Girlfriend

I know it was wrong of me to lean back on my xabf in the month of December, so please ......can we not tell me that? Cuz, I've been kicking myself ever since.

What I can't seem to shake is the fact that he "doesn't want anything" to do with me now.

It started when he hurt his knee about a month ago. He told me that he was afraid of relapsing and that he was frustrated. He hurt his back prior to that.

I stuck by him before he went into The Farm (last August) for almost a year of pure HELL....his trying to commit suicide, getting a RO against him for coming to my house drunk and putting things in my roommate's car that were mine, the "I promise I'll quit" only to drink again a day...two days later. His family that is a total joke because they don't even know what an A is, let alone try to learn about it for fear that family secrets will come out. An exwife that uses their 3 girls as pawns to hurt him.......just all the drama.

Now, he's been a non-drinking A for about 6 months and he all of a sudden started withdrawing and not communicating with me. Just completely stopped as if I did something to him that was devastating. Or like I'm the plague.

Why in the heck does he feel that way about me? If anything, I should of done that to him a LONG time ago. What I did was stick by him, encourage him and take him back when he was an A$$ to me. Much more than his family or friends or anyone in the past has ever done for him. He's told me that so many times in the past and from what the family had said.....it was true. Before I came into his life and wanted to help him...he was a loner drinking himself to death every night with a 750 of vodka. Everybody else had blown him off.

I know A's live in a world that's different than ours.It's just making me SO angry that he acts as if I did something so awful to him and he can't stand me anymore when all I did was try to help him.

I'm confused.

sunshinebluesky

gf........i know its soooooooo hard,and painful to be blown off.here i am too, out in the wind.....................i was just thinking today,about all the times my ex said,just hang in there with me,till this happens till that happens, etc etc.and nothin was ever happening.at least not very quickly---i waited two years. with him, alot of it was about money.that he didnt have.and no matter how many times i told him it wasnt about money,or lack of....he didnt get it. i sometimes catch myself thinking,"maybe if i had just moved in with him like the new girl,and helped him financially,stood by him,etc etc,then i think about how i was willing to even date him when he didnt have a license--many women wont do that---how i DID hang in there,and now it seems the new woman is gettin what i should have had.now that he FINALLY got a better job, and SHE has helped him,i suppose-financially.
and now,he has no time for me whatsoever.the one who said he was sooooo different,we'd always stay friends-no matter what.yeah right.im learnin that doesnt happen in my life. my kids dad,it was the same way....i have a letter he wrote me when we split,about how he would always be there for me and our kids,no matter what.17 years together,we had...and once he hooked up with the woman who turned out to be his wife,its like i never existed. and sometimes,sadly,its like our kids together dont exist either.(only his new ones). him i and went thru sooooo much in 17 years...i cant tell you how many things i perservered with.(and he wasnt an a). now,he has a quarter of a million dollar home,and is very well off.........the story of my life,sometimes i think i groom them for other women!!! but--the one thing i have realized is,in both these cases they didnt end up doing better by THEMSELVES.like i have. it took the financial help of a WOMAN!! i now see them both as very needy,emotionally and otherwise. and in reality,i dont have respect for men like that.
anyway,im gettin off subject here......the being blown off part. these days,i am trying to not take it so PERSONALLY. i mean,really- these men didnt have female FRIENDS when i was with them...so why should they be friends with me??
and do i really want to be their friend anyway?? yes,itd be nice to hear from them once in awhile--a sincere,how ya doin???but ive gotten to the point of,i dont really care how THEY are doin anymore,either.so its all good to me.
it hurts,and i think it will always hurt--but somehow ya got to accept it,and move on.

bikewench

Well Girl...

When one is operating under the influence of codependancy... nothing makes sense..

So.. a person is really wasteing their time trying to make sense of it.

I am hearing the standard codie focus...

...him... ;o)

What he does and what he doesn't....

How bout living like he's not even in the picture..??
Because... it's been proven that the more importance I put on something... the more pain it is going to cause me...

so.. I'd just let him decide for himself what's up with him around you....
and stop putting my energy into thinking about it...
cause .. what is it going to get you..??


Being addicted to a person .....

Same dysfunction.. different substance.

cwohio

GF - maybe he's really trying to work on his sobriety and sees you as a "distraction" at this point? i know it must hurt, but i think you need to let it go and not try to figure out where his head is at right now. concentrate on where YOUR head is at. (((GF))

CarolD

OK...you must remember I am the A
and never been in your situation...
However...

I did not want to be reminded of my drinking days.

I changed everything possible in sobriety.

Call me shallow or selfish or mean or whatever
it was my choice and it has worked for me.

ICU

Maybe like others here have said, he needs to close the door on his past in order to move forward in his own recovery. But you know what, my gut is telling me something else might be the real reason - it sounds to me like it's revenge-based. For awhile there, you wanted nothing to do with him and left him in the cold, rightfully so! So, after a little recovery time, you two 'reconnect'. And now 'he' pulls the plug so-to-speak! I could be wrong. But it just sounds like classic 'cat-and-mouse' between and addict and a codie to me!

You can't change the addict, but you CAN change the codie! Yup, 'ya can!!

