repressed

My husband seems to want to change his ways, but he still refuses to see that he is an alcoholic (mostly). He is starting to see now that he is passive aggressive but yet I see him start to sway from this realization as time goes by.

I now understand its not about working on him but about working on myself because I am the only one I can change, but I am fearful that these new promises from my husband are again false.

After reading a lot of the posts, I see that many people just can't stay in the relationship and I guess I fear this, I am still a little caught in the dream I once had about my husband, but he is good at making me feel that there is a chance, yet so many times he has done that only to fall backwards again.

Where is the fine line between belief and disbelief, he seems more convincing this time and has a sense of empathy lately that he hasn't had before, but is this derived from his fears or is it derived from his ability to finally see.

So I am caught in not knowing what to do, how do you believe someone that has lied so many times to you before, even if this one seems different. Where is my stance in all of this? What can I do to protect myself in case this is a lie but to also give him a chance to change?

I realize my anger has driven him even further away from me, and I have started to realize that this is what I need to work on the most, someone else posted about violence and there have been times I have been so angry that I did things that I regretted. I have decided that I will change this despite whatever he does but there is a fearful part of me that worries we will go down that path again. I don't want to do anything to hurt anyone anymore.

I am starting to also realize that there is a void in my life I need to fill, I was using the hopes for him to love me as a filler for that void even though when I first got in this relationship I swore to myself never to do that again with a man, but I allowed it somehow, a need to be loved by someone since my mom couldn't provide me the loved I so desired.

I realize this is the answer somehow to my own anger and my ability to allow myself to be tricked into believing him, perhaps I just need a guided caution where i give him a chance and treat him well in the hopes that he will change this time, but at the same time not allowing my hopes to rise to high that he ends up falsly filling a void that I need to fill in myself.

I realize that I need to learn to love without recieving it back and to somehow be ok with that knowing that loving is the most important thing. But I guess I still question, will he ever change when he only partially admits to being an alcoholic and still wants to continue to drink, or perhaps his inability to change is somehow connected to his addictions since he is still looking for a route of escape.

Any thoughts?

unstablelady

Lots of thoughts honey, and lots of empathy. I have just read your post after telling my ah that I want him to leave, I had to re-read your post as it could have been me writing it!
I too have heard all of the promises and the lies, I read on here somewhere yesterday 'How can you tell when an alcoholic is lying....hes moving his mouth'. How very true that statement is, lately, his lies have not been covered as wellas they usually are, as the disease is intensifying and I have busted his story a few times this week. Still though, he attempts to make me feel that I have got it wrong and am going mad, even when the 'evidence' is there to prove otherwise.
Looking at your profile you have youth on your side and I guess I want to say to you leave and don't look back .... but how can I say that to you when I havent yet done it myself.

I too have been in the situation where he has got me so angry I have punched him in the face, nearly breaking my hand ! Quite funny in the respect of the fact that I'm all of just 5feet tall and hes nearly 6 ft. Mind he was laying down at the time and virtually comatosed!!!

But thats what they drive us to, you would never beleive that I was the strong mother who nursed her son through cancer, now...I am a shell of that person and 90% because of what I have allowed him to get away with. They have names for people like us I beleive, arent we the Enablers...perhaps we should form a group has a nice ring to it doesnt it.
Im sorry I dont mean to make fun of this sorry situation but if I dont Im going to end in floods of tears and tonight I have to stay strong, for unless he agrees to some serious help I am not going to hold his hand anymore.

I sincerely wish you all the very best of luck, and I am sorry I cannot be more positive for you.

Sharon xx

repressed

Thank you unstablelady, I didn't see anything wrong in the way you replied, as much as I don't want to face the truth there is that need to see with clarity in order to move forward in my life. I am wishful of his changing and right now I have no choice but to stay, but I guess I am already planning that a few years from now I will be gone if he doesn't really go through with his promises as he always seems to do.

I am grateful for your reply and the support this board has brought me so far, I don't like some of what I hear but only because sometimes the truth hurts but my ignorance can hurt even more. To live in the pretense of what he promised to be and not in what he has shown to be has only hurt me.

I feel grateful that you would tell me about your own experiences with anger, it helps me to see things more accuratly. I talked to my therapist about my anger today and she was pointing out that he gets me riled up so that he can than justify what he does to me. It makes sense since I read about enabeling on the stickies above, I enable him in many ways, mainly in the way that he treats me.

So I guess I have to hope in myself and my love to withstand this and hope that my future brings me happiness no matter if it is with him or without him.

Your statement sounds a lot like what I think deep inside, I see this human I am who has went against so much of what I believe in due to the ways that I reacted to his mental abuse, when I used to be this strong woman who escaped her last abusive husband and fought tooth and nail to free my children from this ex husband (ex abuser) of mine, only to be caught up in more drama in my life. I guess what I have started to learn within is that I am still that woman who is strong and has good intentions as you are still that woman, it is just that we have learned to cope in the only ways we knew how.

