minnie

When I first discovered SR, my world was very small. I lived with an alcoholic and a cat in a cottage surrounded by farmland with 2 neighbouring houses, although we saw the occupants rarely. We ran a business from the house and only occasionally did I go out to see clients. My family were over 200 miles away and we visited each other as often as possible, although distance and time meant that wasn’t as often as I would have liked. R’s family were double that distance, although we only made trips to see them on my encouragement. I had some friends, although most of them were people I had met over the years and didn’t live in my area. So my day to day world consisted of me, the cat, R and the huge elephant in the living room.

I first came to SR seeking help for R. But I stayed because I found help for me. My world started to open up once I realised that there were people thousands of miles away who were going through the exact same experience that I was. Four months later I started counselling and Al-anon within a week of each other. I was able to speak to people face-to-face who understood me, who helped me to chip away at my isolation. I started to get this sense that there was more to life than how I was living and I started to realise that I could get what I needed from other sources than R. I had started to see the Bigger Picture.

I clearly remember watching a football match on TV one Sunday afternoon. As the camera panned around the crowd, I was struck by the thought that I was looking at a load of people I hadn’t met and that there was a whole world out there that I was missing out on because I was so focussed on what was going on inside my own four walls, and more particularly, what was going on inside R's head.

This led me to think of my life as a time-line. Here I was, age 31, and I was feeling so oppressed and overwhelmed by problems with a guy I had been in a relationship for only 10% of my life to date! What happened to the 28 years preceding this relationship? Weren’t they important too? And the years to come? What was I going to do with those, given that I had already felt I was living a Groundhog Day for the past 2 years? At the same time, I was learning fast about detachment and thinking about the bigger picture seemed to tie in nicely for me. Not to mention an Al-anon meeting on “How Important is it?” around the same time. Funny how these things work, isn’t it?

I only have this life one time. I will be damned if I am going to spend it at the beck and call of someone else’s issues. And guess what? All that time that I spent worrying, haranguing, nagging, researching, coaxing and shouting were for nothing. No sooner had I left than R found a new enabler. Thank goodness I had learned that where I place my focus is vitally important. My place in MY world, as well as the big, wide world, is what matters, not my place in someone else’s world.

I needed to remind myself of this today.

megamysterioso

Thank you for this insightful post Minnie. The world of an A and his/her codie is a lonely and isolated one that limits the codie's focus on the A and the problems surrounding the A entirely. I think all too often I have focused my energy on this and only this while the entire world ticked away outside. In the big scope of things, our problems are by no means the "be all end all."

Just as you said, I have only been with my A for about 10% of my life and I'm only 34 right now. There is only ONE life and the big picture should be the absolute focus of any codie seeking peace and happiness. I was a happy woman before him- an independent woman, a fun-loving, person that loved to travel and experience as many of life's offerings as possible. Since being with him, I really feel that my world has narrowed.

Lately, I have really been analyzing the "big picture" and trying to see if I can see my A in it with me (he is not drinking as much as before and is tolerable to be around). I can honestly say no. For example, we now rent an apartment and I would like to buy a home soon. We live in an area with a very hot real estate market and buying a home would simply be very smart for anyone here right now. I feel like I can't even do this any time soon (lease expires in 5 months) b/c I have a fear of buying a home together with my A (will we stay together?, will I feel like "the house" is a ball and chain?, will we "fight over" the house if we get divorced?) I feel like my life is on hold and if this feeling of mine does not change soon, I have no choice other than to leave my A so that I can live my life and strive for my own big picture.

Thanks for starting this thread.

warriorprincess

minnie, you are so brave and wise. can we do a "being john malkovich" and you can get in my head and tell me what to do with my life? kidding/not kidding. wish it were that easy.

StandingStrong

Minnie - Thank You so much for your post.

I remember when I'd been here at SR for awhile, I realized that people that had a lot of recovery under their belt seemed to be a tad bit more "insensitve" than others.
I came to realize that it wasn't so much that they were insensitive as much as they had grown.
For the new people (as well as myself), I'm glad that you posted the above. It shows that you are human and shows that "you have been there". Your posts are so full of growth Minnie that sometimes I think it's easy to feel in awe of you here at SR. And I'm glad to see you posting an experience of your own.

Truly, I always look forward to reading what you have to write - and the above was no exception.
You've come sooo far Minnie and it shows. Thank you again for sharing and giving us food for thought (as always)

LaTeeDa

You are so right, Minnie. I keep telling myself that this is my life, the only one I get. And I will not waste one more day of it trying to solve someone else's problems. I have enough problems of my own, thank you very much.

L

equus

I think a loss of perspective is a big part of lots of suffering - we focus on the problem and zone out the amazing amount of good stuff that happens every day.

Sometimes it helps me to think in terms of my whole life, sometimes I find it helpful to think in terms of a few centuries - then any problem looks little!!

Five

Nice post Minnie.

For a horrific moment I thought you said you were living with an alcoholic cat.

Pick-a-name

Thank you, Minnie. Well said. I think I'll print this out as a reminder.

minnie

Five - she gets a bit giddy sometimes, but I don't think she's an alcoholic. Although who am I to diagnose anyone else?

I know I don't share as much as I once did and that is for many reasons. Most importantly is that I am taking legal action against my ex who is an extremely manipulative man. It takes a lot of effort to edit posts so that things can't be used against me, potentially.

Another reason is that I am not interested in living in the past and staying in the horror that, in hindsight, was my life with R. My recovery and my future is what I want to dwell on now. Besides, my story is here for all to read in my past posts.

And blimey, please don't anyone be in awe of me - I just had good teachers.

Five

Good news Minnie.
I like hearing positive stuff, gives me hope.