FriendInNeed

Please someone tell me if i am in the wrong place writing this.
I had a great day yesterday with my friend, she seemed more "with" it than usual so had a good chat, and she opened up some more. Knew she was drinking last night but she has been trying to keep it to a lower level which isnt the answer but i guess it shows she's willing to some extent however i think a big part of it might also be that she "thinks" she is controlling it rather than the other way round.

However, just when i thought things couldnt get any worse her brother arrives home for the weekend after being away working ( he is a herion/other drugs addict but went clean and we think is slowly going back to drugs again but had no hard evidence). He was left keeping my friend company last night after she got completely drunk....but to my horror which i just found out about 20 mins ago, he has introduced to "his" drugs. She told me and showed me the contraption they used made out of a plastic bottle. What drug it was i'm not entirely sure, crack/herion, no idea really. Now i'm in a dilema, i know i need to tell her parents....but when that happens theyre gonna know its from their son....and to top it all off, they have loads of family coming this weekend so i dont really want to be seen as the one thats started it although i know its not me thats actually started it. I'm so confused, will i phone her dad as i know her mums out shopping, i can talk to her mum better, or do i hold off for her mum to come home but then risk it being at the same time the whole family arrive and i dont want to break in to that with all this...or will i wait till my friend sleeps it all off (just left her lying on sofa after having had 2 beers mixed with whats left of the drugs) and tell them when all the family go away.....??
arghhhh, why do i find this so difficult. I'm so mad with myself for not dealing with all this alot better.
Thanks for listening everyone, i dont know where i would be without being able to come here.

Anna

Hi Friend,

I'm sorry about this development and your friend clearly needs help. But, you do not need to talk to either of her parents if you are not comfortable doing that. I see from your previous post that your friend is an adult. I assume she knows how you feel about her problem with alcohol and that you want her to get help. If that's the case, there is no need for you to do anymore. When she is ready to get help, she will. As long as people continue to 'help' her, she will continue as she is.

You need to accept that you are not going to be able to do very much to help your friend at this point. It is up to her to make the decision to stop drinking and get well.

aloneagainor

Dear friend, it's hard to be a friend sometimes, when you care so much about someone else but they're not caring for their own self. You're seeing clearly while she's on self-destruct. That's what makes this so complicated a decision for you.

The scenario you describe is one I've lived. My dearest friend watched as I opted to experiment with increasingly harder drugs, and CARING about me he did not know what to do. So he called my parents, who promptly gave me a stern "talking to", I overtly complied, everyone agreed the drug problem was over. But of course it wasn't. There was nothing anyone could do to stop me. I was in "control" and didn't want to stop.

I don't know how old your and your friend are or how much experience their family has in matters of addiction. All around honesty is definitely a good place to start. Hiding addiction allows it to fester and grow. Directly address this with your friend and let her know your position on this, that she is going to have to take it on herself to DO something about this, and if you are going to tell her parents let her know this. Because once the secrecy starts in ANY direction, things go underground and out of sight they get so distorted and ugly, distrust creeps in, and establishes itself preventing open communication...see where I'm going with this? DO tell your friend directly of your concerns, that she needs to get help, and talk with people (family/ friends/ parents NA/ AA) she can trust. If she won't do that your friendship won't last for long anyway. Might want to check on her now, lying there passed out on that couch under the potentially deadly combo of alcohol/ heroin? Make it CLEAR to her how serious you are. You are quite a precious friend to care for her so. Remember that as you enter into this. I wish you well, Friend.

FriendInNeed

Thank you 51anna and aloneagainor for your quick response. Ive decided to definately tell her parents....only because i believe if her brother didn't supply them then she would'nt have got her hands on them due to her social phobias, she only see's a restricted amount of people. Maybe if her parents can at least stop her brother going round...then it might stop her adding problems to an already bad situation.

When she is sober/clean to a better degree than she will be today i will make sure i mention/discuss the drug taking to her, pointing out it was ME who told her parents...although i have a sneaky feeling thats why she told me about it in the first place....she knows i wont keep it a secret from her mum. She is desperately wanting help but not wanting to accept the fact it can only come from herself.
My friend is 35 I am 29 and ive seen alot of friends in the past be destroyed by drugs and alcohol but ive still never come upon a way to deal with it where i am not worried sick. With my friend next door to rub salt in the wound, i am also convinced she has succomed to bulimia again! Every day just seems to add more problems and i feel i am doing nothing constructive to help, not even her family..i feel like all i do is phone them and tell tales...like being back in school, but i agree with u aloneagainor, that all around honesty is best! But goodness knows where all this is going to lead....and when, i just feel more like my friend is not the only one falling to pieces! i'm gonna be right behind her at this rate!
Thank you all for taking the time to read and help me. I really do appreciate it!

