amymarie

My life has been spinning out of control for quite some time. It seems I have never truly given up any of those behaviors that cause me and everyone else pain. I have lied, I have cheated, and I have used. I am so tired of this. I am so tired of fighting a losing battle. I want to surrender... I want a life where I am not hiding truths and handing out lies. I am sick. I am so sick. I feel like I am the sickest of the sick.

I need help. I see all of my problems...all of my harms...they are glaring at me and I want them gone. I am going to meetings...but my motives are not in check. I am calling others...but I am always the one who is "great' or 'fine'....I am not great or fine...
I am dying. I am slowly killing myself and taking hostages with me...
I had a belly full of drugs yesterday with a head full of NA....guilt is all I know today...

For all those I have harmed I feel their pain. I know it is necessary for me to feel this way and i accept it but I dont know how to stop. It feels as though this program worked for you guys but couldn't possibly work for me.

Damn I feel so alone.

Luckyv2

Hi AmyMarie,

My name is Vic and I am an addict! Probably damn lucky to even be here alive and clean today. Nothing of my doing except my part and that is not to pick up and to find a new way of life. NA offers us that life. You and I both are never alone unless we choose to be alone. I used to think that same thing that the programed worked for others and not me. One day I was sitting at a meeting, thinking (Whoops not suppose to think) why in the F*ck are these guys staying clean and I am not. Then there was a voice in my head saying "Maybe it is because they want to stay clean and you don't!" Wow that was pretty much the answer, I had to ask myself what lengths am I willing to go to stay sober? What excuses that I would have used over am I willing to use to stay clean? Why don't I want to stay clean? When we look at us, and find out that just maybe I can do it, rather than I can not do it, we begin to do it! Make sense?

Our literature also says, I will believe in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery. Well I want to help you, I believe in you, and together we can stay clean. We never have to use again, Just For Today.....Sending good thoughts your way.

Love Vic

amymarie

Hi Vic,
You are right about the desire to stop using. I don't think I have ever truly had it...
You want to stop using, and I do to. I don't ever want to use anything again. My life is a prime example of why.
Thanks.

Luckyv2

My life is the same primary example of why! We need to turn that around and the only way that we can do that is to change. Change isn't easy, pleasant, ''normal", it is however doable. You say that you don't ever want to use again. YOU don't ever have to use again, and neither do I...

When I read that, it meant a lot to me knowing that I don't ever, never have to use again. This isn't easy to do but I also know that when we quit fighting everything and everyone (including ourselves) then we start to take baby steps, going to meetings everyday, getting and using a sponsor, living the program, working the steps, living the steps, living the principals which are the steps, etc. I know that if a junkie/crack head like me can do this deal that anyone has an opportunity for recovery. My "I'm Still ALIVE'' thread here in the NA Forum helps me to remind me that yes it has been a struggle, today I have the most clean days that I have had in a long time. The other days don't really matter (and yet they do) if I stay clean today. Today I have different obstacles to face, instead of running from them. So give yourself a break. YOU are worth it and sobriety is worth having in your life.

Love Vic

amymarie

Today is a new day.
I am going to try to find the knowledge in my mistake and move forward by learning from it. I say mistake, and what I mean is mistakeS!
I picked up a keytag last night and shared in the meeting (which is a hard thing to do I assure you all!) and today I am going to work on being a mom and being human...with some humanity!

Time4Change

Atta Girl, amymarie! I'm really proud of you and your desire to work an honest program. We're here for you, Sweetie!

Kelly

GeorgiaPeach

You are not alone, we are here for you. We have advice and experience and encouragement for you whenever you need it. I am so glad that you came here. Please keep posting and keep reading!

Luckyv2

Yep AmyMarie I am here for you also, my computer crashed yesterday so I couldn't get back on last night. I was a little worried about you. Good for you for picking up that keytag I know how hard it is to go back in and say, "I'm a newcomer!" But what I have learned here lately, that we never have to say that again. Just For Today, We NEVER have to use again. One thing also honey don't be hard on yourself. OMG if you ever heard my story, you probably wouldn't even want me to reply on you post I am one sick puppy....

Love vic

GeorgiaPeach

Don't listen to him AM, he is not sick, he was just a little confused at one time but now he is getting his life back and so can you! You can always welcome Vic's posts because he has probably "been there" and "done that" and always gives wonderful advice. Some of it may be tough love but is is good advice. He has been through a lot and is still here to tell about it nad as he says, he is "sober for today". Good words to live by!

Luckyv2

Awe now you are making me blush Thanks I try not to be too hard, and when I say that I am sick, it is in the women sense....I just hate being alone and yet I know that right now that is what I need. OK got to download some more stuff.

Love Vic

GeorgiaPeach

We are not all that others make us out to be, sometimes we can be worse than a drug! You are doing just fine without any of us in the romantic way right now. I know that there are somethings that SR can't do but other than that, unless you find a good one who will support you and be there for you, then you don;t need one.

Sorry AmyMarie for hijacking your thread. I will touch on this more on your thread tomorrow Vic.

Hope

(((AmyMarie)))

I'm thinking of you.

REZ

AmyMarie:
My heart goes out to you. I've glad you've made it back to meetings and are posting here. NA works miracles all the time. You can be one of them if you jsut give yourself to this simple program, one day at a time.
Peace,
REZ

Luckyv2

Um here I meant to say that right now that is what I don't need. I must have been or something when I had the type O....

GeorgiaPeach

How's it going today AmyMarie?

amymarie

Life is good. I have done what my sponsor asked (or SUGGESTED) and I feel very hopeful that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

Step One again, but hey...we may have just found that hole...I wasnt very honest the first time...imagine that!

Thanks for asking.

Luckyv2

I can relate to that AmyMarie, in my fourth step, my sponsor said that he had NEVER seen one done that was so thorough, then when I relapsed in February with almost a year clean, he went back through it and said that he didn't catch it the first time but I had left out almost everything in my SEX/RELATIONSHIP Part. Well, I also had to go back to step one and that is ok. We can do it....

Love Vic

GeorgiaPeach

Vic, I have responded to you about women on your thread so not to take away from AmyMarie. Glad to see you AM and glad the you are doing ok today! Hang in there, we will be here for you every step of the way!

amymarie

A very dear friend always tells me "Amy I am here to love you until you can love yourself, and so are ALLLL these people"....and I have to say that on SR I feel it so much.... (even when you hijack my post!!!) hehe

Hope

You are loved here. Always remember that. It sounds like you are recognizing where things got off track last time and that will help you tremendously. I believe in you!