Flack From Setting Boundaries
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Flack From Setting Boundaries
It never ceases to amaze me. I was wrestling with a problem yesterday and was seeking a solution. I found it here....
From Language of Letting Go - M. Beattie - Flack from Setting Boundaries[U]
We need to know how far we'll go, and how far we'll allow others to go with us. Once we understand this, we can go anywhere.
When we own our power to take care of ourselves - set a boundary, say no, change an old pattern - we may get flack from some people. That's ok. We don't have to let their reactions control us, stop us, or influence our decision to take care of ourselves.
We don't have to control their reactions to our process of self-care. That is not our responsibility. We don't have to expect them not to react either.
People will react when we do things differently or take assertive action to nuture ourselves, particularly if our decision in some way affects them. Let them have their feelings. Let them have their reactions. But continue on your course anyway.
If people are used to us behaving in a certain way, they'll attempt to convince us to stay that way to avoid changing the system. If people are used to us saying yes all the time, they may start mumbling and murmuring when we say no. If people are used to us taking care of their responsibilities, feelings, and problems, they may give us some flack when we stop. That's normal. We can learn to live with a little flack in the name of healthy self-care. Not abuse, mind you. Flack.
If people are used to controlling us through guilt, bullying, and badgering, they may intensify their efforts when we change and refuse to be controlled. That's okay. That's flack too.
We don't have to let flack pull us back into old ways if we've decided we want and need to change. We don't have to react to flack or give it much attention. It doesn't deserve it. It will die down.
Today, I will disregard any flack I receive for changing my behaviors or making other efforts to be myself.
From Language of Letting Go - M. Beattie - Flack from Setting Boundaries[U]
We need to know how far we'll go, and how far we'll allow others to go with us. Once we understand this, we can go anywhere.
When we own our power to take care of ourselves - set a boundary, say no, change an old pattern - we may get flack from some people. That's ok. We don't have to let their reactions control us, stop us, or influence our decision to take care of ourselves.
We don't have to control their reactions to our process of self-care. That is not our responsibility. We don't have to expect them not to react either.
People will react when we do things differently or take assertive action to nuture ourselves, particularly if our decision in some way affects them. Let them have their feelings. Let them have their reactions. But continue on your course anyway.
If people are used to us behaving in a certain way, they'll attempt to convince us to stay that way to avoid changing the system. If people are used to us saying yes all the time, they may start mumbling and murmuring when we say no. If people are used to us taking care of their responsibilities, feelings, and problems, they may give us some flack when we stop. That's normal. We can learn to live with a little flack in the name of healthy self-care. Not abuse, mind you. Flack.
If people are used to controlling us through guilt, bullying, and badgering, they may intensify their efforts when we change and refuse to be controlled. That's okay. That's flack too.
We don't have to let flack pull us back into old ways if we've decided we want and need to change. We don't have to react to flack or give it much attention. It doesn't deserve it. It will die down.
Today, I will disregard any flack I receive for changing my behaviors or making other efforts to be myself.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
ICU ... thanks for the reminder. I was always seeking permission and approval to set boundaries. Imagine that.
I mean this goes back to when the kids were babies and I remember finding myself "asking", "Okie dokie, it's eight o'clock, do you want to go get ready for bed?" It took me forever to stop asking, and then getting angry because of course their answer was "no!"
Same thing with my boundaries today. I don't need approval and I don't need permission. If I get unsure about my own choices, I can run it by my sponsor or talk about it at a meeting... but NOT with the person who is violating my boundary. Why I continued to do that for so long amazes me.
I mean this goes back to when the kids were babies and I remember finding myself "asking", "Okie dokie, it's eight o'clock, do you want to go get ready for bed?" It took me forever to stop asking, and then getting angry because of course their answer was "no!"
Same thing with my boundaries today. I don't need approval and I don't need permission. If I get unsure about my own choices, I can run it by my sponsor or talk about it at a meeting... but NOT with the person who is violating my boundary. Why I continued to do that for so long amazes me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Over the past several months, I've learned how to set boundaries. Think I'm getting the hang of that. But, setting boundaries is just the first step. The next step is to stand by and defend them, to myself that is.
My recent issue was with reinforcing a broken boundary and not being sure how to handle it. Worrying about how the next step I was anticipating taking would be perceived....forgetting the reasons I set the boundary in the first place, etc.
I finally realized that reinforcing the boundary wasn't enough, and decided I needed to up the ante, so-to-speak. As always my emotions, fear basically, clouded my path to my motives to the original boundary. I guess it's something I need to constantly remind myself of and to keep in the forefront of my mind on a daily basis. Practices makes perfect?? No. More like practice is progress!!
My recent issue was with reinforcing a broken boundary and not being sure how to handle it. Worrying about how the next step I was anticipating taking would be perceived....forgetting the reasons I set the boundary in the first place, etc.
