I made a big mistake!!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Concord NH
Posts: 158
I made a big mistake!!!!!
It's been a while since I was hear. My husband and I had seperated........He's back. He talked his way back in...very convincing, but ultimately it was my doing I know that. Now it's been 6 months and he's been drinking (cleverly he thinks) for approx 4 of those months. I can't take this anymore. Our situation is a little complicated and I'm afraid of how he'll react when I tell him I don't want to be his wife anymore. He is on parole, if he gets another violation I believe they will revoke his parole for good and make him finish his original sentence (25 to life) I don't want to have any part in him going back to prison, but at the same time I have to think of myself and my daughter. I think if I tell him I want him to leave again, he may go off the deep end. I don't knowwhat to do.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
His going off the deep end will be his own doing. He knows what's at stake and if he is senseless enough to risk it, then he'll get what he gets at his own hands.
You can't stick around thinking you are what keeps him from harming himself, you aren't that powerful. If you don't want to be his wife anymore, then do what's best for you. You can't keep yourself in that type of prision just because you fear if you don't, he'll violate his probation, that is HIS problem, not yours.
You can't stick around thinking you are what keeps him from harming himself, you aren't that powerful. If you don't want to be his wife anymore, then do what's best for you. You can't keep yourself in that type of prision just because you fear if you don't, he'll violate his probation, that is HIS problem, not yours.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Totally agree with Sunshine here.
Not to mention that if your not happy and want to end the marriage but Fear is the only thing keeping you there.... that is not a good example for your daughter.
Can I ask why he is on probation??? 25 to life is alot, what are the conditions of the probation?
Not to mention that if your not happy and want to end the marriage but Fear is the only thing keeping you there.... that is not a good example for your daughter.
Can I ask why he is on probation??? 25 to life is alot, what are the conditions of the probation?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
I made a big mistake....
Oh how I can relate as many here will also attest to.
Others have already given straight forward advice,
and you seem to know what you want.
I say go for it and let your H stand on his own 2 feet.
Take care of yourself and your daughter.
All the best to you.
Oh how I can relate as many here will also attest to.
Others have already given straight forward advice,
and you seem to know what you want.
I say go for it and let your H stand on his own 2 feet.
Take care of yourself and your daughter.
All the best to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 689
I also agree with what's been said. Your daughter really needs you now. Your husband needs himself and a good program.
You can give -- and I'm sure have so much to give -- both yourself and your daughter now.
But there is nothing you can give or do for your husband without him doing for himself -- except get out of the way and let him do it, or not.
hang in
gf
You can give -- and I'm sure have so much to give -- both yourself and your daughter now.
But there is nothing you can give or do for your husband without him doing for himself -- except get out of the way and let him do it, or not.
hang in
gf
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Sometimes that last mistake is an important one. It is the last thing you will look back on to be sure it was over. I have been thinking about a device that would make our lives much easier. I want to develop a device that will blow up if the person wearing the device takes a drink of alcohol. There would be no reason to trust them or take chances. They come back home and touch a drink, they blow themselves to smitereens. If they choose the drink again, problem eliminated. I know, I know........... your husbands probation is tremendous. Is he fooling the probation officer? Would you mind sharing the crime your husband comitted? I am also concerend that his crime could have involved being drunk. Keep yourself safe. Maybe you should chat with a lawyer or his probation officer to relay you "suspicions" and to find out how to deal with this while staying safe. If need be, I'd move or stay somewhere else, be long gone and have the papers served. If he's drinking in any predictable manner, there's no reason not to give the probation department a heads up, let them find him drinking.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
((((hugs))))
Jazz - I think your words of wisdom about dominos is called for.
In case he's not around, here's what I have posted about it:
Jazz - I think your words of wisdom about dominos is called for.
In case he's not around, here's what I have posted about it:
A long time after I split up with R, I knew I had to do something about the money he owed me. It was (and is) a significant amount (over $30k). I knew I had to go to court and put the mechanism in place to recover that money as R had reneged on every agreement we had on repayment. I was terrified that I would be the one that brought his stuff crashing in on him and saw it in terms of dominos i.e. that I would knock over the first one. Jazzman said to me in a PM something that I'll never forget - that R had already knocked over the first one and that I was simply holding the weight of one of them to stop the rest coming crashing down.
I will always treasure Jazz for lifting that domino from my back.
I will always treasure Jazz for lifting that domino from my back.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Oh yeah... lemme think....
A debate here a while back produced a good analogy about dominoes.
M was a disaster before I came into the picture. The weight of the world on her shoulders, one problem after another, stacking up like falling dominoes. I jumped in, (to the rescue) and stopped the dominoes from falling, holding up the tremendous weight of who knows how many dominoes stacked up. Finally I collapsed under the weight, had no choice but to step aside and let the domino progression continue as they were before Jazz.
