WHY ARE OTHERS MAKING IT SO EASY ON HIM??? hes not dealing with the alcohol!! ARRGHHH
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: st. petersburg
Posts: 13
WHY ARE OTHERS MAKING IT SO EASY ON HIM??? hes not dealing with the alcohol!! ARRGHHH
Well if you read my previous post you will hear my story...I then read prettywomans post and we are one in the same...both our men have been kicked out (by us) and both are now at home with parents who are letting them sleep in all day and go out and party all night and they are not saying anything..He told me to never tell his mom...even though Im sure she knows(though he hides his earlier day drinking...so funny now that he moved up there he says oh I only drink at night now no more a.m drinking...Yeah becuase his mom says he sleeps everyday until 4 P.M
4PM...THAT IS FREAKIN RIDICULOUS
She just lost her husband 3 years ago and his sister who had a promising career moved in becuase mom is a hermet AND DOESNT WANT TO BE ALONE...now she is one to. Its like there all in this depressed state and now hes there contributing to it...The last time I talked to his mom she said she couldnt wait till he moved...but she would never make him becuase she is lonely and he drives them around(they live in amish country)
WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE THERE ...BECUASE THEY ARE MAKING SITUATION WORSE AND THEY DONT EVEN KNOW IT.
I feel if he was on his own he would wake up...but now they have it so comfy for him he is just hangin out some more
AND THE TIME JUST KEEPS SLIPPING AWAY.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
4PM...THAT IS FREAKIN RIDICULOUS
She just lost her husband 3 years ago and his sister who had a promising career moved in becuase mom is a hermet AND DOESNT WANT TO BE ALONE...now she is one to. Its like there all in this depressed state and now hes there contributing to it...The last time I talked to his mom she said she couldnt wait till he moved...but she would never make him becuase she is lonely and he drives them around(they live in amish country)
WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BE THERE ...BECUASE THEY ARE MAKING SITUATION WORSE AND THEY DONT EVEN KNOW IT.
I feel if he was on his own he would wake up...but now they have it so comfy for him he is just hangin out some more
AND THE TIME JUST KEEPS SLIPPING AWAY.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Delight
Sadly, you can't change him and you can't change his family. They are as sick as he is in their own way, or they are so new at this that they just haven't caught on yet.
The world is as full of enablers as it is of addicts and alcoholics. I know because I used to be one (enabler). My son is an addict and it took me a long time to recognize that my problem was as serious as his.
You can't change them, but you can change yourself and become a happy healthy person again. It takes time and it takes work, but baby step by baby step we step out of the darkness into the light of recovery.
If you haven't already gone to Al-Anon meetings, you might want to try them. It is a wonderful place to meet others who share your problems and who can guide you through working the 12 steps.
Sadly, you can't change him and you can't change his family. They are as sick as he is in their own way, or they are so new at this that they just haven't caught on yet.
The world is as full of enablers as it is of addicts and alcoholics. I know because I used to be one (enabler). My son is an addict and it took me a long time to recognize that my problem was as serious as his.
You can't change them, but you can change yourself and become a happy healthy person again. It takes time and it takes work, but baby step by baby step we step out of the darkness into the light of recovery.
If you haven't already gone to Al-Anon meetings, you might want to try them. It is a wonderful place to meet others who share your problems and who can guide you through working the 12 steps.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Yeah, what Ann said
It sounds like his family is enabling him big time. And while I know it's frustrating, it's something that you have no control over. God bless them all, I hope they learn how to be happier, healthier people at some point.
Try to take this time to focus on you and what you need. It took me a while after my ex left to realize that what happens outside of my house is not my problem anymore. And I know that it's very easy to dabble in it when you hear about it. But life works better for me when I leave the trouble that exists outside my four walls out there. And I don't claim to be perfect at that yet, just better than I used to be.
Hugs to you delight. I know what it's like to have your frustration level go through the roof. I sometimes think that we would all be saner people if we had a room with a punching bag where we could work it all out on an inanimate object.
Peace,
Gabe
Try to take this time to focus on you and what you need. It took me a while after my ex left to realize that what happens outside of my house is not my problem anymore. And I know that it's very easy to dabble in it when you hear about it. But life works better for me when I leave the trouble that exists outside my four walls out there. And I don't claim to be perfect at that yet, just better than I used to be.
Hugs to you delight. I know what it's like to have your frustration level go through the roof. I sometimes think that we would all be saner people if we had a room with a punching bag where we could work it all out on an inanimate object.
