it is ok because the tears are healing to my soul. The tears tell a story. It is all going to be ok. My heart hurts today but I know that I will get through this. In life, there are sad days too and this is a very sad day for me. Today, I can own my feelings of hurt and sadness and allow myself to feel and experience them. I will not numb these feelings. When I allow myself to feel these feelings, I allow myself to grow.

Luckyv2

Awe Cheryl here is a that is sad. One good thing about what you said was these are probably early sobriety feeling. You said that you are sober and you will not numb the feeling. Thank God that we can feel today. I am really having problems with the feeling part. It is like I am numb. It saddens me to know that I went so far down with my values and feelings. I am sending tons of good thoughts your way.

Love vic

Arura

Hi Hope, tears can be healing.I lost my children through my addiction.
n boy i cryed......for about 2yrs all the time. on buses everywere.
But even it was sooooo painful the tears had to come out.....
unless i woundnt be here today.....

Good Luck on your results.
im not close to my mum,n it feels strange at times....
can relate to that.....

Live

AWWWWW, I am so sorry. It really does hurt deeply when parents are mean to us. It would hurt even if you never drank. And don't you feel sabotaged, y'know with the tests and classes you need to perform at?

Hubby and I have a home setting empty in Florida, I wish I could just say go there, stay, be well and be free of this hurt. If you would water the flowers, we would be so grateful and you could have a fresh bouquet everyday!


See, I still need to read your journey so I understand you and your situation better. I often read but don't post because I know I am in the dark about it so don't know what to say.

During my worst times, I say to myself.....Just for today I can do (or endure) something that it would apall me to do for the rest of my life.
You won't have to deal with him and his meanness for the rest of your life.
But I wish you didn't have to deal with it today or tomorrow. You deserve better!
live

Hope

I was so upset that I couldn't remember some of the things that I studied for and it turned up on the test-- a huge portion. So not only am I trying to work through these feelings, I am probably going to be disappointed with that test grade. It is just so hard for me to stay focused when I am emotionally struggling with things.

I am trying to own my feelings and anything that my father does to hurt me and refuses to apologize for, then that is his stuff to deal with. I can't control what another person does but I have control over how I allow myself to feel over that. That still doesn't make it one bit easier but I guess that is why they say progress, not perfection.

It really hurts me so much because I would love to have a wonderful relationship with my father but I also know and have to accept that what I want is probably not going to happen. He is very mean, selfish, judgmental, and he doesn't care about the feelings of other people. He is not affectionate and is emotionally unavailable. I hope I never have to ask him for his help again. I am tired of allowing myself to get hurt. I should know how he responds to me. Maybe I don't even need that relationship with him because it is just so stressful and emotionally unhealthy.

I just don't know sometimes. He abandoned me as a child and I don't know how to get through that hurt. I guess it will take time and I will have to acknowlege and own my feelings before I take steps to move away from the pain.

GeorgiaPeach

I hate to see someone so desperate (lack of words) to have a meaningful relationship with a parent and that parent turn their backs on them. That same thing is happening to my 12 year old daughter. Her father got remarried and his wife is VERY jealous of my daughter and she hasn't seen her father in almost 2 years. She is accepting it more each day but it is still very hard on her. She cries sometimes and is angry sometimes but I allow her to express her feelings about him and she feels better most of the time. Take care and just make sure that you make those good grades, don't allow him to take that away from you when you deserve it so much! I am pulling for you!

PillPopper

I am so sorry that he hurt your feelings! People need to remember the old saying "I can forgive, but never forget" unfortunately, once it is said you can never take it back. On a positive note, you are sober

Live

Look, I know it is often said that others cannot make us feel any certain way, but I tend to disagree with that.
Abuse is devastating...emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and physically.

I have to separate and distance myself from anyone who treats me this way. And I have no remorse about it. It is merely the consequences of their actions and choices.

I have in the past distanced myself for lengthy periods of time from my parents when they were hurting me.
I just ended a friendship last week because of this. I don't think "I lost a friend" I think "He just lost a good friend"

hugs,
live

Lollipop

Hi Hope

I am so sorry your dealing with this, Chin Up sweetie!!

Done_With_It

Girl, Hang in there. I know it's hard for you right now.
I relate to the dad thing too. I choose to no longer speak to my real dad, it hurts too much, and I'm NEVER good enough for him. I won't be until the day I die. But that is okay. He made me but he does not control me, my emotions, my actions, etc. Your dad is who he is, but how he feels, what he says, etc. does not determine who and what you are.

I hate seeing you so down like this, It scares me cause this is how I've seen you shortly before you relapse. I'm not sayind you are going too, I'm just worried that you are going to let too much pile up and say screw it. Your mind may tell
you that it's okay because you are in pain, etc.

Don't let this or anything else going on bring you down. You are much stronger than whatever may be thrown your way.

Focus on the good in your life. Your a strong girl Cheryl, Your much stronger than many people I know. Look at how far you have come and what you are doing, Look at the direction your going.......

School, Life, Friends, Fun....... etc.......

Stay away from what you know drugs will bring,

5 minutes of peace and then days of misery, lonliness, etc........

or what is it they say, Jails, Instit, death.......

Dig for Life Cherly, I'm right beside you, as many of us are....

JOY1115

I am so sorry that you are feeling so sad. I went thru the same thing with some of my family members and the only thing that I can tell you is feel whatever it is that you must feel. In time the feelings of sadness will fade and you will be able to see how your struggle and pain could possibly help another recovering person. There is growth in pain. Oh how I would get angry when my sponsor would tell me that, but it is so true. Keeping you in my prayers