livingfor2

just got back from riding with my son, i took a soil sample (crashed) so riding ended abruptly lol. i'm ok though just the pride and a little soreness, lol
when we got back to the house she was awake and watching tv in the bedroom. i went in , gave her a kiss, and asked her how the night went at work. all was going well and she told me that she needed to go to her moms to drop off a sweater.
i told her i was going to go out to the shop and do some tinkering. things felt good so i asked if she would not drink when she went there so we could have a good evening together (usually when she leaves in the afternoon by the time she returns she is hammered and it ruins everything). anyway she gave me the evil eye and said "what"? i reiterated my statement and she instantly clammed up and got an attude. she did say "hell with it , i'll just stay here"! i then told her that the problem i had was not her going to her mothers , but the drinking she would do while she was gone and i didn't feel like dealing with it when she got back. i told her i loved her and went to the kitchen for a pepsi.
a minute later she came out of the room dressed , keys in hand , gave me a kiss, and stormed out .
i didn't mean to automatically think the worst , and ruin the day between us , but i had to say what i was feeling. it makes me mad because i feel that now i am conditioned to think the worst due to the everyday occurances i have been dealing with. sometimes i feel as though i am the reason she drinks, though i know this i s not true. oh well , thanx for letting me vent again folks.

JessicaNAJ

oye....It is hard to to not try to control a situation. I know...That's not what you were trying to do. You just asked her not to drink so you could enjoy your evening. And you want her to respect what you asked. Maybe she will, may she won't. Alcoholism is a very selfish disease. Experience has shown me that no matter how much I asked G to not drink, he will do whatever he thinks will benefit him. Usually if I told him I wanted to "spend alone time" together was the only way I could get him to not drink. That was my control.

The more you learn the tools to focus on you, you will learn that you can enjoy your evening whether she is drinking or not. You CAN not let her drinking affect you.

You are not the reason she drinks. She drinks because that is what she chooses to do. You will realize that no matter what you say or how you react, she will evidentally make her own choice. SO...You have to do what is best for you and not let her drinking affect you.

TomsGirl

I found that asking them not to drink is a sure guarantee that they will. At least that's how it was with my AH. So I stopped asking and sometimes I got someone who was just "tippsy" rather than full blown, drop down drunk. Never got someone sober but then again, he was never completely sober.

cloudy

love it :-)

I like what Jessica and Tomsgirl said.

Hang in there and keep venting!!

BlueMoon

*ouch* - I'm dealing with that ALOT lately - 'cept I'm catching myself over-reacting to something my new bf says/does/whatever when it's got NOTHING to do with him and EVERYTHING to do with my x-AH.

I *think* the fact that I *can* "catch myself" and recognize that my reactions aren't based in reality is helping - slowly. These behaviors took a long to for me to learn and develop - they were coping mechanisms. Now that I now longer want/need them, it's gonna take some time + effort to dismantle them.

Al-anon and this forum have really helped me to rebuild my sanity.

Hang in there and vent all you want - believe it or not, it helps me as much as it helps you. ***hugs***


Blessings,
Blue

Zoey

If you say nothing, to her, That will call for a drink. if you say don't drink it will be really a good reason to drink, and on and on,
Try going to a meeting every night, or take your son to a movie. totally ignore her as if she doesn't exist, ask nothing, tell her nothing.

That will start to worry her, when it soaks in.

When she comes home don't say anything. Just side step or agree whatever she says, and leave the room as if nothing is important.
Stay in the shop, get a TV for shop, Can son join you in shop or does he have tv and computer in his room. He is probably already side stepping and avoiding,
Maybe she will start to wonder, "where did every one go"???? Also she will feel strange when she gets no attention, none, neither good or bad.
Just my 2 cents. My idea of detaching with love, but don't mention love.
Take what you can use and leave the rest.

fixyou

I agree , I find that the more I ask my AH not to drink the more he does. I can't wait until tomorrow....the liqure store is closed and he is out of Jack Daniels. In my state the beer is only 3.2 unless you go to a state liqure store. So it is gonna be a rough day.......
And with the wild fires all around us he is gonna be on edge for sure......
Love the U2 quote-cloudy

sadface

Living, I totally understand what you are feeling. It so hard for me to believe what my Ahusband says. I like you think of the worst. My husband asked yesterday why I didn't believe him. I reminded him just three weeks ago he told me how he lied to his boss. And all the lies he has told me. I told him if he wants me to start to believe in him to tell me the truth. Sometimes I may not like the truth but I need the truth. I also understand you wanting to have a good day. Clancy is right though. We need to live our lives and ignore them. I don't know if you read my post "he showed up..." When my husband told me and my sons he was coming to spend New year's eve/night with us, my oldest son asked if we were going to change our plans to meet dads wishes. I told him no. We had no guarantee my husband was going to show up, plus why should we change our plans. If he really wanted to see us, he should be the one to go out of his way...not us. Our plans were to spend the night at my mom's (one hour drive). He has not been over to my mom's for about three years. First because he was working, and then because he was ashamed to face my family. You see I knew he drank on and off, but before I found out he was using meth (1 yr ago)... I found out he was having an affair (two years ago). Yesterday, when he agreed to meet us at my mom's, he said he was going to have to face my family sooner or later. Might as well be now. He said he really missed us and wanted to be with us. Well he did it.. he showed up and we all had a good time.

splendra

(((L42)))

I really like what Clancy said. However, it could blow up in your face... because it is like playing a game and addiction is playing for keeps and it will kick your a$$ if you play games and probably even if you don't. Active addiction is way smarter than us I can promise you that...

I think just go about your day do what you do. Yea go to meetings educate yourself take your son to Alateen too....

Just remeber they drink because they choose to if they use you as an excuse to drink or drug that is because you allow it. Don't fall for it....