spacegirl

I made that same joke to a friend on here recently but it reminded me of this. I seem to do most of my thinking in bed when either I can't sleep or just before I actually fall asleep.

I was lying in bed just recently and thinking about my first meeting and just thinking about how I really wished I could just never crave alcohol again.

I remembered something embarassing I'd done while I was drunk. If I was still drinking (I was only a few days sober at the time) then I would just have screwed my eyes up and tried not to think about it but I decided to try and think about it. Remember how it felt. Remember how bad it felt and try to call up that feeling of shame and guilt and regret the next time I wanted to drink and see if it could help me keep my resolve.

I cringed as I remembered it but then decided to add up all the awful, stupid embarassing things that have ever happened to me as a result of alcohol. I couldn't sleep due to alcohol withdrawl so it was prob the alkie equiv of counting sheep lol. I decided to try to get up to 100 but I ran out of embarassing things (prob to drunk to remember most of them) and decided to include traumatic things and things I regret. Stuff like ruining my sisters wedding by tripping over my bridesmaids dress and slurring my words and talking rubbish to the other guests, my ex.boyfriend coming around and leaving in disgust when he realised I was incoherently drunk etc etc...

All the horrible, awful things, and how different my life could be and where I could be now if I hadn't ever tasted alcohol? I speak several languages and have headed and managed software teams and projects and travelled all over the UK teaching martial arts but I screwed up every opportunity I was given by turning up for work late, with alcohol on my breath or ringing in sick with a hangover. The work went to people who were less-skilled but more reliable in the end. It doesn't matter what you can do if you aren't there to do it...

anyway for some reason it seemed to sink in that night more than it ever did before and I can honestly say I don't crave alcohol at all right now. Maybe it's a co-incidence but I don't know. I won't say that I'm not pre-occupied with alcohol a bit bcz I think I am. I see it everywhere. On tv, walking past pubs, when people talk about it all the time... but somehow I'm thinking - yeah, it's ok for you but not for me. and sometimes it's not even ok for them.


We saw a guy on St.Patricks night (the night of my first meeting) staggering around, barely able to stand up and he was on his own and people were laughing at him. I couldn't laugh because I was thinking how ashamed he would be if he knew, and where were his friends? He wasn't drinking for fun he was out of control and alone and everyone was laughing at him.

I've been there too.

I don't know why I'm saying all this even. Sorry to go on so much but I really felt like I had to get this out. I wonder if anyone else wants to share what goes through their minds when they are adjusting mentally to a life without alcohol or if they think that far ahead. I'm just taking it day to day at the moment but I'm trying to let it sink into my psyche by osmosis or some kind of subtle, in the back of my mind re-wiring of the brain or just shuffle my way into the mind-set where I see myself as someone who can not and will not ever drink again but takes that for granted and doesn't have to think about each and every day and it doesn't feel strange or significant.

Or is that even how it works?

Thanks for listening/reading to my self-indulgent cr*p. I really had to get this out tho. Oh and don't tell me that even one person here actually read all of this tedious nonsense! One sentence in 10 I'm guessing lol

Molly
x

Phinneas

I read the whole thing, Molly. Sounds to me like you're making a start on your Step One. Now right all that sh!t down on paper.

Step One = NO RESERVATIONS that I can ever drink again.

Good job!

spacegirl

Thank you Phin. That was really kind of you to actually read all that. What you've said has just taken me by surprise. That's Step One? Or the start of Step One? I find those steps quite hard to understand tbh. Normally following a program of some kind is my thing (normally college modules or software code) but I find the steps really difficult to translate into what they actually mean in real terms.

Thank you for the advice. Ok then I will write that down and try and read it some more.

Cheers mate
xx

lulu70

I read the whole thing, too, darlin'. And Phin is right--it is definitely a very good start on a first step. As far as understanding the steps goes, do you have a sponsor yet? My sponsor helped me understand what each step was really about and what I needed to do. I would also suggest getting a "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions" book (also know as '12X12' or '12 and 12'), if you haven't already. I have continually found that my main problem understanding the steps is over-analyzation. I had to learn not to think about it too much and just do what was suggested to me.

I'm glad things are going relatively well for you! Keep posting!

spacegirl

thanks Lulu (((hugs))) yes I've got (on the back of a booklet) The 12 Steps and the 12 Traditions but I don't really understand how to translate them into real life. I mean I don't believe in God anymore (I wish I did but I don't). I accidentally went to an Al-Anon meeting instead of an AA meeting but I decided to go again anyway (I went to the second one tonight) and a woman there is also a recovering alcoholic and she is meeting me tomorrow morning to go with me to some 'Womans group' thing so that might be AA. I guess that's why I don't have a sponsor because I don't suppose you get them in Al-anon but I do have a list of telephone numbers of the people who run the group. I don't really know what a sponsor does.

