lightseeker

God I feel like crap. I have not had anything to drink for 4 months. Have been doing my recovery work in Narnon and Alanon. Not wanting to admit that maybe I really did had an alcohol problem. I got P O'd at the addict in my life this afternoon and opened a bottle of red wine. And I got skunked. Told him all of the the horrible things that I have had bottled up inside of me (I guess) for the last however long. I made an ass of myself. Could hardly stand up. Showed my a..... in front of friends/my children.....cried....etc. I just feel horrible.....

I've had a hard time admitting all of this. All of my life I've affiliated with addicts - always found someone a whole lot worse off to maybe hide my issues? Am I an alcoholic? How in the world do you know? I definitely have found that alcohol messes up my life....is that enough?

I'm going to go to my 1st AA meeting tomorrow and pick up a chip. I hate admitting that I have a problem. Maybe this is a beginning. God I hate this.

Donna

splendra

((((Donna)))

It Sounds like you are a person that wants to live in the truth and are going to do whatever is necessary to do that. Take it easy be gentle with yourself.

Justme57

Hi there Donna

Do not dispair , many of us have been just where you are . I know the dreadful feeling of shame , and horror at my actions while drunk. It sounds as if your life could only improve if you quit , great to see you seeking solutions .

Hope you enjoy your meeting, let us know how you go


HUGX
lee

CarolD

How wise you are to seek answers! Hugs...

Blessings to you and your family

freebird

Thanks for sharing.

collinsmi

Man, does that ever sound familiar!

Do you have the ability to control your drinking? Generally, not just once in a while. Back when I drank, every once in a while, I would have one drink, and that was it. On the other hand, I know lots of drinkers who generally control their drinking, yet have had an occasional episode where they got drunk and acted regrettably. Seems like a simple concept, doesn't it? It took me many years to figure out that one!

Stobert

Me too, but after a time I was worse than they were. Congratulations on admitting you may have a problem and heading to a meeting. No matter how bad you may feel now, if you continue using you will most likely feel much worse long before you start getting better. Let us know how you feel after you pick up your white chip, we've all "been there-done that." You can count on someone listening.

aasharon90

Hi, Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

Glad ur here Donna. Welcome to SR.

How do u know u r an Alcoholic? For me I surely didn't think i was for a good while. I just kept drinking in a pattern or having a good excuse or reason to drink. Id have my cold glass of pretty red wine beginning in the afternoon or it could have been beer, maragita, rum and coke, pina colada, hmmm anything that was on hand. Put the kids down for their nap and reward myself. Or when i was cooking, id think i was like Julia Childs. Of course i was never going to be like my mom. Never abusive to my kids like she was to me, and thank God I never was. When i did drink, i thought i could drink anyone under the table. Could hold my liquor longer without getting stinking drunk. So i drank as Elangantely as i could. Then time went on and so did my drinking habits and behavior wasnt so normal amymore. No one in my littlle family drank. My husband worked hard and just wasnt a drinking buddy. So I Drank Alone. Hmmmm sounds like a drinking song by George Thorogood. Then that wasnt fun anymore, so i used a good reason to get out of the house and go to a local club to listen to music and be around those that drank like i. Un benounce to my family, they had no idea what kind of fun i was really having out there. Till i was returning home one night and ran off the road hitting a concret culvert sitting on top the ground. That sent me to the hospital for 10 days with them removeing my spleen are else i would have bled to death. That little inncident was in Feb 90. Then in Aug, 90 i tried to end my life by downing some pain pills. The progression of my disease was extremely rapid. From there my family stepped in and did a family intervention on me. In the back of a handlest police car i went to rehab for 28 days. My family did for me what i could no longer do for myself. For them I am truely grateful. No i had no idea i was an alcoholic. Looking back now with clear eyes and mind, i can see the pattern of distruction my life was becoming. The people i hurt, lied to, decieved, munipulated, stole from. The shame, guilt, remorse, fears, loneliness, anxiety, depression and more i felt in my life. Since getting sober 15 yrs ago, i have been walking the road of recovery with many wonderful kind people that all have been there done that kind of drinking and behavior in their lives. Today i have a support group of people like u to help me stay sober one day at a time by sharing ur own experiences. strengths and hopes with me and other. What it was like drinking, what happened to get u here and how is life today sober. Donna, i had the WILLINGNESS AND DESIRE to want to stay sober for a good reason. My family...Kids mainly. And for myself. I realized Alcohol was POISON to me and WILL ALWAYS BE. I dont see those pretty bottle of red wine, but instead i see the cross bones and the word POISON on it. To drink for me is to die. If not tent i will surely get drunk or go crazy. Life today for me is so much better than all the days drunk i had. There is hope, joy, love , peace, within myself today. Im not perfect nor ever will be, but im striving for progress...progress to be a better loving person or child of my Higher Power. Taking that first step to Admit u have a drinking problem, Accepting it and then Believeing in a Power greater than urself to help u stay sober. Those first few important steps to build a strong foundation in sobriety. And there r many wonderful helpful people here to help u and guide u thru ur journey so u would NEVER EVER have to be alone.

