Have you heard this one?
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Thread Starter
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: sadtown, OR
Posts: 89
Have you heard this one?
My husband came over last night (separated) to visit. He was reeking of alcohol. Anyway, I tried (again) to make him understand why it is important he quit drinking. I brought in the family and myself, of course. He said, marriage is only a piece of paper and that he is being depleted by me. What? His conscious eats at him because of the way he treats me (his lies). I am not only to blame for him drinkng, but now his conscious. I told him not to do it and his concious will feel better. I know he had alcohol in his system but now I heard everything. He siad it was to late. He went on to say, I don't let him be happy and I am not happy. I am a wonderful woman and I deserve somebody better. He always calls the next morning and apologizes.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
As a matter of fact, I HAVE heard that whole thing!!! So weird they can come up with things that odd and others report the SAME stuff............there is really no making sense of it all (even though, I admit that I try! ). I wears me out! It is sad but annoying all at once, isn't it?!
Good luck...and don't believe a word of it!
My AH also has a "variation" on this theme that goes something like this: He doesn't have an alcohol problem, BUT he had to move out of the house because I "make him" drink and he was afraid he would drink himself to death if he didn"t! (Makes perfect sense to me! ? haha) BTW; he moved out and never missed a day drinking yet (says him,too). I thought so! Guess that is his way of saying he doesn't have a problem, BUT if he "did" of does, it would somehow be "my fault" (and of course all completely out of his hands!). haha
Might be funny from a 3 or 4 year old but pretty tired and lame for a 51 yr old father of two young adults. (I can imagine what he would say to them if they tried anything remotely this pathetic!)
Good luck and try to ignore his QUACK!
Good luck...and don't believe a word of it!
My AH also has a "variation" on this theme that goes something like this: He doesn't have an alcohol problem, BUT he had to move out of the house because I "make him" drink and he was afraid he would drink himself to death if he didn"t! (Makes perfect sense to me! ? haha) BTW; he moved out and never missed a day drinking yet (says him,too). I thought so! Guess that is his way of saying he doesn't have a problem, BUT if he "did" of does, it would somehow be "my fault" (and of course all completely out of his hands!). haha
Might be funny from a 3 or 4 year old but pretty tired and lame for a 51 yr old father of two young adults. (I can imagine what he would say to them if they tried anything remotely this pathetic!)
Good luck and try to ignore his QUACK!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Windy City Burbs
Posts: 101
Sad,
You are right you are a wonderful woman who deserves to be treated better. So if he isn't going to do it you should treat yourself better.
1. a movie instead of a visit from a drunk
2. a phone conversation with a good friend instead of conversation with a drunk
3. don't let him in or ask him to leave if you suspect or know he was drinking
You can do it. YOU ARE WONDERFUL AND DESERVE TO BE TREATED BETTER. Say it, hear it, believe it. And stop falling for his **it. I hope this comes off in the encouraging manner it is meant to, and not scolding. Be good to yourself, wonderful Sadface.
J
You are right you are a wonderful woman who deserves to be treated better. So if he isn't going to do it you should treat yourself better.
1. a movie instead of a visit from a drunk
2. a phone conversation with a good friend instead of conversation with a drunk
3. don't let him in or ask him to leave if you suspect or know he was drinking
You can do it. YOU ARE WONDERFUL AND DESERVE TO BE TREATED BETTER. Say it, hear it, believe it. And stop falling for his **it. I hope this comes off in the encouraging manner it is meant to, and not scolding. Be good to yourself, wonderful Sadface.
J
*
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Lincolnshire, England
Posts: 464
As much as I love my fella; and although he's a sweet loving man even when drunk, I have learned from SR to NEVER have a serious conversation about alcohol issues when the said liquid is inside my man, it can't be done!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Yes, I've heard that same one, too. And this one: I don't have a problem, but if I did I wouldn't do something about it just because you dictate it and if I do decide to do something about it it might take months or years so we need to get divorced. WTF!!!!!!
doing the inside job
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: planet happy
Posts: 542
Just to let you know....I did that song and dance routine
of seperations
mmm... yeah
Never have a conversation with a person in a grip of the disease
drunk or sober..period !!
