Just to get this OUT!!!
Day by day....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: NW GA
Posts: 357
Just to get this OUT!!!
Here I sit with a rather bad case of insomnia. I need to get up at 6am to get my children off to school and myself to work - I am one of those people who doesn't function well without my 8 hours+ but instead of being snug in the bed I'm here letting my father rent space in my head. So I'm hopeful that a good rant will blow off some steam and clear my brain. Lucky you!! So you get to listen to another dynamic I hate my father venting session. I appologize in advance for the length of it - but I must get it out before I burst. 
I don't know why I keep trying. I've been told by my therapist that my dad only adds to keeping me in sick patterns and that I should work toward divorcing him from my life. Somehow I can't bring myself to completely do that. I'm 37 years old chronologically, but sometimes I fill like I'm about 5 years old again looking for the approval of a parent who is not equipped to provide it.
I guess sometimes the battle is won in baby steps and I have made some progress with boundaries and with allowing myself to get angry and express my feelings instead of stuffing them. I get self destructive after stuffing for long enough. I am unfortunately one of those that long ago found out that drugs can help me escape my feelings and continue to stuff all the bad things way down deep inside. We wouldn't want to let the bad stuff out because it might make someone angry right? That's the way I learned to live - keep it inside so nobody else gets angry, raises their voice or leaves me feeling that everything is my fault anyway. If I can just be quiet enough, agreeable enough and completely self sacrificing, I can control my environment and keep the peace a little while longer. What a mess. I found myself spiraling out of control and landed in rehab in my mid 20's because of all the stuffing and self medicating. I spent the next 11 years in recovery.
Somewhere along the way though I failed the lesson about letting your feelings out, learning to deal with them and practicing self-preservation. So I continued to stuff, walk around on egg shells and pretend all was well. As you might guess that didn't work forever and in 2004 I hit a relapse that I never really saw coming until the choice was made to keep cramming pills down my throat long after the legitimate need for them ended. The next 12 months consisted of shame, guilt, fear, pain, anger, self hatred and depression along with the never ending cycle of taper, withdraw, use again, quit cold turkey, suffer, use and withdraw again. I finally got past that and now of course I find myself left with the same emotional issues and unhealthy patterns I started out with.
So on to the issue at hand. My dad and I have a strained relationship to say the least. If you've read any of my history in other posts here you know a bit about that. In short from the age of 5 on he drank and drugged, beat my mother almost daily, physically and emotionally abused me and controlled everyone and everything in our lives. There are lots of scars and I won't go into all the details right now. But I've never forgiven him and I don't think I ever will. In the present time my dad had alienated every single friend and family member in his life. He has conned, scammed and abused every relationship he ever had, even my mother finally got the strength to leave a few years ago. He is a sick, lonely and angry old man and you can believe that in it's self is someone elses fault too. I can never remember him owning responsibility for any of the pain caused over the years. Not sure he is even capable of it.
I am the solitary member of the family who has anything to do with him at all. He is in very poor health and occasionally needs help getting groceries, getting to doctors appointments and picking up his medication from the paharmacy. He currently has no health coverage and his prescriptions total over $600.00 a month which he must pirchase with a credit card because it's the only way. I recently did alot of work getting him enrolled in prescription assistance programs to get that medication supplied for free. It takes a long time for these things to get processed and we are just beginning to see some approvals on the medication applications. So today there were four medications in that he wanted me to go and pick up for him. I did so and he later came over to my office to pick them up. As he looked in the bag he said to me - WHAT IS THIS? You rmedication of course. Where is the REST of it? Well dad some of the application approvals haven't come through yet maybe -we'll give it some time. TIME? That's BS... this won't do me any good!!
