Either Change or Die or Locked UP
JUST DO IT!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
Either Change or Die or Locked UP
The reason that I have titled this "Either Change or Die" is because really that is our only chance. I have been through a lot here lately and someone wants to know what happened and I am going to do my best to tell you from the start.
As you all know on Valentines Day I relapsed having almost a year of clean time. I was in fact 1 month and 2 weeks shy of that day, when I chose to go back out. If in fact you have followed me which most have you know what happened. I did make fun of the drug "Crack" I didn't know why people couldn't just put it down. I really had no respect for this drug finding it that it wasn't really that powerful. I soon found out that not only is it that powerful but it actually is just as POWERFUL as any other drug. It isn't necessarily the drug that is powerful but the disease of addiction.
I kept on playing with this drug until I could no longer play with it. It took control over every aspect of my life. I went to a meeting one day and a guy said "If you want to use here is $20, you might as well get your first high on me. It pissed me off when he did that, I didn't take the money but I said I will show you and that is what I did.
I went home and I did make a decission! I decided that I was NEVER going to get into recovery again, and that I was going to stay out using the rest of my life that I have. I through away all of my recovery books (except the NA Basic Text and the AA Big Book), and I said that I have made a decission to get high and to stay high no matter what it took. I did very well with that decission, I took it to the extremes. I don't remember a whole lot of the past month or so, nor do I really want to. The drugs took over me and my disease is in full bloom. I do however remember throwing away my recovery step guide and all the work I put into it. It is now time for me to either change or die and at this point I decided to die.
NO NO NO, why my God chooses me to live I have no idea. I tried my hardest to die. I remember one day I bought enough crack and powder coke that should have killed anyone. I don't remember a whole lot of what happened after that. I do know however that I was and am still alive. Why does this God choose for me to live, I will never know.
I have no idea what happened but I do know over a week ago being higher that Sh!t, that I decided that if I didn't do something I was going to die. I decided to move back home and then I would and could stay clean. NOPE that didn't work either, why because I am still here. Wherever you go that is where you are. I am here, yes I am. My physical aspect is that I am at 150 lbs. I have lost over 40 lbs, my mental state is not good, I don't have any of my medications, and as far a spiritual, I don't know if I even know what that truly is.
I have lost all material things, and I might even be loosing my pickup also, I will find out about that in a week. Active addiction is a good way to hide and to run from yourself. It is also a good way to die, as we all know. I am not sure if I am choosing right now to CHANGE. I don't know if I can change. I am not scared to die, but I would hate to be locked up. I have a hit on my head where I moved from, and in a week I am going back to there to face the piper. I don't know what will happen but I know that I can no longer run. I have to face life on lifes terms, and those terms are the one that I chose. Anyway it is so good to be back here. I wish I had my computer, but I don't. Maybe someday I will be able to get one. Until then take care. Oh yeah BTW I think I have about 6 days clean not sure.
Love Vic
As you all know on Valentines Day I relapsed having almost a year of clean time. I was in fact 1 month and 2 weeks shy of that day, when I chose to go back out. If in fact you have followed me which most have you know what happened. I did make fun of the drug "Crack" I didn't know why people couldn't just put it down. I really had no respect for this drug finding it that it wasn't really that powerful. I soon found out that not only is it that powerful but it actually is just as POWERFUL as any other drug. It isn't necessarily the drug that is powerful but the disease of addiction.
I kept on playing with this drug until I could no longer play with it. It took control over every aspect of my life. I went to a meeting one day and a guy said "If you want to use here is $20, you might as well get your first high on me. It pissed me off when he did that, I didn't take the money but I said I will show you and that is what I did.
I went home and I did make a decission! I decided that I was NEVER going to get into recovery again, and that I was going to stay out using the rest of my life that I have. I through away all of my recovery books (except the NA Basic Text and the AA Big Book), and I said that I have made a decission to get high and to stay high no matter what it took. I did very well with that decission, I took it to the extremes. I don't remember a whole lot of the past month or so, nor do I really want to. The drugs took over me and my disease is in full bloom. I do however remember throwing away my recovery step guide and all the work I put into it. It is now time for me to either change or die and at this point I decided to die.
