so many tears, for ME not him...
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
so many tears, for ME not him...
Hi everyone,
I hadn't been to my meeting in quite sometime, and last night I dragged myself out the door. I thought that I had nothing to contribute but when it was my turn to share, it all came pouring out. I told of how empty I feel every day; i feel I have nothing that fullfills my soul, nothing that makes me happy - and here I am with 2 beautiful boys, and a loving husband, and a business of our own. I told of how for so many years I have hated my self; hated the way I look, and hated that I am "dumb", "insignificant" and "worthless". I base my life on how it all looks on the outside and deeply value what others think and say about me and my family. It doesn't surprise me that I ended up marrying an alcoholic, because he was needy... he needed ME - made me feel of value. Now that my husband is seeeking recovery, he isn't as needy and I don't have as much to focus on... I am not MAD anymore because he came home drunk again, or spent all our money - because he doesn't do that any longer. It has all forced me to look at myself , and THAT is scary. I have nothing, I have acheived nothing... I feel nothing.
Meg
I hadn't been to my meeting in quite sometime, and last night I dragged myself out the door. I thought that I had nothing to contribute but when it was my turn to share, it all came pouring out. I told of how empty I feel every day; i feel I have nothing that fullfills my soul, nothing that makes me happy - and here I am with 2 beautiful boys, and a loving husband, and a business of our own. I told of how for so many years I have hated my self; hated the way I look, and hated that I am "dumb", "insignificant" and "worthless". I base my life on how it all looks on the outside and deeply value what others think and say about me and my family. It doesn't surprise me that I ended up marrying an alcoholic, because he was needy... he needed ME - made me feel of value. Now that my husband is seeeking recovery, he isn't as needy and I don't have as much to focus on... I am not MAD anymore because he came home drunk again, or spent all our money - because he doesn't do that any longer. It has all forced me to look at myself , and THAT is scary. I have nothing, I have acheived nothing... I feel nothing.
Meg
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: upstate, ny
Posts: 135
welcome meg,
i'm sorry you are feeling this right now, but i 'm sure it will pass. you went to a meetimg, great. you spoke, even better. you need to let recovery work for you and it will. it's not easy, and the emotions that you may experience will be insane. you just told us about the good things you have. your kids and husband in recovery. you are being way too hard on yourself. you are who you are, and if you're anything like me, the living with drinking and drugging changed me into a person that i really wasn't. grieve for your pain, but know that god loves you and is there for you. you are worthy and have been thru a storm. sometimes it takes a while to pick up the pieces and sort thru what needs repair. you can do it, and so glad you're here. recovery is a slow but wonderful process. today, look at it as a beautiful new begining and be kind to yourself and remember, this wasn't your fault, you had to adapt and now things will get better.
bug hugs from sugar
i'm sorry you are feeling this right now, but i 'm sure it will pass. you went to a meetimg, great. you spoke, even better. you need to let recovery work for you and it will. it's not easy, and the emotions that you may experience will be insane. you just told us about the good things you have. your kids and husband in recovery. you are being way too hard on yourself. you are who you are, and if you're anything like me, the living with drinking and drugging changed me into a person that i really wasn't. grieve for your pain, but know that god loves you and is there for you. you are worthy and have been thru a storm. sometimes it takes a while to pick up the pieces and sort thru what needs repair. you can do it, and so glad you're here. recovery is a slow but wonderful process. today, look at it as a beautiful new begining and be kind to yourself and remember, this wasn't your fault, you had to adapt and now things will get better.
bug hugs from sugar
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Meg
You said it yourself, you have 2 beautiful boys, a loving husband and a business. I call that quite an achievement. And I know from your posts here that you are one strong and terrific lady!!
Take some time just for you, try a new hairdo, pamper yourself and maybe try a hobby that you always wanted to try. You may be amazed at all the talent that is laying dorment right now. These Canadian winters are a great time to work on ourselves.
