Nothing I can do...
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
Posts: 1,625
Nothing I can do...
G has chosen a path that leads to back to what he knows. That all he has is himself.
When I met him, he told me he was afraid to let anyone into his life b/c those he did, he lost. I tried everything I could to give him everything he never had and to show him that I would always be there for him. And I was.
But what I didn't expect was for him to not treat me like a wife, for him to not put his family first, for him to disrespect those he felt was less of a person than him.
There is nothing I can do for him.
I called my mom and told her about the eviction. She asked me what I was going to do. I told her I didn't know. G don't even know that I know about it. Unless he comes to me and says something, I'm not going to say anything about. It is so sad to me that he would rather live this life he's chosen than live a life with his family. But that is his choice and there is NOTHING I can do.
I told my mom that I felt bad b/c he came to me six months after he moved out and begged me to give him a second chance. I tried, but i was guarded. And he started drinking again after 4 months. I told her if I had done more at that time, this wouldn't be happening. She reassured me that I did what I felt was right at that time....and I can't dwell on it. I can only focus on what is going on now. And I know, if I talk to G he would through that in my face and add to my guilt.
I could call him, I could go to his apartment to talk to him, I could send him a card to let him know we are thinking of him.....but I would only be hurting myself in the end. I don't want to back to where I was three weeks ago.
There is nothing I can do.
BUT....I can focus on me and I can focus on my kids and I can go after my dreams and make my life and my kids life better. G's a grown man, free to make his own choices. There is nothing I can do.
My heart tells me there is more out there than what I could get trying get with G by pulling him back. I know if I did try to pursuade him that he'd be better off with us, I would only be right where I was when I asked him to move out.
My mom said, "You could let him come back, but with your rules." I told her that would only lead me to controling everything again. I wouldn't truly be happy.
I know true happiness is out there for me.....and I WILL get there. As my HP as my witness....I will get there.
When I met him, he told me he was afraid to let anyone into his life b/c those he did, he lost. I tried everything I could to give him everything he never had and to show him that I would always be there for him. And I was.
But what I didn't expect was for him to not treat me like a wife, for him to not put his family first, for him to disrespect those he felt was less of a person than him.
There is nothing I can do for him.
I called my mom and told her about the eviction. She asked me what I was going to do. I told her I didn't know. G don't even know that I know about it. Unless he comes to me and says something, I'm not going to say anything about. It is so sad to me that he would rather live this life he's chosen than live a life with his family. But that is his choice and there is NOTHING I can do.
I told my mom that I felt bad b/c he came to me six months after he moved out and begged me to give him a second chance. I tried, but i was guarded. And he started drinking again after 4 months. I told her if I had done more at that time, this wouldn't be happening. She reassured me that I did what I felt was right at that time....and I can't dwell on it. I can only focus on what is going on now. And I know, if I talk to G he would through that in my face and add to my guilt.
I could call him, I could go to his apartment to talk to him, I could send him a card to let him know we are thinking of him.....but I would only be hurting myself in the end. I don't want to back to where I was three weeks ago.
There is nothing I can do.
BUT....I can focus on me and I can focus on my kids and I can go after my dreams and make my life and my kids life better. G's a grown man, free to make his own choices. There is nothing I can do.
My heart tells me there is more out there than what I could get trying get with G by pulling him back. I know if I did try to pursuade him that he'd be better off with us, I would only be right where I was when I asked him to move out.
My mom said, "You could let him come back, but with your rules." I told her that would only lead me to controling everything again. I wouldn't truly be happy.
I know true happiness is out there for me.....and I WILL get there. As my HP as my witness....I will get there.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Jess? Can you read that back and tell me which bit leapt out at me? I don't want to always be on your back, but there's some twisted thinking in there.
I can't help thinking that your mum is contributing a tad to it by asking what you are going to do about it. After all, it's not your responsibility.
Keep posting. And I say this almost every time, please read back over your old posts and bookmark them to go over. You have worked through some of this stuff already. I know you have.
I can't help thinking that your mum is contributing a tad to it by asking what you are going to do about it. After all, it's not your responsibility.
Keep posting. And I say this almost every time, please read back over your old posts and bookmark them to go over. You have worked through some of this stuff already. I know you have.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Nothing I can do...
Yes, you keep saying that. Actually, there is plenty you can do, but you're just not ready to do it yet. And that's ok. I'm going to ask the question I asked before: what do you hope to accomplish by doing all this "nothing?"