Peace,
Gabe
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: upstate, ny
Posts: 135
dear delight,
it sounds like you are living thru a hurtful, frustrating time right now. i think you showed a lot of strength to have him leave and it is still hard to let go. i've thrown my husband out a million times and his family ( heavy drinkers would take him in and drink with him. ) i used to get so mad, when i would throw him out and it didn't get me what i wanted. i always threw him out to make him stop using, and to deprive him of the comforts of our home and punish him. lots of times it didn't work. action and reaction. i think it's really frustrating illness. i know that i was so angry with him, and at his family. what i've come to know now or maybe because i'm not mad right now, is that his family loves him, they were there before i was, and his problems are his.
maybe you could try a different attitude towards the whole thing. commend his mom for taking in her son. talk to her on a level of compassion that you know him being there helps ease her lonliness, but you love him too and understand that he's a good man, but he has drug or alcohol problems that he needs to work on.maybe she would go to a alanon meeting if she feels that their family needs to get healthy. just a thought , and i would really protyect yourself from too much association with the situation right now. try and stay busy and happy and let the good lord guide your husband and try real hard to keep your hands off. you are a strong woman i can tell, and you need to channel your strength back at yourself . it's called detachment and it could help change both of your lives for better. you are in my prayers and keep coming back.
hugsfrom sugar
it sounds like you are living thru a hurtful, frustrating time right now. i think you showed a lot of strength to have him leave and it is still hard to let go. i've thrown my husband out a million times and his family ( heavy drinkers would take him in and drink with him. ) i used to get so mad, when i would throw him out and it didn't get me what i wanted. i always threw him out to make him stop using, and to deprive him of the comforts of our home and punish him. lots of times it didn't work. action and reaction. i think it's really frustrating illness. i know that i was so angry with him, and at his family. what i've come to know now or maybe because i'm not mad right now, is that his family loves him, they were there before i was, and his problems are his.
maybe you could try a different attitude towards the whole thing. commend his mom for taking in her son. talk to her on a level of compassion that you know him being there helps ease her lonliness, but you love him too and understand that he's a good man, but he has drug or alcohol problems that he needs to work on.maybe she would go to a alanon meeting if she feels that their family needs to get healthy. just a thought , and i would really protyect yourself from too much association with the situation right now. try and stay busy and happy and let the good lord guide your husband and try real hard to keep your hands off. you are a strong woman i can tell, and you need to channel your strength back at yourself . it's called detachment and it could help change both of your lives for better. you are in my prayers and keep coming back.
hugsfrom sugar
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
It Begins With "ME"
I agree. The families can be enablers big time. Just as with him, his family sees it, knows it and still are quiet about it but that too will have an end some day because the stress is already there in that family and when it builds up enough it will be an explosion this I know will be.I know I did the right thing even though it hurts me. I am taking this one day at a time and today I said to myself I am not going to worry anymore about this. I am letting go. I am a strong, smart beautiful European woman and I have always been a happy woman. I am blessed to be pregnant and am so looking forward to my baby being on earth. It is my miracle and I am enjoying this every moment of the day. I find that no matter what we do or say it will not change the A. We can only give it to our HP and let him handle it because for everything in life, good or bad, there is a reason. I to thought that I could but realized very quickly that I can't. It is exhausting to even want to not along do. Every action to "HELP" is useless because the A does not see it. Just like we can't set back time. Changes always come and so they must, good or bad and we must learn to adjust. We can heal and get better and be healthy to have a healthy relationship with a healthy person that will give us healthy love but until we truly love ourselves and are happy with ourselves and give healthy love, we can't expect to receive healthy love. I am going to fall in love with myself again, this is my goal. Each and every day, one day at a time I am falling in love with me, by being still and enjoying every moment of this precious life we have for tomorrow is not promised to us.
I made a little "GOD BOX" today. This can be any little box you want to make or buy. Each time I have a problem or feel sad and alone, I write it down on a little piece of paper and I place it in that box and say 'God I am giving this to you for I can not fix this and trust that you will take care of it and know best". When I feel that "wanting to fix" mode again I walk over to my GOD BOX and open it and take the little piece of paper out and say "God, you can not handle this problem for me so therefore I am taking it all upon myself to deal with because I can do this much better than you can" WRONG! as I realize this that I am not higher then my HP I place it back into the box to allow my HP to take care of it and trust in him to know best. Trusting in the HP is wonderful because only he knows.
I believe that once we make healthy choices and changes within ourselves through AlAnon, CODA and any other support groups as well as this one here that our lives WILL CHANGE. People will see us in a different light as we see ourselves be more loving with us. Regaining self respect, confidence and the real "us" back will make changes for the better.
It begins with "US" ! so let it begin with "YOU". I know that for today, right now it will begin with "ME" and I am so proud of myself for knowing that I can do this and I will. I refuse to give up on me because I love myself.
I made a little "GOD BOX" today. This can be any little box you want to make or buy. Each time I have a problem or feel sad and alone, I write it down on a little piece of paper and I place it in that box and say 'God I am giving this to you for I can not fix this and trust that you will take care of it and know best". When I feel that "wanting to fix" mode again I walk over to my GOD BOX and open it and take the little piece of paper out and say "God, you can not handle this problem for me so therefore I am taking it all upon myself to deal with because I can do this much better than you can" WRONG! as I realize this that I am not higher then my HP I place it back into the box to allow my HP to take care of it and trust in him to know best. Trusting in the HP is wonderful because only he knows.
I believe that once we make healthy choices and changes within ourselves through AlAnon, CODA and any other support groups as well as this one here that our lives WILL CHANGE. People will see us in a different light as we see ourselves be more loving with us. Regaining self respect, confidence and the real "us" back will make changes for the better.
It begins with "US" ! so let it begin with "YOU". I know that for today, right now it will begin with "ME" and I am so proud of myself for knowing that I can do this and I will. I refuse to give up on me because I love myself.
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