Anna

Friend, it seems that you are trying to control the situation and I think that, as long as you do that, it will cause you continued pain. And, you will fall to pieces if you try to manage this problem for your friend.

I'm sorry for your situation, but it's oversimplifying to believe she only got drugs because her brother brought them. An addict will find drugs/alcohol somewhere when they want them, if not in one place, then in another.

Cathy31

I think secrets keep you sick, and you should not keep her secrets.

I would tell her parents. Then allow them to deal with it as they wish. I would also tell my friend that I am doing this. I had to do this with a friend not long ago. Rather this than have her overdose and the reality is that you *knew* and could perhaps have alerted parents. THey then, however, need to deal with it themselves.

JMHO

Good luck

Cathy31
x

aloneagainor

Friend, Anna is right. You cannot save your friend or anyone else, and now I'm concerned about YOU, as I hear you taking on some sort of responsibility for your friends' actions. People have nothing to give to anyone if they aren't well themselves. You can offer to help your friends but know that you cannot be responsible for their decisions. You have NO control in that, and be very careful to not allow your addict friend to manipulate you to THINK that you do, because she's then just using you as a distraction and not doing what she needs to do to take care of herself. You cannot save her from herself. All you can do is be a friend. Take care of yourself if you want to be that for her, the best you can offer is to be the best you can in and for yourself.

earlybird

I agree. You are trying to control something that can never be controlled. You want to control, and NOT controlling it causes you emotional pain. So since you can never control it,...you will always be in emotional pain. Everyone involved is an adult. YOu are not responsible for saving the planet. Be good to YOU. Become uninvolved as soon as possible. For your OWN sanity. If they are as bad as you describe,....Im quite sure that its no secret to their parents that they are addicts.

FriendInNeed

Firstly, there is no way i can become uninvolved although i completely understand what ur saying. You are right! it IS because i cant control her actions that brings about my emotional pain. But then i cant switch off that part of me that cares. I maybe cant save the planet but i can at least play a part in saving a tree. I've tried pulling back a bit, but not knowing how she is drives me mad and is almost as bad as having to deal with her drunk.

Maybe i am doing the wrong thing by not walking away....but I just can't. Maybe i am just not a strong person but i cant turn my back on her. Her parents know about everything thats going on...well not the most recent developments as ive not yet had a chance to talk to her mum.

However, thank u so much for listening, everyone, i really do appreciate it. I'm feeling really run down and have managed to get tonsillitis just to top everything off. Thanks again for all the support.

aloneagainor

No, we're not saying "walk away", we're saying "detach". There's a HUGE difference. With some distance from feeling like you have to MANAGE this situation (which you cannot do) you can get clear perspective in how to help HER get clarity and help her see what SHE needs to do to improve her situation, if she so chooses. A "strong person" can offer a hand to help someone along. All the strength in the world cannot force another mind to budge an inch if they don't want to. Trying to force a stubborn mule will only result in you getting your teeth bashed in, and probably a few cracked ribs too. And a broken heart. But if you offer it a carrot you might entice it to follow...

earlybird

I never said walk away. What I meant, was, let them feel the full-on-brunt of what they are doing to themselves. Her parents know. The recent developments are irrelevant. They are simply yet more addiction fueled events in their lives. They will find out on their own and if they dont, they already have enough to pi55 them off and enough has happened to already be in the middle of BEGGING them to seek help. Telling them the 'latest' will only cause anymosity and may backfire onto you. So,...I never meant turn your back and walk away. I meant,....turn your back, listen, watch, ......and BE THERE when THEY decide THEY need help. Until then,......you need your sanity. You need to live your life. Be good to YOU. You cant turn off your feelings,...I know this. But, you ARE an adult. Exhibit some maturity upon those feelings. Being an adult, you dont have to act on them.

lulu70

Hello Friend--Welcome to SR. Glad you found us. My suggestion to you is to head on down to the Friends and Family of Alcoholics and/or Nar-anon forums (further down the main forums page) and post your question there. It sounds to me like you definitely have some co-dependence issues going on and they are all better experienced in dealing with those situations than many of us who hang out here.

That said, I wish the best for both you and your friend. I can speak from experience with her side of the fence, so I know how hard it is to see the problem when you are so deeply enmeshed IN the problem. You will both remain in my thoughts.....

FriendInNeed

Thanks for the guidance, i will certainly check out the co-dependancy forum. I'm hoping to get to Al-anon meetings in my area soon ( if they have any that arent miles away as usually happens here where i live) I'm just holding out for my car to get fixed. Thanks for all ur help.