What are some reasons?
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
What are some reasons?
Another thread...I have a lot to say since I'm not here much! 
Could you all possibly provide some reasons that people stay in bad relationships? For example, what are some of the "benefits" that people who are not very healthy get out of an alcoholic relationship? I've heard, "well, you must be getting something out of it," before, and I was wondering what are some examples of what one could be getting. I'm just self-analyzing...
Could you all possibly provide some reasons that people stay in bad relationships? For example, what are some of the "benefits" that people who are not very healthy get out of an alcoholic relationship? I've heard, "well, you must be getting something out of it," before, and I was wondering what are some examples of what one could be getting. I'm just self-analyzing...
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
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sometimes I think it is easier to stay and then there is that ~ I care about the feelings of another person stuff. I know for me (I've been in a few bad relationships and stayed Too Long) I had to get to the point where I couldn't take anymore. When I started searching for & reading on a forum like this, I couldn't ignore the answers I got... It still took alot to do and what to do, and I got angry at what all that I took... Sometimes I have even tried that pros & cons list (usually for me, the list was mostly on one side) & I still didn't get it... But then something starts, a change, even if it's small and I was on my way 
and things get better. In my situation, I realized alot & started to make it not so easy for him to be around me. I had a hard time just kicking him out, he left and I let him come back a few times. But it didn't ever get better & Then I had to make myself take no phone calls from him.
and things get better. In my situation, I realized alot & started to make it not so easy for him to be around me. I had a hard time just kicking him out, he left and I let him come back a few times. But it didn't ever get better & Then I had to make myself take no phone calls from him.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
One of the reasons I stayed much longer than I should have in relationships and jobs was the fear that leaving meant I was a quiter, I didn't see things through to the end, I was taking the easy way out, and there must be something wrong with me.
These were all messages I received as a child too! Is there a connection? You bet there is.
Probably the thing that was most influential in staying when I should have left was I was used to the drama and turmoil of a dysfuntional family, and everything that implies. There was abuse, verbal and physical. Somewhere along the way I designated myself, the youngest of three children, to cause as many distrations as I could to keep my parents from fighting, or, to keep my siblings from feeling the heat of my Dad's anger and beatings. Of course in doing so, that meant that all of the heat was now focused on me!!!
So, as an adult, being unhappy was just a normal part of life, whether in relationships or jobs. What I got out of it was that I was used to being treated badly; it was comfortable as in 'familiar territory'. I knew how to handle hurt and disappointment...I'd bury it somewhere within myself. It took raising the bar (pun not intended) to a whole new level for me to say, "I Want Out"! And, that's when I got out.
Of course, loving feelings and memories held me back many times. Didn't want to mourn the end of our relationship. Didn't want to miss him. But I did mourn him, and at times miss him, and, I got through it each and everytime. It didn't kill me, and it made me soooo much stronger.
I guess there are many payoffs and it can differ from one degree to another from person to person.
I hope in giving my examples I didn't stray too far from what you were looking for. I tend to do that...a lot!!!
These were all messages I received as a child too! Is there a connection? You bet there is.
Probably the thing that was most influential in staying when I should have left was I was used to the drama and turmoil of a dysfuntional family, and everything that implies. There was abuse, verbal and physical. Somewhere along the way I designated myself, the youngest of three children, to cause as many distrations as I could to keep my parents from fighting, or, to keep my siblings from feeling the heat of my Dad's anger and beatings. Of course in doing so, that meant that all of the heat was now focused on me!!!
So, as an adult, being unhappy was just a normal part of life, whether in relationships or jobs. What I got out of it was that I was used to being treated badly; it was comfortable as in 'familiar territory'. I knew how to handle hurt and disappointment...I'd bury it somewhere within myself. It took raising the bar (pun not intended) to a whole new level for me to say, "I Want Out"! And, that's when I got out.