I'm freaken so damn fustrated at the moment.
She freaken gamble the rent money away and of course is accusing
me, but there's no logic to what she's saying.
Nevermind the facts that she's been gambling her ass off.
When the hell is enough is enough for me ???
How freaken long am I going to do this.??
I was so angery that I almost started packing, aGAin.
WTF !!!!!!....why can't I leave.
I feel like crying, will I am crying on the inside. So why do I
still do this.
It's not the sex, cuz we don't even have sex anymore.
Even when we do , I feel like a piece of meat or a tool.
She dosen't understand that some how I feel disgusted
by all of this and I can't hold her. 80% of me hates her.
The other 20% is becuase I care for her as a person.
But I'm defernently not in love with her.
of seperations
mmm... yeah
Never have a conversation with a person in a grip of the disease
drunk or sober..period !!
I'm freaken so damn fustrated at the moment.
She freaken gamble the rent money away and of course is accusing
me, but there's no logic to what she's saying.
Nevermind the facts that she's been gambling her ass off.
When the hell is enough is enough for me ???
How freaken long am I going to do this.??
I was so angery that I almost started packing, aGAin.
WTF !!!!!!....why can't I leave.
I feel like crying, will I am crying on the inside. So why do I
still do this.
It's not the sex, cuz we don't even have sex anymore.
Even when we do , I feel like a piece of meat or a tool.
She dosen't understand that some how I feel disgusted
by all of this and I can't hold her. 80% of me hates her.
The other 20% is becuase I care for her as a person.
But I'm defernently not in love with her.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Florida
Posts: 70
It's mind boggling to try and figure out some of thing things they say when under the influence. My A seems to cut everything good I do for her and in her life down. Its hard not to let it effect you and you know they are just words and untrue. But,they still can get to you and drive you crazy if you let them.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Sadface,
I have heard similar things.
ITs not fact, just addiction speaking.
We all know its not any ones fault for
"Making: the alcoholic drink.
Thats their nonsense.
I agree with everyone, conversations with a drunk
are a waste of my breath.
I have heard similar things.
ITs not fact, just addiction speaking.
We all know its not any ones fault for
"Making: the alcoholic drink.
Thats their nonsense.
I agree with everyone, conversations with a drunk
are a waste of my breath.
doing the inside job
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: planet happy
Posts: 542
Originally Posted by guyinNC
Hi Nutz,
Its hard....maybe impossible to love an alcoholic. At least without being hurt yourself!
Its hard....maybe impossible to love an alcoholic. At least without being hurt yourself!
But still..god almighty !!!
it's like constant reminder for me not to drink or use !
That's just it. Am i addict to pain and sufferning ?
It's driving up the freaken wall. It's affecting me surely.
It's like I'm surfering without the thrill of the ride.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
He said, marriage is only a piece of paper and that he is being depleted by me.
Knows how to get you riled up as he tries to come across as it's not important as well as placing the blame onto you. (manipulation of your emotions)
His conscious eats at him because of the way he treats me (his lies). I am not only to blame for him drinkng, but now his conscious.
I believe that sometimes the A really does have a conscience. And I believe they can't admit that they know they hurt us or it would mean swallowing their pride enough to admit they have a problem. So this one falls under the heading of the Guilt Manipulation in my book.
I told him not to do it and his concious will feel better.
This was a good thing for you to say. However - next time, say it when he's sober so he grasps it.
He went on to say, I don't let him be happy and I am not happy.
He's not happy because you confront him with what he does. You are not happy because of what he does. So in a weird twisted kind of drunken way, I think that he really meant this when he said it. But I also believe that despite what he says all the time, he's really not happy with himself.
Also here, in my book is another Guilt Manipulation.
