Moment of Decision
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: viroqua wisconsin
Posts: 7
Moment of Decision
Am feeling very overwhelmed this week. thought I was doing pretty good, had a good routine and now it's all upside-down and inside-out.
AH took a little vacation, has been gone 9 days and hasn't checked in. Am trying to get persepctive on my life with him, how bad is it? Have been through a lot of heavy stuff and still stuck.
The freaky stuff about this latest episode is my 6 year old daughter telling me that daddy said he's gonna get her in the middle of the night and take her on a trip. Also he's getting delusional and thinking he's having end-time visions. Is pressuring me to move to another state. I got a letter in the mail today that he had a dirty **** test and lost his truck-driving job, and his 'best friend' these days is a child molester and all-around creepy guy.
On top of all this, my ex-husband got in a bad wreck Saturday night and has a broken neck and I'm dealing with our 14 year old son who lives with him. I want to bring him down here but don't want to put him in the middle of a crisis on top of the tragedy.
My mother started chemo today, etc etc etc
I know a lot of people here choose to stay with their alcoholics for better or for worse, but what behavior would absolutely draw the line for you? I fear that I have continued to be loyal beyond what most codependents would and have completely betrayed my teenage daughter because of this.
Am also afraid of booting him out because I think he has a rage in him that might get tripped, though he has never been violent with me in our 10 years thus far.
I have a long convluted story and am trying not to make this long so lots of reading between the lines, but I'm feeling in crisis mode and need some perspective, how much is too much?
AH took a little vacation, has been gone 9 days and hasn't checked in. Am trying to get persepctive on my life with him, how bad is it? Have been through a lot of heavy stuff and still stuck.
The freaky stuff about this latest episode is my 6 year old daughter telling me that daddy said he's gonna get her in the middle of the night and take her on a trip. Also he's getting delusional and thinking he's having end-time visions. Is pressuring me to move to another state. I got a letter in the mail today that he had a dirty **** test and lost his truck-driving job, and his 'best friend' these days is a child molester and all-around creepy guy.
On top of all this, my ex-husband got in a bad wreck Saturday night and has a broken neck and I'm dealing with our 14 year old son who lives with him. I want to bring him down here but don't want to put him in the middle of a crisis on top of the tragedy.
My mother started chemo today, etc etc etc
I know a lot of people here choose to stay with their alcoholics for better or for worse, but what behavior would absolutely draw the line for you? I fear that I have continued to be loyal beyond what most codependents would and have completely betrayed my teenage daughter because of this.
Am also afraid of booting him out because I think he has a rage in him that might get tripped, though he has never been violent with me in our 10 years thus far.
I have a long convluted story and am trying not to make this long so lots of reading between the lines, but I'm feeling in crisis mode and need some perspective, how much is too much?
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Parker, CO
Posts: 495
You do have a lot on your plate with a lot of your family including yourself in bad situations (chemo, cancer, broken necks, etc). Right now, just focus on making it thru each day.
It sounds like your Ah is very ill mentally with something else not just alcoholism. He sounds psychotic and is a danger to you and your family. If I were you, I would consider getting a restraining order against him as he does not sound safe.
Only you can make the decision when enough is enough, but I would say if things do not improve soon, I would be on my way out the door. You can only handle so much. Living with an active alcoholic is very difficult and very heartbreaking. Your AH is anything but stable. He is even more unstable than the typical alcoholic.
Prayers to you for strength in these overwhelming times...
It sounds like your Ah is very ill mentally with something else not just alcoholism. He sounds psychotic and is a danger to you and your family. If I were you, I would consider getting a restraining order against him as he does not sound safe.
Only you can make the decision when enough is enough, but I would say if things do not improve soon, I would be on my way out the door. You can only handle so much. Living with an active alcoholic is very difficult and very heartbreaking. Your AH is anything but stable. He is even more unstable than the typical alcoholic.
Prayers to you for strength in these overwhelming times...
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Parker, CO
Posts: 495
People with mental illnesses are a lot more likely to have substance abuse issues. It is called dual diagnosis. Until he is better mentally, he will not get better from the alcoholism. I'm sorry again you are going thru this.
My AH is bipolar. He never had the delusional thinking to the same degree, but did to a certain degree. He never was a danger as it seems like your AH is. It's a very hrad thing to deal with.
My AH is bipolar. He never had the delusional thinking to the same degree, but did to a certain degree. He never was a danger as it seems like your AH is. It's a very hrad thing to deal with.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: viroqua wisconsin
Posts: 7
I guess I'm getting a wake-up call. Your responses are pretty strong. I have been reading a lot of posts on this board before I posted, and folks here are living with all kinds of bizarre situations and yet continue to live with the A, so it makes me wonder where do you draw the line.
My husband is a binge drinker and can go for long periods without drinking, even as much as a year or so. I don't even know how long it has been this time, well over a year, but he is not in any kind of recovery program or treatment.
Meanwhile he uses marijuana a lot and has all the same addicitive behaviour around it, so much so that he put his job on the line and lost it, and this is not the first time he lost a trucking job over a dirty UA.
Now I'm beginning to wonder if there's another drug like meth involved, because he is gone so much with his job and his personality has changed quite a bit lately.
Someone mentioned mental illness, and I have always suspected this and it's one of the excuses I have made for him, he had an extreme childhood and probably has fetal alcohol syndrome. but I can see where I have erred is that I never demanded ongoing treatment.
My biggest confusion is in being able to put persepctive on all this, how bad is it? I am such an expert at dealing with crisis and normalizing his stuff, that I have lost my sense of perspective.
Right now I have some breathing room while he is gone but he could return any time, so am trying to rally up some support services and some sort of plan or bottom line. It's so frustrating, I get a lot of answering machines.