Yes, you keep saying that. Actually, there is plenty you can do, but you're just not ready to do it yet. And that's ok. I'm going to ask the question I asked before: what do you hope to accomplish by doing all this "nothing?"
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Jessica,
I'll say it again:
His choice,his decision, his actions,his consequences,his problems.
Absolutely nothing to do with Jessica. In fact some people would say it's none of your business. You are your business,you and your kids.
Look at it this way Jessica, if you REALLY want to do something for him, do nothing for him, get on with YOUR life. The best and healthiest thing for everyone concerned is do nothing for him and everything for you. We do the A's a big disservice by preventing their downward spiral.
Ngaire
I'll say it again:
His choice,his decision, his actions,his consequences,his problems.
Absolutely nothing to do with Jessica. In fact some people would say it's none of your business. You are your business,you and your kids.
Look at it this way Jessica, if you REALLY want to do something for him, do nothing for him, get on with YOUR life. The best and healthiest thing for everyone concerned is do nothing for him and everything for you. We do the A's a big disservice by preventing their downward spiral.
Ngaire
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
I told her if I had done more at that time, this wouldn't be happening.
Stop blaming yourself girl. And about those alanon meetings? Are you doing them?
(((((((((((((Jess)))))))))
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
G didn't lose anything. G through it away sealing his own fate. I have read many many of your posts and it seems that you are determined to be the exception to the rule. I hate to blunt as it appears harsh, Harsh is what lit the fire under my butt. Changing your life and your thinking is active not passive. G calls when? He thinks about you and the kids when? I think the frustration comes from you asking advice and rarely applying it only to return with the same issues all over again. G doesn't try, he doesn't think of you, he is no where ready to bring a benefit to anyones life. He is drinking, he will drink, he will have crisis after crisis. The friends he has will lead to more friends and more drinks. My very best advice is to sever all ties with G and forget G. I would draw a physical line in the sand. I would put G on the side you are standing on and take a literal step over that line.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by mallowcup
I would draw a physical line in the sand. I would put G on the side you are standing on and take a literal step over that line.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Jessica,
Would he care if you were being evicted? Would he want to do anything for you?
Ask yourself, with all the time and energy you've put into him would he bring the same time and energy back to you?
Ngaire
Would he care if you were being evicted? Would he want to do anything for you?
Ask yourself, with all the time and energy you've put into him would he bring the same time and energy back to you?
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I think you can do that same step on a piece of notebook paper. I'd draw a line right down the middle, a solid ard line oin bold magic marker, no perferations, no gaps. On one side write G's name and all that comes with him. Tears, sleepless nights, kids who are upset, broken promises, evictions, alcohol..........on the other side write all your goals and dreams that you have for you and your kids, cut the paper on the line and throw away the side that has G on it. This is your new life, get started on it. Cross off each dream and goal as you make it come true for yourself and your kids. Sometimes we need something tangible. Maybe you could talk to your kids and they can contribute to the list.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
This is a tough and very wise crowd, which is why I love you guys so much. Jess, perhaps you should stop turning to your mother for advice when it comes to G, as she seems to be steering you towards returning to your caretaking role by suggesting that perhaps you should let G stay with you "with some rules."
We all know that active alcoholics can't play by our rules. There is one thing you can do for G and that is to pray that he finally reaches his bottom and finds a new direction in life.
It's time for you to find a new direction in your life as well. I don't think you'll ever find happiness with a man who told you from the get-go that "he was afraid to let anyone into his life b/c those he did, he lost. He was waving that red flag in your face from the beginning.
G's live has spiraled out of control, and now he may become homeless as a result. There is only one person who can fix this situation, and that is G.
Sending prayers for you Jess. Asking my HP to give you the strength to make the right choices for you and your children. Asking my HP to watch over G and help him find a path towards sobriety.
We all know that active alcoholics can't play by our rules. There is one thing you can do for G and that is to pray that he finally reaches his bottom and finds a new direction in life.
It's time for you to find a new direction in your life as well. I don't think you'll ever find happiness with a man who told you from the get-go that "he was afraid to let anyone into his life b/c those he did, he lost. He was waving that red flag in your face from the beginning.
G's live has spiraled out of control, and now he may become homeless as a result. There is only one person who can fix this situation, and that is G.
Sending prayers for you Jess. Asking my HP to give you the strength to make the right choices for you and your children. Asking my HP to watch over G and help him find a path towards sobriety.
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