Of course, loving feelings and memories held me back many times. Didn't want to mourn the end of our relationship. Didn't want to miss him. But I did mourn him, and at times miss him, and, I got through it each and everytime. It didn't kill me, and it made me soooo much stronger.
I guess there are many payoffs and it can differ from one degree to another from person to person.
I hope in giving my examples I didn't stray too far from what you were looking for. I tend to do that...a lot!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
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We make mutual investments in a home, we love the extended family. We may understand how horrible that persons background was, how they lacked family or attachements. We may have their children. We saw the look in their eye at the altar. We may have promised we'd never leave them. They may have broken down exposing their vulnerabilites, their fears. We know they need us. We love them. We hang on to the good and let the bad go. We want marriages that last. We have faith in tomorrow. There's no where else to go.
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: a happier place than before!!!!
Posts: 944
Originally Posted by mallowcup
We saw the look in their eye at the altar. We may have promised we'd never leave them....We love them. We hang on to the good and let the bad go. We want marriages that last. We have faith in tomorrow. There's no where else to go.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: north carolina
Posts: 365
this will sound quite sick to some,but i have actually envied people who can stay in relationships.i mean,with me it seems i always get to the point where i cant take anymore....can it truly be that i just have not EVER in all these years found the RIGHT person for me? i dont feel i ask for too much,not at all.i dont like excess of ANYTHING,drinking,drugs,attitudes,getting into a rut.i cant stand temper tantrums.these things and just being too young the first time around are what contributed to my breakups.
i just told someone today,that i think that maybe you have to REALLY want a relationship....if you REALLY want something,you will do whatever it takes to hold it together........or maybe you just have to be somewhat co-dependent......
back in the day,my mom,my sister....it was all about women thinking they couldnt make it on their own,worrying what people would think when divorce wasnt as common...
i suppose alot of people stay for the kids. some for the financial,maybe some it's fear of the unknown....
and those who say its only for love.........well,is that truly love?
i just told someone today,that i think that maybe you have to REALLY want a relationship....if you REALLY want something,you will do whatever it takes to hold it together........or maybe you just have to be somewhat co-dependent......
back in the day,my mom,my sister....it was all about women thinking they couldnt make it on their own,worrying what people would think when divorce wasnt as common...
i suppose alot of people stay for the kids. some for the financial,maybe some it's fear of the unknown....
and those who say its only for love.........well,is that truly love?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Superiority
Control
Hope
Potential
Importance
Excitement (even in a negative way)
Attachment
Dreams
Self-esteem
Many things that we have either been lacking in our lives up to this point, or are trying to resolve within ourselves.........
Control
Hope
Potential
Importance
Excitement (even in a negative way)
Attachment
Dreams
Self-esteem
Many things that we have either been lacking in our lives up to this point, or are trying to resolve within ourselves.........
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 689
I stayed because I was afraid of facing what I (mistakenly) thought would be a far greater pain than the pain I was in in the relationship. But at that time, I couldn't think anything else because of the pain I carried from childhood and the need to be attached and 'in' relationship.
I stayed because the security of being attached to something that was toxic was preferable to the insecurity of breaking away.
I stayed because I mistook love for need and fear.
I stayed because the love I felt at times felt like enough, enough to make up for the rest of the time.
I stayed to avoid the pain of of facing the truth that meant my dreams and needs for a happy fulfilled relationship and intact family was not going to be met in this relationship.
I stayed because I clung desperately to the good and overlooked the bad.
I stayed because I kept hoping I could fix things, fix me, fix him.
I stayed because I thought I made my bed, and I was obligated to lie there too.
I stayed because I never knew what a healthy relationship was or looked like, or felt like. And so never had anything to compare it to. And never believed I could have it.
I stayed because I didn't have a healthy enough sense of myself, of my value, of the world, and of relationships, in order to say move on.
Texasgirl -- why do you think you stay(ed)?