Hope all is well Lulu and Phin with you two also? I'm feeling really strange actually. I'm not craving alcohol but I'm kind of preoccupied with it. I'm not used to this mental state of being constantly sober. It feels strange and I don't know how I'm thinking or feeling or who I am at the moment.

lulu70

That feeling will pass as long as you don't pick up. Do you have a Big Book? (The basic text of AA appropriately titled, "Alcoholics Anonymous") If all you have been to is Al-anon you may not have even seen one yet. If your friend takes you to an AA meeting make sure you ask if you can get one. As a newcomer they are likely to give one to you for free. If not, they are only about 6 bucks or so. Also, the 12&12 I was talking about is actually a book which goes into detail about each of the steps and traditions.

As far as being able to apply the steps to real life, you really don't have to worry about that yet. Right now all you need to do is stay sober. I also hope you will not let your feelings about "God" or whatever keep you from giving AA an honest try. There is a LOT of God-talk in AA and it can be a bit overwhelming. However, it is important to remember that although some people use the typical Christian God as their higher power, even more of us don't. I don't believe in any religious kind of God either, but I have been able to develop a concept of a 'higher power' with time. If you would like, I would be happy to share that concept with you sometime. As much as I can, anyway. A lot of it is kind of beyond explanation.

Take it slow and take it easy on yourself. It is completely normal to be thinking about booze all the time and to be wondering who the he!! you are when you are newly sober. As I said before, it will get better as long as you don't drink.

Hang in there!

CarolD

Glad to see you are working on your recovery Molly!

rose petals

Laura lu--
im laura-im an alkie--i would like to hear your conception of God--i have much confusion over this--i believe there is something but if i dont stick w the christian God i was taught you go to hell but i mean if i could actually choose a concept it would free me up but then theres hell in the back of your mind---whew!!!--thanks
Laura

rose petals

spacegirl--
i have been feeling odd lately --sort of like one looonng acid trip--lol--i dropped acid three times when i was a kid AND I FEEL LIKE A MILD FORM OF THAT--everything trips me out--so many questions and so few answers and --i also have felt like i was sinking into oblivian--well, i have stayed cooped up --well i pushed myself to get out today just costco and garage sailing and it felt so good to be out in the rythym of life--i cant explain but i definately understand why they say not to isolate--eekkk--my brain trys to figure out everything and confuse me---oh, the fun of insanity--lol--i have a friend who has two yrs and he said when you feel weird get busy,take a nap or just wait it thru--he said he felt pretty much weird till he had a year and a half--he still gets it time to time --i figure we always will but he says this too shall pass--take care spacegirl
Laura

miss communicat

Molly,

I read it all, too. I really related and sympathize with the overly active brain sometimes.

What always calms me right down is to focus on today, not the future and not even so much, the past. Although recalling the shame and remorse the past may help to cement my resolve not to pick up, I feel it may not be positive growth for me to internally berate myself for foolish choices I made while drinking.

I choose sobriety because it and no other choice allows me to live the life i was born to live.

Keep writing and keep paying attention to what comes up for you. Its a wild ride sometimes!

(ps My daughters name is molly. you sure you're not my kid?)

Luckyv2

Religion or Christianity is for those who dread hell and spirituality is those of us who have lived in hell. My name is Vic and I am an addict/alke of sorts. I don't really truly believe that we could define something so magnificent, nor would I try to anymore.

You know I went to college shortly after high school to become a minister. That was my calling in life, I truly believe that even to this day. And yes I am a minister (in my own way) and so are each and everyone of us. What we have is a spirit in us that dwells inside of us. It not only dwells in us IMO, it dwells in plants, animals, trees, stars, sky, everything. I used to always and was raised that if you do this your going to hell or if you do this, or that. What God would really want that to happen, NOT MINE> Mine loves me no matter what, UNCONDITIONAL. And I truly believe that if you want to talk about the Master here I will tell you that HE died for all of our sins. NOW if you believe that, IN which I do, then he has forgiven me of the past sins, the present sins and the future sins. That is unconditional love.

I truly believe that God wants us all to be happy, joyous, and free. This doesn't give us a permission to do wrong. God - Good Orderly Direction. You know how a dog loves you no matter what? Well God is Dog unconditional
Just my 2 cents

Love Vic

Kellye C

I read the whole thing too and I really enjoyed it. I agree that it sounds like the beginning of working the First Step - we admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.

I struggled with that First Step. I KNEW I was alcoholic, I KNEW my life was unmanageable but I still lived with the delusion that somehow, someway I could find a way to control alcohol. God knows I tried all kinds of things and the result was always the same. I continued to get drunk daily, just some days not as drunk as others.

