Children who witness domestic abuse
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Children who witness domestic abuse
They are the invisible victims -- peering eyes and straining ears -- watching and listening in horror to the kicks and punches and shouts. They are the children who witness one parent brutalizing another.
Usually it is a father savaging a mother with fists or words or both. Usually it is a mess -- loud, ugly and vulgar. Sometimes there is blood. Always there is unfathomable anger.
Every year at least 3 to 17 million American children are exposed to this at-home violence, according to Richard Gellis, a University of Rhode Island professor who has spent 25 years researching domestic violence. This sometimes daily shattering of the family order is a betrayal by the very people they depend on for security. Most kids never recover.
Last year, 1,421 women died at the hands of their husbands or partners. Gellis says that in three quarters of those cases, a child was watching.
Most kids don't have a chance to unravel the complicated trauma resulting from observing violence. Instead they must spend years under the specter of a violent father and demoralized mother.
The experts -- psychologists, researchers, sociologists and child advocates -- fault "the system" for not rescuing these children.
There are shelters and programs to protect battered women; the legal system is supposed to chase the battering man. But unless children are themselves abused, they are frequently left to shuffle behind a shell-shocked mother on her road to assistance or simply live amid violence.
"When people rush in to help a family caught up in violence, the children are too often forgotten," says Deanne Tilton Durfee, Executive director of the Los Angeles County Inter-Agency Council on Child Abuse and Neglect. There may be action to remove custody of the children from the father, but across the country there will be no special attention to their emotional needs, adds Durfee, who is also chair of the U.S. Advisory Board on Child Abuse.
In an experimental program to coordinate services for victimized children in Tampa, Florida police are being trained to at least be aware if there are children home when they respond to domestic abuse calls.
As part of this project a new question was added to the police incident report: "Is a Child Present?" If that box is checked, several other questions are asked and the information about the children is fed into a computer that draws reports from other agencies that deal with children.
About half the children who witness their mother being beaten are also abused themselves, numerous studies confirm. But Gellie says it's actually much worse for the children to watch abuse than to receive it.
"The learning experience is stronger," he says. "There are more suicide attempts, more dysfunction in school, more likelihood of violence later in life, more withdrawal. More everything."
Witnessing domestic violence affects children of different ages in different ways. The problems can start in the womb.
Several studies suggest that mothers who report high levels of stress during pregnancy, such as from violence, tend to have babies who are hyperactive and developmentally delayed. Very young children often have the worst physical reactions. One psychologist recalled treating a toddler who would spontaneously get diarrhea every time his parents started fighting. More typically the younger children exhibit a type of social autism: They speak very little, show self-destructive behavior, cling to their caretakers and suffer short-term depression, sleep disorders and heavy separation anxiety.
Older children and teenagers tend to try to get in between their parents in what has been dubbed "the Bill Clinton phenomenon." As a young teen, Clinton reportedly stood up to his mother's second husband several times, but on one pivotal occasion in 1960 grabbed his stepfather by the arm, "Hear me. Never ever touch my mother again."
The children who seem to suffer the most are ages 5 to 10, according to most experts. They know what's going on but they're too little and too weak to do anything about it. They experience hopelessness and sometimes thoughts of suicide; they often get headaches and stomachaches; they can become utterly passive and numb, or uncontrollably violent.
While these child witnesses have a greater chance of being violent relationships -- about 40 percent repeat the behavior of their parents -- as many are in danger of becoming numb, desensitized adults who have no relationships at all.
At 42, Barbara Corry runs a private consulting company in Alhambra, California, to educate groups about domestic abuse. But telling her life story is her real work. For she provides compelling testimony of the ugly legacy of domestic abuse.
"When I came along I was supposed to make things better," she says. "But all my birth did was bring another person into a not good situation."
Corry says her father was an alcoholic who would return home from work drunk two and three times a week and scream at her mother. He would charge at her mother. He would charge at her with a fist in her face; yell at her; keep her awake for hours raging that the lettuce on his sandwich was limp or that she hadn't sewn his shirt right. Once or twice he punched her, but mostly he restrained himself physically -- which only seemed to increase the intensity of his verbal abuse.