A great book that provides a lot of insight on why people remain in exploitive or abusive relationships is The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick Carnes. It explains why we develop strong loyalties to individuals who are toxic or abuse or betray us.
I stayed because the security of being attached to something that was toxic was preferable to the insecurity of breaking away.
I stayed because I mistook love for need and fear.
I stayed because the love I felt at times felt like enough, enough to make up for the rest of the time.
I stayed to avoid the pain of of facing the truth that meant my dreams and needs for a happy fulfilled relationship and intact family was not going to be met in this relationship.
I stayed because I clung desperately to the good and overlooked the bad.
I stayed because I kept hoping I could fix things, fix me, fix him.
I stayed because I thought I made my bed, and I was obligated to lie there too.
I stayed because I never knew what a healthy relationship was or looked like, or felt like. And so never had anything to compare it to. And never believed I could have it.
I stayed because I didn't have a healthy enough sense of myself, of my value, of the world, and of relationships, in order to say move on.
Texasgirl -- why do you think you stay(ed)?
A great book that provides a lot of insight on why people remain in exploitive or abusive relationships is The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick Carnes. It explains why we develop strong loyalties to individuals who are toxic or abuse or betray us.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
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Posts: 872
Texasgirl,
Our relationships reflect how healthy we are ourselves. If we aren't healthy enough to even KNOW how bad the relationship is of course we stay. We have a part in it with our unhealthy behaviors.
Sometimes we don't know what we don't know.
You on the other hand have come a bit farther than that. You "know" intellectually that it is not healthy but your head, heart and gut aren't in alignement yet to really KNOW it and do something about it.
There are different reasons:
Fear of starting over
Fear of being alone
Fear that the other person will get better and you won't be there.
Low self-esteem
Easier to stay than rock the boat etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc.
But, we have choices even if we think we don't.
Ngaire
Our relationships reflect how healthy we are ourselves. If we aren't healthy enough to even KNOW how bad the relationship is of course we stay. We have a part in it with our unhealthy behaviors.
Sometimes we don't know what we don't know.
You on the other hand have come a bit farther than that. You "know" intellectually that it is not healthy but your head, heart and gut aren't in alignement yet to really KNOW it and do something about it.
There are different reasons:
Fear of starting over
Fear of being alone
Fear that the other person will get better and you won't be there.
Low self-esteem
Easier to stay than rock the boat etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc.
But, we have choices even if we think we don't.
Ngaire
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
I am not perfect but I am very good in so many ways. If not for the things I have gone through, the lessons learned, the troubles I caused, the heartache I brought on myself and others... I would not be who I am and where I am today.
I have had some people say they wish their husband was more like me... well for their husband to be more like me, they would need stay and work things out and he would need find recovery. What I have for a relationship today is wonderful and it took hard work and pain to reach this point. Was it worth it for my wife?
She would need answer that and I hope that my actions and behaviors found through recovery will always have her answer...yes what we have now is worth it.
A mended bone heals stronger then one that has never seen pain.
When struggles can be over come and worked through, the healing can bring a joy that couldn't be found any other way.
For each person, the hope of what can be I think is what has them stay that and a conviction of holding a commitment they made on the wedding day.
I have had some people say they wish their husband was more like me... well for their husband to be more like me, they would need stay and work things out and he would need find recovery. What I have for a relationship today is wonderful and it took hard work and pain to reach this point. Was it worth it for my wife?
She would need answer that and I hope that my actions and behaviors found through recovery will always have her answer...yes what we have now is worth it.
A mended bone heals stronger then one that has never seen pain.
When struggles can be over come and worked through, the healing can bring a joy that couldn't be found any other way.
For each person, the hope of what can be I think is what has them stay that and a conviction of holding a commitment they made on the wedding day.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
SOmetimes the known even if awful is more comfortable then the unknown. Ina bad relationship either A or B will ahppen. When you leave the skys the limit. Its easier and comfortable to stay in predictable chaos.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Hey TG,
So many reasons to stay.