Ummm..hello? How could that be possible? This was about $1200.00 dollars worth of free medication - a 3 month supply of some of the more expensive meds he needs to stay alive. F-R-E-E!! I tried to point out to him how much better something was as opposed to nothing and how much money this saved. He was angry and I was so baffled I couldn't believe it. I rarely have any expectations with him - I learned that long ago and yet I suppose I expected a thank you? It really made me angry and hurt. But it wasn't the first time and won't be the last if I continue to interact with him.
He was suddenly very ill about 2 years ago and in the intensive care unit at the hospital awaiting transfer to Emory University Hospital. At that time the family was told that his chances were slim and there was little chance of him surviving the procedure. He knew this as well and that afternoon when we were allowed a visit my husband and I went and took my son. Of course I was upset and afraid for him because in spite of everything he is my dad and I didn't want him to die. That night he told my husband what a wonderful man he is, how much he loved him and was glad he was in the family. Told my son how much he loved him and cherished him as if he were his own and told him his hopes for him for the future. He never once even acknowledged I was in the room and said nothing to me except gave me a list of personal items he wanted me to bring to the hospital for him. I made it to the car and I fell apart. I don't remember ever feeling so crushed and heart broken. I felt like a child who had just been dumped somewhere by a beloved parent. That might seem silly - but I felt so hurt and emotionally crushed that this man did not even say I love you to me - I am his only child. I don't think I ever got over that along with all the other things I never got over I guess. Somehow today that memory came flooding back even though the situation and circumstances were completely different.
I don't know...I just needed to dump all of that and atleast now I am feeling tired enough to hopefully rest. I just know that I couldn't stuff this and continue with my old behavior - so dumping it here is getting it out of my heart and off my chest.
I know this was long and if you've made it this far thank you for reading it. Perhaps another person out there can relate to these feelings and maybe feel a little less alone. I know I used to think my screwed up family was so "unique" and that nobody else could have such a cold, mean and unloving parent. I was wrong. I have learned by finding this forum that I am not alone and I can tell people things like this and they will sit there and read and relate because they have been right where I am. Just knowing you are not alone can be such a gift.
Finally off to bed. Thank you for listening! :sad6:
I don't know why I keep trying. I've been told by my therapist that my dad only adds to keeping me in sick patterns and that I should work toward divorcing him from my life. Somehow I can't bring myself to completely do that. I'm 37 years old chronologically, but sometimes I fill like I'm about 5 years old again looking for the approval of a parent who is not equipped to provide it.
I guess sometimes the battle is won in baby steps and I have made some progress with boundaries and with allowing myself to get angry and express my feelings instead of stuffing them. I get self destructive after stuffing for long enough. I am unfortunately one of those that long ago found out that drugs can help me escape my feelings and continue to stuff all the bad things way down deep inside. We wouldn't want to let the bad stuff out because it might make someone angry right? That's the way I learned to live - keep it inside so nobody else gets angry, raises their voice or leaves me feeling that everything is my fault anyway. If I can just be quiet enough, agreeable enough and completely self sacrificing, I can control my environment and keep the peace a little while longer. What a mess. I found myself spiraling out of control and landed in rehab in my mid 20's because of all the stuffing and self medicating. I spent the next 11 years in recovery.
Somewhere along the way though I failed the lesson about letting your feelings out, learning to deal with them and practicing self-preservation. So I continued to stuff, walk around on egg shells and pretend all was well. As you might guess that didn't work forever and in 2004 I hit a relapse that I never really saw coming until the choice was made to keep cramming pills down my throat long after the legitimate need for them ended. The next 12 months consisted of shame, guilt, fear, pain, anger, self hatred and depression along with the never ending cycle of taper, withdraw, use again, quit cold turkey, suffer, use and withdraw again. I finally got past that and now of course I find myself left with the same emotional issues and unhealthy patterns I started out with.