NO NO NO, why my God chooses me to live I have no idea. I tried my hardest to die. I remember one day I bought enough crack and powder coke that should have killed anyone. I don't remember a whole lot of what happened after that. I do know however that I was and am still alive. Why does this God choose for me to live, I will never know.
I have no idea what happened but I do know over a week ago being higher that Sh!t, that I decided that if I didn't do something I was going to die. I decided to move back home and then I would and could stay clean. NOPE that didn't work either, why because I am still here. Wherever you go that is where you are. I am here, yes I am. My physical aspect is that I am at 150 lbs. I have lost over 40 lbs, my mental state is not good, I don't have any of my medications, and as far a spiritual, I don't know if I even know what that truly is.
I have lost all material things, and I might even be loosing my pickup also, I will find out about that in a week. Active addiction is a good way to hide and to run from yourself. It is also a good way to die, as we all know. I am not sure if I am choosing right now to CHANGE. I don't know if I can change. I am not scared to die, but I would hate to be locked up. I have a hit on my head where I moved from, and in a week I am going back to there to face the piper. I don't know what will happen but I know that I can no longer run. I have to face life on lifes terms, and those terms are the one that I chose. Anyway it is so good to be back here. I wish I had my computer, but I don't. Maybe someday I will be able to get one. Until then take care. Oh yeah BTW I think I have about 6 days clean not sure.
Love Vic
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
Vic,
That's quite a story and very, very scary.
I do believe that god wants you alive and kept you alive so that could do what you need to do in this lifetime. And, part of that is, I think, coming here and helping others at SR.
I hope you can get things together physically, mentally and spiritually. I have never stopped praying for you Vic!
That's quite a story and very, very scary.
I do believe that god wants you alive and kept you alive so that could do what you need to do in this lifetime. And, part of that is, I think, coming here and helping others at SR.
I hope you can get things together physically, mentally and spiritually. I have never stopped praying for you Vic!
JUST DO IT!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
Well I just came from a meeting and I think that I might just try this deal again. I am not sure and I want to atleast thank you my friend Anna to replying to my thread. I know that I will always have someone who cares for me and I have had a lot of good news happen today, but I will share them on my thread in the NA forum. As far as this one thread if you like take it out. Thanks Anna for being here for me.
Love Vic
Love Vic
Knucklehead
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Davenport, WA
Posts: 4,005
Hey Vic,
I know I didn't get to know you all that well, but I remember all your touching posts about Lucky. I'm glad you made it back bro, and I'll be thinkin' about ya. Hey, sounds like you have twice the clean time that I have!
DK (Paul)
I know I didn't get to know you all that well, but I remember all your touching posts about Lucky. I'm glad you made it back bro, and I'll be thinkin' about ya. Hey, sounds like you have twice the clean time that I have!
DK (Paul)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: wherever my feet take me
Posts: 1,314
Hi vic, reading your post was like looking in the mirror for me. Crack is all to powerful, it takes control quicker than any other drugs I have had problems with. You and I use to be in touch, and we spoke on the phone. I miss seeing your name on my posts and in my PMs. I am trying really hard to keep myself off the pipe and I hope you do the same! I decided to die also, but if I havent with all that I have done lately than there must be a reason that greater universal force is keeping me here. The same for you! It is not our time to die! Please dont give up!! This is a tough fight, maybe we can do it together. I wish I could give you some advice, but I am at a loss just struggling along day by day. i just wanted to let you know I completely understand and if there is anything I can do to help please let me know. Dont let the ignorance of that guy from the meeting set you off. I got some negative feedback here on SR and it almost sent me spiraling, but I reminded myself that you cant change what people do or say you can only change the way you react to them. take care.
****{hugs}}},
beth
****{hugs}}},
beth
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
(((((Beth))))) & (((((Vic))))
shine on!!!!....that light inside of you is still ablaze, and you can tap into it as long as you breathe and your heart is beating.
universal life force, it connects us all.
for both of you, dear fellows, i send some of my own.
stay close by, keep sharing with us.(and, yes, ignore the jerks...)
shine on!!!!....that light inside of you is still ablaze, and you can tap into it as long as you breathe and your heart is beating.
universal life force, it connects us all.
for both of you, dear fellows, i send some of my own.
stay close by, keep sharing with us.(and, yes, ignore the jerks...)
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