Sunlight

repressed
i've been dating a guy who drinks alot; after reading your post ,i can tell there must be alot of rage living with an acoholic,i've never been as upset as i have been the last year;reading these post i can see how acohol can destroy relationships.(first time i've ever been involved with anyone who drank)now i know why
i've been reading about codependency;it really help to see alot of what was going on;i was almost convinced everything was my fault.
we are not married and i have no children with him.
thanks for sharing your story, my heart goes out to you,turn to your family for help if you can.

unstablelady

Hello again,
I'm glad that you have been able to take a little comfort from my reply. I have extracted the above from your reply as it seems that you and I have quite a bit in common.

I dont really want to go into too much detail on this site but I too escaped my previous marriage with 3 children, to the extent that we just up and left whilst he was at work.
I have started to write about SOME of the trauma that I experienced that time through a blog www.sadhouse.blogspot.com although to be honest so far I have written very little as to re-visit memories can be very upsetting.

I just wanted you to know that you are definatly not alone unless you want to be, I just so wish I could have received a fraction of the support back then as I get now from this site.
Keep reading the posts as I do and it will reassure you that it is them with the problem not us.

Sharon xx

sammiejam

Hi Guys,

Just wanted to add my 2c worth.

I dont think they are "lying" as such when they make these promises.

I believe that my ex WANTED the fantasy of living a wonderful, alcoholic drama free existance just as much as i did.

He could see that i refused to accept reality as it was and that I constructed a world inside my head where his drinking/gambling/terrible behaviour was not "that" bad and i was comfortable with my dream world because it meant I didnt have to make any changes to the status quo.

When his alcoholic behaviour was so bad that it forced me to admit the REALITY of our lives and act upon it, he knew exactly what to say to CONVINCE me that my fantasy world was something that was very achievable in the near future.

And I am sure that at that moment, he was not just convincing me but himself as well. But the disease makes it impossible. His disease of A and mine of Enabling. So back and forth we went for years.


I still miss my fantasy life at times. I hate the reality of what we had become. I was so far in denial it was crazy. Crazier than his drinking I think! His ONS was the thing that bought me round faster than a bucket of icewater.

He is gone but i watch his life from a distance and nothing has changed except now that there is someone else trying to fool themselves into believing he can make good on his promises. And he is worse to her than he was to me. Thats the progression of it I suppose.

I am not saying there is no hope, but as my grandmother used to say- if you always do what youve always done, then will always get what you always got.

Makes sense lol.

I hoped against hope that he would realise what he needed to do to make his life managable and that he would make changes and come back to me with some remorse but he didnt. He just found someone else who doesnt have boundries.

I still have hope for him but just not while i am in close range. And guess what? Its so much easier to heal when you are not getting repeatedly disappointed!

So i guess what i am trying to say is that you dont need to give up hope for them, but you need to make sure that the unfulfilment of these empty promises dont kill all the hopes you have for yourself.

Take care and hugs to you...

unstablelady

QUOTE=sammiejam

I am not saying there is no hope, but as my grandmother used to say- if you always do what youve always done, then will always get what you always got.

Makes sense lol.



I really like that Sammiejam

Sharonxx

JenIsLost

Hi! I am new to this site but I wanted to add to this post.

I have been with my AH for 5 years and he kept saying that he was done drinking and then the next time he did, he would say it was the last big shabang before he quit. I threatened a couple of times to leave him but I never did b/c I was so scared, we have 2 small kids and no where to go. This past weekend he finally went too far and I spoke with a friend who convinced me to leave, and I finally did. I had to stop thinking about how scared I was and think about my babies. Even though my husband isn't verbally or physically abusive when he's drunk he's still scary and brooding. My kids don't need that. I left him a letter letting him know that we can't live like this anymore, which I was amazed at how civil I kept it, and I also let him know where I was staying so he could call. He called and cried and told me this was the worst thing I could have possibly done to him. He said he would do anything, so I would come home. Everyday this week he has gone to AA and only time will tell if he keeps up with it, but if I see progress, I won't lose hope.

I know this was long winded, but I had a point (I think). Leaving may be hard, on you and on him, but it might get you rolling in the right direction. I hope I made sense!!

Jennifer

Cynay

Welcome to SR....

Its hard no matter what the decisions are, but remember the only thing you can change is you. There drinking really has nothing to do with their love of us, children etc... and it is the nature of the disease to get worse.

The only thing that worked for me was to take the focus off him, to REALLY look at my life and stop expecting him to be the person "I" thought he should/could be. I realized that my behavior was pretty insane, and almost selfish to the extent of my trying to controll who he was/his behavior/his future... Now dont get me wrong, That life is/was not acceptable to me, but that is my point.... What did I want.

In the end there is no us, I have not even had contact with him since 5/05... but what I did realize is his life is his choice, not mine to make.... my life is my responsibility and once I started working on me it was amazing how much different my attitude, outlook and achievements.

Life is good, mostly because of working on myself and taking charge of my wants/needs/dreams.... I wish him the best, I lost the anger and disapoitment ... all by working on my life and recovery.

Pick-a-name

Hasn't happened (yet?) in my life but I am told to look for: ACTIONS, NOT WORDS. If, and when they are serious about getting well, you will know it. (Don't let them back, etc too soon...so they can rely on themselves and their program for their recovery...not you. As it would happen, I read a chapter in Getting Them Sober2 about this last night.)

Best of luck to you both.