"My mother was raised very traditionally, so when she couldn't take it anymore, she went to see the priest," says Corry, referring to a time before she was born and her brother was 7. "The priest told her to pray for my father and try to be a better wife. He instructed her to have another baby to make things better."
As Corry got a little older, she would try to intervene between her parents.
"My cries and my pleas would distract my father or somehow cut the circuits. But it never stopped him." Corry explains that although she has conquered her compulsive eating problems and made great strides in understanding her family, she has been unable to have a relationship of her own.
"I saw that it is possible to devastate a person's personality and spirit," she says, her voice halting and shaky. "You've got to prove to me you're not a (jerk) before I get involved. It's all terror-based."
Usually it is a father savaging a mother with fists or words or both. Usually it is a mess -- loud, ugly and vulgar. Sometimes there is blood. Always there is unfathomable anger.
Every year at least 3 to 17 million American children are exposed to this at-home violence, according to Richard Gellis, a University of Rhode Island professor who has spent 25 years researching domestic violence. This sometimes daily shattering of the family order is a betrayal by the very people they depend on for security. Most kids never recover.
Last year, 1,421 women died at the hands of their husbands or partners. Gellis says that in three quarters of those cases, a child was watching.
Most kids don't have a chance to unravel the complicated trauma resulting from observing violence. Instead they must spend years under the specter of a violent father and demoralized mother.
The experts -- psychologists, researchers, sociologists and child advocates -- fault "the system" for not rescuing these children.
There are shelters and programs to protect battered women; the legal system is supposed to chase the battering man. But unless children are themselves abused, they are frequently left to shuffle behind a shell-shocked mother on her road to assistance or simply live amid violence.
"When people rush in to help a family caught up in violence, the children are too often forgotten," says Deanne Tilton Durfee, Executive director of the Los Angeles County Inter-Agency Council on Child Abuse and Neglect. There may be action to remove custody of the children from the father, but across the country there will be no special attention to their emotional needs, adds Durfee, who is also chair of the U.S. Advisory Board on Child Abuse.
In an experimental program to coordinate services for victimized children in Tampa, Florida police are being trained to at least be aware if there are children home when they respond to domestic abuse calls.
As part of this project a new question was added to the police incident report: "Is a Child Present?" If that box is checked, several other questions are asked and the information about the children is fed into a computer that draws reports from other agencies that deal with children.
About half the children who witness their mother being beaten are also abused themselves, numerous studies confirm. But Gellie says it's actually much worse for the children to watch abuse than to receive it.
"The learning experience is stronger," he says. "There are more suicide attempts, more dysfunction in school, more likelihood of violence later in life, more withdrawal. More everything."
Witnessing domestic violence affects children of different ages in different ways. The problems can start in the womb.
Several studies suggest that mothers who report high levels of stress during pregnancy, such as from violence, tend to have babies who are hyperactive and developmentally delayed. Very young children often have the worst physical reactions. One psychologist recalled treating a toddler who would spontaneously get diarrhea every time his parents started fighting. More typically the younger children exhibit a type of social autism: They speak very little, show self-destructive behavior, cling to their caretakers and suffer short-term depression, sleep disorders and heavy separation anxiety.
Older children and teenagers tend to try to get in between their parents in what has been dubbed "the Bill Clinton phenomenon." As a young teen, Clinton reportedly stood up to his mother's second husband several times, but on one pivotal occasion in 1960 grabbed his stepfather by the arm, "Hear me. Never ever touch my mother again."
The children who seem to suffer the most are ages 5 to 10, according to most experts. They know what's going on but they're too little and too weak to do anything about it. They experience hopelessness and sometimes thoughts of suicide; they often get headaches and stomachaches; they can become utterly passive and numb, or uncontrollably violent.
While these child witnesses have a greater chance of being violent relationships -- about 40 percent repeat the behavior of their parents -- as many are in danger of becoming numb, desensitized adults who have no relationships at all.