I still have a part of me holding out that he can get help, but he is also such a con artist that he might act like he's getting help to play the game, but not really make any transformation.
Appreciate finding this board. Sorry this is so long, but I don't have a lot of time till he comes back and I need to take some action.
My husband is a binge drinker and can go for long periods without drinking, even as much as a year or so. I don't even know how long it has been this time, well over a year, but he is not in any kind of recovery program or treatment.
Meanwhile he uses marijuana a lot and has all the same addicitive behaviour around it, so much so that he put his job on the line and lost it, and this is not the first time he lost a trucking job over a dirty UA.
Now I'm beginning to wonder if there's another drug like meth involved, because he is gone so much with his job and his personality has changed quite a bit lately.
Someone mentioned mental illness, and I have always suspected this and it's one of the excuses I have made for him, he had an extreme childhood and probably has fetal alcohol syndrome. but I can see where I have erred is that I never demanded ongoing treatment.
My biggest confusion is in being able to put persepctive on all this, how bad is it? I am such an expert at dealing with crisis and normalizing his stuff, that I have lost my sense of perspective.
Right now I have some breathing room while he is gone but he could return any time, so am trying to rally up some support services and some sort of plan or bottom line. It's so frustrating, I get a lot of answering machines.
I still have a part of me holding out that he can get help, but he is also such a con artist that he might act like he's getting help to play the game, but not really make any transformation.
Appreciate finding this board. Sorry this is so long, but I don't have a lot of time till he comes back and I need to take some action.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: viroqua wisconsin
Posts: 7
Am feeling myself falling back into it's-not-so-bad mode. I'm having trouble getting anything done because I've been in panic mode and on the phone a lot. I want things to settle down to normal so I have to check out on how serious things are. Can't get in for a counselling appointment for over a week. Got a phone counsellor at the shelter that was very unskilled and didn't know what to say to me. I wnat to just do something normal like housework. Then I have to go out in public and be fine-fine, everything's fine when my world feels like it's falling apart. And I'm so good at playing this victim role. I've had lots of practice. 
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Posts: 6,278
How bad is too bad? I would say that only you can draw that line. But maybe this will help put it in perspective. I do not judge anyone who puts themselves at risk by staying in a relationship. You have children, though, so that makes a big difference in my mind.
Ask yourself these questions:
What if he did come take the child away in the middle of the night and, God forbid, something terrible happened? Are you willing to take that risk?
What does it teach children if we do not value them enough to protect them and take them out of harm's way? It teaches them that they are not valuable, or lovable. Then they grow up and repeat the same patterns. Is this what you want for your child(ren)?
L
Ask yourself these questions:
What if he did come take the child away in the middle of the night and, God forbid, something terrible happened? Are you willing to take that risk?
What does it teach children if we do not value them enough to protect them and take them out of harm's way? It teaches them that they are not valuable, or lovable. Then they grow up and repeat the same patterns. Is this what you want for your child(ren)?
L
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
You said, his best friend is a child molester. That would scare me into calling a crisis line. See what they would recommend. So sorry you have to go through this.
HUGS Keep coming back. Did this in haste, maybe I doubled up here.
HUGS Keep coming back. Did this in haste, maybe I doubled up here.
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Shampoohorn City
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Originally Posted by NewHorizons
The freaky stuff about this latest episode is my 6 year old daughter telling me that daddy said he's gonna get her in the middle of the night and take her on a trip. Also he's getting delusional and thinking he's having end-time visions. Is pressuring me to move to another state. I got a letter in the mail today that he had a dirty **** test and lost his truck-driving job, and his 'best friend' these days is a child molester and all-around creepy guy.
On top of all this, my ex-husband got in a bad wreck Saturday night and has a broken neck and I'm dealing with our 14 year old son who lives with him. I want to bring him down here but don't want to put him in the middle of a crisis on top of the tragedy.
On top of all this, my ex-husband got in a bad wreck Saturday night and has a broken neck and I'm dealing with our 14 year old son who lives with him. I want to bring him down here but don't want to put him in the middle of a crisis on top of the tragedy.
Why not take your daughter and go UP to where your son and his father live and stay up there for awhile. Sort some things out while being there for your son and away from your "delusional" husband and "child molester and all-around creepy guy, best friend." The distance and 'peace' of mind, may allow you the clarity to make some decisions for you and your childrens future. Also is your mom's home and option, she will be needing some physical and emotional support while receiving chemotherapy?
You and your children are in my thoughts and prayers.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Sydney NSW
Posts: 14
HIS BEST FRIEND IS A CHILD MOLESTER.
Please Sunshine. Read that line over and over. Think about the implications. His best friend is a child molester.
Think about your best friend. I know for myself that my best friend is someone i admire, we have similar likes and dislikes, i love spending time with her...
And your husbands best friend is a peadophile????
You have a six year old daughter that he wants to take away in the middle of the night. Will he have his best friend with him?
For me, that would be the line. There is no way in hell that I would be with a man who's best friend is a child molester.
((((((((sunshine))))))))
Please protect yourself and your babies...
Please Sunshine. Read that line over and over. Think about the implications. His best friend is a child molester.
Think about your best friend. I know for myself that my best friend is someone i admire, we have similar likes and dislikes, i love spending time with her...
And your husbands best friend is a peadophile????
You have a six year old daughter that he wants to take away in the middle of the night. Will he have his best friend with him?
For me, that would be the line. There is no way in hell that I would be with a man who's best friend is a child molester.
((((((((sunshine))))))))
Please protect yourself and your babies...
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I think that this is an issue where drinking is secondary. Drunk or not, when someone threatens to take your child in the middle of the night, you have a liability which would become very clear in retrospect. You may be able to keep tabs on your husband but not his friends. Your husbands friend is a known sex offender.
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