Aquiana

As some of you know, it appears that G is trying to work through the problems he's had in the past. I think that's it great that he is. Who knows how long it will last but I'd like to at least give him credit for what he's doing now. That brings things to me though. I'm having a hard time with it because I can't get over the 3 mentioned things in the title! He really wants to reconcile things.... in a way I do to, but then I get angry. I'm angry that he didn't fix things along time ago. I know it isn't productive. I know that no amount of anger is going to fix the past. It's kind of like I feel like things have just gone so wrong, I'm unhappy with so many aspects of my life, (financial is a huge one by the way) and I'm totally blaming him for most of it. My biggest problem is I'm pretty sure I need some counselling. Nobody to do it here except in the daytime and I don't have a babysitter. What else can I do? The negativity I've fallen into is brutal. I don't look at what could go right, it's only in my mind what can go wrong.

I'm really good in the daytime. Well sort of. I mean I'm good when it's the baby and I because I don't want him to be affected by it. When he goes to bed, though I feel the anxiety coming out.

Alot of this like I said is financial. Being with G has caused me to take on quite a few debts. I have a loan for example that has ALOT to do with his irresponsibility and the payment on the thing is killing me. We, baby and I, live in a really tiny house. I'm tripping over things constantly and it's always a disaster around here. I'd like to move into a bigger house but I can't afford the payment. On the other hand, the only way to get rid of the loans is to sell this place but then pay a mortgage somewhere else. The crappy part is either way I break even. Either way I can't afford it. Well I can sort of but I'm so sick of having to count every darned penny.

So it's a stuck feeling really. That's how I feel, just stuck. I'm feeling like I'll never get out of this. Since I feel G has had a great big hand in helping me get there, I'm very angry at him.

How on earth does a person get rid of the negativity!

denny57

Every week when I leave my therapist's office there is a woman waiting to go in after me. With her 2 small children. You could take the baby with you.

Zoey

Hope you can take baby, try diff counselors if first one says no.
Good advise denny, bet lots of people don't know that.

Money is a big problem, sad we have money problems. Sometimes we need to try a gratitude list. It is hard when we are angry and hurt. Start with your beautifull child. I always can start with arms, legs , friends etc. Maybe even some of G's good points. Just suggestions. HUGS

ASpouse

Those are great suggestions Clancy .... a Gratitude List might help Aquiana some.

denny57

I seem to never think of this on my own lately. My sponsor keeps reminding me. Could be worth a try Aquiana.

(())

ASpouse

Same here Denny, I always forget or I'm too lazy and make a mental list. I don't think it has as much impact though, seeing it in my own writing means more. My memory can be quite selective :-(

rooroo

Aquiana, I know exactly what you mean!! I am left holding the "bag" at my home. The house payments, loan payments, insurance etc. I get angry!! I am angry because I am the one going to work everyday, and yet I am the one going without. I am resentful because he stays home with my kids and I have to go to work. I even went through a period of being so bitter no one wanted me around. Money money money. I go to counseling one day a week and alanon 2 times a week. One thing I have learned along my way in recovery is that there is no justified resentments. This was really hard for me to accept. But I finally did, and once I did that the bitterness went away. I still deal with my anger, but not so often. I now understand that if I continued to blame my H for everything, that I would have to wait for him to make it better. How long would I have to wait for that if it even occured? I accepted that I made the choices that put me where I am today and only I can make choices to change my situation. I have patience. Next week, maybe I wont have a phone but I do have a home to lay my head in. I do a gratitude list everyday. I have to. Another thing I have learned is that it is okay to ask for help. When my kids were whining, complaining etc about not having anything to eat, I did something about it. I went to my pastor at my church and asked for help. I came home with 4-5 bags of food. It is okay. We don't have to carry our burdens ourselves, our HP is there, it is up to us to accept his help. What's the worse that can happen? We can feel like we can get through the day. Things will get better. Honest. One day at a time. When I can't handle a full day, I just handle the next 5 minutes. Next thing I know it is time to go bed. I am saying prayers for you and your little one. Bless you both.

brdlvr2

Regarding gratitude list: Here was something I heard at a meeting and it sounded pretty good when you are having trouble with things other then health, family etc. Start with letters of the alphabet. Ex. A: grateful for good Apples in the fall, Angels ...

Aquiana

Thanks for the ideas everyone. I will do a gratitude list. I am usually pretty good at remembering that I have always been provided with what I need. Believe me, my son is #1 on that list. That is what makes it worse sometimes. You know how it is when you want them to have everything. All the chances, opportunities, lessons in this or that. Right now I couldn't provide that and it gets a little frusterating. He gets the basics no problem. I would gladly eat peanut butter and crackers all day if it made the difference to whether he ate or not.

The anger and frusteration come because I've always had a hard time understanding why our financial situation is so bad. When the two of us are working full time, or even now it'd be alright, we do make enough. We'll never be considered wealthy but we aren't considered poor either. After alot of looking into it I figured it out. There was alot going out that wasn't coming in. Some of it was mismanagement and some of it was just really bad luck (ie: my vehicle has now cost over $6000 in 4 months to fix). And yes, G was the huge mismanager. I allowed it to continue so I'll take some responsibility there. It is very frusterating because it feels like for every step forward there are two back. I know how my son feels sometimes when he's on the floor reaching for something and he can get the tips of his fingers on it but can't get enough for a good grab at it. He eventually gets angry. That's kind of how I feel about this.

I got angry the other day when G was talking about this. He said he was trying to fix things and make them better. That was when he was talking about getting back together. He said, "It's going to take some time and it won't happen over night (true)." Then something to the effect of the waiting isn't that bad. That's where I kind of lost it. It wouldn't be bad for him. He just started! I've been working on this for years now so I've already been waiting. Of course he doesn't understand.

Sorry guys but I was having a pity party the last couple of days. I was just thinking that when you're working your butt off, some spoils to it would be kind of nice. I am glad I eat well, have a roof over my head, a good support group and most of all the best little boy ever. I just know it could be more if I could get out of the rut. Slave to the bank right now and I hate that!

kmagk

I know exactly where you are coming from, my AH who I am separated from, is currently doing well. I am happy for him, but wish he would have figured all this out before our family was torn apart. I don't know if I could take him back not knowing when his next relapse will be. The last time he was sober fro 22mths before he relapsed 3 days before Christmas day and continued in a downward spiral. I don't think me or my 3 kids deserve to go through that again. As much as I love him and the life we had while he was sober, I just have toooooooo many major doubts