Ontario_Rider

My story is on here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ory-91816.html

I need closure and am considering writing my AH. There is still the no-contact and court isn't til the end of June and I hate living like this. Court is only a pre-trial too, so who knows how long it will really be.
I want to say how hurt I am by his behaviour- to me and to our child. How disappointed I am that he won't remove the no-contact. And basically why??? did he do what he did. When is he sending money or do I have to send the courts after him. Should I be filing for separation? When's he getting his clothes, why hasn't he got them. UGH.
Thoughts??

jimhere

Do you really belief telling someone how they've hurt you is productive? That's not closure, that is retaliation. Sure you've been hurt, but repaying hurt with hurt doen't heal the wound. Just opens it deeper and it festers and burns. Try something called forgiveness. That doesn't mean you condone the action, or that ever even have to speak to the person again. Set them free. In setting them free, you set yourself free. It takes two to make a prisoner, the prisoner and the jailer. The jailer can't go home until the prisoner gets to go home.
Jim

FormerDoormat

I agree with Jimbo. Sending a letter to your husband will accomplish nothing. If you want to write a letter just to vent and not send it, then go for it. Also if by no-contact you mean a no-contact court order, I would abide by the legal order.

denny57

((ontario))

I would not sent a letter. I might write it and put it in a drawer, but not send it. I also wouldn't worry too much about forgiveness right now - you seem to have enough on your plate. Focus on you, get through this time and I hope (and believe) once the court date is past things will start to feel they are moving forward. Good luck.

mallowcup

I think writing the letter is a good idea. Youcan write down all your feelings similar to journaling. I think it is most important for you to reach closure by writing that letter and keeping it to reread to yourself. Write down how you feel and how you felt, be sure to include the life you'll have now. I don't think there is any mutual closure for an alcoholic. He will just see the letter as a vulnerability to him.

splendra

I doubt sending the letter will help your relationship and it could hurt you in the long run cause it is possible you might say something that could be misconstrewed in court. Write it if you must but, please don't send it...

Keep the focus on yourself and your child and take good care of you both...

ilovebdj

OR....funny you should have this post. Just last night my AB sent me an email about the recent stuff we've been going through, saying I'm "reacting" wrong. (He's currently getting the silent treatment.....) I have to say I've been waiting for him to email me to give him an excuse to send off a nasty email that's been brewing in my head for about a week. I wrote this nice long letter, saved the draft, went back and wrote some more. I sent it.

I was still up at 1:30 a.m. tossing and turning, wishing I didn't send it. I logged into his email (sneaky and shady, I know) and deleted it.

I always THINK that writing things or telling him things like that will help him understand what I'm going through, but I have to admit it's more like therapy for myself. If our AB or AH's were clear and knew and understood what we were telling them re: how we feel, I'm sure they would stop. But the thing we mustn't forget is that they are sick right now and not clear. Saying how hurt you are by his behavior will really only relieve you. As the others say, I say write it, and stick it in a drawer or better yet, burn it so you don't have to stew over it! xoxoxo

Brammy

I never wrote my AB a letter but I did tell him how his behaviour hurt me. I did it in a calm reasonable fashion not meant to retalliate but only to let him understand WHY his behaviour was so unacceptable to me, how it damaged my sense of self-worth, the damage that had been done to the relationship and to give myself some closure. I agree about not putting anything in writing but if you can convey your feelings without judgement, without blame I think you will feel better in the end. I did it after getting avice from a counselor to do so. The sleepless nights from trying to sort it all out in my mind pretty much came to an end after that. It was as if putting it to words and hearing myself speak them really brought the reality home. I think it helped that he was drunk at the time because I saw the picture even more clearly.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't stop loving him or wanting to help him or even feeling all the associated guilt. I was just able to sleep interrupted which was something I hadn't been able to do in a long time.

Ontario_Rider

Wrote my letter, not sure if I will send it, yes it's no contact, BUT I can contact him, just not the other way 'round.
I decided to attend an Al-Anon meeting. Going there Thursday to hear the stories and hopefully it will help in the journey I'm on.
I'm moving on, but angry at the system, I have been trying for 2-3 weeks for people/organizations to return my call, and some of them had stated, I'll call you ...., so far it's police, crown attorney, lawyer, family services, etc. UGH. I want to move ahead and feel stuck.

AH,
I am very disappointed that you will not remove the no-contact order. We need to talk about the future. I've already been to court once trying to get this resolved quickly and yet you drag it out. I don't understand the delay when all they want is probation, they will seek a jail term the longer this goes on.
You have no idea what is going on here, and you don't seem to care either.
The last time you spoke to (child), you called her a liar, made her cry, AND you had told her you would call her tomorrow-that was over a month ago. How do you think she feels? OR don't you care anymore?
Actions speak louder than words and yours seem very plain. You've never picked up your clothes, I don't know what I'm supposed to do with them, especially when the bank is taking the property. Are you not getting your mail?? And all I've got is a list of stuff you want. I think that is very pathetic when you haven't cared if (child) or I froze to death or starved these last two months, yet you lay claim to anything of value.
R is trying to get ahold of you, because you need to do J's papers. She said you can call her collect if need be

laurie6781

As I am not sure of the ramifications of the No Contact Order in Ontario but wanting to stay within the law here is what I would do:

I would write a letter to the Court that issued the No Contact order, saying something like To Whom It May Concern, or Dear Honorable So and So: There is a "No Contact Order" #--------- in place and there are some issues that MUST be resolved. Can I please impose on the court to forward the attached letter to ____________ so that this may be finalized.

Then I would also get a court case started against him for child support.

Stay within the law, get the court on your side. By writing the above letter, and attaching the letter you want to send, the Court will see exactly what is going on. This can only work in your favor and keeps you out of having to deal with him face to face.

JMHO hope it helps.

Love and hugs,

Ontario_Rider

Thanks

quietsins

When it comes to legal issues, the less put in writing the better.

Write whatever you want, but mail it to yourself. Vent if thats what you have to do, but dont get between him and his legal rights. No matter how inconvenient or unfair you might think it is.

He has a no-contact order imposed. You want contact... talk to a lawyer. Trust me, I dont think they want you handling anything at this point. And if you weaken your case your legal aid lawyer is going to be in a jam simply because you want to make a point. Get a lawyer. its worth the money to have the hassle done. and...

look twice at your letter. Take out all the words of hurt, all the words of anger and what do you have? a letter of frustration because he wont do what you want done. Sorry to be brutal, but thats how it looks to me.

quietsins