aztchr

Well, I've taken some advice and decided to go out with friends and do whatever it is I want. I thought I would be having the time of my life and feeling better, but the truth is that everything feels fake and phony on my part. I try to stay focused on what is going on at the present moment, but I keep reflecting on what has happened.

Yes, I know everything is my choice. I decided to sell the house and leave my ex. However, I am angry and sad that because of his denial I had to make that choice. I miss the good times and the closeness I onced had. Now I am faced with having to find a new place to live by myself, one that is affordable and in a safe place. I keep looking so I'll be ready when the house sells, but that's upsetting, too. I'm living at my parents house. At this point in my life, I should be independent and not needing help. I feel that what I have worked hard for has been taken away. I'm hate being angry, but I am.

mallowcup

It takes a while to find where you fit. I remember feeling so lonely in a crowd. I tried going out with friends. I needed some time and have never returned to going out really. I'm a home body. For me it was about peace, quiet, eating and sleeping, work and a slow and easy transition to the life I wanted. I just enjoyed the fact that there were no more egg shells, sound restful sleep, no suprises.

Zoey

Feeling angry, fake and phony to me seem to be human feelings. We just try to work thru the anger, we all do it in our own way in our own time.
I found helping others helped all my emotions.
I studied to be a drug and alcohol counselor, that too helped with all my emotions.
I made lists of things I might do, that would be a distraction.

Think I for one never cared to be in a group going out. In that setting I always felt fake and phony. I am much better going with one good friend, to do whatever. I think in a group I was feeling that someone was toxic. Feelings are not fact, but I'd rather not be uncomfortable.

I am proud of you for giving it a try. Do try again later when you are more calm, as it might be your thing. We are all different.

We go through grief I believe, so to help with that I again made lists, Doing a 4th and 5th step helped me, but I was such a mess, my first try was nothing but self pity and why me. Writing out the story of my life helped me to do the next 4th and 5th.
Each time I read it I added more thoughts and events, people, places and things that hurt me.
Boy! do I hate helping myself and looking for solutions, I want someone to wave a magic wand and fix it. (Smile)

Keep coming here and type your thoughts, tell us about your hurts and anger, grief or whatever, just typing it helps to lift some of the pain, in my opinion.
A counselor helped me also. I'd go and say, "I know all the answers, just can't do it, I want to just rant and rave untill I cry, as I think that will help" I was lucky they understood.
Wanting the best for you. BIG HUG

Kellye C

Hi there! I don't know that I have any words of wisdom for you, but I think that what you are feeling is perfectly normal given the circumstances. You are trying to process what has happened, you are going through major changes and change is usually not comfortable.

I think you are showing a lot of courage by trying to get out and do things with people even though it may feel uncomfortable and fake. I also think it's normal to reflect a lot on what happened, especially in the beginning. I believe this is part of the processing phase. I like the idea of journalling your thoughts and feelings. Putting things down in writing takes them out of your head and removes some of their power.

Having to rely on your parents and sell your home and deal with the end of a relationship are all huge things and you don't adjust to them overnight. There is a grief process involved and anger is a part of that process as is denial, bargaining and finally acceptance.

The term that I hear in AA "fake it til you make it" came to mind when I first read your post. Continue to go out with friends. As it gets more comfortable and you get more used to it you will probably begin to have a better time. In the meantime, cut yourself some slack. Healing takes time!

I think you're doing great. You are taking the steps to help yourself and meet your needs and you are facing change head on. Be gentle with yourself right now, do some things for you that you enjoy and find relaxing. Reward yourself for being the smart and capable person you are!

Keep sharing here. One day you will look back and be able to see how far you've come.

Big hugs to you,
Kellye

mallowcup

I think people may feel this way when their spouse dies. They try to rejoin the living, the normal, and have a tough time of it. I think it takes time to rebuild string friendships and important relationships.

aztchr

Thanks, everyone! I guess what I felt was sadness that I couldn't be enjoying things with my ex, like I was with friends. I still had fun with them and they understand and support my decision. It's hard, but in the long run I know I'm growing and getting stronger each day. I have to keep reaching out to people who want to reciprocate and not live in the past or what could have been. That chapter is over.

Kellye C

You'll get there, one day at a time!

Hugs,
Kellye
Sobriety Date 8/8/04

megamysterioso

It is a crying shame that you had to make that choice and I understand what you wrote there completely. I know that you know that your choice is the best for you. I also know that this is the only way to stop the vicious cycle in many cases (mine included). It is simply too bad that the As in our lives choose drink over us. To us codie sober ones, it seems ludicrous! Our priorities and theirs are very different. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Hugs to you.