Fear of being alone
Fear of the alcoholic getting worse
Guilt
Financial reasons- not for all people, but for many
Kids
Pets
Moral reasoning surrounding the commitment of marriage
They "need" me
Self esteem.. i.e."well, at least I have someone"
So many reasons to stay.
Fear of being alone
Fear of the alcoholic getting worse
Guilt
Financial reasons- not for all people, but for many
Kids
Pets
Moral reasoning surrounding the commitment of marriage
They "need" me
Self esteem.. i.e."well, at least I have someone"
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
I think that these play a big factor (they did for me) and they have already been mentioned to some degree:
1. We DO want to believe in ever-lasting love (through the bad times and the good).
2. We fear the unknown of leaving.
3. Doubt within ourselves (am I really being unfair? am I being selfish?)
4. Big change takes HARD work that either scares us or we are unwilling to make the effort.
5. Fear of "failure."
Other reasons could be:
1. Playing the "victim" gains you sympathy from others.
2. Because of the SO's bad behavior, you can blame everything on him/her and do not have to look at your own behavior.
3. A feeling of empowerment/self-importance that you are someone else's "rock."
1. We DO want to believe in ever-lasting love (through the bad times and the good).
2. We fear the unknown of leaving.
3. Doubt within ourselves (am I really being unfair? am I being selfish?)
4. Big change takes HARD work that either scares us or we are unwilling to make the effort.
5. Fear of "failure."
Other reasons could be:
1. Playing the "victim" gains you sympathy from others.
2. Because of the SO's bad behavior, you can blame everything on him/her and do not have to look at your own behavior.
3. A feeling of empowerment/self-importance that you are someone else's "rock."
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
What I have learned through Al Anon and other groups ...... there isn't one darn single good reason to stay with an alcoholic who is not recovering!
My self worth means way too much to me to ever lay it on the line another alcohol abuser ever again!
My self worth means way too much to me to ever lay it on the line another alcohol abuser ever again!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by mallowcup
We make mutual investments in a home, we love the extended family. We may understand how horrible that persons background was, how they lacked family or attachements. We may have their children. We saw the look in their eye at the altar. We may have promised we'd never leave them. They may have broken down exposing their vulnerabilites, their fears. We know they need us. We love them. We hang on to the good and let the bad go. We want marriages that last. We have faith in tomorrow. There's no where else to go.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Fear of failure kept me in it for too long.
And what I believed about myself.
I believed, somewhere inside, that I deserved to be treated badly... that I had earned it by not being good enough.
I believed I was MORE compassionate than the average person... that I could prove the empathy I felt by never leaving.
I believed I was tenacious... like others here, not a quitter.
I was never afraid of living alone (hell, THAT is my number one fantasy). I am a strong, optimistic, well-liked person. I have many friends and acquaintances. No one would suspect that I was in a physically abusive marriage.
Today, I am discovering what makes me happy and MY efforts are toward getting "more of that". Not at the expense of another person, but I also won't let another person be happy at MY expense. I will not be controlled, abused or manipulated. I don't know what changed, but something did. Something inside of me is no longer enmeshed with my husband. And that is a good thing.
And what I believed about myself.
I believed, somewhere inside, that I deserved to be treated badly... that I had earned it by not being good enough.
I believed I was MORE compassionate than the average person... that I could prove the empathy I felt by never leaving.
I believed I was tenacious... like others here, not a quitter.
I was never afraid of living alone (hell, THAT is my number one fantasy). I am a strong, optimistic, well-liked person. I have many friends and acquaintances. No one would suspect that I was in a physically abusive marriage.
Today, I am discovering what makes me happy and MY efforts are toward getting "more of that". Not at the expense of another person, but I also won't let another person be happy at MY expense. I will not be controlled, abused or manipulated. I don't know what changed, but something did. Something inside of me is no longer enmeshed with my husband. And that is a good thing.
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