It was great for me but M had to suffer the consequences of all the falling dominos herself. A progression she alone started and ultimately she alone had to deal with in the end.
A debate here a while back produced a good analogy about dominoes.
M was a disaster before I came into the picture. The weight of the world on her shoulders, one problem after another, stacking up like falling dominoes. I jumped in, (to the rescue) and stopped the dominoes from falling, holding up the tremendous weight of who knows how many dominoes stacked up. Finally I collapsed under the weight, had no choice but to step aside and let the domino progression continue as they were before Jazz.
It was great for me but M had to suffer the consequences of all the falling dominos herself. A progression she alone started and ultimately she alone had to deal with in the end.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
that's a great analogy jazz, I love it.
I believe I'd much rather you let your ah live in his prision, IF he chooses too than have you live in the one your in. Why is he more important to you than your own happiness? IF he allows himself to go to jail, at least he's somewhere, out of harms way....at least he can't harm someone or himself through using anymore. Either way, it's his choice. It isn't for you to decide if he is to stay out of jail or not. It's up to him to follow his conditions that were set before him regarding whatever in the heck he did to put himself in such a position. Besides, you couldn't save him from that now could you?
I PROMISED myself, I would never, EVER stand in the way of my ah going to jail. If he acts disorderly (as he's known to do) he stands alone. I will not intervene and tell the police officer that "I'll take him home...."
I believe I'd much rather you let your ah live in his prision, IF he chooses too than have you live in the one your in. Why is he more important to you than your own happiness? IF he allows himself to go to jail, at least he's somewhere, out of harms way....at least he can't harm someone or himself through using anymore. Either way, it's his choice. It isn't for you to decide if he is to stay out of jail or not. It's up to him to follow his conditions that were set before him regarding whatever in the heck he did to put himself in such a position. Besides, you couldn't save him from that now could you?
I PROMISED myself, I would never, EVER stand in the way of my ah going to jail. If he acts disorderly (as he's known to do) he stands alone. I will not intervene and tell the police officer that "I'll take him home...."
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi married,
i am so what in a similar possition, my ah did 2 yrs jail and has 8 yrs left probation, he did good for about a month or less. i too saw it coming and made a decision for me and my kids. even though i don't want to have anything to do with his return to prison, if that where he choose to go, i still can't allow myself to continue to live according to his madness. i will be praying for your ah as well as your peace, guidance and your safety, you are never alone.
i am so what in a similar possition, my ah did 2 yrs jail and has 8 yrs left probation, he did good for about a month or less. i too saw it coming and made a decision for me and my kids. even though i don't want to have anything to do with his return to prison, if that where he choose to go, i still can't allow myself to continue to live according to his madness. i will be praying for your ah as well as your peace, guidance and your safety, you are never alone.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it... do whatever is best for you and your daughter and don't worry about AH okay they are more resourceful than you can imagine and they really make you believe that their actions are our fault...don't buy in to it...Stand Strong ((((HUGS))))
Janet
Janet
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Concord NH
Posts: 158
Thank you to everyone who replied.....I love the domino analogies. I have been talking to a counselor and am on the right track. I know what I need to do, and I am ready. Waiting for the right moment....which I know is coming very soon. I have given 200% to this marriage and I am through thinking of him. I don't feel obligated anymore and that was a big issue for me. It really helps having people to talk to about this, thanks again and I'll keep you updated.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Concord NH
Posts: 158
Second degree murder..........26 years ago. I know it sounds awful, he is not a murderer though. He shot a known child molester, I know taking a life is not right but even the court let him out 13 years early because of extenuating circumstances. This man shot at his best friends house when they were there with their families on mothers day. My husband shot back, and then went to the police station and turned himself in.
That was a long time ago.......but he's been out for 10 approx years and in that time has violated parole at least 4 times.....all drinking related.
Someone else suggested I talk to his parole officer. Unfortunately the system does not work the way it was intended. They would simply violate him whether he broke any laws or not. Most are not there as a source to help, they just want to send them back.
He is not a violent man believe it or not, and the only person he hurts directly is himself.
Anyway, what ever happens to him is his own doing, I know and I keep reminding myself of that.
It's all very sad.....but I'm not crying anymore.
That was a long time ago.......but he's been out for 10 approx years and in that time has violated parole at least 4 times.....all drinking related.
Someone else suggested I talk to his parole officer. Unfortunately the system does not work the way it was intended. They would simply violate him whether he broke any laws or not. Most are not there as a source to help, they just want to send them back.
He is not a violent man believe it or not, and the only person he hurts directly is himself.
Anyway, what ever happens to him is his own doing, I know and I keep reminding myself of that.
It's all very sad.....but I'm not crying anymore.
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