The Lies that Bind
Holding The Father's Hand
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Oregon
Posts: 96
The Lies that Bind I feel like I’m posting way too many threads, but there is a lot going on, and I don’t know who else to talk to, so here I am.
I want to start out by saying that I don’t want to divorce my husband. As my counselor has pointed out, there are no Biblical grounds for divorce, but he left me so there is nothing that says I have to take him back. He chose to go. I just can’t divorce him from a Biblical perspective.
As I think I shared, I was never given a reason why he left on March 15th. There was just a cryptic note about us not being where we should be in our marriage and my "anger issues", whatever that means. Well, today I spoke with a friend of his, and I asked him if AH told him why he was leaving. He answered by saying that he had encouraged my husband to leave me. He said that, according to my husband, I was physically abusing him on a daily basis. He was scared to go home each day. His friend told me that he would encourage anyone to leave if they were being abused, so he helped him leave on that day.
I was floored. The day in question was my spiritual birthday. It was my 11 year anniversary of my asking Jesus into my heart. I came home with a cake and plans to cook a fancy dinner. As far as I knew, our marriage was happy. My AH hadn’t had a drink in five months, or so I assumed. He wasn’t in a program and hadn’t been going to meetings, but he wasn’t drinking, so I was happy.
With this new knowledge, I’m not sure I can ever take him back. Even if he gets sober, works a program, and has a wonderfully productive recovery, I don’t know if I can let a man back into my life that has told these horrendous lies about me. It’s weird, he also told his friend that I was spending time with and ex-boyfriend and probably cheating, but that didn’t bother me as much as the abuse accusation. Maybe it’s because I was abused by my father as a child and some of those emotional scars haven’t healed. I don’t know.
I’m sorry if I’m babbling. I just need to talk it out.
I want to start out by saying that I don’t want to divorce my husband. As my counselor has pointed out, there are no Biblical grounds for divorce, but he left me so there is nothing that says I have to take him back. He chose to go. I just can’t divorce him from a Biblical perspective.
As I think I shared, I was never given a reason why he left on March 15th. There was just a cryptic note about us not being where we should be in our marriage and my "anger issues", whatever that means. Well, today I spoke with a friend of his, and I asked him if AH told him why he was leaving. He answered by saying that he had encouraged my husband to leave me. He said that, according to my husband, I was physically abusing him on a daily basis. He was scared to go home each day. His friend told me that he would encourage anyone to leave if they were being abused, so he helped him leave on that day.
I was floored. The day in question was my spiritual birthday. It was my 11 year anniversary of my asking Jesus into my heart. I came home with a cake and plans to cook a fancy dinner. As far as I knew, our marriage was happy. My AH hadn’t had a drink in five months, or so I assumed. He wasn’t in a program and hadn’t been going to meetings, but he wasn’t drinking, so I was happy.
With this new knowledge, I’m not sure I can ever take him back. Even if he gets sober, works a program, and has a wonderfully productive recovery, I don’t know if I can let a man back into my life that has told these horrendous lies about me. It’s weird, he also told his friend that I was spending time with and ex-boyfriend and probably cheating, but that didn’t bother me as much as the abuse accusation. Maybe it’s because I was abused by my father as a child and some of those emotional scars haven’t healed. I don’t know.
I’m sorry if I’m babbling. I just need to talk it out.
to you! You are with great people who will listen. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Never worry about posting .... get it out of your system, that is why we are here.
You know hon, someone that is sober for 5 months does not behave much different then when they are drinking IMO. All the things an A will say to take the focus off themselves and lack of taking responsibility does not just change when they put the bottle down.
If someone is working a 12 step program then they are taking a personal inventory and really have to look at their part.... If they are not working some type of program then Im guessing that instead of looking at their part they try to sweep it under the carpet with all the other shame they feel.
As to the biblical choice to stay married... That is very personal, but for myself I dont think God intended for us to be this unhappy....
My only suggestion is to stop asking. If he decided that he did not want to be in the marriage and has moved out stop obsessing about him and digging for information and focus more on yourself and your happiness hon.... its well worth the work.
You know hon, someone that is sober for 5 months does not behave much different then when they are drinking IMO. All the things an A will say to take the focus off themselves and lack of taking responsibility does not just change when they put the bottle down.
If someone is working a 12 step program then they are taking a personal inventory and really have to look at their part.... If they are not working some type of program then Im guessing that instead of looking at their part they try to sweep it under the carpet with all the other shame they feel.