At 42, Barbara Corry runs a private consulting company in Alhambra, California, to educate groups about domestic abuse. But telling her life story is her real work. For she provides compelling testimony of the ugly legacy of domestic abuse.
"When I came along I was supposed to make things better," she says. "But all my birth did was bring another person into a not good situation."
Corry says her father was an alcoholic who would return home from work drunk two and three times a week and scream at her mother. He would charge at her mother. He would charge at her with a fist in her face; yell at her; keep her awake for hours raging that the lettuce on his sandwich was limp or that she hadn't sewn his shirt right. Once or twice he punched her, but mostly he restrained himself physically -- which only seemed to increase the intensity of his verbal abuse.
"My mother was raised very traditionally, so when she couldn't take it anymore, she went to see the priest," says Corry, referring to a time before she was born and her brother was 7. "The priest told her to pray for my father and try to be a better wife. He instructed her to have another baby to make things better."
As Corry got a little older, she would try to intervene between her parents.
"My cries and my pleas would distract my father or somehow cut the circuits. But it never stopped him." Corry explains that although she has conquered her compulsive eating problems and made great strides in understanding her family, she has been unable to have a relationship of her own.
"I saw that it is possible to devastate a person's personality and spirit," she says, her voice halting and shaky. "You've got to prove to me you're not a (jerk) before I get involved. It's all terror-based."
Member
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Australia
Posts: 610
Hi MG,
this really brought so many things home for me. I have so many mixed emotions about it all but can definitely relate to a lot of this post. I can tell you that right now I am feeling anger! My mother is yelling at me because I don't know how to tune the freakin TV. Reading this at the same time is giving me a feeling of hatred towards her, which feels strangely good. It also feels very uncomfortable, I should know better. You know what? When she gets mad I get uncomfortable, but when I get mad as well I feel really overwhelmed. It's like she's got me back where she wants me. Suffering like her. How dare I go and make myself happy? I have seen the smug smile on her face when let myself get angry with her (which isn't often, thankfully) when she thinks I'm not looking. Mostly I feel sad for the pain she's feeling because I know now that she's a sick person, but sometimes I just can't stand her at all.
I had no idea that it was as damaging for a child to witness violence as it apparenly is. I thought I was just overly sensitive and that maybe I should keep my mouth shut because some children actually get hit. Its explaining a lot of things for me. I only have to be careful I don't fall into self-pity over this one.
I feel much better just getting that out! Thank you.
Love
DolphinBlue
this really brought so many things home for me. I have so many mixed emotions about it all but can definitely relate to a lot of this post. I can tell you that right now I am feeling anger! My mother is yelling at me because I don't know how to tune the freakin TV. Reading this at the same time is giving me a feeling of hatred towards her, which feels strangely good. It also feels very uncomfortable, I should know better. You know what? When she gets mad I get uncomfortable, but when I get mad as well I feel really overwhelmed. It's like she's got me back where she wants me. Suffering like her. How dare I go and make myself happy? I have seen the smug smile on her face when let myself get angry with her (which isn't often, thankfully) when she thinks I'm not looking. Mostly I feel sad for the pain she's feeling because I know now that she's a sick person, but sometimes I just can't stand her at all.
I had no idea that it was as damaging for a child to witness violence as it apparenly is. I thought I was just overly sensitive and that maybe I should keep my mouth shut because some children actually get hit. Its explaining a lot of things for me. I only have to be careful I don't fall into self-pity over this one.
I feel much better just getting that out! Thank you.
Love
DolphinBlue
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Posts: n/a
DolphinBlue,
I think that witnessing domestic abuse caused me the most damage. My parents would fight daily. Sometimes my dad would hit my mom. One time he hit her in the head with a coffee cup and caused a small cut. Smalls cuts on your head cause a lot of blood. I thought she was dying for sure.
I used to sit on the couch every night in the living room watching them fight and planning in my little head how I would save my mother. I didn't know how I could do it.
I would start to take a bath and they would start fighting and I would have to turn the water off and get out because I couldn't hear when the water was running and I couldn't save my mother. They never noticed that I was watching them. I could only go out and play when they weren't fighting. My mom would have black eyes and wear sun glasses to PTA meetings.
