sunshine003

From start to finish, I plan on telling AH I'm leaving through e mail one morning after he arrives at work. That same day, I will have movers here packing. That afternoon, before he gets home from work,I will be gone and staying somewhere else. I will let him know that I will be packing while he is gone and that I do not wish to see him. The next day, I'll come back after he's gone to work and have movers loading a van. I will be leaving the next morning.

A friend of mine, who has been of great support and really wants me gone from here so I can get better, tried to prepare me for what could happen. As in, him show up, try to talk me out of it, etc. She's afraid I'm not strong enough to withstand what he could say, the turn around, all of that. This is the exact reason, I decided to say nothing until I'm two days away from gone. I know this is the case also as I am no match for him.

My experience with him, anytime I've tried to leave, I've never lasted longer than 3 hours. I'll try to tell him it isn't working and this thing happens. He'll say something, I'll end up defending myself and before you know it, I'm begging him to forgive me. Not sure what takes place but it happens. However, I am determined to send the e mail and then NO CONTACT for my own sake. She thinks that because he's never been faced with me actually saying what I mean and sticking to it that 48 hours is too long. That he'll hold out but then come the second day realize I mean it and then get in contact with me somehow.

My point is, could that be true and what types of things should I prepare myself for? I want to AVOID any type of argument, any type of giving into emotions. I want to keep the facts alive for myself. I don't know what Im getting at, anyone have any advice?

When some of you have left or asked them to leave and actually stuck to no contact for yourself, did your alcoholic spouse stick to it also?

quietsins

Here's how I walked out.

I finally saw words were meaningless. And I mean that literally. I saw that words weren't packing my bags. Words weren't getting him help. Words were worthless.

Actions. Well those also spoke for themself. Did he help? Nope. Did he stand in the way? Nope. Did he want me to feel sorry for him and stay as I had before? You betcha.

I saw that all roads led straight to hell with him when he was drinking. And I got sick and tired of that road. He could have said I am the most beautiful woman in the world and proposed marriage... I still would have walked.

Crisis breeds crisis. Know that. But also know that serenity breeds serenity. Get thru the crisis and find serenity.

Hold strong. You are worth it. And besides... do you want people to say of you years and years from now that you were the insane one because you got sicker and sicker and never broke away?

quietsins

ps. Why send him an email at all? want to get in some last minute barbs or put guilt on him? Pack your stuff and get out. He will get the message soon enough when he gets home, by then you are started, and you are with friends.

minnie

quietsins is right. Words mean nothing really. I am sure he will know why you left. And if he doesn't, then that just gives more validation to your decision.

Personally, I wouldn't email him just as he gets in to work. That seems a tad.......vindictive? Or, perhaps, drama-creating. Do you think he'll be able to do a days work when he knows you are moving out? Play that scenario all the way through.

Just move. Leave him a letter if you want. You don't need to justify your decision to him. You only need to justify it to yourself.

elizabeth1979

I totally agree with Minnie on this one. I really think its setting yourself up for trouble if you tell him before you are gone. He'll figure it out when he gets home!

Zoey

I agree, just leave. Can't you get everything loaded in one day if you start right after he leaves for work and be loaded and gone by the time he gets home??

sunshine003

Thanks ya'll, I guess you're right, it is dramacreating. I didn't see it that way, I sort of thought maybe I owed it to him to tell him??? Maybe it's more than that but I don't think so, we do share a child together so I was just thinking I had to tell him.

Now it's just a matter of can I do it in a day? I'm sure if I tried really hard I could. It's just I also have three children, two are young (one being a baby) and it's hard to get stuff done on a short time line when you have your attention going to three different things at once. However, I can try or figure out a way to get it done in a day. hhhmmmmm, I never thought of doing it that way.

ICU

My thoughts are coming from a different situation then you are in, but for what they are worth....

I would pack up everything, leave a letter for him at the house and be gone before he gets there.

There is no telling how he would react in a face-to-face situation. I always choose to air on the side of caution these days!

nutz

No. Even the no contact is contact.
But i tried like heck.
She went on this benge for a couple of 3 months.
I went thur the getting over long term break up process.
I followed the procedure and guidlines.
It help me every much. I got well and was in the hanging
out with friends or meeting new peaple stage.
As soon as she found out I was moving on....the fun started.

She comes to my work, then started showing up at my apt.
Leave notes on my door, phone call messages, e-mails.
suicied threats. Bassically pasted out of the drive way
night of the night, Sometimes she'll even breakin.
A couple months of that...I caved in.

It's better at first just for a little while.
But it's been a freaken nightmare.

We're in this breaking up stage again. I'm going crazy!!!!
I'm so mad/fustrated at everythings.
We don't even sleep together, it's chaos most of the time.
I hate myself and her most of the time now.
But just having her pressence....
I get this comfortable/familar/secure feeling.....sick !!

