guyinNC

Hi Guys,

Some of you may be familiar with my little Jerry Springer Life.
I let my wayward, alcoholic wife stay in my home over Christmas when she broke her ankle. I brought her in, sobered her up, got her ankle repaired, let her spend Christmas with me and the kids....then bought her a one way ticket home to her parents.

Well she has to come back again next week for court and another surgery. She wanted to stay with me again. But I am following the advice of my family, friends and my lawyer....she can't stay with me!

Well this has pissed off her family. We are legally seperated and she did her best to **** me over with her drunk lovers and her DWI's etc. etc.

I wish her no harm, I want her to recover, get on her feet and restore her relationship with her kids. But I need to move on and I do not need to screw up my divorce.

So why the hell do I feel guilty??????

harleygirl92156

Because your a nice person!!! Do what is best for you and the kids. The guilt will pass.

best

I don't see anything wrong with helping out a person that is down on their luck.
Sober and respectful, it could be a good bonding with the children.

Rude and drunk...well that is a boundary line. Cross the line, situation changes.

Pick-a-name

Same here (but I'm a softy; probably how I got here!ha).
Maybe if she follows YOUR terms,OK. If not, call her a cab to the nearest hotel. (You surely could send her things to the lobby!) I am assuming your children would be OK with her being there. If not; then that is another consideration, especially depending on their ages. JMO

gelfling

Better pissed off than pissed on. You've had your share of being the recipient.

IMO...I think you would be best to stand firm in your decision. You are legally separated and owe her nothing. You went above and beyond the call of duty at Christmas time. Now, it's up to them to figure it all out. I would not be happy to have her at the house with the kids and then things flare up and get out of control. Then her having to move into a motel. Too much unhealthy drama for them.

Jazzman

Yes you do And no you don't!
Her recovery is not in your hands. Don't let her parents influence you on what is right for you and the girls.

cwohio

couldn't have said it better myself.

robina

Guy, you have come a long way in the last few months. Don't blink now.

Setting boundaries is really healthy for you, your kids, and also for your ex-wife. It will give her a solid understanding that the safety net is gone, and that she needs to work her own recovery. She needs this to survive her disease.

PS - you feel bad because you are a decent, loving man. Don't let the disease drag you back down. Stand firm.

Cap3

Hey guy,please,look into the reason that you are feeling guilty.Take your time.Look and search into this with an open mind,and heart.
You say that she did her best to---me over..Has she done, this today or are you mixing up the past with the present?Where is she at today?Has she been sober sence she left your place at Christmas?What has she been doing for her own recovery?What have you been doing with your recovery?
Im not understanding why your lawyer is against you letting she stay at your place,under "these" conditions.Unless you both plan to go to bed with each other,then things are going as planed for your divorce.
I can see why her folks would want you to take her in.Probably,and im only guessing here,i dont know these folks.The last time she was with you,you helped her.Helping is ok in my books,enabling is whats the issue,.From what you have posted,and this is what im going by,if you let her stay at your place,you are helping,not enabling her.
When making those hard decisions in my life i take my time.No rushing,even if others want me to rush,lol.I pray.I talk with others.I pray again,until im clear,on whats best to do with isuues that are hard.I cannot see the future.I really dont know for sure how things will for sure,work out.But as long as im feeling good about my own decisions,then im ok.Although things may not work out as i had planed.The fact is that after doing the above,and handing this over to God,asking for,His, directions,then things worked out the way they are suppose to work out.No guilt,or remorse,on my part.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,and take care!!!!

FriendofBill

The guilt was bred into me from childhood.

"You must ALWAYS do for others, sweetie, and dont ever put your needs first".

So, now that you are putting your needs first, you feel wrong, guilty.

Just unlearn all the negative traits that bred codependency and learn new, positive self love traits, and all will be well.

The guilt will pass and the next time you say no, it will be much easier. Guaranteed!

Cynay

Ohhhhhh foul play on the In Laws part.

I agree I WOULD NOT let my ex stay with me. I was amazed that you were able to do what you did at Christmas... but this is not your issue.

1. Children need stabilty... they need to know what you say is what you mean. You have told them its over with you and the mom... the kids are peaceful and happy... letting her stay there now is going to make the wonder how "over" this really is.

2. She left you, you are not responsible for making sure she has a place to stay. This is her issues, this is what happens when you do what she did. You are not her safty net and she really does need to understand that.

3. She created the problems... dont rob her of the lesson on how to fix things when you screw up.

4. It is not healthy for you. You have made the decision to move on. The guilt is just a feeling that will pass. I could understand if she had so recovery and time sober under her belt.. but she does not, the thinking has not changed and the poision is still there. You have been effected enough, you made your choices... stay strong in them now.

This is only my view points... But I would stay as far away from that toxic relationship as possible... let yourself heal and give you and your daughters the peace of knowing when you come home its peaceful.

pmaslan

Guy...I have to say I totally agree with Cynay.....
Time to pack the guilt trip up and send it on its way.....

guyinNC

I needed that support. I will continue to be nice and encourage her to recover and repair her relationship with the kids.

But she is on her own....by her choice. She wanted to be independent....she got what she wanted.

She only has herself to care for. Her revelation has come true....She had said she had done so much for others for so long...it was time to look after herself and be selfish. Sometimes its a curse to get what you want!

But I do wish her the best!

ASpouse

Guy from this post, I still don't think you get it. If you were recovering with a program, you would not feel this way. You still sound very angry at her and almost as if you could, you would throw it in her face. She knows this stuff ...... Let Go and Let God.

If her relationship with her kids is to be repaired, it will be. I hope your kids are getting some sort of help to be forgiving when that day comes, if it comes. With your anger, it mustn't be easy for them!

guyinNC

No.... not anger aspouse. Sadness for our lives being destroyed, sadness!

I have forgiven her....the kids know this. What I say here or to others is not what I say to them. I tell them she is sick with the desease of alcoholism, that she loves them, and hopefully she will get better.

How should I feel? To be betrayed, to have your kids ignored, to have the person you invited to share your life throw it away for another?

I have moved through the grieving process.....still not complete....nor will I be for a long time.

But life goes on......

ASpouse

Anger manifests itself in many ways .... sadness is one of them. You are still moving through the grieving process and even the best of us have a problem understanding and believing that alcoholism is a disease, I wonder how your kids comprehend that concept?

If you are truly moving through the grieving process, I think the feelings of betrayal and sadness will dissipate. One of these days, when you least expect it, you will have a lightbulb moment and a great burden will be lifted off of your shoulders. You aren't there yet, in my very humble opinion.

If you are angry that's fine, my issue is admitting it...... feel the way you feel, but don't say you don't because you want it to go away. I tell everyone I know who deals with the loss of a child that the grieving process takes time, there is no time limit, there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. Patience is a key to the entire process.

guyinNC

So True.......

Pick-a-name

Well, when you put it that way; I see SHE has given you your answer. If that is what she wanted, by all means don't deny her that wish!

CatsTail

You feel guilty because you are taking care of yourself.

She can stay in a hotel.

Ngaire