Thanks for letting me share.

chrisbee65

If you think you might have a drinking problem - you do. Bottom Line - folks that Do Not have a problem with alcohol don't 'wonder' if they do. If we are asking ourselvs if alcohol is a problem in our lives - pretty sure bet that it is.


I have a plaque by my back door that say's "Back Door Guest are Best"

AA has a little saying (not AA aproved-ok?) about folks making it to AA through Al-Anon - we call it 'coming in through the back door.

So, my personal belief on the "back door" guest - is that they are the friends that are our closest to us and can come through the back door - comfortable - not the "formality" to strangers or aquaintences that ring the front door bell and have to be 'invited in'.

So, when our "al-anons" make it to the rooms of AA - we already know you, you are already a part of us - you are our "back door guest" - you belong -

We are happy to see you take this next step in your recovery & are there to help.

I know it is so hard to make that leap from being a "victim" of OUR disease - and realizing that it is YOUR disease, also. especially while in "co-dependent mode" - you have the out of appointing "your" alcoholic as The Problem. When you realize you have a "drinking problem" your self - it must feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you & you have to come to grips with the fact, that you, too, are The Problem. And I can imagine that it has to be really tough to make that kind of a transition.

Mine was just the opposite - I came into AA because of my alcohol/drug "problem" -- I got sober - and things were bopping along pretty good. My husband got sober 1 year before me -- so he had really just switched addictions - instead of using a chemical - I became his 'project'. Me getting sober - and working my own progarm and growing in recovery really caused us some major issues - we switched back and forth from co-dependant mode like someone turning on and off a light switch. We just thought we were insane while we were drinking/using. When we took the chemical away and was left with the same mess -it got real crazy. After 18 months sober - my sponsor "oredered" me to go to at least 1 al-anon meeting a month. She was kind of skeptical because she really wanted me to get through my 12 Steps the first time around dealing with just "me" - but it started getting painfully obvious that if I didn't try to do something with all that other BS -that I probably could stay sober - IN PRISON - because I would probably wind up killing my husband before it was over. So - and especially because all of us AA's like to 'joke' about our co-dependants and the Al-Anons - it was difficult - to say the least - to try to get serious in any kind of recovery in Al-Anon. It still is - because of being a drunk & a junkie - it is sometimes hard to take the stuff shared in a al-anon meeting - and I would feeli like I had to defend all of the 'alcoholics' - and was just very defensive - still am sometimes - with the whole al-anon stuff...it's hard - but so was getting sober - and it has all been worth whatever effort I put in to it. And I know that what little bit of effort I have put forth so far has helped - I am a work in progress -- in all areas of my life.

Welcome - you are right where you are supposed to be - surrounded by a bunch of folks that will love you through this rough transition in your life.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Your sister in Recovery,
Chris

fraankie

look at it this way
you are going to AA

best
fraankie

lightseeker

Thanks for all of the input. I am trying to get the nerve up to get to an AA meeting this evening. I know what to do at the anon meetings but don't at the AA ones. I have felt so gross/shameful/yucky all day. I know that a meeting will more than likely help that. I accidently (yeah right) ended up at an AA meeting a few months ago - walked in late and missed the intro part. I did feel very "at home" I have to admit. Last night I drank out of pain, said a lot of things that I now regret - to my addict and to my friends about my addict. My head is hanging low and my tail is between my legs. I surrender. I get it. The gig is up. My addict has not been very supportive - on one hand, I understand because I hurt his feelings. On the other hand, I know that he must know how sh*tty this feels to me and a little compassion would go a long way right now. I do appreciate the compassion that ya'll have shared with me in this thread. So, I thank you.