I finally realized that reinforcing the boundary wasn't enough, and decided I needed to up the ante, so-to-speak. As always my emotions, fear basically, clouded my path to my motives to the original boundary. I guess it's something I need to constantly remind myself of and to keep in the forefront of my mind on a daily basis. Practices makes perfect?? No. More like practice is progress!!
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
Wow, thanks for that reading!
On Friday, after being badly used by a woman I was doing some computer work for, I set a boundary and I told her that I would send her files after she sent me my money for 42 hours of work I completed. (I had a very bad feeling at that point that she might not pay for the work)
I didn't just get flack, I basically got world war 3!
She and a friend of hers showed up unnannounced in my town, (they live an hours drive away) and demanded to speak to me in a private place (I suggested a coffee shop and they refused to speak to me there, so we went to my place of business)
They attacked me viciously - they attacked my character, my professional abilities, they threatened me, they intimidated me, they told me that my recovery was completely destroyed (what makes this worse is that both of these people were in Al-anon!!)
I am proud to say that I kept my dignity while this was happening, and I scored a few points of my own. (I had observed this person doing some dishonest things during the week when I was doing the work for her)
Anyway, this is a great reading.
The lesson for me was - When you start setting boundaries and standing up for yourself, watch out!!
On Friday, after being badly used by a woman I was doing some computer work for, I set a boundary and I told her that I would send her files after she sent me my money for 42 hours of work I completed. (I had a very bad feeling at that point that she might not pay for the work)
I didn't just get flack, I basically got world war 3!
She and a friend of hers showed up unnannounced in my town, (they live an hours drive away) and demanded to speak to me in a private place (I suggested a coffee shop and they refused to speak to me there, so we went to my place of business)
They attacked me viciously - they attacked my character, my professional abilities, they threatened me, they intimidated me, they told me that my recovery was completely destroyed (what makes this worse is that both of these people were in Al-anon!!)
I am proud to say that I kept my dignity while this was happening, and I scored a few points of my own. (I had observed this person doing some dishonest things during the week when I was doing the work for her)
Anyway, this is a great reading.
The lesson for me was - When you start setting boundaries and standing up for yourself, watch out!!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I have found in my own situation, that I have gotten pretty good about setting the boundary. However, I really have no consequence for if that boundary is broken.
For example, I may tell ah something that is needed - and he does nothing. I do not allow him back into my home or whatnot, but there tends to be no closure on anything. (Doubt that made sense for anyone that doesn't know my story)
Another thing I have noticed, however, is that some people will give you flack for not having stronger boundaries. While I understand that your parents, your friends, etc can easily see the reasons why you should leave a situation, etc. they aren't always so understanding as to why you don't. But there again, I believe that is because no one can fully understand what it's like to live in this situation until they've been there themselves.
For example, I may tell ah something that is needed - and he does nothing. I do not allow him back into my home or whatnot, but there tends to be no closure on anything. (Doubt that made sense for anyone that doesn't know my story)
Another thing I have noticed, however, is that some people will give you flack for not having stronger boundaries. While I understand that your parents, your friends, etc can easily see the reasons why you should leave a situation, etc. they aren't always so understanding as to why you don't. But there again, I believe that is because no one can fully understand what it's like to live in this situation until they've been there themselves.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by robina
Wow, thanks for that reading!
On Friday, after being badly used by a woman I was doing some computer work for, I set a boundary and I told her that I would send her files after she sent me my money for 42 hours of work I completed. (I had a very bad feeling at that point that she might not pay for the work)
I didn't just get flack, I basically got world war 3!
The lesson for me was - When you start setting boundaries and standing up for yourself, watch out!!
On Friday, after being badly used by a woman I was doing some computer work for, I set a boundary and I told her that I would send her files after she sent me my money for 42 hours of work I completed. (I had a very bad feeling at that point that she might not pay for the work)
I didn't just get flack, I basically got world war 3!
The lesson for me was - When you start setting boundaries and standing up for yourself, watch out!!
Another testament to trusting one's 'gut' feeling!
It may have gotten you flack, and then some, but at least you stood your ground!
It was bad enough how these 'An-Anoners' treated you; just imagine if they had been alcoholics!!!!
When you make and enforce boundaries, it can be hard to deal with the reactions of others! Just have to realize that their reactions are their issues, not yours.
Hope you got paid!! Also hope you can sever your professional ties with them. That kind of drama for money just isn't worth it, in my opinion.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by StandingStrong
Another thing I have noticed, however, is that some people will give you flack for not having stronger boundaries. While I understand that your parents, your friends, etc can easily see the reasons why you should leave a situation, etc. they aren't always so understanding as to why you don't. But there again, I believe that is because no one can fully understand what it's like to live in this situation until they've been there themselves.
It's true, until they have walked a mile in your shoes, they won't understand.
Because we have been in similiar situations, us folks here in this forum have a 'much better understanding', but of course, don't fully understand how the other person feels either for the exact same reasons. Hope that came out right.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