Gabe

Wow, many of us could stop right there and save ourselves a lot of trouble.
It's the classic codie/addict struggle.
They live in a world that's all about them.
We live in a world that's all about everyone BUT us.

mallowcup

He may be throwing the baby out with the bath water, he may need to. For him maybe a relationship creates stress. Whatever he's doing, it's working. He is in the mental place he needs to be in. It probably isn't personal. He has left the trumiol behind him. Churning up what his family is or isn't won't change anything but his success. Let him come to you on his own terms when he's ready.

ASpouse

I'm confused too! Why is his behavior so important to you? I'm confused because I don't quite understand why you feel he owes you something, even if it's an explanation or friendship?!

Maybe he's decided he doesn't want to be bothered with you and it's nothing you did or didn't do!

So just because you treated him a certain way, sticking by him through the hard times, being better than his dysfunctional family (that is what you're trying to say right, that you are more faithful, more loyal, more caring than they are right?)he should feel indebted to you?

I'm sorry, I disagree with you (as you probably expected I would). Perhaps it's just a matter that he doesn't want to be bothered with you anymore, pretty simple I suppose, but hurts a lot doesn't it?

Just my thoughts.

Cap3

Hey Girlfriend,you say that he completely stoped,as if you did somwthing to him that was devastating.or like you have the plague.He acts as if you did something so awful to him and he cant stand you anymore.
These are all your own presumptions,based on his hehaviour.Your guessing here.Your perspectives.Has nothing to do with him.You own these.....Ask him..If he avoids your questions then there is nothing more you can do.Acceptance,of where he is now....Thing is that,at times,folks ,when reaching out helping another,they,seem to have their own expectations , on the one that they are helping.I use to also.Was getting hurt over this,belief of mine, time and time again,with my own expectation on the folks that im trying to help..To help with no expectations.This is a hard one to do.But learning this,i dont get myself hurt.To give,and if they dont return,its ok.My experience with this is.
i reached out to folks in my past.Folks that had their expectations on me.Didnt know this at the time.Their help,doing their best,as we all do,was actually hurting me more.I didnt have the courage to tell them,for a while.I felt like they did that i owed them for trying to help me.This situation got sicker as time rolled on.Until i had to say something and let them go.They were still hanging on.So i have phyically removed myself from them.Boundaires up..Moving on,with love in my heart.It was a toxic relationship,i needed to move on.Its to bad that i had to go this far,but i have to do whatever it takes for my own recovery.A relationship that works in the beginnings,doesnt mean that it will keep on working.some folks come into my life for a reason,a season,and very few for a lifetime.
Being helpful to others today i dont expect any returns.This gives me freedom,,and it give freedom to those that i may be helpful towards.When i changed my beliefs,on this,issue with no expectations,i feel a whole lot better...No chains..,on either side..Today i get to know folks,who they are,,etc,,,.If,having a good feeling about them,gut feeling,i then ask for their help.The you owe us,i owe you folks no longer do i come to for help.Its "nice" if others do give back.But if its a requirement,on either side,,then its gets toxic.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,and take care!!!

denny57

Seems to me that a lot of the answers you are getting also concentrate on HIM and why HE is doing what HE is doing. My only suggestion would be to find an Al-Anon meeting every day for at least the next month. Know how they sometimes suggest 90 in 90? I think I did 90 in 40. It helps!!!

elizabeth1979

Girlfriend, I think for me, although Ive not been in this situation lately...I have been there...but it was about me feeling needy and not liking myself and working on me and MY needs enough. So, I slide into why doesnt he want me, whats wrong with me, what about how much I did for him, and the full on Codie drama ensues.

GF, I know you know its not about us. I know you have the work under your belt to know where you are going with this.
Your post is not the voice of a recovering codie, its the voice of the Martyr, that I too have been (no judgement here, and no harshness).
I think for people like you and I,
its easier to attempt to figure them out, then figure US out.
Remember where you where mentally when you were healthy.
Try and go back there, if only for 10 minutes.
You are worthy, you are special, he is an alcoholic and spending time trying to figure out his thoughts is like doing a puzzle with half the pieces missing.
It will only drive us nuts!

gelfling

Look at it this way. He's doing you one hell of a favor by severing all ties. And you couldn't ask for anymore. Too many people want to get on with their lives, but are still anchored with the S/O who won't let go.

Girlfriend

WHoa.......alot of GREAT and thoughtful advice. Thank you!!

Some of it stings, some of it makes total sense and all of it, I need to hear.

I kinda agree with Christie (cwohio). I am a distraction for him. He'd do that to his family, totally back away from them, because "they'd wreck my program right now". He still loves them, but knows he can't deal with them as he is at the present time.

He's learning his limitations, also.

When both my kids left the home at the same time, one to college and one to pursue her career (which paid off big time. She's now a recording artist with a major label and about to go on tour), I didn't want to let them go. They were both moving HUNDREDS of miles away and I had just lost my Dad to colon cancer. That was SO hard.

But, I let them both go and do what they needed to do in love. They came back 5 years later and we're the closest we've ever been.

I'm letting xabf go. Yeah, I took the time to show him how I got sober.....something nobody else did (I'm glad that I can help out other people. But, playing a martyr, no......I don't wanna do that. Thanks for pointing that out!) and so, he's a big boy and if he needs no distractions to reach that goal that he's working on.......then that's what I'll do.

I'm honest in saying that I will always love him. I've known him since we were kids. But, I gotta move on (again) and he wants to get sober.

Thanks again for your honesty.

((hugs))