From my divcorce...I had to drive 1600 miles just to get away
from the insanity cycle we were doing. it went on for a year.
My ex-wife waited two years for us to have a decent healty
closure conversation.

In a previouse long term relationship break up.
My girl friend just left, not even a dear john letter.
I went through the crazy/mad stage, at first.
But it was the best thing she could have done for the both
of us. She contacted me later on...6 months later and 2000 miles
away. We had both healed and moved on. It was also a closure
phone call. We didn't hate each other. Actually it was understanding,
unconditional true love kind of thing. I sheared a part of my life
with you, For what's it worth. Good and bad, it was a journey.
I don't regret loving you and having to live without you. Peace
and god bless you for sending you into my life, only if it was just for
a while. I havn't talked to her since.

Through that I also learned no matter how much I love her.
I love myself a thousand times more. I had to drive up to
the mountain and sit on a rock. I told god I wasn't going move
until he gave me and answer.lol That's how hurt I felt, at first.
I had a sponsor that help thur all of that.
It got to piont where he acatually had me started dating.
He gave me a grieving period and spent lots and lot of time with me.
Then of course, he had to tell me stop juggling the women.lol

sunshine003

I obviously have to leave something. I see that maybe I shouldn' t tell him face to face (which I never planned on doing) but I have to leave a forwarding address (which is states away BTW ) along with a phone number. I have to do that legally cuz we share a child together.

ICU

Sorry about that; I should have clarified. I think by giving him a day or two notice, the opportunity for him to leave work and come home early while you were packing was a possibility that I thought of - hence, the face-to-face.

When I was leaving my situation I had everything boxed up and half of it moved out. While going back to get the rest of the stuff, well, let's just say I allowed myself to be swayed to stay. From what I understand, it's very common for that to happen. It took quite a few packings and unpackings before I 'finally got it'!

Best of luck to you. Please keep us posted!

sunshine003

aaahhhhh, I see ICU and I've been there myself. Only, I've never made it to the packing part, LOL. That's why I was thinking of doingit really quick. But look, I learned something here by posting this. I realized I shouldn't even feel I have an obligation to e mail him and tell him....a note left behind will work and serve teh same purpose but look out for me in a better way! Sometimes I can make something more difficult than it needs to be. My clarity isn't where it should be yet. That is why this place has been of such great value to me. You are a part of this place ICU, so thank you and everyone for helping me realize I was making it more difficult than it needs to be.

nutz

My ex-girlfriend left with just few clothe, some pictures,
some sentimental values items and paper work.

Oh..I'm sure you can geta hold of him later, There's family
and other channels.

She left while I was at work. I actaully worked overtime that day.

Good god, every blonde drives a silver car, i thought was
her. Even thou I knew she was gone.
I went through it for a couple of months.

YES, if I knew where she was at....I'd would had driven.
I started contacting all her friends, parents, sponsor. To
try to find out where she was at.

She left everything.
I gave everything away,automobiles, furniture,..everthing
that wasn't mine before the relationship.
I didn't want anymoney or anything from it.
It was the only way I could move on.
Too many triggers

sammiejam

I packed his things and put them in the garage with his car. I left a letter under the windscreen of the car.

He took his stuff and left a note. And i quote:

I will get the car on saturday. Sorry"

and that was pretty much the last thing he ever said to me apart from "Do you have my camera"
"You have got the video tape of my mother"

Aparently he read the letter which basically told him that when he chose to have a ONS he chose to end our relationship and there was no going back for me. Ever. I said the one thing that we had was our FAITHFULNESS to each other. Now that was gone there was nothing left.

I guess the letter spelled it out and he knew i was serious. He would never lower himself to begging or an actual apology so the "sorry" on the note was the most i ever got.

I think the hardest thing for you will be if he agrees that its for best and ignores you. I know this was THE WORST for me. I still pray for a begging phone call or some sort of remorse for his actions. In fact it was the lack of contact on his behalf that made me want him back! If i had been subjected to pitiful crocodile tears it would have made me much stronger...

Be prepared for anything (after all he is very good at manipulation and pushing your buttons) and tell him as little as possible. You really dont owe him anything. You have done your best and he wont help himself.

Just get out as quick as you can and resist the urge to create some drama and dont contact him. Its those things that feed our sickness and you MUST go cold turkey if you are to get him out of your system....


Good luck and huge hugs to you...

ASpouse

I would leave all in one day ..... leave him a note and tell him he can reach you by cell phone (if you have one) and you will give him all the pertinent details he needs to know.

Do you have a lawyer? I'd want all my bases covered concerning your child you have together. Even though he is an alcoholic, he still has a right to see and visit his child. You don't want that to come up and look as possibly "kidnapping" your child, especially since you're going to another state.

You seem to have this all together, so I am assuming that you have this important detail worked out also.

I know I'll be thinking of you on the day this is all happening! Good Luck, everything will be just fine, just stay focused and keep the drama bugs at bay, at least for the day.