Best of intentions........
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
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Best of intentions........
I have always said that I think my AH has the best of intentions - whether it be when he's trying to do something good or even just says the words. Time and time again, I have been accused of being naive and hopeful when it's not true - but here lately, I've seen those same things again.
I really have to wonder if somehow Ah was raised without having been given the knowledge on how to handle things - how to look forward - and how to really live. Perhaps he always had someone to take care of things for him (his mother and then myself) so he never got the skills that he needed. AH and I have even discussed our difference in personalities and he will point out to me how I can look ahead, make a goal and strive to reach it. He has never really looked beyond the day he was in - until recently.
Anyways..................AH did not sign the dissolution papers. Not because he disagreed with anything major. It was because a W2 was used from a previous job to figure his child support. He had not problem with the amount of child support that was set - but he didn't want to sign a paper that quoted him making an amount that he does not make. I explained why that W2 was used - and then he seemed to understand better, but it made him nervous to sign something legal that implied that W2 was current.
Since he didn't sign the dissolution papers, we had to go to a child support hearing that had been previously scheduled. We each had the right to disagree with what they came up with - and if one of us disagreed, we'd have to go to court. During our hearing - we were told that I should carry the kids insurance as mine cost less - AH disagreed. He doesn't mind carrying the insurance and his policy is better. Then we went to break while they figured out and printed our papers to sign. We came back and she went over the figures with us and when she got to the part of what amount that AH was to pay - he refused to sign it! His reason? The amount was too low!!!!!!!!!!!! (LOL, you should have seen the look on the administrators face!!!!!!!!!) So, she sent our case to court! That will be coming in 4 to 6 weeks! When we left the office, he said "You know, a lot of men really get screwed when it comes to child support" I said "Yes, some do" and Ah said, "Well, some do but I wasn't going to sign that paper SS because that would have really screwed you. Those papers are not fair towards you and the kids".
AH also told me that he'd gone to a lawyer after having gone to my attorney's office. His lawyer feels that AH is being a "very nice man" as the lawyer didn't like some of the stuff in the dissolution papers. Ah said that he had no problem with the dissolution papers, just that W2 part - as well as not understanding alot of the legal terms. So, he told me today that he's probably going to go back to his lawyer and have him contact my attorney about the insurance and the child support matter and our hearing today and that he'd probably just go sign the dissolution papers now that he understands them better.
This is one of those fine examples of when I think that AH is not a bad guy - he has the intentions of wanting to do what is best but just seems to lack the skills of how to do that.
Anyways............that's where we stand now. Just thought I'd give you an update.
I really have to wonder if somehow Ah was raised without having been given the knowledge on how to handle things - how to look forward - and how to really live. Perhaps he always had someone to take care of things for him (his mother and then myself) so he never got the skills that he needed. AH and I have even discussed our difference in personalities and he will point out to me how I can look ahead, make a goal and strive to reach it. He has never really looked beyond the day he was in - until recently.
Anyways..................AH did not sign the dissolution papers. Not because he disagreed with anything major. It was because a W2 was used from a previous job to figure his child support. He had not problem with the amount of child support that was set - but he didn't want to sign a paper that quoted him making an amount that he does not make. I explained why that W2 was used - and then he seemed to understand better, but it made him nervous to sign something legal that implied that W2 was current.
Since he didn't sign the dissolution papers, we had to go to a child support hearing that had been previously scheduled. We each had the right to disagree with what they came up with - and if one of us disagreed, we'd have to go to court. During our hearing - we were told that I should carry the kids insurance as mine cost less - AH disagreed. He doesn't mind carrying the insurance and his policy is better. Then we went to break while they figured out and printed our papers to sign. We came back and she went over the figures with us and when she got to the part of what amount that AH was to pay - he refused to sign it! His reason? The amount was too low!!!!!!!!!!!! (LOL, you should have seen the look on the administrators face!!!!!!!!!) So, she sent our case to court! That will be coming in 4 to 6 weeks! When we left the office, he said "You know, a lot of men really get screwed when it comes to child support" I said "Yes, some do" and Ah said, "Well, some do but I wasn't going to sign that paper SS because that would have really screwed you. Those papers are not fair towards you and the kids".
AH also told me that he'd gone to a lawyer after having gone to my attorney's office. His lawyer feels that AH is being a "very nice man" as the lawyer didn't like some of the stuff in the dissolution papers. Ah said that he had no problem with the dissolution papers, just that W2 part - as well as not understanding alot of the legal terms. So, he told me today that he's probably going to go back to his lawyer and have him contact my attorney about the insurance and the child support matter and our hearing today and that he'd probably just go sign the dissolution papers now that he understands them better.
This is one of those fine examples of when I think that AH is not a bad guy - he has the intentions of wanting to do what is best but just seems to lack the skills of how to do that.
Anyways............that's where we stand now. Just thought I'd give you an update.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
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It's called coping skills, or lack of which I find is quite common with alcoholics. Just because he's a nice man, doesn't mean he isn't an abusive irrational alcoholic. Most alcoholics are nice guys/gals ...... doesn't make them any easier to live with.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
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Which is kind of my point - if not taught how to deal with life, they develop their own coping skills (which in cases like us here - we know that as addiction).
And I think that this is another reminder to myself (as well as some newbies) that their can be hope for the A - when they are ready to accept they have a problem and do what it takes to find recovery (Whether that be AA, therapy, etc)
And I think that this is another reminder to myself (as well as some newbies) that their can be hope for the A - when they are ready to accept they have a problem and do what it takes to find recovery (Whether that be AA, therapy, etc)
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Well the good news is that you are both working together for the best interest of all involved... in a divorce that is amazing.
He probalby is a nice guy .... and he probably loves you and the children very much.... Just not the way you need to be loved.
Addiction Sucks.
He probalby is a nice guy .... and he probably loves you and the children very much.... Just not the way you need to be loved.
Addiction Sucks.
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
I aggree Cynay!! It is a nice change to see parents actually be mature durning a divorce. I have seen so much of the he said, she said, mentality. It is so much better for the kids when parents are civil durning a divorce. Sorry that it had to come to this!
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
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Oh SS, I'm very happy that he is being agreeable and looking to take very good financial care of you and the kids. That is a blessing b/c I'm sure these types of legal matters can turn very ugly a great deal of the time.
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