The first lady that worked with me in AA had me write out my drinking history. I wrote 9 pages of the things that had happened as a result of my drinking, the ways it had affected me and others, the ways it had harmed others, about my efforts to control it and the results. At the end of that I looked at it and truly saw that I was POWERLESS over alcohol. I know that if I put it in my body I will end up back in the hell that I crawled out of 19 months ago. When I finally was able to admit and therefore give up the elusion that I could control it I had worked Step One. I work Step One every day when I ask God to keep me sober. I know that left to my own devices I would drink but the with aid of a power greater than myself who I choose to call God I can stay sober today.

I still have days when I'm squirrely and the thoughts of drinking come. I also know that just because I have a thought doesn't mean I have to act on it. What is helpful to me during those times is remembering everything I wrote in Step One, getting to a meeting, calling my sponsor or another recovering alcoholic or getting busy.

The 12 and 12 does a wonderful job of explaining the steps and I feel is a great companion to the Big Book of AA.

Thanks again for sharing with us. Keep up the good work!
Kellye

Beachbabe

I too read the whole thing.

I pictured that man. Alone and out of control. Being laughed at and he may have been in a black out and not even know who he was.

People will stop and help a diabetic but will spit and laugh at a drowning drunk.

There is where the stigma comes in.

Little do they know, we are just as sick and likely to die.

spacegirl

Hi miss C, yes you've hit the nail on the head really. I wanted to suggest to other people 'hey try this!' but I had to bite my lip and remind myself that what works for one person won't necessarily work for another and may cause more harm than good. It's hard bcz I feel an ache inside me when I think of other people suffering and I want so much to tell them how to get better but I'm still learning how to make myself better and my well-intentioned but ill-educated advice may do more harm than good. So there's the choice. Sound like a self-obsessed, self-centred person and refer only to yourself and your own problems or try to suggest to other people - hey it worked for me why don't you try it?

It's hard because I want to reach out and hug all the people who are suffering but at the same time it's like trying to run before I can walk because I have't even dealt with my own problems yet! Take the plank out of your own eye and all that...

There isn't one person here that I've read their post where I haven't wanted to throw my arms around them and 'make it all better' but at the same time that makes me such a hypocrite because it's like wanting to teach somebody to swim when you haven't even put your toe in the water yourself! What an idiot eh? I'll have to try harder to stop worrying so much. I dunno, maybe it's easier to care about others than it is to care about ourselves.

It breaks my heart when people are posting about how hard their lives are and if F*cking kills me that I can't do anything to make it better but I can't even deal with my own problems! God I hate myself at times. F*cking stupid fool!

Well anyhow. Went to my first AA meeting today. (I went to Al-anon by mistake last week so this is my first AA meeting this morning) Saw a girl that I used to know and she was always the cool, pretty one with all the attention from the boys and all the nicest clothes and all the confidence and I cringed when I saw her today. We worked for the same model-agency 10 years ago (fashion not glamour I hasten to add!) and we used to go to a lot of parties together back then. Nothing glamorous or exciting, small-time stuff, the only models from our particular agency (Mary Gay) who actually hung out and partied with the 'celebs' were the ones who tended to sleep around and neither of us two were like that.


Even in a bloody AA meeting she had a nice blouse that matched her belt and expensive shoes and her hair looked beautiful. She didn't look down at me tho, in my pink baseball boots and no make-up and jeans and T-shirt. She just smiled and said 'hi'. Next time I go I'm going to wear a nice outfit and lipstick. Wierd. You don't see someone for 8 years and they still look good, you look down at yourself and think - 'Jeez! I've really let myself go! I must start paying attention to my appearance again! She still looks good even tho she's 35 so why do I look like 45? I would love to look 45 if I was 55 and I'd love to look like 35 if I was 45. It's all relative I suppose.

Oh God what a mess I've made of my life. I was 36 last week and we can't have children because we have to sort out our finances and get everything stable first but by that time I'll probably be too old! Life is passing me by! this is NOT how I expected my life to be! Apologies again for rambling but I'm 36, childless, unmarried, jobless and a recovering alcoholic. Woo! Go me!

*writes out own invitations for 'pity party' sorry...

best

Worked for me Molly

Good for you.

As you work the steps used in AA, you have much of a list to start with.

If a next time that you can't sleep...remember that was yesterday and today is a new day. Forgive yourself and tell yourself that you are sorry. Today is a new and "sober" day.

Good for you Molly.

best

Yes GOOOO MOLLY

The most important step you are doing at the moment and that is something to be joyful about. Now pack up the pity party favors and take out the PARTY favors.

spacegirl

Go where? I don't know what to do...

spacegirl

I have meetings that I'm invited to but I'm nervous and shy about what if I don't have anything to say then what? I'm scared of talking to people anymore...

spacegirl

I'm scared of being laughed at or ridiculed Best. I don't want to be a fool?

best

Meetings don't require you to share. Go and listen. When you reach the point that you want to share, you will know it and can share then.
Nothing you would say hasn't been said before. Nothing you could say hasn't been thoght before. You say it and in a room of 20, 15 may be thinking...ahhh yes. I sure am glad she said that.
When ready you share.