I also thought it was my fault somehow. I felt the guilt for causing it all. I remember thinking that all the fighting stopped when I fianally moved out of the house. It never dawned on me that it might of been because I wasn't there to see it anymore.
I can't handle it now when anyone gets in an arguement. I want to stop it immediately and be the peace keeper. I haven't come to terms yet with the fear of always thinking my mom was going to be killed or myself or my sisters and brother. I think this is where I learned to worry. I was too small to help so all I could do is worry all time. Now I can't stop worrying. I'm working on it though.
Hugs,
MG
I think that witnessing domestic abuse caused me the most damage. My parents would fight daily. Sometimes my dad would hit my mom. One time he hit her in the head with a coffee cup and caused a small cut. Smalls cuts on your head cause a lot of blood. I thought she was dying for sure.
I used to sit on the couch every night in the living room watching them fight and planning in my little head how I would save my mother. I didn't know how I could do it.
I would start to take a bath and they would start fighting and I would have to turn the water off and get out because I couldn't hear when the water was running and I couldn't save my mother. They never noticed that I was watching them. I could only go out and play when they weren't fighting. My mom would have black eyes and wear sun glasses to PTA meetings.
I also thought it was my fault somehow. I felt the guilt for causing it all. I remember thinking that all the fighting stopped when I fianally moved out of the house. It never dawned on me that it might of been because I wasn't there to see it anymore.
I can't handle it now when anyone gets in an arguement. I want to stop it immediately and be the peace keeper. I haven't come to terms yet with the fear of always thinking my mom was going to be killed or myself or my sisters and brother. I think this is where I learned to worry. I was too small to help so all I could do is worry all time. Now I can't stop worrying. I'm working on it though.
Hugs,
MG
Grace Under Fire
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Another world
Posts: 536
My husband was mentally and physically
abusive. I was 17, pregnant and he
abused me during this time also. I was
7 months pregnant when my first son was
born and it was a miracle he made it.
The violence escalated and I was in and
out of hospitals. He always punched me
in the face and kicked me, and broke
my ribs. I finally left, but still loved
him. We were not together when he was
killed in a bizarre alcohol accident.
My son was now 5 and had witnessed the
unimaginable. But it didn't stop there,
I went on to meet these type of men-who
physically abused me. I'm not sure what
is wrong with me that I have felt so
unworthy.
My son has serious personality disorders
along with his substance abuse and he
is a violent man. He trusts no one, and
everyone is out to hurt him.
The cycle continues, my grandson will
not come over to spend the night anymore-
we get halfway over here and he starts
crying and I turn around. He is afraid
to leave his mother. He is now showing
signs of violence and acting out, and
the mistrust.
Children learn what they live and this
all started with me. A bitter pill to
swallow. The guilt is torture at times.
abusive. I was 17, pregnant and he
abused me during this time also. I was
7 months pregnant when my first son was
born and it was a miracle he made it.
The violence escalated and I was in and
out of hospitals. He always punched me
in the face and kicked me, and broke
my ribs. I finally left, but still loved
him. We were not together when he was
killed in a bizarre alcohol accident.
My son was now 5 and had witnessed the
unimaginable. But it didn't stop there,
I went on to meet these type of men-who
physically abused me. I'm not sure what
is wrong with me that I have felt so
unworthy.
My son has serious personality disorders
along with his substance abuse and he
is a violent man. He trusts no one, and
everyone is out to hurt him.
The cycle continues, my grandson will
not come over to spend the night anymore-
we get halfway over here and he starts
crying and I turn around. He is afraid
to leave his mother. He is now showing
signs of violence and acting out, and
the mistrust.
Children learn what they live and this
all started with me. A bitter pill to
swallow. The guilt is torture at times.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Australia
Posts: 610
(((MG))) (((Josie)))
thanks for sharing your experiences, this helped me a lot. I really haven't got much in the way of information as I am new to realising that this is a real problem.
