the holidays were tough
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: north carolina
Posts: 365
the holidays were tough
on me. i say this feeling at the same time very guilty....when i think of christie and others who had more difficult things to deal with.
Christmas,though i spent time with my son(who cooked a great xmas dinner) and daughter (and their s/o s'),and got great gifts..........well,i spent much more time alone than i ever have. over new years my oldest son and his s/o came to visit,with more great gifts..and its always great to see him....but mixed in was all my kids moodiness, my sons' sibling rivalry,which causes my daughter to get upset-not to mention me. all in all it was more pleasant than not,but ya just cant help but wonder why everyone cant just get along without the bickering,and if being disfunctional is the NORM these days......lol............or is it just US!!
all through this,i was putting forth my best effort to not think about j,and that confusing messed up relationship,along with wondering and being envious about his holiday with the new woman. my worst times are at night when i go to sleep-or try--and as soon as i wake up. it seems as if now,it has turned to alot of anger. i keep thinking about all the contradictions on his part. and there were sooooooo many.
one night i couldnt sleep,and started messing with my computer and found files that i deleted.....of him calling his ex bosses wife all kinds of not so nice names after i had been mad that she was hanging all over him,and he not doing anything about it. because as they BOTH had said,she signed his paycheck. i dont know who i was more angered at--then, and that sleepness night,her or him. i felt like she probably felt i was an idiot,(because before that she had also told me some things he supposedly said about our relationship,that he denied),and so i came very close to emailing her the conversations....because she and her now ex husband are still friends with my ex---the hypocrite. and i wanted her to realize if i was an idiot,she is more so. i wanted to hurt her,the way she hurt me. i know i am rambling here........well anyway,i have managed to stifle myself......telling myself it all doesnt matter anymore. because i dont care about him anymore....though i am still very hurt by all the confusion of the relationship,and after.and i certainly dont care at all about HER. and,i have way more class and dignity then the bosses wife,who was drunk off her butt when this happened in public....way more class than their whole crowd,that is probably nothing more than a bunch of drinking hypocrites.
i was so blind back then,i didnt even realize how much of a hypocrite j is. and it is one thing i despise.
i keep reminding myself this was not the relationship i wanted. for so many reasons.which was why i left him. and gave him to someone else.
but,its also hard to keep perspective....thinking about being older and time. when you never get asked out. when you wonder why it is you have never found the right one.
and it feels good to know that i dont need to be with a man.(for me,as it always has)
it feels good to have my own place,pay my own bills,make my own decisions,.but in all honesty,i would be lying if i said i dont want any more relationships in my life. though,at the same time-for the first time in my whole entire life,i am very scared of it. so,its a double edged sword because at times its a relief not to meet anyone.
well, anyway, i for one am just glad the holidays this year are over. hopefully by next years', time will have erased the hurts and confusion and my kids moods might even make me laugh!!!
Christmas,though i spent time with my son(who cooked a great xmas dinner) and daughter (and their s/o s'),and got great gifts..........well,i spent much more time alone than i ever have. over new years my oldest son and his s/o came to visit,with more great gifts..and its always great to see him....but mixed in was all my kids moodiness, my sons' sibling rivalry,which causes my daughter to get upset-not to mention me. all in all it was more pleasant than not,but ya just cant help but wonder why everyone cant just get along without the bickering,and if being disfunctional is the NORM these days......lol............or is it just US!!
all through this,i was putting forth my best effort to not think about j,and that confusing messed up relationship,along with wondering and being envious about his holiday with the new woman. my worst times are at night when i go to sleep-or try--and as soon as i wake up. it seems as if now,it has turned to alot of anger. i keep thinking about all the contradictions on his part. and there were sooooooo many.
one night i couldnt sleep,and started messing with my computer and found files that i deleted.....of him calling his ex bosses wife all kinds of not so nice names after i had been mad that she was hanging all over him,and he not doing anything about it. because as they BOTH had said,she signed his paycheck. i dont know who i was more angered at--then, and that sleepness night,her or him. i felt like she probably felt i was an idiot,(because before that she had also told me some things he supposedly said about our relationship,that he denied),and so i came very close to emailing her the conversations....because she and her now ex husband are still friends with my ex---the hypocrite. and i wanted her to realize if i was an idiot,she is more so. i wanted to hurt her,the way she hurt me. i know i am rambling here........well anyway,i have managed to stifle myself......telling myself it all doesnt matter anymore. because i dont care about him anymore....though i am still very hurt by all the confusion of the relationship,and after.and i certainly dont care at all about HER. and,i have way more class and dignity then the bosses wife,who was drunk off her butt when this happened in public....way more class than their whole crowd,that is probably nothing more than a bunch of drinking hypocrites.
i was so blind back then,i didnt even realize how much of a hypocrite j is. and it is one thing i despise.
i keep reminding myself this was not the relationship i wanted. for so many reasons.which was why i left him. and gave him to someone else.
but,its also hard to keep perspective....thinking about being older and time. when you never get asked out. when you wonder why it is you have never found the right one.
and it feels good to know that i dont need to be with a man.(for me,as it always has)
it feels good to have my own place,pay my own bills,make my own decisions,.but in all honesty,i would be lying if i said i dont want any more relationships in my life. though,at the same time-for the first time in my whole entire life,i am very scared of it. so,its a double edged sword because at times its a relief not to meet anyone.
well, anyway, i for one am just glad the holidays this year are over. hopefully by next years', time will have erased the hurts and confusion and my kids moods might even make me laugh!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
aww (((sunshine)) - our hurts and pains may come from different sources but that doesn't mean they hurt any less. i know what you mean about older and time. i'm going to be 54 in april and sometimes i think - what now - half my life (if i'm lucky) is gone. i can't go down that road tho - today is all i have. the hype of the holidays can definitely take it's toll. i actually enjoyed my low-key holiday and reflecting on the real meaning. hang in there - time and recovery will bring us many more smiles i think!
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
I think many people experience the blues or a let down when they are over!! At least ur son cooked u a nice dinner. My kids bicker too on a long vaction, it does take away from the holiday. I have come to love that yellow school bus LOL I know it is hard but try to let go of the bad memories of the past relationship and his indescretions. You are moving on and have your own place, make new memories that are positive. I know it is easier said then done but it has been working for me!! With love,
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