Need Help From The Source
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Tenneessee
Posts: 30
Need Help From The Source
Please I need some help or suggestions: 
I was always told to go to the source - so here’s my problem:
My AH drank for the 1st 25 years of our marriage, went to treatment in 1993 (inpatient) for 6 weeks. On his discharge he went to 1 or 2 AA meetings and refused to return - gave no good reason - said he became aware the people there continued to drink and he did not want to be exposed to it.
Late 2004 I begin to believe he was drinking again. Early 2005 I learned the truth - he was drinking Vodka in his garage. I confronted him and ALL Hell broke lose, he said he started drinking again because he could not handle my mini strokes in 11-2004 and the near lose of my mother in 11-2004.
I left him 6-2005, since I left he’s made “no” attempts to seek treatment, attend AA or stop drinking. It’s been 8 months now since I left, we have daily contact - phone & at our house or my apartment. Last night I got up the nerve to let him know what's going on with me - my meds have increased & very close to a break down. We met for supper - his attitude has not changed, blames me for everything and is still mad that “I” left him.
He refuses to attend AA or go to counseling, told me to come home if I wanted to. He does not talk much and has problems expressing himself. I can’t tell you the last time he told me he loved me - but he has said he doesn’t know if he still loves me. He continues to have “one liners” towards me. He’s very good at insults and letting me know I done wrong.
We will be married 37 years in 6-2006, I can’t believe we are going through all this at our ages, 55 & 54.
“Can anyone tell me WHY he won’t or is afraid to attend AA ?”
Thanks for listening,.
HadToLeave
You can send a private e-mail message - I need to understand the other side of all this.
I was always told to go to the source - so here’s my problem:
My AH drank for the 1st 25 years of our marriage, went to treatment in 1993 (inpatient) for 6 weeks. On his discharge he went to 1 or 2 AA meetings and refused to return - gave no good reason - said he became aware the people there continued to drink and he did not want to be exposed to it.
Late 2004 I begin to believe he was drinking again. Early 2005 I learned the truth - he was drinking Vodka in his garage. I confronted him and ALL Hell broke lose, he said he started drinking again because he could not handle my mini strokes in 11-2004 and the near lose of my mother in 11-2004.
I left him 6-2005, since I left he’s made “no” attempts to seek treatment, attend AA or stop drinking. It’s been 8 months now since I left, we have daily contact - phone & at our house or my apartment. Last night I got up the nerve to let him know what's going on with me - my meds have increased & very close to a break down. We met for supper - his attitude has not changed, blames me for everything and is still mad that “I” left him.
He refuses to attend AA or go to counseling, told me to come home if I wanted to. He does not talk much and has problems expressing himself. I can’t tell you the last time he told me he loved me - but he has said he doesn’t know if he still loves me. He continues to have “one liners” towards me. He’s very good at insults and letting me know I done wrong.
We will be married 37 years in 6-2006, I can’t believe we are going through all this at our ages, 55 & 54.
“Can anyone tell me WHY he won’t or is afraid to attend AA ?”
Thanks for listening,.
HadToLeave
You can send a private e-mail message - I need to understand the other side of all this.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I see you have found our Friends and Family forum.
When I was dealing with 2 of my childrens various addictions
I found Al anon meetings beneficial.
Eventually I gave them to God and stepped away.
Blessings to you and your husband.
When I was dealing with 2 of my childrens various addictions
I found Al anon meetings beneficial.
Eventually I gave them to God and stepped away.
Blessings to you and your husband.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
My issues, my problems, my denial, and where I don't want to accept the truth that it is my-self that needs deal with things... I will blame you.
Fully understand that his one liners and attitude that he directs at you are not because of you. His denial and lack of acceptance has him not go to meetings and has him push the blame on others.
You didn't cause it.
You can't fix it.
His issues are his and he will need to accept them and want change before he will change.
Fully understand that his one liners and attitude that he directs at you are not because of you. His denial and lack of acceptance has him not go to meetings and has him push the blame on others.
You didn't cause it.
You can't fix it.
His issues are his and he will need to accept them and want change before he will change.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
IMHO and experience, he doesn't go to meetings or stop drinking because he is not sick and tired of being sick and tired. Until he reaches the point where he wants to quit more than he wants to drink don't look for any changes. And don't hold your breath either. There are many people who die in this disease and never do anything about it.
Having said that, in no way do your health problems or those of your mom cause him to drink. They are merely excuses and a way for him to deny his own stuff by shifting the blame to you and others. Alcoholics are masters of lying, deception, manipulation and denial. They are also miserable and have no compunctions about taking you down there with them, especially if they can blame you for their problems and you allow it.
Having said all that, you did not cause his problems and you do not have to accept any of the blame for his problems. Refuse to dance this little dance. You don't say why you see him daily but if you can not see him I would highly recommend it. Get away from the situation, don't allow him to drag you down and blame you, don't put yourself in the path to listen to his oneliners. Focus on you and doing what you have to do to get yourself healthy both physically and mentally. I would highly recommend that you attend al-anon. You will find many people who have been in the same boat and you will learn how to let him deal with his own stuff without if affecting you.
Hugs,
Kellye
Having said that, in no way do your health problems or those of your mom cause him to drink. They are merely excuses and a way for him to deny his own stuff by shifting the blame to you and others. Alcoholics are masters of lying, deception, manipulation and denial. They are also miserable and have no compunctions about taking you down there with them, especially if they can blame you for their problems and you allow it.
Having said all that, you did not cause his problems and you do not have to accept any of the blame for his problems. Refuse to dance this little dance. You don't say why you see him daily but if you can not see him I would highly recommend it. Get away from the situation, don't allow him to drag you down and blame you, don't put yourself in the path to listen to his oneliners. Focus on you and doing what you have to do to get yourself healthy both physically and mentally. I would highly recommend that you attend al-anon. You will find many people who have been in the same boat and you will learn how to let him deal with his own stuff without if affecting you.
Hugs,
Kellye
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Alcoholics will use any excuse to rationalize their behaviour even if it is to discredit Alcoholics Anonymous.
Your husband has made his choice. He has made it quite obvious to you that he has no plans of changing.
It is now your turn to choose.
Do you want to move back into the relationship under the current terms ? Or will you grieve your losses and move on ?
54 is not old and you can still find many years of peace ahead of you.
Your husband has made his choice. He has made it quite obvious to you that he has no plans of changing.
It is now your turn to choose.
Do you want to move back into the relationship under the current terms ? Or will you grieve your losses and move on ?
54 is not old and you can still find many years of peace ahead of you.
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