I remember feeling tense and full of adrenaline when my mother would fight with one of her boyfriends. It happened for as long as I remember. The first time, I was just in shock (about 4 I think). It started getting worse when I was old enough to think I could stop it. I would scream, fight and cry but no-one noticed. The fists kept flying and I would get hit. I remember getting incredibly frustrated at this and at times I had a terrible knot in my stomach that would make it impossible for me to sit still and concentrate. I would groan and tense my stomach muscles if I had to keep still (in school) as this seemed to help. Of course I must have seemed a total freak!
At worst, blood would be flowing and faces mangled but I remember the most horrifying of experiences was seeing the pure madness and hatred in their faces. They were unstoppable and I really thought they were trying to kill eachother. I remember hating these men as my mother would try so hard to hurt them and they, being so much stronger, would knock her down with one hit...and I swear they enjoyed it. These fights would often go on for hours with lots of chasing, hiding, yelling etc. They didn't seem to want to stop, they seemed to like it.
I could never understand why they would act like nothing happened the next day, it was not to be talked about. If I brought it up, I was told that I was being a drama queen and that I exaggerated too much. I realise now that they may not have remembered much of this and that they may have been trying to play it down to themselves so they could stay together.
I have never talked about this, its an incredible relief. It helps so much to know that some people understand this. Thank you.
Love
DolphinBlue
thanks for sharing your experiences, this helped me a lot. I really haven't got much in the way of information as I am new to realising that this is a real problem.
I remember feeling tense and full of adrenaline when my mother would fight with one of her boyfriends. It happened for as long as I remember. The first time, I was just in shock (about 4 I think). It started getting worse when I was old enough to think I could stop it. I would scream, fight and cry but no-one noticed. The fists kept flying and I would get hit. I remember getting incredibly frustrated at this and at times I had a terrible knot in my stomach that would make it impossible for me to sit still and concentrate. I would groan and tense my stomach muscles if I had to keep still (in school) as this seemed to help. Of course I must have seemed a total freak!
At worst, blood would be flowing and faces mangled but I remember the most horrifying of experiences was seeing the pure madness and hatred in their faces. They were unstoppable and I really thought they were trying to kill eachother. I remember hating these men as my mother would try so hard to hurt them and they, being so much stronger, would knock her down with one hit...and I swear they enjoyed it. These fights would often go on for hours with lots of chasing, hiding, yelling etc. They didn't seem to want to stop, they seemed to like it.
I could never understand why they would act like nothing happened the next day, it was not to be talked about. If I brought it up, I was told that I was being a drama queen and that I exaggerated too much. I realise now that they may not have remembered much of this and that they may have been trying to play it down to themselves so they could stay together.
I have never talked about this, its an incredible relief. It helps so much to know that some people understand this. Thank you.
Love
DolphinBlue
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Posts: n/a
Josie,
We did the best we could with what we knew. I too was battered for the first few years of my children's lives.
The one thing I've been able to look at is that my daughter put 100% into her recovery and changed the pattern for her children. My son will not do it. We have choices to work on ourselves and so do our children. It is not our fault if they won't do it. I also struggle with guilt with my son. At times I feel like I ruined a persons life with my mistakes. I think that's why I struggled so hard to fix him.
I've also worked to find help since I was 29. There was no help! If there was, I couldn't find it. How could we change the pattern when the tools weren't there for us. We just came from a gerneration where spousal abuse was the norm and women and children were to obey and accept whatever came at them.
The pattern didn't start with us and won't end with us. We can only take responsibility for ourselves now and do what we can for our grandchildren. Don't swallow that pill Josie. It won't help you and it won't help your children. Fortunately spousal abuse is being looked at differently now and society as a whole will help eliminate the pattern.
DolphinBlue,
It's hard to talk about these things. Everytime I talk about it I feel like I'm not being loyal. I think that comes from past conditioning too. You are supposed to keep it all a secret.
I don't have to keep it a secret anymore. I love my parents and I know they did the best they knew, but I don't have to keep secrets anymore and it certainly won't harm anyone if I talk about it here.
Hugs,
MG
We did the best we could with what we knew. I too was battered for the first few years of my children's lives.