So on to the issue at hand. My dad and I have a strained relationship to say the least. If you've read any of my history in other posts here you know a bit about that. In short from the age of 5 on he drank and drugged, beat my mother almost daily, physically and emotionally abused me and controlled everyone and everything in our lives. There are lots of scars and I won't go into all the details right now. But I've never forgiven him and I don't think I ever will. In the present time my dad had alienated every single friend and family member in his life. He has conned, scammed and abused every relationship he ever had, even my mother finally got the strength to leave a few years ago. He is a sick, lonely and angry old man and you can believe that in it's self is someone elses fault too. I can never remember him owning responsibility for any of the pain caused over the years. Not sure he is even capable of it.
I am the solitary member of the family who has anything to do with him at all. He is in very poor health and occasionally needs help getting groceries, getting to doctors appointments and picking up his medication from the paharmacy. He currently has no health coverage and his prescriptions total over $600.00 a month which he must pirchase with a credit card because it's the only way. I recently did alot of work getting him enrolled in prescription assistance programs to get that medication supplied for free. It takes a long time for these things to get processed and we are just beginning to see some approvals on the medication applications. So today there were four medications in that he wanted me to go and pick up for him. I did so and he later came over to my office to pick them up. As he looked in the bag he said to me - WHAT IS THIS? You rmedication of course. Where is the REST of it? Well dad some of the application approvals haven't come through yet maybe -we'll give it some time. TIME? That's BS... this won't do me any good!!
Ummm..hello? How could that be possible? This was about $1200.00 dollars worth of free medication - a 3 month supply of some of the more expensive meds he needs to stay alive. F-R-E-E!! I tried to point out to him how much better something was as opposed to nothing and how much money this saved. He was angry and I was so baffled I couldn't believe it. I rarely have any expectations with him - I learned that long ago and yet I suppose I expected a thank you? It really made me angry and hurt. But it wasn't the first time and won't be the last if I continue to interact with him.
He was suddenly very ill about 2 years ago and in the intensive care unit at the hospital awaiting transfer to Emory University Hospital. At that time the family was told that his chances were slim and there was little chance of him surviving the procedure. He knew this as well and that afternoon when we were allowed a visit my husband and I went and took my son. Of course I was upset and afraid for him because in spite of everything he is my dad and I didn't want him to die. That night he told my husband what a wonderful man he is, how much he loved him and was glad he was in the family. Told my son how much he loved him and cherished him as if he were his own and told him his hopes for him for the future. He never once even acknowledged I was in the room and said nothing to me except gave me a list of personal items he wanted me to bring to the hospital for him. I made it to the car and I fell apart. I don't remember ever feeling so crushed and heart broken. I felt like a child who had just been dumped somewhere by a beloved parent. That might seem silly - but I felt so hurt and emotionally crushed that this man did not even say I love you to me - I am his only child. I don't think I ever got over that along with all the other things I never got over I guess. Somehow today that memory came flooding back even though the situation and circumstances were completely different.
I don't know...I just needed to dump all of that and atleast now I am feeling tired enough to hopefully rest. I just know that I couldn't stuff this and continue with my old behavior - so dumping it here is getting it out of my heart and off my chest.
I know this was long and if you've made it this far thank you for reading it. Perhaps another person out there can relate to these feelings and maybe feel a little less alone. I know I used to think my screwed up family was so "unique" and that nobody else could have such a cold, mean and unloving parent. I was wrong. I have learned by finding this forum that I am not alone and I can tell people things like this and they will sit there and read and relate because they have been right where I am. Just knowing you are not alone can be such a gift.
Finally off to bed. Thank you for listening! :sad6:
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Seal Beach, CA
Posts: 9
Glad You Got It Out!
Begin,
I am pretty new to this forum, but I've found it so helpful and posts like yours really do help many people to feel like they're not alone (me included). Thank you so much for sharing.