I am a wonderful woman and I deserve somebody better.
Ah...and so he speaks the truth of his heart on this one! Of course, you could look at it as the manipulation guilt again. But deep deep inside himself, he knows that this is the truth.
He always calls the next morning and apologizes.
Ahhh....and enter into the honeymoon phase!!! Another typical A moment. Regret and hating himself.
Yep, I've heard alot of these things myself. Once A got sobered up and would talk to me about his addiction, it was really amazing just how much he admitted about using the guilt, the manipulation, etc. Sad (and yet somewhat amusing) how most A's do have alot of the same sayings, etc. Really blows my mind.
Knows how to get you riled up as he tries to come across as it's not important as well as placing the blame onto you. (manipulation of your emotions)
His conscious eats at him because of the way he treats me (his lies). I am not only to blame for him drinkng, but now his conscious.
I believe that sometimes the A really does have a conscience. And I believe they can't admit that they know they hurt us or it would mean swallowing their pride enough to admit they have a problem. So this one falls under the heading of the Guilt Manipulation in my book.
I told him not to do it and his concious will feel better.
This was a good thing for you to say. However - next time, say it when he's sober so he grasps it.
He went on to say, I don't let him be happy and I am not happy.
He's not happy because you confront him with what he does. You are not happy because of what he does. So in a weird twisted kind of drunken way, I think that he really meant this when he said it. But I also believe that despite what he says all the time, he's really not happy with himself.
Also here, in my book is another Guilt Manipulation.
I am a wonderful woman and I deserve somebody better.
Ah...and so he speaks the truth of his heart on this one! Of course, you could look at it as the manipulation guilt again. But deep deep inside himself, he knows that this is the truth.
He always calls the next morning and apologizes.
Ahhh....and enter into the honeymoon phase!!! Another typical A moment. Regret and hating himself.
Yep, I've heard alot of these things myself. Once A got sobered up and would talk to me about his addiction, it was really amazing just how much he admitted about using the guilt, the manipulation, etc. Sad (and yet somewhat amusing) how most A's do have alot of the same sayings, etc. Really blows my mind.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
You keep trying to tell him how his drinking is hurting him...
... but until he realizes it hurts HIM he will continue. You're going to become as insane as he is if you continue to attempt to convince him that his alcoholism will kill him, destroy his family, his job, his well-being, his sanity, etc., etc. Detach, detach, detach. Please quit trying to use rational reasoning with an addict. It does not work.
An alcoholic's willingness to admit the First Step is a very personal and self-motivated action. That's what it boils down to for him and that's what it boils down to for you: you ARE powerless over alcohol and in your continuance to try to make him see the light you are allowing your life to become unmanageable. Been there, done that, and I'm not going back.
Detachment done calmly and with love is truly a miracle that my Higher Power has given me. I don't claim the ability to do it by my own power. It has made the alcoholic in my life take some responsibility for himself. He actually has to be honest (at times!). However, his addiction is HIS and I don't own his recovery or his choice to continue drinking.
An alcoholic's willingness to admit the First Step is a very personal and self-motivated action. That's what it boils down to for him and that's what it boils down to for you: you ARE powerless over alcohol and in your continuance to try to make him see the light you are allowing your life to become unmanageable. Been there, done that, and I'm not going back.
Detachment done calmly and with love is truly a miracle that my Higher Power has given me. I don't claim the ability to do it by my own power. It has made the alcoholic in my life take some responsibility for himself. He actually has to be honest (at times!). However, his addiction is HIS and I don't own his recovery or his choice to continue drinking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: sadtown, OR
Posts: 89
Thanks standingstrong and all of you. I know we are not suppose to believe what an alcoholic says but as much as I pretend I dont care, it hurts what he says. Today, when he called we talked a little. I told him that I imagine it must be hard to quit,so I asked him to limit it to one or two a day> To do it for himself and he thanked me. I don't know why he thanked me. The way I see it is there is nothing I can really do.
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