The one thing I've been able to look at is that my daughter put 100% into her recovery and changed the pattern for her children. My son will not do it. We have choices to work on ourselves and so do our children. It is not our fault if they won't do it. I also struggle with guilt with my son. At times I feel like I ruined a persons life with my mistakes. I think that's why I struggled so hard to fix him.
I've also worked to find help since I was 29. There was no help! If there was, I couldn't find it. How could we change the pattern when the tools weren't there for us. We just came from a gerneration where spousal abuse was the norm and women and children were to obey and accept whatever came at them.
The pattern didn't start with us and won't end with us. We can only take responsibility for ourselves now and do what we can for our grandchildren. Don't swallow that pill Josie. It won't help you and it won't help your children. Fortunately spousal abuse is being looked at differently now and society as a whole will help eliminate the pattern.
DolphinBlue,
It's hard to talk about these things. Everytime I talk about it I feel like I'm not being loyal. I think that comes from past conditioning too. You are supposed to keep it all a secret.
I don't have to keep it a secret anymore. I love my parents and I know they did the best they knew, but I don't have to keep secrets anymore and it certainly won't harm anyone if I talk about it here.
Hugs,
MG
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
(((MG)))
When Ward and I met we were young and partied alot and yes we fought. Pushing and shoving and many dinners ruined. I can't say I was ever abused but I have a short fuse too and I started some and finished my share of our fights. It was a mutual power struggle I guess. And since I began to recover we rarely fight and never like when we were younger.
I share your guilt and I tell myself that we only do what we know how to do at the time. When we know better we do better. It is all the more unsettling because in spite of the fact that my father is an alcoholic I never witnessed this behavior in my own home...not between my mother and father. Mom just went along and dad was not a mean drunk.
The Beav is violent and angry and quite vocally blames us for his problems. He and Beavette's mom fought alot and I learned recently the the Beavettes mom also had domestic calls made with her later boyfriend. Beavette has been through alot and he is 5 now. He was there when his mother died. And for all my looking I see no signs of anger in him as yet.
I want to do everything in my power to prevent this cycle from continuing, but I know I have limited control as Beavette does not live with us.
Thanks for this thread,
JT
When Ward and I met we were young and partied alot and yes we fought. Pushing and shoving and many dinners ruined. I can't say I was ever abused but I have a short fuse too and I started some and finished my share of our fights. It was a mutual power struggle I guess. And since I began to recover we rarely fight and never like when we were younger.
I share your guilt and I tell myself that we only do what we know how to do at the time. When we know better we do better. It is all the more unsettling because in spite of the fact that my father is an alcoholic I never witnessed this behavior in my own home...not between my mother and father. Mom just went along and dad was not a mean drunk.
The Beav is violent and angry and quite vocally blames us for his problems. He and Beavette's mom fought alot and I learned recently the the Beavettes mom also had domestic calls made with her later boyfriend. Beavette has been through alot and he is 5 now. He was there when his mother died. And for all my looking I see no signs of anger in him as yet.
I want to do everything in my power to prevent this cycle from continuing, but I know I have limited control as Beavette does not live with us.
Thanks for this thread,
JT
Member
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Australia
Posts: 610
MG, Josie, Just Tired
...I would like to point out to you all that I forgive my mother now as I not only truly understand that "everything is as it should be" but that she was trying her hardest in the circumstances. Might not be what I would have considered "trying" for a while, but now I know that she was consumed by her struggle with life and had little room for anything else...I have done this and continue to do this in many ways.
Anyway, it's interesting to see the other side of this issue...even though my heart breaks a little when I read of your pain. I can see my mother's guilt sometimes and now I think I understand how deep this may be.
Thanks for sharing, you are helping me more than I can say...best wishes
Love
DolphinBlue
Anyway, it's interesting to see the other side of this issue...even though my heart breaks a little when I read of your pain. I can see my mother's guilt sometimes and now I think I understand how deep this may be.
Thanks for sharing, you are helping me more than I can say...best wishes
Love
DolphinBlue
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