It's so frustrating when you just do and do and do for these people and they just seem to suck it up and not appreciate it. My mother is 74 and in the end stages of cirrhosis and congestive heart failure, in and out of nursing homes and the hospital, needs to move to assisted living and has no money. So my brother and I have basically turned our lives upside down to be there for her to manage her care, help pay for what's needed, only to be yelled at for not getting the right TV Guide or some other stupid thing. I just keep telling myself to remember my boundaries and not let it completely consume my life but at the same time, when this is all over, I want to know that I did the right thing and not have any regrets. It's so difficult to try and keep that balance and I can understand your situation.
I have to believe that somewhere, deep down inside, what we do is touching their hearts and they really do appreciate it. They take it out on us because they feel most comfortable with us. I guess in some weird way, that is actually a compliment.
It's forums like these and supportive friends and family that help us through it. Thanks again for sharing.. Hope you got some sleep!
I am pretty new to this forum, but I've found it so helpful and posts like yours really do help many people to feel like they're not alone (me included). Thank you so much for sharing.
It's so frustrating when you just do and do and do for these people and they just seem to suck it up and not appreciate it.
My mother is 74 and in the end stages of cirrhosis and congestive heart failure, in and out of nursing homes and the hospital, needs to move to assisted living and has no money. So my brother and I have basically turned our lives upside down to be there for her to manage her care, help pay for what's needed, only to be yelled at for not getting the right TV Guide or some other stupid thing. I just keep telling myself to remember my boundaries and not let it completely consume my life but at the same time, when this is all over, I want to know that I did the right thing and not have any regrets. It's so difficult to try and keep that balance and I can understand your situation.I have to believe that somewhere, deep down inside, what we do is touching their hearts and they really do appreciate it. They take it out on us because they feel most comfortable with us. I guess in some weird way, that is actually a compliment.
It's forums like these and supportive friends and family that help us through it. Thanks again for sharing.. Hope you got some sleep!
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
BeginAgain - your feelings are legitimate and you have every right to feel discounted. The man is emotionally and socially ********. If you need to continue to expose yourself to him, perhaps you can view him in this light - too disabled by his emotions and lack of them to truly function in this world.
The child inside him, the one God knows, is feeling your love... he has absolutely no way to show you his appreciation.
I wish you the best....
The child inside him, the one God knows, is feeling your love... he has absolutely no way to show you his appreciation.
I wish you the best....
Day by day....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: NW GA
Posts: 357
Emotionally and socially ********...that is perfect. I never thought of it that way but it is the best description I've ever read.
I wish I didn't have to expose myself to him - and in reality I suppose I could choose not to. My therapist keeps telling me that is in my future - cutting all ties. To this point I haven't been able to bring myself to do that, I suppose it'm partially my codependence but I can't feel good about turning my back on him completely. I have very little contact really and I keep him at arms length but I still find myself affected by his coldness and his unloving attitude.
Thanks to everyone for the feedback and for sharing with me about your own struggles. I get alot out of it.
Yes I finally got some sleep - had two days of pretty bad insomnia but I caught up last night.
I wish I didn't have to expose myself to him - and in reality I suppose I could choose not to. My therapist keeps telling me that is in my future - cutting all ties. To this point I haven't been able to bring myself to do that, I suppose it'm partially my codependence but I can't feel good about turning my back on him completely. I have very little contact really and I keep him at arms length but I still find myself affected by his coldness and his unloving attitude.
Thanks to everyone for the feedback and for sharing with me about your own struggles. I get alot out of it.
Yes I finally got some sleep - had two days of pretty bad insomnia but I caught up last night.
Truth Seeker
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 39
Beginagain,
Reading your post made me cy because i could feel all of the hurt that you have. It made me think about how much i hurt also. Anways, I think that you have done more than enough to cater to your father's needs. Yes he is sick, yes he needs to be taken care of. You don't have to do it. Yow know how i feel about my father, and how if he was in the state that your's was in... i wouldn't think twice to let him rot to death. If you have tried every single possible means of showing how much you care and gone more than the extra mile is enough. You've done more than what was asked of you. You see, there are people in this world that cannot and should not have any means of being able to control others like the way our fathers do. He shouldn't deserve to have you use a single breath on. The incident at the hopsital you talked about broke my heart. You shouldn't have people, espeically a parent, treat you like that. I know you said that you are not quiet ready to just let him go, but if you continue this any longer than it has.. your just making yourself worse. He is going to pass on and you will still be dealing with the scares he left behind. letting him have a part of your life hasn't done you any good. Please take care, your in my thoughts & prayers.