As to the biblical choice to stay married... That is very personal, but for myself I dont think God intended for us to be this unhappy....
My only suggestion is to stop asking. If he decided that he did not want to be in the marriage and has moved out stop obsessing about him and digging for information and focus more on yourself and your happiness hon.... its well worth the work.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: novato, ca
Posts: 181
My AH can say some mean, manipulative and just plain crazy stuff to me sometimes but if I thought he was saying things like that about me to other people... I'd want to do more than divorce him. I know when he's "quacking" like that, he is just projecting all his garbage onto me... as if by making me as bad as him then his behavior would be justified. When he's in his right mind, he knows I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. Your AH is obviously not in his right mind if he's telling such extreme lies about you. I'm sorry you have that insanity in your life.
Holding The Father's Hand
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Oregon
Posts: 96
Originally Posted by Cynay
If he decided that he did not want to be in the marriage and has moved out
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Well done!
Do you want the marriage? set aside your regilous belief and ask yourself if you REALLY want the marriage. Are you hoping he does something that makes in biblically alright to end the marriage?
Do you want the marriage? set aside your regilous belief and ask yourself if you REALLY want the marriage. Are you hoping he does something that makes in biblically alright to end the marriage?
Holding The Father's Hand
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Oregon
Posts: 96
Originally Posted by Cynay
Do you want the marriage? set aside your regilous belief and ask yourself if you REALLY want the marriage. Are you hoping he does something that makes in biblically alright to end the marriage?
I have no intention of divorcing him, but I don't think I can take him back either. Right now I'm just really confused. With all that he has said about me, I don't know if I will ever want him back even if he does get into recovery. However, I have no intention of dating or getting married again so divorce doesn't have to be the answer.
**Edited to add... I can honestly say that at this very moment in time, I don't want him in my life AT ALL
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi mel, i asked my h to leave and he did, and i haven't heard from him sense, i agree with the others. just because he is sober does not mean that he has recovered. my ah told the biggest lie to his boss about me too.
i went to his job with him to pick up his last check and i could not believe all the stuff that his boss was saying to me about me abusing my ah to the point where he could not go to work. all the no shows and no calls were my fault, i found out that he didn't get enough rest because of me, my ah did not bother to tell his boss about his addiction and how he binges for days on end.
you can not take all of this stuff personal, its the drug and the fact, that all the chaos has to be somebody elses fault. the addict is never responsible.
wven when sober, there has to be a plan of recovery in place that forces the addict to look at himself. this can only happy as the addict is willing and ready to work on himself. i pray that he will come around and seek the help that he may need and in the mean time, i hope that you do the same.
i went to his job with him to pick up his last check and i could not believe all the stuff that his boss was saying to me about me abusing my ah to the point where he could not go to work. all the no shows and no calls were my fault, i found out that he didn't get enough rest because of me, my ah did not bother to tell his boss about his addiction and how he binges for days on end.
you can not take all of this stuff personal, its the drug and the fact, that all the chaos has to be somebody elses fault. the addict is never responsible.
wven when sober, there has to be a plan of recovery in place that forces the addict to look at himself. this can only happy as the addict is willing and ready to work on himself. i pray that he will come around and seek the help that he may need and in the mean time, i hope that you do the same.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
melissa
I'm sorry to hear he is saying that stuff but, as you know, it's not the truth. You know and he knows it; anyone else it just doesn't matter. My AH was also trashing me to his best friend (and anyone else who would listen) and that friend also encouraged him to leave me. It doesn't matter that I'm the one who told my AH he had to leave - it's important to him that everyone thinks he left me. All I know is I have peace in the house and don't give a fig what anyone else thinks. Mind you, I did mind at the beginning, but that has changed a great deal since I began my own recovery.
If you're not concerned right now with whether divorce is in the picture, let it be. Continue to work on your own recovery and time will reveal the right path.
Take care of yourself and keep posting away!
I'm sorry to hear he is saying that stuff but, as you know, it's not the truth. You know and he knows it; anyone else it just doesn't matter. My AH was also trashing me to his best friend (and anyone else who would listen) and that friend also encouraged him to leave me. It doesn't matter that I'm the one who told my AH he had to leave - it's important to him that everyone thinks he left me. All I know is I have peace in the house and don't give a fig what anyone else thinks. Mind you, I did mind at the beginning, but that has changed a great deal since I began my own recovery.
If you're not concerned right now with whether divorce is in the picture, let it be. Continue to work on your own recovery and time will reveal the right path.
Take care of yourself and keep posting away!
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