Dead Poet

Hey, haven't post for a long while, but was always peeking in and staying SOBER. @ one point it even became easy. I was sober for about 4-5 months...why don't I know it exactly? Because, one day I said I had enough of this "it" in my head, my addiction. I was making a choice to use that stuff to cover up so many feelings. I finally was getting back to being myself, being my real shy intimidated self and I liked it a lot. I was making real, good choices, I was optimistic, I was free from "IT" I wasn't scared of the drug anymore, i didnt have any reason to use, i saw the insanity it puts addicts through, i started to understand sober people when they said "just don't do drugs," that being very general, but a common being when sober people cannot understand addictions and they tell the anorexic girl "just eat" or the alcoholic "dont drink so much" or whatever your pleasure.
I reached out into the world, and I started to trust myself little by little. I then realized that i dont want to trust myself as i saw how i reached for my doc in a compulsive impulse, i just didnt know anything else, i knew that old headgame of the doc being the only thing that can help Stress Anger Lonliness or Tiredness. I started creating a problem in my head so i wouldnt have to face my daily life responsibilites. There was no hole inside of me except for maybe feeling tired when i took that first step back. I knew it was for all the wrong reasons and i knew exactly what i was doing. i was deciding to end my life right there again. I am as good as dead now, and it progresses faster than ever when you relapse after so much sober time b I try to get it back to the highest point as quickly as possible therefore all the more deadly, ironically when i have all the more acquired tools on how to stop it. I dont care about you my life my friends my anything when i know i really do. I recently had some stress about someone else and knowing i couldnt change them i was still faced to always be in their presence. I never voiced my opinion but they made me feel so small and yet i loved them so i didnt say anything to start argument. Ive lost all my confidence, my health is shot once again and i have wanted to cry and die for the past week that ive admitted myself into this hell. DRUGS DON"T WORK, they have the opposite effect of what you are looking for but at the moment we do not see or feel anything else will ever make us feel that good once we know what our doc does for us at its highest. Not only is it good it takes us away it makes us forget who we are and that we serve a purpose on this earth. It might have been easier if i never felt that high, but i have and i know it exists, and i was willing to take the bad with the good. I tried to switch my doc, i thought maybe cigarettes would do the trick but not even close. I dont love cigarettes the way i love my doc and it wont let me go, ive tried to let it go and i thought i succeeded but with the 4 years of developing habit i battled all the things that would make me use except the simple one of choosing to do what i want, i picked up knowing it would lead to a relapse and i didnt want it but i wanted it, that i dont understand. I just dont think i knew what else to do. Same as in the stress situation, it was easier to use then confront something that tough, because until then i wasnt faced with anything too hard, especially not something associated with my self esteem. I AM DOWN. I am terribly down and unless i have a wise individual help me up off this floor i might choose death because i dont want that, however, i am already choosing hell on earth.

We all have a choice in life and i hope this helps some people make the RIGHT choice.

Dead Poet

I really need someone to talk to me.

miss communicat

Poet

You are here on this earth to share your special gift with the world. I know sometimes it is blocked from our awareness, like the clouds that block the sun.

Have faith, that, even on the the cloudy days, there is a sun. The light of the sun is still inside of you.

Do you have a friend or a sponsor you can call? Have you seen a doctor about depression?

Please pick up the phone and reach out like you are doing here. And keep us all in your process. We care about you, and I am glad you are back on the boards!

Love to you,

Sugasnaps

My dear poet my heart and my best warmest thoughts go out to you in your suffering. You truly are suffering, I know. Please, even if you don't believe in the words that Miss C just said... do it anyway... pick up a phone and call someone. Deep down in the misery that addiction brings there is the insanity that we still do it... even though we know in our heart that it will bring us down. That's the sickness of it. Please get some help... go to a meeting... talk to a Doctor... get a friend to drive you to a clinic. Do whatever it takes to get you out of the house and into a program of some sort. You can do it and sunny days are around the corner... you just gotta turn when you get to it.

~hugs hugs and more hugs~

Suga

indigo

Happy to see you back poet.
indigo

CarolD

Prayers and hugs zinging your way DP

The doc is speaking to you right now...
find F2F help to stop the insanity.

Hope

I'm sorry that you are going through a hard time.

My thoughts and prayers are being sent your way.

REZ

It's always darkest before the dawn. Maybe this is what you needed to become willing to admit defeat and realize that drugs just don't work for you. Don't give up before the miracle arrives.

OVERIT

(((((Poet)))))

I hear the hurt and anquish in your post. Call someone. You can do it. I KNOW you want to stop being miserable.

xoxoxoxo

Ang

Time4Change

lulu70

((((((((((DP))))))))))) I am so sorry I missed your post yesterday and I am sorry you are feeling so low. I could really relate to what you said about where you are now being hell on earth. I was there, too. I had to somehow find the strength to claw my way back up into the light. I got a lot of my strength from other addicts like me, in treatment and in AA, and of course, here at SR.

Hang in there, honey. You are worth it.

Nina Kay

Poet,
I don't know what to say to you, because I am not a wise person like you asked for. I am also just a shy and easily intimidated person like you with low self-esteem. I do understand depression from alot of experience. I have kept fighting it all through my life as hard as it is and I hope that you will continue to fight it also. I know that we just get tired of fighting these things all of the time and it feels like we never get past it. I'm sorry that you are having to go through this all of the time. Please don't give up though. I always think that what if I give up and then I find out later that relief was just around the corner. I don't want to quit just before I'm there. Please don't quit too soon, you are worth it. I know that I'm worth it too. There is so much that you can offer to this old world and you may not even ever know that you given something to someone that they needed at just the right time in their life. I know that each of us affect alot of people that we don't even realize we affect and sometimes all we see is the negative effects when others see the positive effects of our lives. I'm really sorry that you are going through so much pain. I wish that you didn't have to go through this. I wish that I or someone else could do or say something to you to make it all better. Please keep coming here and posting. Please keep us up on how you are doing.
I am sending you some cyber hugs because I can't reach you in person. Here they are: (((((((((((((((((((((((((((Caring Tight Squeeze Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Phinneas

wow. simply wow.

(...)

Done_With_It

Hang on sweetie. I can relate to how you are feeling, but you know this terrible dark place you are in will pass and be left in the past.
You can get through this, I know it's hard, just get back up and fight
for YOU! You are worth it, and you will see the light again.

(((((D.P.))))