gypsyrose

I was so mad at my AH for his recent behavior that I was making myself depressed. So instead of going to an al anon meeting, I ended up confronting AH last night. I'm surprized about the amount of denial he's been living with the last couple of weeks. I'd all but ignored his escalating drinking and apparently, so did he. He seemed totally unaware of the progression until I gave him a play by play repeat of events. He was walking around patting himself on the back for the progress he's been making towards sobriety without acknowledging the last couple of weeks. It was like there was this this blank spot until I filled it in. I wasn't as nice about it as I could have been but I was a whole lot nicer than I was feeling. I explained that it started with his physical and emotional withdrawl and ended with his acting like his old a$$hole drunk self. He said he withdrew from me because he knew I'd be mad at him if I smelled the alcohol. I pointed out that I've never gotten mad at him for drinking, only for his bad behavior that usually just happens to coincide with his drinking. I have brought to his attention when I've seen it escalating but always out of concern, never anger. I wish I could honestly say that I'll be able continue to keep that perspective. I feel myself running out of patience with him. As long as I see him making positive progress, even when he isn't completely sober, I'm happy and proud of him. But when I saw him start slipping, I started worrying and then when my worries were confirmed by his becoming a jerk again I got mad.

Okay, so what can I do better next time? I think I need to clarify my boundaries with him when I start to see him slipping. Let him know what I see happening, where I'm concerned it's headed (from past experience) and what I intend to do if it does. The reality is that I don't want to put up with as much as I have in the past and I do want to get out of the line of his fire sooner than I have in the past. We have had an agreement for a long time, when his behavior gets bad, I take the boys on "vacation." I think I am just redrawing the line of what is "bad" to me. Perhaps because I'm starting to see the way I want things to be now that he has been trying to get better. Is that unfair of me? He starts to improve and I raise the bar so falls over it sooner when he slips. So what, it's in the best interest of my children.

I think we're over this hump for now but I'm glad this site is here to provide me with an opportunity to prepare myself better for the next one. If he can stay on track until our trip to Maui, I think things may have a good chance of continuing to improve. I'm feeling much more optimistic today. False hope? It's better than false pessimism.

And this morning, one of my son's asked AH if he got me anything for Mother's Day. AH jumped in before I could say anything and said yes he just has to pick it up and then asked if the peice of jewelry I put on lay-a-way awhile ago was still there I wasn't expecting it before my birthday.

megamysterioso

Hi Gypsyrose. I think you really need to redefine your boundaries. As we all know, the A will not change until he/she is ready to change. As codies, it is rather unfair of us to attempt to control or project how much progress is considered "sufficient". We ultimately have NO control over the A's actions or recovery. You need to clearly recognize that although he is a part of your family unit, he will NOT be able to function according to your expectations as long as he is an active alcoholic. That is really the bottom line. Your question to yourself should be "how can I let go of my expectations and perceived "control" completely and be happy at the same time??" You must come to terms with the fact that the crystal ball you delve into when he is "slipping" is one of your own making. You've been through it enough times to see it coming and I understand. If it continues to make you miserable however, what can YOU do to ease your own misery? Let go and let God applies here.

That is good that YOU can see it. You know that trying to get better and actually getting better are two totally different things though. Take this one day at a time and no matter how much you want things to "hurry up and progress," it will take a lot of time.

gypsyrose

Denial is such a wonderful thing. At first I thought he was just a "problem drinker." Then I knew he was an alcoholic but didn't really even know what that meant. Then I knew that I didn't want live with the mean behavior anymore. Suddenly, his getting sober became an issue to both of us. I had know idea how hard it would be for him. And in the months he's been going to meetings and actively working on being nicer to me, he has reduced his drinking but I don't think he's made it a week without vodka. It was when the drinking became a daily event again that I started looking into the "crystal ball." And then it wasn't the drinking but the behavior that I got mad about. And not just mad at him but mad at the situation and mad at myself for seeing it coming and not being able to do something about it. This is nowhere near the first time he's been drunk since trying to quit drinking, just the first time that he hasn't been successful at keeping his behavior towards me under control. So, I am just learning as I go along, what to expect/accept from him/myself. What a strange process this all is.

Okay... Boundaries... I want to be clearer about what is acceptable to me and what to expect from myself when my boundaries are being crossed. We already have a plan in place... I am just "redefining" my boundaries now. I expect to be treated with respect by AH and myself. When AH is not able to treat me with respect, I will respect myself by getting away from him and enjoying life to the fullest with my boys. I will not wait until he is completely psycho before treating myself well this way. Just as important, I will remember that I am doing this, not to punish AH but to take care of me and our children.

It's not easy. There's no ready made place to go. I have to pack and plan and make sure I have cash available when I need it but I have done it more than a few times before. Once I go, I'm great at having a positive attitude about our "vacations." Some people refer to their method of homeschooling as carshooling and we do a lot of that. I've always been a bit of a gypsy and there are so many great educational places to visit that carschooling suits us well. I have always taken the boys on road trips for fun and they travel very well. Our "vacations" have never been about leaving my husband, just his behavior. With only one exception, I have always left him with an e-mail saying that I love him but I don't love his behavior and, as per our agreement, I'm taking the boys on "vacation."

Some of where I learned how to deal with loving my husband but not his behavior comes from having an autistic child. I know it's not productive to get mad at someone who's behavior is due to altered brain connections. It pays to stay calm, reward good behavior and provide consistant consequences for bad behavior... "if you can't play nice it's time to go."

AH is such a different person when he's not drinking and even when he's drinking less. I know that the cycles will continue until he's really sober. I so hope that he will get there someday. I want him to be a good example for our boys and for our boys to be able to be proud of their father. For now, he's trying and for now that's good enough.

Sorry, I'm going on and on here. I guess I'm just organizing my thoughts. Thanks for being here.

megamysterioso

Well gypsy, you certainly seem to have a firm handle on what you are willing to accept and what you are not. I think he is a very lucky man to have you in his life. As long as you can continue the "vacations" and are willing to see where his recovery will take him, you will be fine. You don't have to stick around for nasty behavior. You're doing right to leave him alone during those times and seek out joy for you and your boys. Take it one day at a time and I wish you and your family all the best.