Donna

otter

In my opinion alcohol is a problem when it becomes disruptive in your life. Is it causing you to:

Miss work often?

Changing how you would react to everyday issues?

Do you need a drink?

You could listen to “hoo ray” chatter all day but it’s not going to do you any good until you decide to either control it or give it up. If you can’t control it or give it up then you’re stuck in the circle.

Take the bull by the horns either way.

Rowan

Hi Donna,

I hope that you made it to that meeting tonight.

I know that shame and remorse that you describe. You don't have to live like that today. What a relief it is to wake up, sober, knowing where I am, and not being flooded with feelings of guilt and shame.

Don't be too hard on yourself; you're in good company here, trust me.

Keep coming back.

Rowan

inlandza

I'll take all the advice above and then say to myself its not how much but what happens, stop going to the "nons" and go to normal AA NA meetings yoyu might find what you looking for there. its hard to atmite that we AA but once we do the relieve that is felt is so great that that we wondered why we did not do it sooner.
Good luke in your journey

Purrdy

sweet pea!!!!


once you realise you have a problem you are halfway there...none of what you siad there shocked me...i could tell you stories that would make your hiar curly...I have done allthat and worse!

The thing is...today...you have aknowledged that there is something VERY wrong...you are begiining to make the journey from head to heart....admitting i was an alcoholic was the worst nightmare i could have imagined...but once i did and met other like minded souls who had been through the agony of alcoholism i felt at home...not ok...but at home......

AA worked for me.....I grabbed the recovery programme by the short and curlies and did not let go......for the first 5 years

I urge you to go to AA.......give it a try.......alcoholism does not go away..it festers and grows...once activated by drink there is no hope......

I have to reamin abstinent or I will die...that is the bottom line for all alcoholics.

Drink and die


this horribleness you are feeling is the best lesson you can have...its part of the memory that will keep you away form drink.....

you are now on the first step to the rest of your life....you have aknowledged the fact that you could be or are an alocoholic.........that not only takes horrid experiences it takes courage my freind....

let us know how you go...

love to you and yours....

purrdyxxxxxxxxxxx

lightseeker

Thank you everyone so much - it has been a week now since my (last) drunken debaucle. I've gone to three AA meetings now and tonight got a sponsor. I found a meeting right by my house and the women in this group are great.....so welcoming and embracing. Through this week I have heard so many stories that it has made mine make a whole lot more sense to me....I am amazed at how long I was able to delude myself. Alcoholism is definitely a crafty, cunning, and wiley creature. It does finally feel that the missing link in my soul has been identified. The circle is feeling complete. All of the addicts that I have married and love now make sense to me in a different way. I really didn't stay around and enable them as much as I used them to hide my own addiction. I always had someone worse than me to compare myself too. I didn't just pick the heavy users - I picked the worst of the worst. It was easy for me to "look good" beside them. I've definitely had a "now I get it" moment. Now that I am finally accepting the finality of this new awareness I am definitely grieving the loss of my drinking. However, I am so grateful to have the strength of a program before me. I know that if "they" could do it that I can do. In fact, if my abf (20+ years of alcohol/crack addiction) can do it then I can too. It helps to have his support. Funny how the table has turned!!!!!!!! Tonight I met a number of women who found their way into AA much the same way. I am truly grateful. I've yet to be able to introduce myself as an alcoholic however. I'm sure that that will come as I become more used to the idea. I know that I am - it's just tough to say it outloud. But - I know - the truth will set you free. And it has. What a trip!

Love and hugs to all - Donna

CarolD

What good news! Way to go Donna!...

Grasshopper

You are no longer all alone,
Keep on,keeping on,

Wolfman

Way to go! Glad you braved it and found such a warm reception. Good luck on your path!

Peace to you.

-Wolfman.