-Preciouz
Reading your post made me cy because i could feel all of the hurt that you have. It made me think about how much i hurt also. Anways, I think that you have done more than enough to cater to your father's needs. Yes he is sick, yes he needs to be taken care of. You don't have to do it. Yow know how i feel about my father, and how if he was in the state that your's was in... i wouldn't think twice to let him rot to death. If you have tried every single possible means of showing how much you care and gone more than the extra mile is enough. You've done more than what was asked of you. You see, there are people in this world that cannot and should not have any means of being able to control others like the way our fathers do. He shouldn't deserve to have you use a single breath on. The incident at the hopsital you talked about broke my heart. You shouldn't have people, espeically a parent, treat you like that. I know you said that you are not quiet ready to just let him go, but if you continue this any longer than it has.. your just making yourself worse. He is going to pass on and you will still be dealing with the scares he left behind. letting him have a part of your life hasn't done you any good. Please take care, your in my thoughts & prayers.
-Preciouz
Day by day....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: NW GA
Posts: 357
Preciouz you truly are precious and don't let anyone else convince you otherwise. I've been putting up with this crap for so many years it's second nature, of course that doesn't stop it from hurting sometimes. It's actually much, much better than it used to be. I have definitely made huge progress and anyone who knows me can attest to that. But I have my days, like the day I wrote this, where he really really gets to me and it usually drags up some other emotional incident like the time at the hospital.
My therapist says it's very important for me to keep working through this stuff before my dad dies. I get where she is coming from though I never thought about it until she brought it up - do I want him to continue controlling me from the grave? No way.
The scars are just that but they are beginning to heal and talking about them is a part of that healing. There are so many issues I'm working through right now that I'm taking baby steps. If I don't pace myself I'll be overwhelmed and in information overload. I don't do well when I get overwhelmed emotionally so I'm taking it easy right now. Still moving forward, but just a few weeks ago I was trying to deal with too much too quick. Ricght now I am number one and that is how it must be. Everything else comes second. As selfish as that might sound coming from a wife and mother of two - it is what it is. I can tell you if I don't take care of me first - I sure can't take care of anyone else.
Thank you to all who have responded here incase I haven't already said that. I appreciate you all so much. I love my little cyber family here.
My therapist says it's very important for me to keep working through this stuff before my dad dies. I get where she is coming from though I never thought about it until she brought it up - do I want him to continue controlling me from the grave? No way.
The scars are just that but they are beginning to heal and talking about them is a part of that healing. There are so many issues I'm working through right now that I'm taking baby steps. If I don't pace myself I'll be overwhelmed and in information overload. I don't do well when I get overwhelmed emotionally so I'm taking it easy right now. Still moving forward, but just a few weeks ago I was trying to deal with too much too quick. Ricght now I am number one and that is how it must be. Everything else comes second. As selfish as that might sound coming from a wife and mother of two - it is what it is. I can tell you if I don't take care of me first - I sure can't take care of anyone else.
Thank you to all who have responded here incase I haven't already said that. I appreciate you all so much. I love my little cyber family here.
Truth Seeker
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 39
Beginagain
Its okay having your moments & those days.. it happens. Also Putting yourself first doesnt make you sound selfish at all!! You have to care take of you first. We're all here for you, I'm here for you!
Its okay having your moments & those days.. it happens. Also Putting yourself first doesnt make you sound selfish at all!! You have to care take of you first. We're all here for you, I'm here for you!
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