Sending hugs and nudges to get you to try something new. Just for you. Cause you're worth it!!!
You said it yourself, you have 2 beautiful boys, a loving husband and a business. I call that quite an achievement. And I know from your posts here that you are one strong and terrific lady!!
Take some time just for you, try a new hairdo, pamper yourself and maybe try a hobby that you always wanted to try. You may be amazed at all the talent that is laying dorment right now. These Canadian winters are a great time to work on ourselves.
Sending hugs and nudges to get you to try something new. Just for you. Cause you're worth it!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
Hi Emotional Meg!
YOU HAVE SOMETHING, YOU HAVE ACHEIVED MANY THINGS, and
YOU SHOULD FEEL WORTH ALOT!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know it is hard. We all feel down in the dumps time and again.
You have a gold mine and need to re-discover it.
Things will get better and you will feel better about yourself soon!
Do something for yourself like Anns said.
All the best,
matters
YOU HAVE SOMETHING, YOU HAVE ACHEIVED MANY THINGS, and
YOU SHOULD FEEL WORTH ALOT!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know it is hard. We all feel down in the dumps time and again.
You have a gold mine and need to re-discover it.
Things will get better and you will feel better about yourself soon!
Do something for yourself like Anns said.
All the best,
matters
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Thanks anns and sugar,
I DO feel a touch better tonight. It's funny because the more negetivity you allow into your life, the more you get. All day today, that nagging little voice in my head was saying "you are worthless, you've got nothing to offer..." And I moped around in quite a MOOD, perhaps hoping that someone would scoop me up and make it all better. When that didn't happen, and when I felt at my lowest, I decided that I should get out of the house. I called up my mother in law (we are very close, believe it or not!) to go to bingo. It was something I hadn't done in ages, and it felt great. It was as simple as removing myself from the nest of depression I had made for myself, and letting it go... And I won 3 times!!:shades:
I am still feeling a little lost, but I am NOT giving up just yet.
Meg
I DO feel a touch better tonight. It's funny because the more negetivity you allow into your life, the more you get. All day today, that nagging little voice in my head was saying "you are worthless, you've got nothing to offer..." And I moped around in quite a MOOD, perhaps hoping that someone would scoop me up and make it all better. When that didn't happen, and when I felt at my lowest, I decided that I should get out of the house. I called up my mother in law (we are very close, believe it or not!) to go to bingo. It was something I hadn't done in ages, and it felt great. It was as simple as removing myself from the nest of depression I had made for myself, and letting it go... And I won 3 times!!:shades:
I am still feeling a little lost, but I am NOT giving up just yet.
Meg
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: upstate, ny
Posts: 135
meg,
you are a winner. you did it, you took care of you. that's all you can do right now and i'm proud of you.nice role model for all of the rest of us. bingo anyone, (i'll try anything to get out of the house, ha, ha) typical codependent remark,"if it wasn't for bad luck, i wouldn't have any luck at all",
hugs from sugar
you are a winner. you did it, you took care of you. that's all you can do right now and i'm proud of you.nice role model for all of the rest of us. bingo anyone, (i'll try anything to get out of the house, ha, ha) typical codependent remark,"if it wasn't for bad luck, i wouldn't have any luck at all",
hugs from sugar
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Hi Meg, What an inspiration you are to me. I believe you when you descibe that depressed thinking pattern. Temporarily we loose sight of the goodness in our life and the feelings of accomplishment we have had. The black mood moves in and covers over almost all the light. It is a very scary experience that I have had many many times. But like you, when the black mood comes now, I remind myself that it is only temporary and that it is false and that the light will come back. And then I try to do something that contridicts the mood, like sharing on this message board, or going to Bingo, or making a phone call to an Alanon friend. Each time it gets a little easier to reach out this way because each time the relief comes and I have a little more faith. Hang in there, you are in the middle of tremendous change, you are making excellent progress. I am proud of you and proud to know you. Please keep sharing with us, it helps me more than I can say. Happy Friday!
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